To not text my Mum every morning!

[MenopausalMrs]

My Mum has been over today for Christmas dinner.

During dinner she said that she feels that I should text her every morning to check in that she is okay. For context, she has no health issues at all, but she is on her own and has been since my dad died in 2020.

I responded that I am a single parent who works full time and needs to get kids to school, packed lunches /myself ready etc and could she just text me instead.

She was annoyed about this and said it literally takes seconds to send a text, even sending one to me to demonstrate! She also mentioned that her friend’s children check in on them twice a day…

At this point I did lose my shit a bit because she wasn’t understanding that what for her is a second is another thing for me to remember to do in the morning, when she has nothing to do at all.

I’m so upset that apparently I am unreasonable when I don’t think I am… she’s supposed to be coming tomorrow but I just want to tell her not to.

Just feel like a shit person right now…

Agreed! Why does OP need to text first and in the morning too?

I do understand that not everyone has the easiest relationship with their parents but some of the responses on this thread are pretty cold.

YANBU I can sympathise with your mum feeling vulnerable as she’s getting older, but you’ve offered a solution- she sends you a message every morning and if you don’t hear from her you can check in!

You can get services with panic bracelets and the company check in each day via speaker in the persons home.

@MenopausalMrs my DM is 85 and alone since DF died in 2020. She has lost some confidence in the last couple of years and about a year ago she mentioned that she was afraid of dying and lying unfound. So I immediately said just ping me a message each morning and I’ll reply and if I don’t hear from you I’ll call someone to check on you.

since then she pings me some mundane little message at about 8.30 and I reply or just send an emoji. It takes very little time indeed and makes her feel less alone. Would you be willing to do that? If you suggest this and she refuses then she’s unreasonable. If she agrees then do it. It’s not difficult.

I text my widowed dad every day and we talk 3 or 4 times a week. He’s in great health and looks after himself well but I still worry about him.

There’s another side to this too, I check in with a vulnerable relative every morning. Sometimes (not often) they don’t respond …cue worrying and wondering if we need to go over there (they live over an hour away). If I could start again and find an alternative way of checking in, I would.

Similar position. I lost my Dd in 2014. He did everything for my mum, and since then, my mum expects me to fill in.

I have a family, run my own business and now have to be her PA as well.

she’s in her 80’s, with various health problems, but has been a manipulative influence in my life since I was a child. I moved out at 17 because of it.

i moved to the other side of the country at 21, my mum and dad moved the next street over when i had kids so they could be near to the grandkids….not once did my kids stay with them overnight or otherwise in all the time they’ve lived here. (Over 20 years)

Now my Dad isn’t here to see to my mums every whim she expects me to.

she plays the ‘ill’ card every time she wants things her own way, including yesterday on Christmas morning when I texted her to tell her that my son would pick her up.

she decided that she was too ill to spend Christmas with us…even though, I’ve just got over flu and still feeling crap, but have put my big girls pants on to make Christmas lovely for everyone.

my son turned up to collected her regardless and said she was sitting fully dressed waiting for him anyway…so again, another of her games to make me feel crap.

I hate to say it, but I actively dislike my mother, but am expected to be there for her as I’m the only remaining child and I begrudge it.

but if I don’t ‘check in’ every day, she presses her emergency button and gets an ambulance on some made up affliction.
I know she’s on a speeding train to dementia too…it’s becoming so apparent now, and it terrifies me.

sorry…I’ve just spewed out my problems without giving you a better idea how to deal with your problem…but I’d say set boundaries now…. Tell your mum that you will contact her when you can, or tell her to contact you to check in.
don’t be manipulated…as it won’t just stop here.

good luck.

Mum and I send each other our Wordle result every day. Works for us.

She’s not your responsibility, and you’ve got enough on your plate. If she wants to text you, then fine.

I was going to say you are BU, but realise that I whatsapp or message my close friends every single day and have a few group chats where we interact every day.

So I don't think a quick text every morning is that much to ask. Annoying to be asked , but not a big deal

You need to get the alarm. It's ridiculous to wait until there's a physical problem before getting it. There's a mental problem now, your health anxiety. Having the alarm would fix that. It would actually fix it better than a daily text from someone, which might come through 5min before a catastrophic health event and then you'd wait 24hrs for the next text, plus "sensible reply time" for someone to realise anything was wrong. Then are they really going to call 999 just because you didn't reply or are they going to wait until after work to drop in on you, so more delay? Just get the alarm so you can press it and someone knows there's a problem right away. Living without the fear and stress will be better for your health too.

