Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not text my Mum every morning!

423 replies

MenopausalMrs · 26/12/2025 00:02

My Mum has been over today for Christmas dinner.

During dinner she said that she feels that I should text her every morning to check in that she is okay. For context, she has no health issues at all, but she is on her own and has been since my dad died in 2020.

I responded that I am a single parent who works full time and needs to get kids to school, packed lunches /myself ready etc and could she just text me instead.

She was annoyed about this and said it literally takes seconds to send a text, even sending one to me to demonstrate! She also mentioned that her friend’s children check in on them twice a day…

At this point I did lose my shit a bit because she wasn’t understanding that what for her is a second is another thing for me to remember to do in the morning, when she has nothing to do at all.

I’m so upset that apparently I am unreasonable when I don’t think I am… she’s supposed to be coming tomorrow but I just want to tell her not to.

Just feel like a shit person right now…

OP posts:
Atsocta · 27/12/2025 19:57

YellowPixie · 27/12/2025 19:11

Stop it with the guilt tripping. Oh you can spare a minute, I would do it because actually love my mother, my mother raised me - and all the rest of it.

It's "just a minute" until the OP's mum drops the phone down the side of the sofa and the battery runs down, then OP is up to high doh thinking mother has carked it overnight.

Show quote history

Well when her mothers dead she might just regret not giving her a text ..
I phoned my mum every day before work to make sure she was ok, yes I had a family too, just wish she was still alive so I could still phone or visit her …

BlueJuniper94 · 27/12/2025 19:59

tommyhoundmum · 27/12/2025 19:44

It's a button on a chain that you wear round your neck all the time. It connects you to friendly, immediate help when pressed.

Show quote history

Where do you get one and is it expensive? Does this come from a Dr or is this private

LouiseK93 · 27/12/2025 20:01

My nan does it other way around. She messages my aunt every morning and evening to say "okay" and if she doesnt my aunt will ring my nan to see if shes okay. Has done for years. Nan is 82.
So maybe your mum should message you every morning to say shes okay? Shouldn't be an issue as it "takes seconds" to send a text.

TappyGilmore · 27/12/2025 20:01

YANBU. I talk to my mother pretty much every day, but it absolutely would not work for me to have a requirement to check in at a particular time each day.

She is being manipulative. Your suggestion of her texting you is perfectly reasonable, and if she is worried about something happening to her and no-one knowing, it would still alleviate that worry.

sittingonabeach · 27/12/2025 20:02

@BlueJuniper94 this is an example
www.ageuk.org.uk/products/mobility-and-independence-at-home/personal-alarms/

Ilovechocolatelimesandsherbertlemons · 27/12/2025 20:11

When people live alone as they get older they worry they might fall, bang their head, hurt their back or become ill, and no one will notice. My friend's mum did this and was on the floor for 3 days following a stroke. It was a disaster. I understand why your mum wants a check in, I did the same for my mum. You don't have to be old to trip and fall either, it can happen at any age.
But you could agree that she sends you a text. And if you don't hear from her when you have finished the school run, you will send her a text or ring to check.
It's not being manipulative, it's a real fear.

Wonderwhyibother · 27/12/2025 20:11

My mum texts me 'morning' every morning and I respond the same. I asked her to do this after her first heart attack that came out of the blue just so I knew she was alive because we both live on our own. Became even more important after her second and if I text and she hasn't responded within an hour when I know she's not out with her friend then I will always call to make sure she's okay. 💩 happens out of the blue when you least expect it so what harm is there really sending a quick text message every day?

tommyhoundmum · 27/12/2025 20:11

BlueJuniper94 · 27/12/2025 19:59

Where do you get one and is it expensive? Does this come from a Dr or is this private

Show quote history

Perhaps speak to the older person's doctor. I don't think my mother paid anything for hers.

Crazylady80 · 27/12/2025 20:12

In your shoes, I would ask your mum to text you every morning instead because you have a lot going on first thing that you are more likely to forget. Then if she doesn’t text you, you know she may not be ok and will call. Assuming it is because she is concerned about something happening to her rather than trying to insert any control over you. My mum texts all her friends and family daily with the same good morning type of message. Often something she’s found on tiktok. But I think this is so that if she doesn’t text, one of her retired friends or family will then checkin on her.

sittingonabeach · 27/12/2025 20:14

If OP is so busy will she bother to check whether she has received a text from her mother

GinPin2 · 27/12/2025 20:14

I ring my mum every morning. Ever since my dad died 28 years ago. Mum is 96 next month and lives independently but has failing health. Twice a week I also childcare my three under six grandchildren who arrive at 7 am. So I tend to ring about 6 am as Mum likes the whole hour if possible.

It is company for her as she cannot get out anymore and the only family local to her (7 miles ) is my sister who visits Mum twice a week.
I suppose it depends on your mum's age but I need to start the day off knowing we still have her, and mum needs the company ( of family )

nestomalt · 27/12/2025 20:17

GinPin2 · 27/12/2025 20:14

I ring my mum every morning. Ever since my dad died 28 years ago. Mum is 96 next month and lives independently but has failing health. Twice a week I also childcare my three under six grandchildren who arrive at 7 am. So I tend to ring about 6 am as Mum likes the whole hour if possible.

It is company for her as she cannot get out anymore and the only family local to her (7 miles ) is my sister who visits Mum twice a week.
I suppose it depends on your mum's age but I need to start the day off knowing we still have her, and mum needs the company ( of family )

You are lovely. Honestly, the attitude of some people on this thread is awful. You're not responsible for your mother etc. Hell you're not responsible for anyone once your kids are 18, no need to give anyone a single thought.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/12/2025 20:19

I think you should tell your mum to send you a hello or emoji every morning and you’ll note if she doesn’t send one

Zov · 27/12/2025 20:21

Ridiculous, demanding, petulant behaviour. I'm embarrassed for her. No-one needs to text someone every day to see if they're OK. Just very odd.

When people get to a certain age (and are retired) I think they conveniently forget how stressed and frazzled middle aged (and younger than middle aged) mums are. AND women who aren't mums! Some older/retired people have a lot of time on their hands, to overthink things, and dwell on things, and 2-3 days of no contact can feel like a week or more (to them.)

YANBU @MenopausalMrs Your mum needs to get some hobbies, and find some friends. Join a hobby group or something. She needs to stop using you as an emotional crutch.

Zov · 27/12/2025 20:25

GinPin2 · 27/12/2025 20:14

I ring my mum every morning. Ever since my dad died 28 years ago. Mum is 96 next month and lives independently but has failing health. Twice a week I also childcare my three under six grandchildren who arrive at 7 am. So I tend to ring about 6 am as Mum likes the whole hour if possible.

It is company for her as she cannot get out anymore and the only family local to her (7 miles ) is my sister who visits Mum twice a week.
I suppose it depends on your mum's age but I need to start the day off knowing we still have her, and mum needs the company ( of family )

Why on earth do you ring your mum at 6am every day, for an HOUR? Confused

What on earth do you talk about?!

You clearly have a huge amount of spare time on your hands, and it sounds like you are retired.... Many women are not in your very cosy and fortunate position. Especially middle aged and younger women. (And especially if they still have children at home!)

Janecat23 · 27/12/2025 20:26

I think the problem is the demand. Something like that feels like it should be organic. It’s not something you have capacity for and it does sound like she’s keeping up with a mate. Is there a different way you work this out. Explain you do care about her deeply but also that you’d never remember as it just doesn’t work so she’d end us more hurt. but try and work something out that is achievable or makes her feel valued in a different way. I’m sorry she’s out you in this situation x

Zov · 27/12/2025 20:26

LouiseK93 · 27/12/2025 20:01

My nan does it other way around. She messages my aunt every morning and evening to say "okay" and if she doesnt my aunt will ring my nan to see if shes okay. Has done for years. Nan is 82.
So maybe your mum should message you every morning to say shes okay? Shouldn't be an issue as it "takes seconds" to send a text.

