Give my head a wobble or return DS’s gifts?

[NameChange2675]

DS18 has Autism & ADHD diagnosis. Generally a poor gift giver but this has been improving in recent years. Had a chat a few weeks ago and he voiced that he’s going to make more effort this Christmas.

He had £500 that he’d squirrelled away but since returning to school this year he’s somehow gone through it all. Nothing to show for it.

He has decided that as he has such a small amount left (about £100) he is not wasting his money on Christmas presents.

I am on a budget but set aside £100 which I have spent on some gifts that are to do with his special interests and that he will really like.

However, I’ve spent the last few days thinking that if he doesn’t want to waste his money on gifts, then why should I? I told him that he’s being incredibly selfish and that it makes me feel like I want to return his gifts - which it does.

I haven’t wrapped any of his gifts and plan to return them all.

Do I need to give my head a wobble?

With regard to what other gifts he’ll receive - the answer is very few. My mum couldn’t think what to get him and so has just bought some socks, which he’ll receive tomorrow. He’s still in bed/asleep right now and obviously has not had his stocking as usual.

Drop the presents at xmas op. Life will be more relaxed.

Well good for you.

I have always taken DS to buy presents for family. The last couple of years with his own money. It is only this year that he has decided that it is a waste of his funds with a horrible attitude to boot.

I accept that I need to wobble my head, so I’m going to take the dog for a walk and see if that helps to shake off this feelings of meanness.

I do understand how you feel OP, and unlike other posters realise that it's actually not about you being 'grabby', or expecting a gift back, it's more the principal that has upset you. You obviously show him love all year round, and for him to tell you initially that he was planning on doing better this year, only to turn around and basically tell you that you're worth less than the shit that he's wasted £400 on with nothing to show for it, is like a major kick in the teeth. After all, we all want to feel loved, and even if he feels that he doesn't want to spend the money he has left, he could have done something like given you a voucher offering a FREE car wash, or house cleaning, or anything that won't actually cost him money.

I would suggest that you give him one gift, and then if the other items you've bought will keep, put them away until his behaviour improves. If not, take them back, but tell him when you give him the gift, that it is given because it's your way of showing you love him, and that is what gift giving is actually about, it's not how much you spend, but a way of demonstrating that you love and care about someone.

Oh, and please don't let the people who have been nasty on here, spoil the rest of your Christmas Day, people can be really critical of others without thinking about what's REALLY going on behind the scenes.

I would get him gifts but tell him that he should be offering small, thoughtful gifts that aren't expensive.

And don't spend too much on him if you're tight on money either OP.

I’d wrap one gift and give him that. Either take the rest back to the shop or put them away for his birthday.

Make it clear that whilst you don’t give to receive, you do expect him to be thoughtful and considerate at Christmas. He likes getting presents and so do you - tell him exactly that. He’s 18, he’s going through his selfish phase which is normal (and why I’m suggesting still giving him one present) but he won’t come out of the selfish phase unless you tell him off.

You only have to look at the numerous threads today from women with selfish husbands, you don’t want him to become one of them.

Sorry OP sounds like you have a similar attitude if you are buying a present to expect a present. Leave the present lectures until later on in the year and explain to him how it is important to give presents too. Please drop it for today

My DD16 (also ASD) told me she didn’t have any money left for gifts although she did get me a card. I told her that having her home with me was the only gift I needed.

See I dont agree with that either. They need to learn to be thoughtful too. And by thoughtful I mean not expensive but a small gesture.

It's literally the first thing in the OP.

That sounds like quite black, and white thinking that you are displaying, imo. The presents are already there. I would say that they should be given to him, in the spirit that you intended in the first place.

I’d be more annoyed about him still being in bed tbh. Give presents and show him how generosity works.

Don’t be mean op.

He is 18 years old. At some point he has to learn that if you treat people around you badly, they will reciprocate that. Its an important life lesson. If 18 is too young to learn this, when on earth will he? Most people learn this by about age 10 - yes he may learn it late due his ND but it is kinder in the long run if he does learn this now.

I would just give one small token gift and explain gently to him that you are reflecting his own behaviour.

OP, I can understand your disappointment, but your DS has the attitude he does because he’s ND. As a mother, I love my DC, and while I might be disappointed if they didn’t give me anything, it’s more important to me that they should be happy.Give your DS his presents, then tell him that you hope he will manage to buy you (insert small specific present here) before the New Year. (ND is sometimes not that different from many a husband on these pages….)

The card was a small gesture.

Many autistic people will learn better from a black and white approach to this than expecting him to learn from empathy or modelling generosity. He may need this to help him recognise christmas as an exchange of gifts rather than a child like interpretation where he simply receives a lot of stuff.

YABU, he’s your child not your husband, and yes he’s 18 but he’s also neurodiverse. Give your head a wobble, have a glass of wine and get over it. Spending £400 between September and December isn’t a crazy amount anyway, it’s his money to waste.

My eldest is 19 and is not neurodivergent. I've never expected him to buy us presents, but he's still my child and still buy for him like we do with his little brother who is 12. For the first time this year he bought us each a present. Me, his dad and his brother and they were very thoughtful gifts. Very unexpected so we were over the moon. But, again we don't buy for him to expect anything in return. So I would say, give your head a wobble. He's a teenager and on top of that has autism and ADHD.

It’s in the OP “DS18”

@Aposterhasnoname I never got out of bed before tea time Christmas Day in my late teens, sometimes I was only getting home when everyone else was getting up. Same with my siblings.

OP you’re sounding very childish, yes hes a dick for his comments but to return presents is petty especially when he’s a teenager in full time education. Id be using the disappointment speech with him but would return the presents.

Genuinely wondering if people have misread 18 as 8 here? He’s not a small child! I bought small Christmas gifts for my family from the point that I had pocket money, so probably around 10. Or made them something failing money.

If you’re not learning about social contracts and how people you care for should be treated at 18, even with his neuro-diversity, then when will you?

If he had no money at all then a different story perhaps (but he could still make something, or offer to do the dishes for a week or run OP a nice bath) but it’s the fact that he HAS got £100 and has still decided that OP isn’t worth a fiver of it for a box of chocolates.

But they spent all their money and didnt have anything left to give. Not really the art of learning to give a gift.

Dont get me wrong I absolutely love cards and especially home made ones but buying gifts is a teaching a life skill. Doesn't have to be expensive but its a social skill.

Sorry but I think you are being incredibly childish. He is still a teenager, he has additional needs and you are a bloody grown up. May I suggest you start acting like one.

This! Show him how to be the adult you want him to grow into eventually. He’s still growing and learning, at his own pace.
Dont model petty reactive behaviour unless you want him to do the same back.

I agree but I dont think today is the day to make a point about it

This 100%