To not text my Mum every morning!

[MenopausalMrs]

My Mum has been over today for Christmas dinner.

During dinner she said that she feels that I should text her every morning to check in that she is okay. For context, she has no health issues at all, but she is on her own and has been since my dad died in 2020.

I responded that I am a single parent who works full time and needs to get kids to school, packed lunches /myself ready etc and could she just text me instead.

She was annoyed about this and said it literally takes seconds to send a text, even sending one to me to demonstrate! She also mentioned that her friend’s children check in on them twice a day…

At this point I did lose my shit a bit because she wasn’t understanding that what for her is a second is another thing for me to remember to do in the morning, when she has nothing to do at all.

I’m so upset that apparently I am unreasonable when I don’t think I am… she’s supposed to be coming tomorrow but I just want to tell her not to.

Just feel like a shit person right now…

Increased risk of what?

How is a daily text from your adult son or daughter going to prevent you from dying or having an accident?

The OP’s mother is clearly anxious, but people with anxiety issues shouldn’t be letting their anxiety dictate what their families do. I have had a significant anxiety problem myself, but I was always very aware that it was not fair to ask others to manage my anxiety for me.

That seems distressingly lacking in empathy.

I don’t talk to my parents every day, they don’t need it. They have each other and get out and about regularly.

My widowed MIL has a much quieter life, a quick call, text or visit makes all the difference to her.

it’s a pretty cold world if none of us feel responsible for supporting our nearest and dearest family member’s happiness as they age.

The fact that she’s refusing to text you and wants you to text her, says everything.

She is worried about living alone and something happening to her (totally understandable), but more than that she wants to be someone’s priority. Yours, specifically, and her friends have made her believe you’re derelict in your duties.

Joey go through it logically with her. If you text her “all ok?” what is supposed to happen. She replies “yes, slept well/badly, I’m fine” - great. She doesn’t reply for 30, 60, 90 mins - then what? Ask her to explain exactly what she wants you to do.

And what if you forget one morning? What will she do? What if you had a nightmare morning, rushed into work, straight into meetings, forgot to text - is she going to call your workplace? Or sit at home waiting for you text?

What if something has happened to YOU and your DC are left without a responsible adult? Will she be worrying about you? Or will she be pissed off that you haven’t checked in on her?

She’s getting on, she’s wanting care and attention. That’s fine, it’s normal. But this isn’t that otherwise she’s readily agree to message you. This is about wanting to be your priority on a daily basis.

I think saying to her that she could text you was fair enough.

After FIL died MIL was concerned about something happening and nobody noticing for days. It was a particular worry for her as she lived rurally and worked for herself so there was no boss or colleagues to notice she was missing.

However, her request was to message the family group chat each morning with a "Morning. Have a good day" that didn't require a response from anyone, but gave her the reassurance that if she fell down the stairs or anything like that then by 10am next morning one of us would have thought "wait a sec, why hasn't she messaged..."

My friend and I are solo parents and every morning without fail, we message each other good morning. We also message each other good night. I wouldn't have a problem adding my parents to this - they are 81 and 80. It takes me 30 seconds and then I go about my day.

I don't think it is unreasonable of your mum to ask. Perhaps she's feeling her age/vulnerable.

Oh come on, older people are increased risk of trips and falls, heart attacks, strokes etc.

Regular check ins won’t prevent something happening but it might very well prevent your loved one needless suffering if they collapse and can’t make it to the phone.

Do you have siblings that could share this responsibility op?

How old is your mum? Maybe have a conversation about what is driving the request. Is she lonely, feeling vulnerable or just a bit envious of the closeness she perceives her friends enjoy with their children.

My mum refused to do any daily check ins even when she was well into her 80s. And then she fell and broke her hip and was on the floor for two days before we found her. Which caused a whole lot more upheaval to everyone’s routine than a daily text.

I phoned my mum every day after DF died. She was mid 80s with some health issues and some days I was the only person she spoke to. She also lived a couple of hours away.

She is now in her 90s, has moved near us, health getting worse and so along with daily phone calls there are more regular visits.

A few months ago a friend in their 50s died suddenly with no known health issues. They lived alone and after people not being able to contact them after a few days the police did a welfare check and found them dead in their flat.

How old is your DM @MenopausalMrs

The OP doesn’t have an issue with checking in. She just wants her DM to instigate which is fair enough.

People are 'normal and healthy' until they’re not. The change can happen suddenly.

