To not text my Mum every morning!

[MenopausalMrs]

My Mum has been over today for Christmas dinner.

During dinner she said that she feels that I should text her every morning to check in that she is okay. For context, she has no health issues at all, but she is on her own and has been since my dad died in 2020.

I responded that I am a single parent who works full time and needs to get kids to school, packed lunches /myself ready etc and could she just text me instead.

She was annoyed about this and said it literally takes seconds to send a text, even sending one to me to demonstrate! She also mentioned that her friend’s children check in on them twice a day…

At this point I did lose my shit a bit because she wasn’t understanding that what for her is a second is another thing for me to remember to do in the morning, when she has nothing to do at all.

I’m so upset that apparently I am unreasonable when I don’t think I am… she’s supposed to be coming tomorrow but I just want to tell her not to.

Just feel like a shit person right now…

Goodness me. What a sad life.

Your mum needs to rebuild her own life. I see my mum and every two weeks but I rarely have time to contact her in between. I work full time (plus), and have two adult DC, plus a dog to walk and a house to run.

I check in with my mum near enough every morning with a quick call, but then she is 89 with mobility and sight problems. That said, I’ve done that for the last 20 years or so. It’s not set in stone, and if I miss a day neither of us are fussed.

@ForNoisyCat surely that depends on her age and health. My DM is in her 90s and in ill health. Can’t really expect her to rebuild her own life. If OP’s DM is in her 50s and healthy then that would be different but even so a text a day isn’t onerous.

Now my DM’s health has deteriorated I see her every day as I help care for her, prior to that it used to be a daily 5 minute phone call (she doesn’t do texting). But I also message my adult DC, currently at uni, daily on the family WhatsApp, usually just a ‘morning’ and might get a thumbs up or a morning back. Or a brief chat.

Can your mum and her friends set up a whatsapp group where they check in with each other?

As has been pointed out several times on this thread @Ilovechocolatelimesandsherbertlemons , if you are concerned about medical emergencies as you age, then you buy a medical alert alarm thing which you press for help. Or get one of the kettle gadgets which alerts someone when you haven't switched the kettle on by a certain time in the morning, or proactively decide that YOU are going to text someone by a set time each day. YOU find a way of taking responsibility and managing that. OP's mother is not doing that, she is delegating responsibility to her daughter, who already has a hectic morning schedule.

Texting at 8am or 9am is not going to stop you having a medical emergency and nobody knowing about it until much later. It's performative and pointless.

Maybe you and mum aren’t close like me and my dd she only calls me when she’s emptying the dishwasher so I have to talk over the clanking of pots and pans. Not very intimate or friendly but I’m used to it. Only heard from her once over Christmas and I am having palliative care. We’re not close geographicallly either. Very sad though. If mum is worried about falling get her an alarm for her wrist.

Thank God you aren't my daughter.
Not everyone who needs reassurance is at the age to need a falls alert. It's for an entirely different problem. How rude you are.

Wow needy much? She's a full grown adult! You've got enough to do in the morning. I suppose you could compromise and do it lunchtime or in the afternoon if you wanted to compromise, but if you know she can look after herself she's being a bit high maintenance.

So you agree it's just reassurance-seeking?

It could be, but none the less real a fear l for that. Anyone can fall down stairs or have a stroke. I wouldn't want my mum lonely and worried. But I do agree she could send the text each day.

The OP has suggested that it’s driven by ‘keeping up with the Joneses. You don’t know that that’s true - and the point is, what if she can’t text because she has had an accident. Living on your own does mean there is no one else there to help you if the worst happens.

You texting her is valueless. No proof of her not having an injury or fall.
Her texting you is the only way to prove she's alive and undamaged.

@oldmoaner

Well, your mom probably thinks the same as me. If she had a fall, a heart attack, stroke (you dont need to be ill for anything to happen) she could be dead and you'd probably say well she should have phoned me. She's your mother, she's on her own, would a text saying morning mom you ok? Take too much of your time? Honestly? One day she won't be there for you to send a 2 minute text to her. I was a single parent no mobile or landline, id stop at the telephone box and give my mom a quick call after taking my DC to school.

And what if the mother has something happen (similar to, or the same as what you mention,) 5 minutes after the check-in text. It is NOT a failsafe system, or a guarantee that mum's life will be saved if the OP texts her every morning at 9am or whatever!

