Give my head a wobble or return DS’s gifts?

[NameChange2675]

DS18 has Autism & ADHD diagnosis. Generally a poor gift giver but this has been improving in recent years. Had a chat a few weeks ago and he voiced that he’s going to make more effort this Christmas.

He had £500 that he’d squirrelled away but since returning to school this year he’s somehow gone through it all. Nothing to show for it.

He has decided that as he has such a small amount left (about £100) he is not wasting his money on Christmas presents.

I am on a budget but set aside £100 which I have spent on some gifts that are to do with his special interests and that he will really like.

However, I’ve spent the last few days thinking that if he doesn’t want to waste his money on gifts, then why should I? I told him that he’s being incredibly selfish and that it makes me feel like I want to return his gifts - which it does.

I haven’t wrapped any of his gifts and plan to return them all.

Do I need to give my head a wobble?

With regard to what other gifts he’ll receive - the answer is very few. My mum couldn’t think what to get him and so has just bought some socks, which he’ll receive tomorrow. He’s still in bed/asleep right now and obviously has not had his stocking as usual.

That’s really sad. Why not? Giving presents to people important to us is a big part of Christmas (and life).

My H is in this category. I can tell you he is light years, not "several years behind" understanding anything about give & take of relationships, gifts or life in general. He is 72.
I have spent nigh on 40 years trying to, & hoping to, educate, supposing things would be reciprocal. They simply are not & never will be.

Likely does. But (some) autistic people are intrinsically self motivated and don’t see the social obligation to please other people.

That needs working on for sure, but not on actual Christmas Day.

MN is really funny. MN at Christmas is full of complaints about useless adult males who don't make an effort, but if you suggest that an adult male son (he IS 18) could at least a) get out of bed b) get you something, you're a mean mother and he's just a child etc etc. If he wants to develop and maintain healthy relationships with others, he needs to learn the basics, and gift giving at Christmas IS pretty basic. Personally given the SEN I would give him his presents, but would also explain gently but bluntly that he DOES need to make an effort. Remind him again next year. Its not necessarily about you...its about helping him develop basic social skills.

Also the number of people saying an 18yo male is 'just a kid' is wild, ASD or not. Then we're all amazed that society is over-run with man-children????

How then do they learn the joy of giving to others, of generosity and appreciation? My two are 13 and 14 and set aside part of their allowance for gifts for each other and their dad and I. My DD was so excited for me to open my present because “I chose something really special because you work so hard for us”. I was deeply touched and she did indeed buy something lovely.

Gift giving has lots of meaning, as you can see on all the various threads on here bemoaning gifts given, not given etc. I think it’s important children learn it’s joyful to give and to receive. Otherwise you’ll have a swathe of adults neglecting their partners and children on important occasions.

YES! It's unreal!

I’m 36, and I’d have to have committed a seriously horrendous crime before my mum didn’t get me Christmas presents.

This!!
YABVVU to consider not giving your son presents.

I buy for my adult DC but I refuse to accept gifts from them unless small token gifts. All I ask for is their company on occasion. They are not our romantic partners so this way of thinking is weird for me, kids don’t owe you anything at all, in all honesty and I likely have significantly more money them so why would I expect them to spend £ on me when they don’t have much? I wouldn’t feel right taking their money. If you son has £100 to his name I am sure you have a lot more? He’s being sensible I wouldn’t be offended

Give him a few small gifts and then let him jog on. He’s an adult.

You are the parent. Whether he’s 18 or 28 your resentment is extremely unhealthy. He might not be “a child” but he’s still your child.

I've read your posts and a few from other posters. My son is 20, has SEN. But has been in a FT job for a few months. We are a tiny family, on all sides. We recently ie just before Xmas, lost his uncle, so our mum, his granny, is bereft. I had told him weeks ago what toiletries she liked from M&S - even sent a photo. He texted me yesterday to ask if certain things were OK. No not all. I was disappointed that he wasnt bothered for weeks. He is the only grandson. So his granny will give him enough cash to basically pay his car insurance. I have asked for a small kitchen tool. £5-10 - hope he gets that. He gets a stocking from me and cash. So I get totally your annoyance AND the desire to be supportive as they mature. They need to be independent, free thinking, but also not squander all their cash on trivia. Tough balance.

Not much about gender, U18s are literally legally children so 18 year old boys and girls are kids also imo.

Good god OP he's your child and has SEN, of course you buy him presents for Christmas. Having autism means he might be a few years behind his peers in emotional maturity, give him a break.

I have a 19 year old with ASD and have no expectation of presents, he is lucky enough to be doing a pretty well paid apprenticeship and so as a result I do have a present this year, but I would not expect it at all otherwise. It's the first year of getting a present.

He's had a new phone, lego, books, games, a computer game, a puzzle, DVDs, chocolates, small bits of clothing....

Seriously??? I was buying gifts for my parents from a fairly young age, nothing much obviously but even then I knew that it's not all take, take, take. The idea that at 18 I shouldn't have been buying Christmas gifts is unthinkable.

What a way to bring up selfish kids!

Do you actually know anything about autism? He may be three years behind his peers in emotional maturity due to being autistic.

Really you shouldn't comment on things you don't have a clue about it just make you look ignorant and ableist.

Jesus poor kid.

Your opinion is ridiculous. 18 year olds are adults. Young adults, but adults.

We have an audhd 9 year old who delights in choosing and giving thoughtful gifts. Obviously she doesn't pay for them herself yet but she gets it. This young man understands the social convention of gift giving and is happy to benefit but doesn't think his mum is worth spending his money on. That's selfishness, not autism. Plenty of NT men have exactly that attitude and a lot older than 18.

i think your opinion seems to propose that a birthday happens and a magic switch flicks making developing brains responsible and they should be treated differently. I find that a bit suspicious.

Wouldn’t the world be boring if we all felt the same about everything. Happy Christmas!

So where were you getting the money from at a fairly young age? It's easy to buy presents if someone is giving you money.

Even if you had a job from 12 years old 🙄do you know how hard it is to get a job when you're autistic - I'll give you a clue, around 70% of autistic adults are not in any work and only around 15% are in full time work.

Around 77% want to work but many can't because they just can't successfully compete in the application and interview process. People don't hire people with poor eye contact who struggle with social skills and often suffer with anxiety.

No, that's why you set up the expectation that children choose and give gifts too from a young age! When my DS was around 5 we would go to a charity shop and he would spend around £1 on each family member. When he was old enough to think about what they would really like he would do chores to 'earn' a gift and when he had enough I'd take him to Wilkos or Poundland and he would spend his 'earnings' on gifts. Ever since he had the capacity to earn money he's spent some of it on Christmas gifts. When he had a girlfriend he bought her a gift without being prompted. It's a skill you teach well before adulthood, like most.

I'm glad that you've reconsidered OP, but it's worrying that you don't seem to have an understanding of the impact of ADHD or autism on the development of a teenager.

He may well be behaving pretty unpleasantly over this, but you've shown no awareness or interest in why.

Dr Russell Barkley's work could be helpful to you: