To not text my Mum every morning!

[MenopausalMrs]

My Mum has been over today for Christmas dinner.

During dinner she said that she feels that I should text her every morning to check in that she is okay. For context, she has no health issues at all, but she is on her own and has been since my dad died in 2020.

I responded that I am a single parent who works full time and needs to get kids to school, packed lunches /myself ready etc and could she just text me instead.

She was annoyed about this and said it literally takes seconds to send a text, even sending one to me to demonstrate! She also mentioned that her friend’s children check in on them twice a day…

At this point I did lose my shit a bit because she wasn’t understanding that what for her is a second is another thing for me to remember to do in the morning, when she has nothing to do at all.

I’m so upset that apparently I am unreasonable when I don’t think I am… she’s supposed to be coming tomorrow but I just want to tell her not to.

Just feel like a shit person right now…

Thank you nestomalt, yes the attitude of some people on this thread is awful.😔

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Your mum is being unreasonable to expect this every day. I quite often call my mum or text her in the morning. A year ago she had pneumonia so I checked in a lot. Then time went on and it became less frequent. My mum doesn’t expect me to check in and when I do it, it’s because I want to (and have the time because mornings are busy!) and not because I’m guilt tripped into it. I imagine your mum is feeling lonely and isolated, and vulnerable if she is on her own. She may need to feel as though someone is thinking of her. Equally, as a single mum, you may well need that to. She could text you some days and vice versa. Don’t let her guilt trip you into it, but if you do get chance, send that message.

Huh, that's demanding and shows it isn't about you knowing she's ok, it's about you being the kind of daughter she thinks she's entitled to (the obedient, doting, Mother- centred type )

Some mother daughter relationships.this falls naturally into - as eg my dsis rings my mum daily without fail.. But tbh that was as much so my dsis had an audience for her witterings as to check on DM. Now DM is too old to pay attention to her for long, but the pattern continues now only really to check on DM.

But this has evolved perfectly naturally over decades!

You’re being unreasonable. All she wants is a text in the morning which only takes seconds even with everything else you do.
She is a widow and all she wants is a text she could be asking for a lot more , visits , phone calls , helping around house , accompany to doctors , food shop etc etc
we are all going to be old one day . You only get one mum .

My mil texts us every morning. We are super busy too, so she sends a text to check in. If we haven’t received it by 9am we call her. Takes the pressure off us but allows her the reassurance to know that we expect that text message. She also has a fall alarm but she’s never fallen yes but better to be prepared rhan not!

If she lives on her own then I don’t think that is unreasonable. I had access to my step mums Ring camera to keep an eye on things and messaged her at least once a day. She died unexpectedly recently and at least I could see when she was last alive on her Ring camera and when I had last spoken to her a few hours before.

I wonder how she will respond if she's not OK? Surely she would ring you for help if she needs it? Emotional blackmail is horrible to deal with. Don't pander to it. You are not a bad or neglectful daughter. Just make sure you phone and keep her up to date with family news and let her share her day with you.

For people living on their own, it's because falling over can easily lead to an injury that means you can't move to reach a phone or get help in some other way and you are stuck like that until someone checks in on you. People can die in those circumstances when they'd otherwise have years of life left.

It isn't so much "needy" as putting a fail safe system in place. It doesn't have to be a real person you text or speak to, but having a family member or friend who will do this for you can feel more personable and reliable and be cheaper than paying for fall/alarm service.

She is being ridiculously needy!

I posted on page 10 asking how come there is no app for this? And there are.
Just look them up OP and sending you solidarity.
Come on I have read posters say their parents are in their 90s, that's different. I am not taking a 20+ year committment to indulge a healthy and able-bodied 70year old.

She wants to know that @MenopausalMrs cares about her. That isn't achieved by her texting. How hard is it to message?

My mum was widowed not that long ago and ever since then she has texted me about 7am every day. Basically to let me know she’s alive and has survived the night! The timing isn’t exact and there has only been one occasion where the text didn’t arrive. After several attempts to contact her by other means, at 10am I got into the car and drove over to her house, sick with dread at what I might find. What I found was that she had accidentally put her phone into airplane mode 😂
It would not work for me if I had to remember to text her. I always acknowledge her text in some way, but sometimes not until after school drop off, and sometimes it’s just a thumbs up rather than a substantive response. I think it’s not unreasonable for your Mum to want to set up a system so that you know she’s ok. But it is unreasonable for her to place the burden of that system on you, when it’s the text from her that tells you what you need to know. You texting her doesn’t actually achieve anything - it’s the reply that gives you the important info! So there is no reason for her not to initiate the contact.

You texting her every morning doesn't prove she's not lying in a heap at the foot of her stairs. To reassure you that she's well she needs to text you. Perhaps you can agree to text or call her at lunchtime?

It is called setting boundaries. This only happens after an event like this. You have to adjust your priorities. My dad used to call this " put your foot down with a firm hand "
My first few months of marriage (1970s) my MIL rang every night at 6pm to ask what I was cooking for my husband. I put a stop to it by telling her to simply stop it or I wouldn't answer the phone. (land line and no caller ID in those days).

MY mum had "family Sunday" the first Sunday in the month when we ( 2 brothers & family and 2 sisters & family) were expected to attend. It was blo**y awful, family squabbles etc. After a few years I announced I wasn't coming anymore. I saw her throughout the month anyway. I "copped" the rage but after it had died down all my brothers and sisters admitted they hated it but didn't want to be the one to speak out.

My best advice to you is to sit and think about the 2 choices. "if i did what she wants how would I feel" and then "how would I feel if I stuck to MY choices.

Go with the one that feels best.

I said energy not time. When you’re spinning loads of plates it’s quite tiring having someone else adding to it, never mind dictating a daily request. Brill for you that you don’t know that feeling though!

I think the practical reality of this is a bit much- two young kids, single parent who is working just trying to get through the mornings and evenings. What if her mum doesn't respond within a reasonable amount of time? The kids need to be at school she needs to be at work. She could go and check on her mum once or twice but it's going to cause a massive issue if mum starts not answering, playing the boy who cried wolf to get attention from daughter who is very busy trying to keep family afloat. Her mum should have an alarm system out in the house where she can pull tags for emergencies.

Not give anyone a single thought is not the same as be controlled by someone and guilt tripped into doing exactly what they want when they want. There is a lot of ground in between!

I know right. And the passive aggressive, manipulative comments on here from some posters trying to guilt trip and emotionally blackmail already frazzled and busy women (who already have enough on their plate to deal within life, including a job, and young children or teenagers,) is shocking.

The OP's mum needs to get a grip, get out more, get some hobbies, and get some more people in her life to lean on... Leave the poor OP alone. It's so unfair to put her in the position of being her emotional crutch. As I said, I pray that I never get like this. Then again, as I said, most people I know are not like this, but those who are, ALWAYS put pressure on the women/the daughters, never the fecking men/the sons!

Way to emotionally blackmail already stressed women eh?! Some disgraceful comments on here, trying to make the OP feel guilty when she's done nothing wrong...

Double post!

How about the mum texts her as OP requested. I

This!!!

100% this! ^

Is it such a big issue to take a minute to text your mum/dad each morning?
I phone each morning in the car on the way to the gym to check in.

I think that's fine. But they text (except i suppose they might accidentally on purpose not text to whip up a bit of attention..)