By the time the OP sends the obligatory text the next morning, her mum could be lying there dead. And could have been for over 23 hours.

If the mum is so fragile, then some other system needs to be put in place. Not one text in a morning!

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@sittingonabeach · Yesterday 22:32

Many men talk to their mums on a regular basis.

No man is getting up for work, getting showered, having breakfast, and trying to get out to work on time, and dealing with the kids, and getting them ready, and ringing his mum as he does it - (or even texting her.)

Also, some men indeed may ring their mum on a regular basis, (weekly/bi-weekly) but then, most men have fuck-all else to do, apart from their chosen hobbies. They're not taking on the lion's share of the childcare, and grunt work, and housework, and life admin. (AND going to work,) like many women do.

My DH used to ring his mum once a week on a Wednesday and chat for half an hour to an hour, having a good old laugh with her, whilst I was doing our evening meal, putting the washing on, doing the ironing, and sorting the kids... Often AFTER I had been to work. (I worked 24 to 26 hours a week at the time, but worked many more hours 'in the home..') Go figure. We visited his mum every Sunday too and had Sunday lunch. DH's dad died 5 years before his mum, but she never got needy and whiny, and was quite independent.

I used to ring my mum twice a week (and speak to dad sometimes) but only for about 10 minutes, as I didn't have time for much longer! AND I used to go see them once or twice a week too. (They lived 5-6 miles away,) They expected it. Of me of course, not my brother. The blue-eyed boy could rock up once a month, and ring once a month for 5 minutes (usually when he needed some money!) and he would still be the Golden Child.

How lovely that some of da menz ring their mum for a chat, but as I said, most of them are just sitting idle, watching TV, or on their phone anyway. So why shouldn't they?!

Awaits all the posters claiming their men do 50% of everything ... 😆

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I don't think you have said how old your DM is or what state of health she has. This could make a difference.

DH texts his Dad every morning and rings every evening, but FIL is almost 95 and lives alone

Tell her to text you every morning. If she doesn't you will know to check on her 😂

What age for a fall alert bracelet? I'd say a 70 year old isn't at the age for needing a reassuring text everyday but it seems the OP's mum is there already. I'd suggest a bracelet too.

But you're actually just feeding her anxiety.
My mum used to obsessively ask me about my working hours, where I was working, what time I finished etc. Turns out it was so she could listen to the traffic reports when I was driving in case of any accidents.
When I found that out I started changing the subject when she asked or being vague. If she didn't know I was on the road then she couldn't worry. So that put a stop to that particular anxiety.
The problem with anxious mothers is their anxiety makes a real relationship impossible. You can't 'worry' an anxious mother so you never burden them but they want to burden you as they age. It's tricky.

Do you have siblings op?

My mum expected daily visits as I live quite close (single parent, 2 kids, working ft) but when my sibling got in touch it was literally the prodigal son calling...

Yeah there are some deeply unpleasant people on here, and they're not the ones who are on the OP's side. The guilt tripping and emotional blackmail being aimed at the OP (by her critics and naysayers,) is breathtakingly vile and grim, and deeeeeply innappropriate. I'm shaking with rage.

Give your head a wobble people..

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If she’s anxious, then her texting you each morning will achieve the same aim. Otherwise she’ll just have to accept that you don’t have time in a hectic morning schedule, to do everything you, or she, would like to.

My Dad was totally fit. But one morning he got up and went to make his breakfast, hadn't been ill at all and had a major stroke. He died shortly after. Luckily my sibling was staying with him. They heard the thud of him collapsing.

I can imagine it's a very real worry to think you could be laid there for a week before anyone realised.

Maybe your Mum could put the onus on herself to message you every morning at 9am and that way if she doesn't you know to check on her rather than the onus be on you to do it every morning.

Feeding the anxiety is a big problem. It doesn't help to change things to help anxiety - it just gets worse to the point where everyone else is in a state of high stress.

you are not a shit person.

I have a 9 year old and a 12 month old I really don’t have seconds and I have help! I work full time too and have personal projects started before kids so lives do depend on me. so can appreciate how much goes on just trying to leave the house and even as you manage to leave you just about thinking of when you get back.. mum is being a little unreasonable… as she has nothing going on in the mornings why doesn’t SHE come to you to help before you set off?