To not text my Mum every morning!

[MenopausalMrs]

My Mum has been over today for Christmas dinner.

During dinner she said that she feels that I should text her every morning to check in that she is okay. For context, she has no health issues at all, but she is on her own and has been since my dad died in 2020.

I responded that I am a single parent who works full time and needs to get kids to school, packed lunches /myself ready etc and could she just text me instead.

She was annoyed about this and said it literally takes seconds to send a text, even sending one to me to demonstrate! She also mentioned that her friend’s children check in on them twice a day…

At this point I did lose my shit a bit because she wasn’t understanding that what for her is a second is another thing for me to remember to do in the morning, when she has nothing to do at all.

I’m so upset that apparently I am unreasonable when I don’t think I am… she’s supposed to be coming tomorrow but I just want to tell her not to.

Just feel like a shit person right now…

I think this is insane. I’d be concerned that the wheels had fallen off if my kids texted me every day.

several people have mentioned using hands free to call parents. It is offered up as a time saving suggestion however, although legal in the UK, there is good evidence it is distracting and associated with an increase in accidents. It is banned in the company that I work for whilst driving on business. The risk of accidents outweighs the safety benefits of a call.

The guilt trippy posts on here are bizarre. The onus is not on OP to text every day. I’m glad my mum isn’t so weirdly demanding which is probably why we get on so well and we don’t resent each other and have a great relationship. Surely if your mum is that bothered she can text if she wants to? If she’s scared an alarm or move
into assisted living? I have a feeling it’s more about wanting to leverage guilt to feel important. Sorry I couldn’t think of anything worse than forced texting or obligation. It’s not why you should have kids. It would drive my mum absolutely mad too. The comments on this thread baffle me.

She sounds lonely
Why not just do it out of kindness?
You don't have to enjoy it.
And maybe say I'll message in the morning but that could be anytime from 6am-11.59am
Doesn't have to be a set time.
Make life easy

Some of the comments on here made me sad because of the lack of empathy and assuming they know why the mother is asking for this. I have contact with my parents daily but in the evening usually just before kids go to bed so we can all say goodnight to each other. I do it to show them they are still important to me and my family and that I love and care. I also speak to my MIL and my husband when he's away at work (he's away for 3 weeks and home 4 weeks).

I voted yanbu BC I recognise that ',one more thing in the morning issue' but I would ask her to text me every morning to say she's ok. Then all you have to do is click a thumbs up etc.

I understand DMs feelings about, who would notice if I fell down the stairs, had a stroke etc. I was single a while and it felt very lonely having no one check in on me.

Hi

I think you maybe need to make this a new thread as it's not relevant to this one.

Interesting topic though

I understand how you’re both feeling. As an over worked mother and as someone who has health anxiety which is getting worse as I age. Why does it have to be the morning though when everything is so frantic? There might be a better time of day that you could agree on and let’s face it accidents and worse can happen at any time of the day. My friends mum had a camera installed in her house so my friend could check in on her which she would do several times a day if she needed to. It didn’t stop the inevitable though.

Depends on the mother, if she stays using it an excuse to start sending more messages to moan or attention seek, it's something you don't need or want every morning.

What is your relationship with her like? She’s either needy and demanding of your time or feels unloved and uncared for.
if you want, do it another time during the day. Attach it to another habit like a coffee break or sitting down to lunch.

You live in an unrealistic world! My mum won't even have a mobile phone and she never rings me, I have to make all the effort, she is also manipulative, narcissistic, manipulative and think I should ring her every morning and let her say negative shit or refuse to answer the phone when I have to start work at 8am! Some parents will play games if you start going down that road.

Congratulations on not having any mentally abusive, narcissistic parenting your life, it's a different kettle of fish altogether when they have toxic mental health issues believe me!

I've seen so much of this on different threads I er Xmas, these people don't understand what it's like to have a parent with mental health issues that makes them narcissistic and manipulative! My mum refuses to have a mobile phone anyway since my dad died and she has played some horrible games over the 9 years since he went. My aunt rings her daily and she can often sustain abuse, suicide threats etc from her and my mum has at times in the last gone through phases of not answering phones to make people worry! My mum is 36 miles away from me and I have to start work at 8am in the mornings so I do not need that kind of game play going on! I keep contact low with my mum and that stops her ever getting toxic with me like she does my brother and aunt.

How horrible most people are being here. Yes you have a lot to do, but she’s on her own and feeling vulnerable - which is what this seems to be driven by. She’s right. Anything could happen anytime and there’s no one there. If something did happen, how would you know? A friend checks on her mum every evening. When she rang recently and didn’t get an answer, she asked her neighbour just to go and check on her. They found her slumped on the floor. Luckily she was revived and everything was OK, but without that routine it might have been different!

