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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not text my Mum every morning!

423 replies

MenopausalMrs · 26/12/2025 00:02

My Mum has been over today for Christmas dinner.

During dinner she said that she feels that I should text her every morning to check in that she is okay. For context, she has no health issues at all, but she is on her own and has been since my dad died in 2020.

I responded that I am a single parent who works full time and needs to get kids to school, packed lunches /myself ready etc and could she just text me instead.

She was annoyed about this and said it literally takes seconds to send a text, even sending one to me to demonstrate! She also mentioned that her friend’s children check in on them twice a day…

At this point I did lose my shit a bit because she wasn’t understanding that what for her is a second is another thing for me to remember to do in the morning, when she has nothing to do at all.

I’m so upset that apparently I am unreasonable when I don’t think I am… she’s supposed to be coming tomorrow but I just want to tell her not to.

Just feel like a shit person right now…

OP posts:
gamerchick · 26/12/2025 13:31

hulahooper2 · 26/12/2025 00:43

yabu , anything could happen to your mum living alone , if you contact her and get no response you’ll know somethings wrong, and she will be assured someone is checking in on her . I wish I still had my mum to do a quick daily check in with.

If if they're a certain 'type" will use not answering as a weapon if they're feeling their needs aren't being met.

Only the individual knows what kind of mother they've got for the texting thing.

I message my DIL when my son's away working because I know she's alone in a top floor flat with my grandbaby. If something happened to her then my grandbaby would be alone.

If she's got the fear and generally alright personality wise, It doesn't have to be a morning check in.

I wouldn't be texting because I'd be ordered to though. Nobody has that right and there are other ways of communicating fears of something happening to you when alone.

HopSpringsEternal · 26/12/2025 13:34

When my aunt died ,my uncle was a bit isolated. We created a family WhatsApp with all the family (about 25 members feom 85 year olds to 11 year olds), every day a few people message. Those like me don't post hardly ever, my sister posts every day as do my aunts and uncle and parents. Some like DH have hidden it. But it means the ones isn't on anyone person. Do you have any family of friends that you could create a group like this with.

lazyarse123 · 26/12/2025 13:34

But what is she expecting to happen? If she replies will she expect you to reply back? If for some reason she doesn't reply are you supposed to worry until you can check she's fine?
If she really is worried the only sensible thing is for her to text you when she gets up.

ArtichokesBloom · 26/12/2025 13:37

It was a habitual text that alerted me that my Dad was seriously ill. However it came from him not me. She should instigate it and you (could) respond. You'd get used to a quick 👍 and so would she

ArtichokesBloom · 26/12/2025 13:38

Indianajet · 26/12/2025 13:30

I became a widow three years ago - my family and I have a whatsapp group and send a quick message every morning, if I didn't they would ring to find out if I was okay. Takes seconds but is reassuring.

This! I will never ever regret my Dad asking to make a quick text and I responded.

user46256728992 · 26/12/2025 13:40

My elderly relative used to phone or be phoned by her sister at 11am everyday just to confirm both had survived the night! Could your DM set up a similar arrangement with someone a similar age if thats what she’s worried about?

sunnysunshinebear · 26/12/2025 13:42

My mum use to text me every morning to make sure I got to work and if she hadn’t text I would text her to check in…. Nearly 9 years since she died when I was 30. Would love to text her. Life is hectic OP I get that (I have 3 children now too only had one when my mum past) but would absolutely love to text my mum now to ask if she’s ok ❤️

LiteraryBambi · 26/12/2025 13:45

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 26/12/2025 13:25

Can’t you see it’s unreasonable to assume that you don’t feel loved or valued if you don’t receive a text every single morning and to then sulk? It’s horribly clingy behaviour. Just because it’s OPs mum and not a clingy needy boyfriend doesn’t make it any more reasonable.

Show quote history

It's fine to do a small act of kindness for her mum. Doesn't cost anything and, unless her mum has a history of being abusive, there's no need to compare her to a random man.

TheMorgenmuffel · 26/12/2025 13:48

Not unreasonable at all.
Mornings are the worst time!

My mum phones me every evening as I said that's the time that works best for me. We've agreed she rings at 8pm. If for whatever reason I cant speak I just text her and tell her we can chat tomorrow.

Growlybear83 · 26/12/2025 13:51

With the exception of a handful of times when my mum’s dementia got bad and she couldn’t work out how to use the phone, I rang her every evening for about the last 15 years of her life, and several times a week before then. During that time I was working full time and had a young child for many of those years. I really don’t see the issue with sending just a text each day, which would make your mum feel that someone cares about her and is interested in her - she clearly doesn’t expect you to spend an hour on the phone to you every day. Or perhaps you could agree to text her every evening when you’ve got more time?