Confused

Please, I hope I NEVER make me get to the stage when I am like this.

So needy and intense. Why do people start getting like this? I know a number of people in their 70s who aren't like this. AND in their 80s, And 90s. Many people over 75 who posters on MN know (according to some threads on here this past week) appear to be needy and intense, and full-on. Why are they like this?

RawBloomers · 27/12/2025 20:28

OP, you aren't well placed to be texting your mum in the morning as a check in in case of a fall or the like - You have a chaotic and distracting morning routine. Your DM needs someone who will notice if she doesn't text back and be able to either go round or get someone else to. She needs to find someone who doesn't already have overlapping responsibilities. Maybe she can set something up with a friend who is also free in the mornings where they check on each other.

It sounds like your mum may being looking fro some sort of proof that she is going to be looked after by you as she ages. Perhaps a sit down with her about what her plans are and letting her know what she can realistically expect of you (which may be fairly little at the moment while you have young children) might help her think more practically about what she actually needs and how to get it. Do not be guilted into offering more than you want to offer, if you really don't want to be hands on at all, tell her now so she can make the arrangements she needs to while it's still reasonably easy to do so. But do let her know what you are happy to do, either now or after the youngsters are older, and how much you appreciate her company/wisdom/etc. (assuming you do).

LouiseK93 · 27/12/2025 20:33

I can only imagine its after the loss of a husband/partner. She wasnt like it at all before my step grandfather died. Maybe lonely, bored or the realisation of mortality?
I LIKE to think i would do not such thing and become a burden to anyone.

Zov · 27/12/2025 20:43

LouiseK93 · 27/12/2025 20:33

I can only imagine its after the loss of a husband/partner. She wasnt like it at all before my step grandfather died. Maybe lonely, bored or the realisation of mortality?
I LIKE to think i would do not such thing and become a burden to anyone.

Funny though isn't it, how these parents never seem to hound and mither and badger any men in the family/the sons?! Hmm Always frazzled, busy WOMEN/daughters with enough on their plate to deal with in life!

LouiseK93 · 27/12/2025 20:44

Omg YES!!

Hellohelga · 27/12/2025 20:48

My mum is widowed and getting on a bit. I phone every day just to check in. ETA so does my DB.

GinPin2 · 27/12/2025 20:52

Zov · 27/12/2025 20:25

Why on earth do you ring your mum at 6am every day, for an HOUR? Confused

What on earth do you talk about?!

You clearly have a huge amount of spare time on your hands, and it sounds like you are retired.... Many women are not in your very cosy and fortunate position. Especially middle aged and younger women. (And especially if they still have children at home!)

Show quote history

Wow!
When I started ringing my mum every day in the morning 28 years ago, when my dad died, I had a 10 yr old, a 12 yr old and a 14 year old. My post states that I started ringing daily then.
I was also working, a full time primary teacher, and did so for 44 years so yes I am cosy and fortunate to have retired , very deservedly
My post explains why I ring at 6 am, we talk about whatever Mum wants to talk about, because I love her .
And as for time on my hands - I wish !!! I have 7 grandchildren and the 5 that I see almost daily take up my spare hours plus my husband has had bowel cancer over the last 12 months but thankfully on the mend now.
So, yes, I do ring daily.For an hour as that is free in my contract and she knows I can't go over. We nearly lost Mum last Feb, March, April and May but she pulled through. At 96 her time is limited.

neighboursmustliveon · 27/12/2025 20:55

My sister in law does this with her mum but she has no kids and works from home so it isn’t too much trouble.

My MIL isn’t great at initiating contact and DH will just wait to see when she messages him and it is weeks apart.

My DM lives on the other side of the world and it can go months the before she replies to myself or my brothers. She is married so would hear from her DH if anything happened.

Zov · 27/12/2025 20:56

.