OP you are not a shit person, my mum refuses to even have a mobile phone since my dad died, she would never ring me, I have to always ring her and I certainly not start ringing her every morning when I have start work at 8am. She has issues that make her narcissistic, toxic, manipulative and I don't suicide threats etc when she knows I've got to start work shortly. Then there's what do you do when they decide not to answer that text or call! It depends on his much your mum might play games for attention but my mum definitely does at times and I don't need that when she's 36 miles from me and I have to start work at 8am!

Im in both situations!
As an older person with health problems, living very remotely Id hate this commitment myself. What if I wasn't around to answer? Would mrs rabbit appear in her helicopter?
Texting is great as it means you dont need an instant reply - or would she expect you to react if you didnt get an instant reply?
Id not dream of placing this burden on my kids.

Life is busy and Im with you largely. I say largely as it is nice to feel that someone cares, so I think checking in randomly is good. But Id try not to develop a routine or habit of a specific time.

I have an older sister (80 yrs old) who would text and ring relentlessly if she didnt get an instant reply. She'd sometimes be very upset if I rang late and "about to start ringing the hospitals" i nipped that in the bud quickly and bluntly.

I also resented finally sitting down in the evening then the expectation to spend ages on the phone every blooming night making small talk, it was something we had never done, we had not been close - so I ensured I emphasised that Id not be doing that, i do it randomly when Ive got something to say and we have a much more enjoyable conversation.

Id hate to feel nobody cared about me and id hate for my sister to feel uncared for but Id hate the commitment either way and the idea of being a burden to my kids.
I want them to contact me because they wish too, not because id demanded it.

Life has changed for her and it seems that much of her focus has moved onto you. As people have said, she needs other outlets/hobbies/friends. Perhaps she has a specific concern but whatever, I think you need to be clear about managing her expectations

The mum doesn't want a failsafe system in place. She wants her daughter to run around after her at what is already the busiest time of day for her. If mum wanted a failsafe system, she wouldn't have refused to send a daily text herself.

It actually seems to be driven by the fact that OP's mum's friends' children text them daily or even twice a day so she wants the same. It's a 'keeping up with the Joneses' desire rather than a 'being scared about keeling over' desire.

OP has suggested that her mum messages her every day, which would serve exactly the same purpose but her mum refuses so she can't be that worried. She wants her daughter to put in the effort so that she can also boast about it to her friends.

I was responding here to the post I’d quoted which was a more general discussion about people having daily contact.

In OP’s case I think the mum may well want a failsafe system but primarily she’s asking OP to demonstrate that she is OP’s priority. And the reality is that OP has a bunch of priorities that come before her mum (as she should).

Good posts from @Witknitand @bigboykitty. I think for those posters who have had a close relationship with their DM all their lives they genuinely don’t see this as a burden or unnecessary job and because it’s easy for them, they extrapolate that everyone has the same relationship and therefore should be easy for them.
It’s not about the DM being worried if so she would have gone with the texting the OP rather than the other way round. It’s about performative caring and to me feels like it could be the tip of the iceberg in terms of her expectations as she gets older. She is only 70 for goodness sake, it would be different if she was 80+ , but this could go on for decades. Most 70 year olds want to help and support their working DCs not the other way round.
Anyway the voting shows how most people feel rather than those having a fit of vapours about refusing to do every single thing an older person asks for because they’ll be dead one day ( as will we all).

Not everyone is able to respond if they are on the floor, at the bottom of the stairs, had a stroke etc etc. I know of several people who died in the bathroom or sitting on the sofa. Those things worry people when they get older. Who will find me? How long would I be there?
Thank goodness I have sons who are kinder than many if the women ion this thread. I'm nowhere near this stage yet but did it for all my in-laws and parents. And yes I worked full time as a headteacher and had 3 children.

Thank you for sharing this - sheds light on what OP's mum might be feeling but can't articulate
Sometimes we say things to our nearest and dearest that come off as selfish but are actually grounded in fear of something we can't admit that to ourselves, let alone others - esp to offspring who were once the vulnerable ones in need of support. Your reply has made me realise something about my own comms with my mum and how she might also be anxious about this but can't actually say it.

Do you wee in the morning? Then do a "Hi mum" when you sit on the loo.
It's seconds and yes, frankly one day she won't be there to answer.
It's not a dependency, she just needs to feel valued.

🙄