MyBrightPeer · 26/12/2025 13:52

The fact that she won’t text you every morning and expects it to be you means it’s not about checking she’s alright, it’s about attention.

indecisivewoman81 · 26/12/2025 13:53

Get her to text you every morning instead. You have your hands full, she wants to touch base so the onus is on her.

Gassylady · 26/12/2025 13:58

My mum could be quite black and white about lots of things. One was the fact that I didn’t contact her often enough. I did of course have two kids under five, worked full time, had a husband with severe depression. She took great umbrage when I pointed out her phone also made outgoing calls.
NO she wasn’t worried about calling when I was busy, she felt as her daughter it was my job to be the one to keep in touch. So many plates to keep spinning and that was one I had to let fall for a while.

nameobsessed · 26/12/2025 14:06

Tink3rbell30 · 26/12/2025 00:04

I ring my DM every morning (well and DF as they are together in the same house). Just a little check in, they appreciate it. A text would be even quicker so I don't see the issue.

That’s absolutely lovely of you but not something I would be doing, we speak to PIL once every two weeks for a phone call and catch up but that’s it.

I actually can’t imagine being phoned every day either, for me every week or so is enough.

WhatTimeDoYouCallThis · 26/12/2025 14:30

Older people can become more like demanding toddlers wanting constant attention and completely self centred. I have to go into work mode with mine - staying absolutely calm, upbeat and professionally distant/non committal when asked for something ridiculous. Then go home and rant! They are better behaved and a lot more polite now I'm no longer a pushover (am older than you and menopause has had some advantages). Try 'How lovely they have the time i do not' change subject and repeat as necessary. Do not rise to the drama (feeds the crazy) do not expect understanding, their world is very different from yours. Good luck!

Miranda65 · 26/12/2025 14:36

Personally, I find this "check in" culture to be a bit nuts. Where does this belief come from that something bad must have happened if you don't hear from a person for 24 hours?
It's not about how much or little time it takes. It's about the fact that it creates both dependency and expectation, as well as being a little bit patronising. We're functioning adults - we don't need to be "checked" on.

Clefable · 26/12/2025 14:38

I think contact daily is enough, not at a set time or always you initiating it, but just checking in with each other once a day when able or when it occurs to either or you.

It’s not about the physical time it takes to send a message, it’s about yet another thing to remember at the time of day that’s often the most hectic with a young family. Whereas later in the day you’ll likely think about her and have the headspace to send a message or she will have sent you a message you can reply to. Having to do something at X time every day or get a shitogram in return isn’t really the spirit of normal family communication.

DemonsandMosquitoes · 26/12/2025 14:44

Unreasonable to ask this of you. I would be fearful of her expectations as she ages. Set a precedent, ask her to get a lifeline pendant if she’s that worried.

mrssunshinexxx · 26/12/2025 14:46

I would do anything to talk to my mum daily just like I did when she was alive. But I appreciate not everyone is as close as we were so yanbu

SergeantWrinkles · 26/12/2025 14:47

My mum would want this too. I find it suffocating and refuse. Every few days is fine. I’d be happy with once a week, max!

Pumpkinmagic · 26/12/2025 15:03

Christmas2025 · 26/12/2025 00:04

She needs to get some friends. You're not her substitute partner now she's single. I text my mum about 3 or 4 times a year, we're not close. She likes to make me feel like I'm a shit person too. I'm not, she just likes to be centered and gets the hump if she isn't. Which is why I rarely see her.

Edited

She’s not single though is she. She is widowed. You aren’t close to your Mum. The OP is as spends Christmas Day with her Mum. Of course you should check on your elders frequently with a text / call especially ones who are widowed.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 26/12/2025 15:06

The best idea is for her to text you every day to say all is well, or otherwise. When you have the time you can reply or send a thumbs up! 😉

cantbejustme · 26/12/2025 15:08

She could text you in the mornings?!

Pumpkinmagic · 26/12/2025 15:08

Of course you should check on her frequently, it sounds like she is upset that you don’t. Why on earth wouldn’t you be checking on her? Sounds like it hadn’t even occurred to you and perhaps now she has highlighted it you are feeling a little bad and guilty. Just start making an effort from now on.

Aplstrudl · 26/12/2025 15:11

No, don’t feel bad. She’s being very thoughtless as to be honest, if you text and she has died, there’s bugger all you can do about it. I can’t imagine doing this on top of getting kids to school and all that palaver…