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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not text my Mum every morning!

423 replies

MenopausalMrs · 26/12/2025 00:02

My Mum has been over today for Christmas dinner.

During dinner she said that she feels that I should text her every morning to check in that she is okay. For context, she has no health issues at all, but she is on her own and has been since my dad died in 2020.

I responded that I am a single parent who works full time and needs to get kids to school, packed lunches /myself ready etc and could she just text me instead.

She was annoyed about this and said it literally takes seconds to send a text, even sending one to me to demonstrate! She also mentioned that her friend’s children check in on them twice a day…

At this point I did lose my shit a bit because she wasn’t understanding that what for her is a second is another thing for me to remember to do in the morning, when she has nothing to do at all.

I’m so upset that apparently I am unreasonable when I don’t think I am… she’s supposed to be coming tomorrow but I just want to tell her not to.

Just feel like a shit person right now…

OP posts:
Oldandgreyer · 27/12/2025 22:28

Schedule a month's worth at a time

Delphiniumandlupins · 27/12/2025 22:30

Doubledenim305 · 27/12/2025 22:12

How about the mum texts her as OP requested. I

Show quote history

Agreed

oldmoaner · 27/12/2025 22:32

Well, your mom probably thinks the same as me. If she had a fall, a heart attack, stroke (you dont need to be ill for anything to happen) she could be dead and you'd probably say well she should have phoned me. She's your mother, she's on her own, would a text saying morning mom you ok? Take too much of your time? Honestly? One day she won't be there for you to send a 2 minute text to her. I was a single parent no mobile or landline, id stop at the telephone box and give my mom a quick call after taking my DC to school.

sittingonabeach · 27/12/2025 22:32

Many men talk to their mums on a regular basis.

HAPPILYMARRIEDSINCE2012 · 27/12/2025 22:33

Tink3rbell30 · 26/12/2025 00:04

I ring my DM every morning (well and DF as they are together in the same house). Just a little check in, they appreciate it. A text would be even quicker so I don't see the issue.

Agree... I do the same on my way to work

RawBloomers · 27/12/2025 22:33

DierdreDaphne · 27/12/2025 22:22

I think that's fine. But they text (except i suppose they might accidentally on purpose not text to whip up a bit of attention..)

Show quote history

It's a fine solution if both parties are happy with it. But OP's not in any position to be noticing if her DM has texted her while her mornings are a chaotic mess, her bandwidth is already entirely taken up. And she may not want to even once her kids are older. Her DM needs to look to someone else if she wants this.

thepariscrimefiles · 27/12/2025 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

So are you. OP hasn't insulted anyone on this thread, unlike the many posters like yourself who have insulted and guilt tripped OP.

Starseeking · 27/12/2025 22:44

I call my Dad every morning on my way to work despite the fact he lives with my Mum lol. I’d be resentful if he asked me to do it as a way of making himself my priority as I too am a single parent to DC including one with additional needs.

I can see where you are coming from to resent having your FM try to add another thing to your morning routine and don’t blame you for being annoyed.

BunnyLake · 27/12/2025 22:50

She could do what I do, I do the texting to let my adult kids know I’m ok (but I only do once a week, but she could text say three times a week). It doesn’t need to be your job if she’s perfectly capable of texting. When you live alone you realise no one knows if you’re not ok.

catherinewales · 27/12/2025 23:04

My mum was well last Christmas and although has some health issues. I never spoke to her do 25 hours. We found her unconscious in her house poorly with Covid. We then found her again towards the end of the year unconscious again she’d been there for 2 days. She had flu. So although not checking in the morning we do check in every day now. Mum sends a quick txt to say she’s up and then one saying she’s going to bed. If she doesn’t txt one of us will phone her then out in the group chat we’ve spoken to her. It does only take a second but it should also work both ways xx

CommonAsMucklowe · 27/12/2025 23:17

Your mother can initiate that, it shouldn't be on you. Tell her to text and you'll read it on your break. If you don't get a text tell her you'll send an ambulance.

Thingscouldntgetanyworse · 27/12/2025 23:18

Sorry I think you’re being unreasonable. I used to phone my mum daily when I was in the car either going to work or coming home from work just to check in and catch up. My mum couldn’t text so phone calls it was. Sadly she passed in June quite suddenly. I’d give anything to have those daily phone calls back.

