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Original poster

To not text my Mum every morning!

423 replies

MenopausalMrs · 26/12/2025 00:02

My Mum has been over today for Christmas dinner.

During dinner she said that she feels that I should text her every morning to check in that she is okay. For context, she has no health issues at all, but she is on her own and has been since my dad died in 2020.

I responded that I am a single parent who works full time and needs to get kids to school, packed lunches /myself ready etc and could she just text me instead.

She was annoyed about this and said it literally takes seconds to send a text, even sending one to me to demonstrate! She also mentioned that her friend’s children check in on them twice a day…

At this point I did lose my shit a bit because she wasn’t understanding that what for her is a second is another thing for me to remember to do in the morning, when she has nothing to do at all.

I’m so upset that apparently I am unreasonable when I don’t think I am… she’s supposed to be coming tomorrow but I just want to tell her not to.

Just feel like a shit person right now…

OP posts:
Homegrownberries · 26/12/2025 18:53

Losing your shit is a bit of an over reaction.

farmlass · 26/12/2025 19:05

Family I know set up a WhatsApp to check in on mum
grandson saw it and said “is that the granny isn’t dead yet chat “ !!
The honesty of tweens !

SavageTomato · 26/12/2025 19:18

Fuck her and her manipulative bullshit on Xmas day. You must be beholden to me by doing this, daily. Fuck off is the only sane reply, here.

hellololabells2019 · 26/12/2025 19:19

Gymnopedie · 26/12/2025 18:51

You've missed a critical difference there.

Show quote history

Not really love. It’s either a suggestion on how it could work the other way or affirmation it doesn’t take any time whatsoever, and becomes part of routine. I’m sorry if I needed to spell this out to you.

I live 5 hours from my mum with no support network, it makes me feel reassured.

VWT7 · 26/12/2025 19:27

Could you tell your DM, that “most of your friends DM’s do morning texts to each other, because, yes it’s a great idea - but they buddy-up and do texts to their close friends - of similar ages”.

And add that yes, you will likely be in a position to do it when your children are no longer at school or similar?

(I write this in support of you OP - as someone myself of an age who is also alone and also potentially vulnerable)

SergeantWrinkles · 26/12/2025 20:26

Aging Parents need to communicate with their offspring about their needs as they age. It’s completely unacceptable to expect your offspring to mind read. As one of those offspring it’s perfectly acceptable to tell your parents you need to talk about these things. If they refuse, then you have every right to refuse to engage.

saraclara · 26/12/2025 22:04

BauhausOfEliott · 26/12/2025 00:45

Increased risk of what?

How is a daily text from your adult son or daughter going to prevent you from dying or having an accident?

The OP’s mother is clearly anxious, but people with anxiety issues shouldn’t be letting their anxiety dictate what their families do. I have had a significant anxiety problem myself, but I was always very aware that it was not fair to ask others to manage my anxiety for me.

Show quote history

If you'd bothered reading my post immediately before the one you'd posted, I gave the reason

I'm 70. I live alone. My own mother lived alone when she had the massive stroke that disabled her for life. She was only found (12 hours later) by complete chance. By then it was too late to prevent her stroke damaging her so badly. But of course she could have died and not be found for days or weeks.

The older I get, the more the risk of stroke or something similar increases.

JollyHostess101 · 26/12/2025 22:07

I made my dad message me every morning after my
num died…… my biggest fear was something would happen and I wouldn’t know as we weren’t that near to him!!

me24x · 26/12/2025 22:16

If your kids grow up and think the same as you, like it’s such a chore to send a text message in the morning checking in, how would you feel?

Ritaskitchen · 26/12/2025 22:20

why Can’t she message you ?

Shutuptrevor · 26/12/2025 22:25

Tink3rbell30 · 26/12/2025 00:04

I ring my DM every morning (well and DF as they are together in the same house). Just a little check in, they appreciate it. A text would be even quicker so I don't see the issue.

How long do you chat for? And what time do you ring? Do you not have work/ school runs to go to?

Tink3rbell30 · 26/12/2025 22:38

Shutuptrevor · 26/12/2025 22:25

How long do you chat for? And what time do you ring? Do you not have work/ school runs to go to?

Show quote history

No school runs, DC is an adult. I work afternoons. I ring about 10am and how long the call goes on for varies. When I started work in the morning I would ring on the hands free in the car.

LetMeknow2 · 26/12/2025 22:43

Get yourself an automated AirTag sticker from Amazon, set it up to send her a message good morning how are you. Stick the sticker to your front door or your bedside locker and then all you have to do is scan it with your phone. I know STill something you have to remember but if you do it as you get up then could be a 2 second job as you get out of bed !