Presumably OP's mum is anxious that something might happen to her, e.g. a fall resulting in a broken hip, and no-one would know. And, of course, it seems that she wants reassurance that OP cares about her welfare. If the onus was on her to text OP, would OP notice if one day it didn’t happen, or would she be too busy?

Does it make a difference though?

I guess from her perspective if you’re actively checking in, you’d be the one to notice if something is amiss. Whereas if she’s the one actively checking in, you might not notice the absence of those texts to be alarming as you’re not as engaged

We have motion sensors for mil so we can tell if she doesn’t get up and she wears a bracelet that alerts a call centre if she falls. Sil lives next door but found the burden of morning checks too much of a burden and her mental health started to suffer with increasing demands from mil.

Tell her to txt you every morning, then you know she’s okay (and slightly batshit)

@saraclara you could talk to your DC and arrange something like if you haven't texted / WhatsApped by 9/other appropriate time please call to check on me. It's the communication from you that's the important one so why add a message from them for you to respond to. My DH has a health condition and if I'm away he messages when he wakes so I know to get a neighbour to check if he doesn't.

I agree that if the concern is something happening to her and no one spotting then her texting someone every day, doesn’t have to be morning, lunch time would do would be more useful, until she starts forgetting and the texts just create anxiety rather than relieving it

It's a tricky one as I can see both sides.

I can see why she would like a relationship with her child whereby they text her at least once a day. It doesn't seem that much to ask. I work full time and am a full time single parent, and I still manage to text mine each morning (and then usually several times through the day).

However, being TOLD hiu have to can't be nice, and I am not surprised you are annoyed. And to check she is alive you could just check the timestamp on her WhatsApp - doesn't actually take a messange.

I have started doing this... Not first thing but I text my mum every day. Often send a picture.

I have a not great relationship with her - suspect maybe you do too from the ' X's children are so much better than you' (never and X is so much nicer and supportive to her kids).

She's 85, Dad died last year and she's generally anxious - and I just thought fuck it I can do this. She didn't ask which would have made me resentful. I send a line/ pic on what me or kids have done and if I can't think of anything I fall back on the weather. She responds. I think it's made the weekly phone call easier too.

It's no biggie Could've sent10 texts in time it took hou to write the post. You obviously weren't too busy for that though

I think it's a cry for help. "Please remember me and check I survived the night". Let's say you texted your mum but she didn't reply, what will you do? Or would you even notice? Or, if she agreed to text you, would you notice if she didn't message you and what would you do?

Being a single parent with young children is busy and checking in on a person via a message is much easier to do at lunchtime than in the morning. You could message at 7am and your mum would say that's too early!

Find out the reason for the demand, maybe she's nervous in which case those personal alarms would be great. Also, set her phone to listen for "hey Google/Siri call BauhausofElliot", so she can contact you if she needs to.

I call my mum daily, at different times. If my Dad is away I will always message or call in the morning to ensure she was ok during the night.

Neither of you are unreasonable but you need to reach a compromise out of respect for your busy life and her worrying about something happening and not being found ( which is probably what the demand is about,)

I guess she is worried about being unwell and no-one realising. If my mum asked me to do that, i’d do it (would set an alarm). She is right that it only takes around 20 seconds. Pick a time and set a daily alarm. Or don’t.

Maybe i’m more likely to agree as one of my best friends died this year, and last Christmas no-one could get hold of her and she was finally found in a terrible state and rushed to hospital (where she was diagnosed with cancer that had spread to her brain). It wouldn’t have changed the outcome if she was found sooner, but we’d have all felt less guilty that whilst we were enjoying Christmas dinner, she was home alone very unwell.

I don’t think YABU at all. You have a busy life and your mum wants to add another job to it. If she was really concerned from a health perspective she would just say do you mind if I text you every morning, that way if you haven’t heard from me you know to check on me. Asking you to do it sounds a bit attention seeky to me. If she really pushes it, I’d go down the route of looking into a lifeline system or otger technology. It’s understandable that she may be feeling anxious or more vulnerable as she gets older but very unreasonable to decide that it’s your responsibility.

It is a classic case of your mother comparing you unfavourably to her friends children. It’s an arm’s race, whose dc can be the best.

Say no, stick to your guns. She is trying to make you responsible for her well being. She can easily check in with friends that are also retired and don’t have the same commitments as you in the mornings. The guilt tripping needs to be nipped in their bud. She needs to be asking you how you are managing not the other at around! How entitled and self absorbed.

Agree with those saying she should get a lifeline alert most sensible and available 24/7

I think if she were very elderly/frail it would be a good idea, but not if she is fit and healthy! Texts should be sent because you want to, not because you're being told to!