Meg8 · 27/12/2025 23:32

I can't believe how short-sighted some posters are about the various health problems and fears that start to arrive as you get to your later years. I suppose that in your forties you think you'll be fit and well at your parents' age (and I hope you are) but in fact health can deteriorate at a moment's notice for anyone, but especially in your retirement years. Loneliness can also hit hard when you have lost your spouse or partner as can lack of confidence.

I'm not saying that one's DC have to spend hours with their DPs when they get older, but just be mindful and sympathetic to the people who brought you up and accept that old age brings many changes and challenges.

Some of you appear to be very heartless indeed. I hope your kids are growing up witnessing your kindness to your DPs such that when your turn comes they don't simply wash their hands of you.

jetlag92 · 27/12/2025 23:36

Tink3rbell30 · 26/12/2025 00:04

I ring my DM every morning (well and DF as they are together in the same house). Just a little check in, they appreciate it. A text would be even quicker so I don't see the issue.

That is really not a good habit to get into....

Slebs · 27/12/2025 23:39

I can see the frustration from both sides. Let the argument cool and think about the issues calmly before going back to the conversation.

Your mum is feeling vulnerable but has expressed it badly and her worry of being alone is then confirmed to her when you say you won't text. Your daily life is stressful and you feel one more thing will break the camel's back. You've responded defensively to a perceived attack, understandably. You both probably now both feel hurt, misunderstood and a bit guilty.

What needs to happen for everyone to feel better about the situation? Your mum is possibly worried about being ill and alone. That isn't unreasonable. You have a really busy morning routine to deal with already and it's stressful to add to. That's also not unreasonable.

Unless you have a generally terrible relationship I think she would welcome honesty. If you can tell her you were feeling so overloaded that you didn't stop to think how things might be affecting her, it gives your mum a way to recognise she's also thinking of her own needs without properly considering yours. If you're both calm and looking for a solution together you should be able to find something workable for all. If neither of you will see the other's point of view, there's no solution and continued arguments, hurt and guilt. It's worth extending the olive branch to relieve some of the stress on yourself, if nothing else.

carpool · 27/12/2025 23:48

I don't see how you texting her will let you know if she is OK or not. For that to happen she would need to text you back. If she is going to have to text you back anyway why can't she just text you in the first place?

DetectiveDouche · 27/12/2025 23:56

YellowPixie · 27/12/2025 18:13

I cannot believe there are women in their 50s texting their mother to tell them they have arrived safely at work. I mean, WT actual F. This is enabling controlling and anxious behaviour from the mother, feeding into the idea that something might happen to a middle aged woman who is presumably going to work in an ordinary job, not in bomb disposal, on a North Sea oil rig or somewhere equally dangerous. Just no.

It's not about caring, or not caring, or having a great relationship, a rubbish relationship or something in between.

Something like the alert necklace she could press for assistance if she needed it at any time of the day or night would be far more sensible than a random daily check in at 8.30am which is bugger all use if she's been lying on the floor with a broken hip since midnight. Or one of the kettle companion things which is a genius idea.

I moan a lot about my mother being a total technophobe who could no sooner send a text than fly in the air. But at least it does stop her making these sorts of ridiculous demands or trying to guilt trip me into a schedule of contact.

@YellowPixie I guess you mean me. Yes my mum is anxious. She is 85. Whatsapping her that I'm safe when I get into work is definitely one of the lesser responsibilities that I have. It makes her feel better and I love her so I'm happy to do it. One day I won't have to. Im sure I can manage such a small thing until then

coronafiona · 28/12/2025 00:03

Get Siri to write it for you as you drive to work?

Tink3rbell30 · 28/12/2025 00:04

jetlag92 · 27/12/2025 23:36

That is really not a good habit to get into....

Show quote history

I've done it for years, I enjoy our chats.

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 28/12/2025 00:07

saraclara · 26/12/2025 00:27

I'm 70. I live alone. My own mother lived alone when she had the massive stroke that disabled her for life. She was only found (12 hours later) by complete chance. By then it was too late to prevent her stroke damaging her so badly. But if course she could have died and not be done for days or weeks.

I have become increasingly fearful of something like this happening to me. I would love to ask my DDs to check in on me each day, but I don't feel that I can.

