Give my head a wobble or return DS’s gifts?

[NameChange2675]

DS18 has Autism & ADHD diagnosis. Generally a poor gift giver but this has been improving in recent years. Had a chat a few weeks ago and he voiced that he’s going to make more effort this Christmas.

He had £500 that he’d squirrelled away but since returning to school this year he’s somehow gone through it all. Nothing to show for it.

He has decided that as he has such a small amount left (about £100) he is not wasting his money on Christmas presents.

I am on a budget but set aside £100 which I have spent on some gifts that are to do with his special interests and that he will really like.

However, I’ve spent the last few days thinking that if he doesn’t want to waste his money on gifts, then why should I? I told him that he’s being incredibly selfish and that it makes me feel like I want to return his gifts - which it does.

I haven’t wrapped any of his gifts and plan to return them all.

Do I need to give my head a wobble?

With regard to what other gifts he’ll receive - the answer is very few. My mum couldn’t think what to get him and so has just bought some socks, which he’ll receive tomorrow. He’s still in bed/asleep right now and obviously has not had his stocking as usual.

It's not a competition.. ive 3 grandsons age 20 18 and 17 with ASD.. ive bought them all presents.. gifted money.. l don't expect anything from them.. a hug will do me.. we have such love for each other..
You are being cruel to even think this.
Grow up.

I honestly woke up this morning to presents only from my oldest daughter. Am I bothered, not at all. My 18 year old is taking me book shopping in the new year, my 23 year old only buys if he is getting something too, and my 20 year old daughter is living 5 hours away. I could sit here sobbing, but I appreciate far more, spending the day with 3 of my kids. I will speak to my 20 year old later on

Totally agree with this. He clearly has bought gifts in the past, but has unilaterally decided that he won’t do so this year, seeing it as a waste of his money.

Not sure I’d return his gifts, but I can see why the OP is considering it. I’d probably give them anyway, but have a serious chat in the new year, and think about going gift-free for future Christmases.

Amazed at the low expectations people have of a man of 18. Disappointing really. We should be expecting more of young adults.

I'd give him a couple of presents, I think not giving any would be mean.

I also think that there's no need to go all out. If he thinks present giving is a waste of time, he likely won't mind.

I agree with this.

Children never giving their mum a gift by the time they reach their teens, and it's fine?

It's rude at best.

Why ask for opinions if you’re just going to give attitude to people with differing ones to yours?

I think you are being unreasonable and precious.
Hes a teen. They aren’t known for being massively thoughtful.
I’m nothing like I used to be at 18, because I have grown and gained experience and knowledge and alongside that, deeper compassion.

If you only give to receive, then you are being just as petty and thoughtless as he is.

My god I can’t imagine being this mean to my child. It’s disappointing yes, but you’re the adult and he is just 18

I had a bath, gave my head a wobble and gave the gifts.

Thank you for all of your messages and the much needed reality check.

I agree with you and you aren't being grabby. Its about him showing an iota of concern, respect or care for you and his Nan and not treating you like shit in his shoe .
I would give him nothing. He is not a young child. He had funds. He has chosen to be selfish and mean. Chosen.
I believe you should be treated in life the way you treat other people.
If this is his wider attitude he is going to be very lonely and disliked in life. You would be doing him a favour to pull him up.
If he thinks gifts are a waste of money, thats his prerogative. But it works both ways.

I know. It seems like on Mn that young adults can do what they like. On this thread he’s a dependent child and shouldn’t be expected to buy presents, on another an 18yr old has opted out of Christmas and is going out - won’t say who with or how she’s getting back, and posters are saying ‘she’s an adult, she can do what she wants’. I know it’s different posters, but it’s largely unanimous on t(e threads. Which is it? Child or adult?

He's still a child at 18, with ASD and in school. Give him the gifts and have a chat in the coming days about Xmas expectations

😂

DS18 has Autism & ADHD diagnosis.

First six words of the post.

I doubt that she has 17 other children, somehow.

It’s disappointing yes, but you’re the adult and he is just 18

18 is an adult! Its absolutely not a child, its a man.

Blimey

Me too.

Has a definite whiff of the usual “let’s pile on the autistic kids” goady posts.

think you’ve over egged this one though OP.

I disagree with the others, he is an 18 year old man, not a child. If he’s not goingto buy you a bottle of wine or box of chocolates then why gift him £100 worth of presents?! It will serve as a valuable lesson for him, if he wants presents then he needs to reciprocate as an adult. Otherwise you’re going to make him a selfish boyfriend for someone!

Every year I tell my children thst Christmas presents are for the children. I would be horrified if they started buying me gifts specifically for Christmas. I can buy my own stuff. I’d rather have their good moods and help out with food prep, putting dishes away etc.

Oh please. He is 18 and just barely an adult. Suddenly he is This big grown man, with all the maturity of a 25yo. So what is op going to achieve by returning the gifts? Imagine a mum taking on this level of pettiness against her child.

So you think OP shouldn’t have given the gifts then as he’s not a child?

’Horrified’ is pretty dramatic.

I've a colleague who was going through a very difficult divorce and she did this to her children even though the youngest was only 12.It was an upsetting story to hear because they were in disbelief and actually searched the house for presents.They didn't forgive her and she found it impossible to make amends.

OP my Ds, 21, is in the shower having just got up. I have got him quite a few gifts. AFAIK he got me one, which he gave to a friend of his on Sat by mistake - he also has ADHD. His friend will return it next week, so I'll have it then. It's OK x

Be kind to yourself OP. Life and people can be tough at times. I hope you have a lovely day 🎅🏻🎄

I don’t understand this view. Christmas presents are for everyone. Children with no income are helped/provided with the money but they absolutely should be thinking, choosing and giving.
Edit: here helping with cooking/clearing up is a bare minimum expectation, not a gift…

Christmas is hard for autistic people. It’s extremely overwhelming.
my own autistic son has been asleep on and off all day. He’s happy, and chilled, and I see absolutely zero issue or problem with it,