The situation you're currently putting yourself in makes no sense whatsoever. I'm guessing it comes down to not wanting to accept you're at the point of needing the alarm or not wanting to pay for it. You can deal with this fear and fix your problem all by yourself by accepting the reality that you're old and scared. There's nothing wrong with being either of those things.

Remaining in denial isn't helping your mental state and won't help your relationships with family if you do progress in the future to trying to make them responsible for you with manipulation tactics like the OPs mother. You don't sound like the kind of person who would be manipulative but who knows, if you feel desperate enough maybe you'd change. Take charge of your own life instead, it's within your power to do so. Don't torture yourself with these fears by refusing the thing that would fix them for you.

My mum texts me and my brother every morning. She was sick of us ringing her.

If she has been a loving and caring mum to you, then I would definitely find 30 seconds as soon as I wake up to text her so that she feels loved and valued.

Unfortunately, she is expecting you to fill the void in her life that would be met by having a partner around every morning. You’re right - it’s an unreasonable expectation of a daughter and not fair to put this pressure on you. It feels a bit like ‘If you loved me you would so you mustn’t care’, when in reality you are busy trying to look after your own children. Text when you have a moment.

Can’t you see it’s unreasonable to assume that you don’t feel loved or valued if you don’t receive a text every single morning and to then sulk? It’s horribly clingy behaviour. Just because it’s OPs mum and not a clingy needy boyfriend doesn’t make it any more reasonable.

I fell out of the bath. I was bruised and sore but fine. It freaked me out a bit though, and I asked my sister and a close friend to join a WhatsApp group and if I didn't appear by 10am they are to do something - call, come round, get the police to do a welfare check. I've never had another problem like that, but we continue to do it. Point is, I make the effort, and thats what you have to do if you live alone and want to be checked up on. Having others text you doesn't make any real difference. So she is probably lonely and wants company, and it's not really reasonable to expect of you wen you've so much on

a daily text is fine, takes seconds, easily done whilst you’re waiting for the toast to pop out of the toaster in the morning. A daily phone call is a different matter as that takes at least 10-20 mins or more.

What’s the big deal? As a single parent l checked in my dm every day.

I didn’t want her to feel vulnurable or alone.

can you get an AI to schedule daily messages 😄

This is needy attention seeking behaviour. Don’t entertain it and don’t feel bad about it.

Since my dad died my mum has texted me and my sibling each morning and evening to say good morning/good night, as do we to her. She's fit and well, late 70s and if we didn't get those texts we would know that something was amiss. She didn't expect it though and did it of her own volition but it's normal how and gives all 3 of us a bit of reassurance.

She wants you to text her rather than the other way round so she can tell her friends. It's all about appearances. My mum is the same. She wants them to know what a 'good' daughter she raised.
I personally couldn't cope with daily contact with mine for various reasons so I wouldn't be doing that.
As for safety reasons, well she could have a heart attack 5 minutes after your text, as could you. You don't need to be elderly for these things to happen.

I became a widow three years ago - my family and I have a whatsapp group and send a quick message every morning, if I didn't they would ring to find out if I was okay. Takes seconds but is reassuring.

@Katkins17 let her press the alarm, the emergency service have ways of dealing with nuisance people like this. Tell the alarm company to take you off their list of contacts to call if she presses it. If she has sufficient income sign her up for a support worker to come twice a week for a couple hours to deal with her admin. If she cancels them she obviously doesn't need them then. Which means you don't have to do it either. The support worker doesn't need power of attorney. Your mum can write a letter to whichever company the support worker needs to contact, naming them as someone allowed to deal with her affairs, then the company will take calls from them and give them information etc. If she doesn't have sufficient income for that then see if she qualifies for Attendance Allowance, to increase her income. You could also move again to escape her, it's ok to do that, she basically stalked you to live close by. If you do, don't tell her your address this time and keep contact by phone or email only, if you want to keep contact at all. If she was a shit mother to you it's ok to not want to help her now, you don't owe her.