Give my head a wobble or return DS’s gifts?

[NameChange2675]

DS18 has Autism & ADHD diagnosis. Generally a poor gift giver but this has been improving in recent years. Had a chat a few weeks ago and he voiced that he’s going to make more effort this Christmas.

He had £500 that he’d squirrelled away but since returning to school this year he’s somehow gone through it all. Nothing to show for it.

He has decided that as he has such a small amount left (about £100) he is not wasting his money on Christmas presents.

I am on a budget but set aside £100 which I have spent on some gifts that are to do with his special interests and that he will really like.

However, I’ve spent the last few days thinking that if he doesn’t want to waste his money on gifts, then why should I? I told him that he’s being incredibly selfish and that it makes me feel like I want to return his gifts - which it does.

I haven’t wrapped any of his gifts and plan to return them all.

Do I need to give my head a wobble?

With regard to what other gifts he’ll receive - the answer is very few. My mum couldn’t think what to get him and so has just bought some socks, which he’ll receive tomorrow. He’s still in bed/asleep right now and obviously has not had his stocking as usual.

You really need to give your head a wobble

Yes he should buy you a present - but I'm presuming he's a teen, in which case he's still a WIP. You aren't. You should not have told him you want to return his presents.

I'm guessing you're having rough Christmas but don't make it worse. Deep breaths. Tell him what you want next year.

1. Hes still asleep at ten to one in the afternoon on Christmas Day?? WTAF
2. If you only give gifts in ordered to receive them, then crack on, but personally I could never see my child, whatever their age, go without presents on Christmas Day.

I think YABU but then in our family the kids get presents and the adults don’t, so that colours my view.

Just give him the gifts. He is an 18 year old autistic boy. Yes, it is maybe a bit disappointing but you are the adult here. Have a word with him later in the year but don’t be a big drama queen at christmas.

Stop being so mean, give your head a wobble and give your son his presents.

You say you thought u weren't doing gifts this year..
My ds 17 with asd has a part time job. Spent every penny on Xmas gifts for the family.
And he had 10 to buy for.

He is still in school. I wouldn't expect anyone not working to be buying Christmas presents, unless given money by their parents.

YABU. He’s been a numpty and your annoyance is understandable, but this is too harsh imo.

Give him a few small things and anything difficult to return and bring the rest back to the shop. Giving is usually reciprocal. He can reciprocate with homemade gifts or kind deeds, not only with money.

If he is your dependent child rather than an independent earning adult... You need to grow up.

wtf?! That’s your child!!

Autism and Adhd can both mean that he is several years behind in terms of understanding social cues and appreciating the give and take of relationships. Show him - model the behaviour you want to see and teach him how to be kind and thoughtful...

Be the bigger person and model what you want to see. Give him the presents and explain (later, perhaps) that being generous is something which is important to you.

He’s 18…why would you not buy him presents just because it’s not reciprocated? What a bizarre way of thinking!!

My DS is 19, he gave me a calendar today, it’s the first year he’s ever bought something for me and I haven’t ever been upset about it. I would never consider not getting him gifts just because I don’t get things in return!!

^this.

Get him out of bed. It's Christmas day so he needs to be sociable.

Give him the gifts but if he hasn't bought you anything at all then I'd let him know hiw sad that makes you feel. Even as a broke student I'd get my mum a second hand book, some nice moisturiser and a posh chocolate. Gifts don't have to be expensive as it's the effort that is important.

That's mean. He's a teenager still in school, give him his presents.

I never don’t buy presents at Christmas. No matter how skint we’ve been, he’s always has a stocking with presents to open.

It is his attitude and contempt that has upset me. To go from a few weeks ago speaking about making more effort to now saying that it is a waste of money. I don’t feel that I want to give him gifts when he so forcefully tells me it’s a waste of his money to buy anything at all for me and his Nan.

I think that if you have such an attitude towards buying/giving presents, that you can’t expect those people to give you anything.

He’s a child. Children are self-centred by nature (it’s a brain thing) AND he’s neurospicy?

The time to have had the conversation has passed and it sounds like you did. Move
on, give him Christmas presents and whilst he is using them read one of the books on your shelf you haven’t started yet.

*Edited to add: anyone who feels the need to pipe up “oooh, my son isn’t self centred, my kids are all disabled and spend all their waking moments rescuing kittens from trees and reading to war orphans”: fuck right off.

You sound astonishingly mean and grabby for gifts for yourself from your ds. He’s 18. You expect gifts from him? I think you need to grow up.

I never expect gifts from my children, I could never do this, let alone think it.

Head wobble 😀

But I sympathise. Adolescents are selfish, and that period when they are adult-sized but child-behaving is frustrating.

I’m struggling to believe this is real …

This. You are the parent.
Give your child their gifts.

I don’t care if my kids buy me a gift. 1 out of 3 has this year. Just give him the gifts

You think you should be as much a priority to your son as he is to you (apparently not) wow

You haven't even said how old he is.