I'm reasonably healthy at this point, so having one of those alarms seems overkill. But it's a very real anxiety, and your mum is obviously feeling that too.

Can't you arrange to text your children at set times every day? Why do they have to initiate the checks?

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 28/12/2025 00:12

oldmoaner · 27/12/2025 22:32

Well, your mom probably thinks the same as me. If she had a fall, a heart attack, stroke (you dont need to be ill for anything to happen) she could be dead and you'd probably say well she should have phoned me. She's your mother, she's on her own, would a text saying morning mom you ok? Take too much of your time? Honestly? One day she won't be there for you to send a 2 minute text to her. I was a single parent no mobile or landline, id stop at the telephone box and give my mom a quick call after taking my DC to school.

But why do you have to wait for a text from your child to let them know you're OK? Why not just send a text yourself at a set time?

The statement "one day she won't be there" is really not a valid argument in this context.

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 28/12/2025 00:17

RawBloomers · 27/12/2025 21:25

For people living on their own, it's because falling over can easily lead to an injury that means you can't move to reach a phone or get help in some other way and you are stuck like that until someone checks in on you. People can die in those circumstances when they'd otherwise have years of life left.

It isn't so much "needy" as putting a fail safe system in place. It doesn't have to be a real person you text or speak to, but having a family member or friend who will do this for you can feel more personable and reliable and be cheaper than paying for fall/alarm service.

Show quote history

If that is a concern, you need one of those alarms that hang around your neck. But if you have put in place a system whereby you will text them at set times, you won't need to wait for anyone to contact you anyway.

Nerdynerdynerd · 28/12/2025 00:21

And what if she doesn't reply? Do you panic? Is she going to reply right away? How long before you know something is wrong? You have to add that to the mental load, mum didn't text back 2 hours ago, what do I do etc

No harm to her but a "good morning" text is no good to her if she's in trouble.

Famua · 28/12/2025 00:24

YellowPixie · 27/12/2025 18:13

I cannot believe there are women in their 50s texting their mother to tell them they have arrived safely at work. I mean, WT actual F. This is enabling controlling and anxious behaviour from the mother, feeding into the idea that something might happen to a middle aged woman who is presumably going to work in an ordinary job, not in bomb disposal, on a North Sea oil rig or somewhere equally dangerous. Just no.

It's not about caring, or not caring, or having a great relationship, a rubbish relationship or something in between.

Something like the alert necklace she could press for assistance if she needed it at any time of the day or night would be far more sensible than a random daily check in at 8.30am which is bugger all use if she's been lying on the floor with a broken hip since midnight. Or one of the kettle companion things which is a genius idea.

I moan a lot about my mother being a total technophobe who could no sooner send a text than fly in the air. But at least it does stop her making these sorts of ridiculous demands or trying to guilt trip me into a schedule of contact.

Exactly this! Routines that are expected become a burden and obligation. The phrase ‘mental load’ doesn’t seem to get used as much as it did, however, this is a classic case of that. Add to that the limited practical value as several posters have pointed out already (text at 8.00am, fall at 8.05am, dead is dead whether the daughter knows or not etc). A sensor or pendant is better or even an Alexa - they have a surprisingly wide range around a home and can dial from voice command. however, the intimation here is that this is less about practicality and more about attention or, being generous, being overly anxious. And as for the ‘be grateful you have a mother, you will wish she was here to text one day’. Behave. One of my parents is dead and I definitely don’t sit here wishing I could text/phone.

WilfredsPies · 28/12/2025 00:38

She can demand morning texts all she likes, and she can tell you that you’re a terrible daughter and that all of her friends children check on them every 18 minutes without fail. But it doesn’t really matter what she demands or what she says. You simply say ‘No mum, I’m not doing that’.

If she’s experiencing health anxiety, or she’s heard about someone her age being eaten by their hamster, then suggest to her that she gets one of those emergency alert things you wear around your neck. Definitely don’t suggest that she texts you each morning, because she might decide to start sodding about and ‘forget’ to text one morning, and then you’re left wondering if she hasn’t text because she’s laying on the floor, or because she’s forgotten.

Yes, it’s true that one day she’ll be gone. But that’s true for every single one of us. Are you supposed to check in with her daily to confirm you haven’t been eaten by an escaped lion? Or fallen into an 80’ deep sinkhole?

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