Murphs1 · 26/12/2025 22:44

I phoned my mum every day but in the afternoon/evening when she was here because I wanted to chat. I call my dad every day now he’s on his own as although he’s very capable, I know he gets lonely as he is on his own for long periods and I want to check he’s ok. I work and have teens, I call my dad in the evenings.

Copperoliverbear · 26/12/2025 23:00

I think it’s important to contact parents every day, I’m sorry but I’m with your mum it’s a few minutes a day or do it in the evening when the kids are in bed.

Copperoliverbear · 26/12/2025 23:02

Also if she lives near could you not invite her around for dinner a few nights a week and she could give you a hand too.

Ivyy · 27/12/2025 01:50

Christmas2025 · 26/12/2025 00:04

She needs to get some friends. You're not her substitute partner now she's single. I text my mum about 3 or 4 times a year, we're not close. She likes to make me feel like I'm a shit person too. I'm not, she just likes to be centered and gets the hump if she isn't. Which is why I rarely see her.

Edited

We must be twins!

Lincslady53 · 27/12/2025 05:09

You can buy a gadget called kettle companion, there are probably several on the market. When your mum puts her kettle on for the first time, you get a notification on your phone, so you know she is up and about. We had one when MIL was on her own in her latter years, and as she had nothing to do, started staying in bed later. If she hadn't put the kettle on by 11.00, we would give her a call. It was very handy, and not too intrusive.

Fairyliz · 27/12/2025 05:16

How old are your children, they sound school age from what you have said.
Could you not ask one of them to do it? Sounds like the sort of job most children would like.

Bleachedjeans · 27/12/2025 05:23

Just do it. It’s no big deal. One day you might regret it. I speak from experience. I wish you well.

Ohpleeeease · 27/12/2025 05:55

It depends what she wants. If it’s a quick Good morning text, I think it would be nice. It can be lonely waking up to an empty house. If she wants a full on conversation then that wouldn’t be reasonable because you are busy with other things. So I think it’s down to establishing what she expects and what you can do.

Lougle · 27/12/2025 06:17

I visit my parents every morning. DM is disabled and it helps them both to have a visit just to change things up. Sometimes I can't visit, so I message instead. DF and I do some word games in the evening, not at the same time, but we put the results in a WhatsApp group.

thepariscrimefiles · 27/12/2025 08:26

Pumpkinmagic · 26/12/2025 15:03

She’s not single though is she. She is widowed. You aren’t close to your Mum. The OP is as spends Christmas Day with her Mum. Of course you should check on your elders frequently with a text / call especially ones who are widowed.

Show quote history

Why the difference in treatment between single and widowed? Are widows at more risk of just keeling over than elderly women who are single or divorced?

I think that unless there are health issues that make them particularly vulnerable to strokes or heart attacks, the daily check in is over the top and needy.

It's just another job on OP's plate when she is a single parent with a job and her mornings are already really busy. I'm not sure why her mother can't text to confirm that she is OK. She's obviously in a game of one-upmanship with her friends whose adult children do check in daily or even twice a day.

blowthedoorsoff · 27/12/2025 08:35

saraclara · 26/12/2025 00:27

I'm 70. I live alone. My own mother lived alone when she had the massive stroke that disabled her for life. She was only found (12 hours later) by complete chance. By then it was too late to prevent her stroke damaging her so badly. But if course she could have died and not be done for days or weeks.

I have become increasingly fearful of something like this happening to me. I would love to ask my DDs to check in on me each day, but I don't feel that I can.

I'm reasonably healthy at this point, so having one of those alarms seems overkill. But it's a very real anxiety, and your mum is obviously feeling that too.

Then you need to get a Carelink alarm as they will call an ambulance for you and its specifically for this kind of emergency.

Relying on a text to family isn't going to work because what if they are busy at work and haven't had a chance to check their phone? what if you texted them hello, I am ok, in the morning and then had a stroke an hour later? what if they were driving when you texted or they forgot to charge their phone one morning or the network went down etc. You could text your family every single morning and still end up for hours on the floor after a stroke.

A Carelink alarm is far better and more appropriate

millymollyminging · 27/12/2025 08:40

My DF and I text each other every morning (he’s in his 90s) - whoever remembers first. It’s because he lives alone and I need to know he’s ok. You hear horrendous stories of people dying and not being found for days, so it takes seconds and if I don’t hear from him I phone or go around.

But you do you. Just tell her you’re far too busy. (But can find time post on MN.)

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