To not text my Mum every morning!

[MenopausalMrs]

My Mum has been over today for Christmas dinner.

During dinner she said that she feels that I should text her every morning to check in that she is okay. For context, she has no health issues at all, but she is on her own and has been since my dad died in 2020.

I responded that I am a single parent who works full time and needs to get kids to school, packed lunches /myself ready etc and could she just text me instead.

She was annoyed about this and said it literally takes seconds to send a text, even sending one to me to demonstrate! She also mentioned that her friend’s children check in on them twice a day…

At this point I did lose my shit a bit because she wasn’t understanding that what for her is a second is another thing for me to remember to do in the morning, when she has nothing to do at all.

I’m so upset that apparently I am unreasonable when I don’t think I am… she’s supposed to be coming tomorrow but I just want to tell her not to.

Just feel like a shit person right now…

The irony of people posting on Mumsnet who have zero time for their actual mother...

Our love/hate relationships with mothers - from bliss to murderous - is undeniable and any one who says they don't feel the full range of emotions over a lifetime needs to think it through. The empty nest situation only begins when the children first leave home. For a while, the remaining parents have eachother, mutual friends and neighbours. Then they quite naturally move away, become less mobile for many reasons and yes, inevitably die.
Getting old is like a second adolescence, the body gets tired, becomes unrecognisable and worse, unreliable. So do the emotions, because the brain is just another organ like the lungs or bladder! It often takes courage to ask favours - and if people have raised children themselves they do know how busy people are.
Try factoring in the 30 seconds it takes to send a text while taking a bite of toast or swig of tea. If you can persuade your mother to text first it makes a compact exchange that is less bother than a call but gives reassurance both ways. And if your own children notice what you do, one day it cd alter the way they regard you.

If OP is too busy to send a text will she be too busy to not notice if her mum hasn’t sent one and would she be bothered anyway.

The OP sending a text to DM is making her think of her DM and then being on alert if she doesn’t get a response

My dad, aged 92, after he developed epilepsy used to email me every morning saying "I'm up"

Scenario
You text her, she doesn't answer because she's in the shower, on the loo, put her phone somewhere daft so you wait until she replies panicking something has happened to her whereas if she texted you you would know immediately she was ok and you can do a thumbs up reply (although I believe that's passive aggressive now 🥴)

Maybe you can try giving her this scenario.

My dad can't do this now so I have cameras in the house to check he's ok. It works.
My brother is there this week and it's so good being able to switch off.

How old is your mum?

What a deeply unpleasant comment.

I also wonder if your daughters (who clearly always run when you call - and do everything you ask,) are actually happy with the situation?

You are though, so that's fine!

No irony whatsoever.

Posting on Mumsnet = a brief moment of relaxation, mental health support etc at a time that suits you.

A parent with school age kids and a full time job being commanded to text first thing every morning = an obligation and inconvenience, upping the mental load.

i think the references to ‘phone on the way to the gym’, ‘share my Wordle’ on this thread speak volumes. I suspect the OP isn’t completing puzzles or spending quality time on herself.

there are lots of ways to improve parents safety. Many have been mentioned. There are lots of ways to connect with a parent and show support. It doesn’t have to be this.

Why does sending a text automatically mean you are on the alert for a response? I don't expect people to respond immediately to my texts, I'm well aware they may be busy at the point they receive them.

If OP thinks there's a risk she won't check whether her mum has texted, she can always set a recurring alarm.

Tell her that you’re too worried that you’ll forget and so if she wants this, then she needs to be the one to text you.

Tell her to send a X and you will send an X back.

Tell her you will likely reply by lunchtime.

I understand the worry that she has as it can be scary getting older and living alone but you having an accident or dying with young kids, is just as important as her.

Yes your work or school may eventually contact her but I think she’s being a bit selfish, especially if she’s refusing to text you first.

You’re not a shit person.

Tell your ‘D’M to get herself a carer to come round daily.
My Mums 87, I never ring her, it’s always a bad moment & she doesn’t hear to well either! She can’t read texts!

