Give my head a wobble or return DS’s gifts?

[NameChange2675]

DS18 has Autism & ADHD diagnosis. Generally a poor gift giver but this has been improving in recent years. Had a chat a few weeks ago and he voiced that he’s going to make more effort this Christmas.

He had £500 that he’d squirrelled away but since returning to school this year he’s somehow gone through it all. Nothing to show for it.

He has decided that as he has such a small amount left (about £100) he is not wasting his money on Christmas presents.

I am on a budget but set aside £100 which I have spent on some gifts that are to do with his special interests and that he will really like.

However, I’ve spent the last few days thinking that if he doesn’t want to waste his money on gifts, then why should I? I told him that he’s being incredibly selfish and that it makes me feel like I want to return his gifts - which it does.

I haven’t wrapped any of his gifts and plan to return them all.

Do I need to give my head a wobble?

With regard to what other gifts he’ll receive - the answer is very few. My mum couldn’t think what to get him and so has just bought some socks, which he’ll receive tomorrow. He’s still in bed/asleep right now and obviously has not had his stocking as usual.

If only more people had your wisdom and foresight.

Given what he said, it’s entirely reasonable that he’s taken the shine off of your gifts for him.
From my experience with adhd in the family, currently (35), it’s taken a fairly steady stream of reminders that not everything is about him.
He does not appreciate doing things for his children that put him out. Yes, taking them to their clubs is tedious but that’s what parents do. Everything he does is through a filter of how it benefits him. It’ll hard not to get frustrated with that.
But he is good hearted and is slowly learning to be a better human being. I would
never want to be married to him though and I do think his parents indulged him too much and consequently he did not learn any life skills

My son is in his 30's and rarely gifts me anything even at Xmas and my birthday...I suggest maybe just some flowers would be nice... but no.
I've felt angry in the past but I just let it go now....
Fortunately I have a lovely daughter who makes up for his let downs.

What a surprise- the son is shit but the daughter isn't. Who could have predicted? I bet you still buy for him don't you?

There’s no magic with that flicks when they’re 21 they tells them it’s time to think more about others now. Giving gifts is a skill you begin at 2 when they’re draw a nice picture for Mum, at 5 when you get them to pick something from the second hand shop, at 8 when you give them a fiver to buy something from the shop you bring them to, at 11 when they bake cookies on their own and at 13 when they put aside their pocket money or birthday money to buy something tiny with love. It’s a skill you build and you match it with expectations.

You are being unreasonable I'm afraid,

Which makes him...what...15? A 15 year old is still perfectly capable of present buying (I have a 14yo). For 99% of human history 15yos were basically adults. I have Irish great aunts and uncles who were working full-time by then and I'm only in my 40s. My grandfather emigrated to London from the arse end of rural Ireland at 18. His sister went to New York at the same age. We really desperately need to stop infantilising young men in particular. And the problem wirh 'but SEN' is that number of young people now diagnosed / self-diagnosed with SEN is utterly insane.

Give your head a wobble! I tell my teen/young adult kids not tp spend money on gifts for me. They are at the start of their adult lives, dong have much money and life is expensive! I value their time and company. Im a fully grown adult, i can buy stuff i want for myself. Yabu esp as he is only jusg an adult and autistic!

I think you are looking in the wrong direction for your needs.

Hes a teen, selfish and why not, at his age it is ok if all he is bothered about is himself surely!

There are worse teen behaviours out there

Honestly think your being a bit of a dick, I don’t care how much money my kids have, I do not expect a present from them.

imagine taking your kids gifts back because he hasn’t got you something.

I prefer not to get presents from anyone. This is never going to change. I do like when my DC cook for me. This is all I ask of them. I prefer practical help over unwanted gifts.

And that’s fine. Unusual, but fine if everyone is on the same page. In this example, the family do give presents, DS has given them in the past, knows he’ll get some and has still decided spending any of his £100 on his mum is a waste.
Im not sure how anyone is com8n* up with excuses for him, to be honest it’s dreadful behaviour. And it’s not his SEN because he’s given presents before, he dies understand how it works.

Worse than complete selfishness? It’s pretty bad and the cause of many of the serious things like law breaking.

She didn’t. She just felt like it and I get it.
Your kids not buying you presents (or choosing and having someone else pay if they are small) is pretty grim. It’s basic social behaviour. Why don’t you teach them about gift giving, respect and showing care through present choosing?
I don’t know a single family where kids don’t give presents to parents at Christmas and birthdays.

Be kind - its Christmas. ADHD is tough.

This - it's your son don't be so horrible, he can't help having a disability.

She did. And his disability isn’t the cause of the behaviour. They’ve given gifts before, he understands how it works. He just decided it was a waste of money.

He is still at school,not working.he has autism etc,why would you even think to take all his gifts back,you sound down right nasty,or there is something with you,your train of thought is not right.

Perhaps if you read the whole thread, or even the OP’s posts, you wouldn’t find the need to be so unpleasant.

My son is not sh1t thank you.... he just doesn't have the same ideas as me. He's very loving just not materialistically.

You sound very immature. He is 18yrs old and is autistic. It doesn't matter whether he buys you a present or not. You are his Mum. Give him a present.
Cannot believe what you have posted. Feel sorry for him.

Nothing materialistic in buying a thoughtful gift for someone you care about. I bet he’s not un-materialistic enough to turn down your gifts to him, is he? I’m sure he’s lovely in other ways, but not choosing a gift for your mother at Christmas (assuming no breakdown in relationship) is very poor behaviour.

Maybe if you had read the thread, or even the OP’s posts, you wouldn’t have needed to post this (or feel sorry for the young man who has been given his gifts). I feel sorry for the OP.

This is sweet! I also have an autistic teen who is one-way about gift giving. Happy to spend our money on her friends though.

I'll point her toward Waitrose with a tenner next year!

NRTFT. Fucking hell, parents of ND DC don't give equal gifts. This has to be written by hairy hands...