@Olive123456 · Today 12:22

The irony of people posting on Mumsnet who have zero time for their actual mother...

I@Famua

No irony whatsoever.

Posting on Mumsnet = a brief moment of relaxation, mental health support etc at a time that suits you.

A parent with school age kids and a full time job being commanded to text first thing every morning = an obligation and inconvenience, upping the mental load.

Exactly this. ^ It's ludicrous to suggest that posting on here/chatting to people online is anything like the pre-school/pre-work stress (that many young and middle aged mums have to deal with.)

Also, it's the Christmas holidays, and many people are on leave! And it's the school holidays too! So of course people 'have time' to post. It doesn't automatically mean they CBA with their own mother! 😂

And not everyone has a mum, some posters mums have died - recently, or some years ago. Including my own. That comment by @Olive123456 is breathtakingly insensitive. Read the room for goodness sake!

Exactly.

Before I went full NC with my mum she would make me call/text every single morning to make sure I wasn't dead. Very odd imo it should be something you choose to do

Fair dos, age n health will be a factor. But from op’s post the mother only asked for daily texts after hearing from other mothers whose adult DCs checked in on them regularly s as Ned hadn’t mentioned a need as such. Sounded like fear of missing out.

my own DM understands life’s demands on us as she too always worked full time. When my father died in 1970s she took up evening classes and once retired she joined women’s institute snd a few other things. This st least gave her contact with outside world snd, really importantly, with people of similar age to her.

I text my mother every Sunday..or she texts me..she’s in her 90s . Sometimes she’ll text during the week, if there’s something interesting to say.

My son and I have a Heardle competition..he said it’s a less obvious way of finding out if I’m alive. 😂

If she says , it’s easy to just send a text, then there’s no reason she can’t text you…after all, she’s the one who has to confirm being ok…her text is the critical one.
you can reply when you have time, but she has let you know she is still functioning. She’s being somewhat unreasonable. If you text her and she takes a while to respond for whatever reason, and they do take time…phone not charged, in the shower, outside forgot phone…then it’s on you to wonder till she texts back…so it’s logical she text first.

I would say to her that it ridiculous. If she wants a daily check in, she should text you if she wants, if not then you will try and check in during the day/evening. If you don’t hear from her after a few hours you’ll call, and if no answer you can pop in. It has to work with your schedule.

I don't know how old she is or why she's suddenly feeling more vulnerable.

Her texting you makes more sense. When my kids started driving and went on long journeys they'd text an emoji of a car to let me know they'd arrived. Took seconds.

I'd suggest she sends you an emoji of a cup of tea in the morning, you send a heart back then you could send her a quick text in the evening.

Wish I'd texted dad more but he'd never reply - kept his phone off to save the battery!!

During covid we sent the thumbs up 👍 sign on the family WhatsApp

Do you and/ or her play Wordle or any games first thing? We do a soft check in with elderly relatives of our waffle, connections and strands scores.
The idea was shared here many moons ago when a poster couldn’t contact her elderly mother. It was the worse case scenario.

Your posts on this thread have been extremely unpleasant. I can't imagine that you have many or any friends so you probably need to rely on your daughters for support.

I know you mean this kindly however this is about the 4th suggestion of Wordle. There is nothing in the OP’s post to suggest she is casually puzzling. She is a single mum,
getting kids off to school before she goes on to work.

I don’t think some people get how truly time poor other people can be. With a squeeze on time comes a squeeze on mental energy too so all the sniping of ‘if you can be on Mumsnet you can do this/that/the other’ exasperates me. Because that is just what you need when you are time and energy poor - someone filling the slivers of time you have for yourself.

On a more practical note, if I was the OP’s mother I would be keeping my powder dry, keeping requests to a minimum so that when the day comes when there is a genuine need, the OP may have some time and energy to prioritise assistance.

Sorry to hear that, it’s hard when we lose a much loved Mum ..I would love to text mine too xx

It's the problem of wanting to be someones priority when you aren't. OP has people who actually need her to be on the ball for them. And then she has herself to prioritise. Her mum isn't her priority and she shouldn't be.