Give my head a wobble or return DS’s gifts?

[NameChange2675]

DS18 has Autism & ADHD diagnosis. Generally a poor gift giver but this has been improving in recent years. Had a chat a few weeks ago and he voiced that he’s going to make more effort this Christmas.

He had £500 that he’d squirrelled away but since returning to school this year he’s somehow gone through it all. Nothing to show for it.

He has decided that as he has such a small amount left (about £100) he is not wasting his money on Christmas presents.

I am on a budget but set aside £100 which I have spent on some gifts that are to do with his special interests and that he will really like.

However, I’ve spent the last few days thinking that if he doesn’t want to waste his money on gifts, then why should I? I told him that he’s being incredibly selfish and that it makes me feel like I want to return his gifts - which it does.

I haven’t wrapped any of his gifts and plan to return them all.

Do I need to give my head a wobble?

With regard to what other gifts he’ll receive - the answer is very few. My mum couldn’t think what to get him and so has just bought some socks, which he’ll receive tomorrow. He’s still in bed/asleep right now and obviously has not had his stocking as usual.

Did they also have £100 budget for Christmas but decide it was a waste to buy presents? And you’ve already said they were young children, not young adults.

Jesus what am I reading.

Our 9y/o doesn’t even know what Christmas is, but he still had a stocking and gifts this morning.

Give your kid his bloody presents.

How does he get money ?
and what does he have to buy/pay for if he has gone through £400 since Sept.

I expect he will be leaving school in July ?

What then ? will he earn money ?

That's when you tell him that there is a choice / decision to make, if as an adult at 19 next year - does he wish to give and receive presents or does he want it to stop altogether.

To be clear - I think @NameChange2675 has made the right decision in giving the presents, I’m just shocked at the excuses made for this young man who knows very well he should buy presents but has decided it’s ’a waste’.

Totally agree with you. From long before I had my own pocket money I was taken out and asked to choose something for Mum / Dad / Grandma / Grandad or sat down to make something for the same. My friend took her 2 year old to ‘choose something for Daddy’ recently. He’s getting a pack of sausages, but in fairness he does like sausages, the thought process was there.

Give your head a wobble! He’s 18 - I don’t expect much from my kids, one’s at uni one’s at a minimum wage job. I spent about five times on them than the £20 or so they spent on me! It would have been nice for him to have bought you something, but you don’t have to be tit for tat about it!

You made him buy presents with his own money when he was under the age of 18? Seriously?

That behaviour from your child is hurtful. But is 18 and has autism and adhd. Even without that many 18 year old are still fairly immature and selfish. It's not personal.

It's up to you to model positive behaviour. Returning the gifts will just reinforce his feelings.

He must feeling pretty broke going from £500 to £100 too.

It’s upsetting to feel unappreciated. Tell
him that. He doesn’t need to spend any money on gifts, he could pledge to do something nice for you instead. But he does need to show that he appreciates all you do for him. Try not to be whiny about it, just tell him calmly how you feel.

I can’t imagine expecting gifts from my children.

I can’t imagine being so petty to tell them if they aren’t getting me anything I’m returning their gifts.

I haven’t bought a single gift at any point in my life with the expectation that I’m getting something in return.

You shouldn't expect anything back whilst hes still so young- glad that head was given a wobble!!

Bloody hell. I think you’re confusing DS with a life partner.

Just because he’s 18, it doesn’t stop him being your little boy and you’re still his mum!

Expecting an 18yr old to not fritter away £500 when he’s young and not used to having much money is somewhat unrealistic.

NT lads don’t really mature until their mid to late 20’s so I wouldn’t expect him to start managing money well or thinking of others until he’s much older. 🤔

Yes, he was being selfish but being autistic he may not understand that. This is not the way to teach him. Two wrongs don't make a right. Let him have his presents but have a proper chat about what you expect from him next year. We have taken a large pay cut and while we did buy presents they were a lot smaller/cheaper than least year.

Sympathy and solidarity coming your way. Autistic DC1 does this 100%; saves money and decides that they don't want to spend it. Really surprised me this year by downloading a well known online shopping app known for cheap-cheap tat (hitherto forbidden in our house) and ordering gifts for the family independently. Mind blown.

In preparation for next year, would it be an idea to make clear your reasonable expectation very much in advance, perhaps state what you think is a reasonable budget and give DS a wish list with instructions of where he can get each gift? My DC1 would normally need this level of support in order to be successful.

Merry Christmas, OP and OP's DS.

What am I reading? I would never

1. expect my teen child to buy me a gift
2. TELL my teen child I expect a gift from them
3. Not give my child gifts because they’re not giving me anthing

🤯

As a parent, your job is to be an example of the kind of adult you'd like him to become...refusing to give gifts without a guarantee of getting some, is the behaviour of a small child, not a loving parent.

My son is almost 17 and has asd. He finds it really difficult to choose anything for me for Christmas as he struggles to make a decision, so I buy myself something and he wraps it. He's happy giving it, knowing he hasn't had to struggle to get anything and I always say thank you. You just have to think differently about presents with a neurodiverse teen and not put pressure on them. This works for us, in an ideal world I'd get a surprise, but I know that's not possible.

Don’t take it out on people who you’ve asked for opinions from OP. That poster said nothing wrong.

If the message you’re trying to convey is that gift giving is entirely transactional, then yes, return.

wow...you're the parent im glad im not...very superficial....give your son his gifts...your gift should be in the joy of giving and not what you expect in return.

Maybe it might have been better to not post that? It's not as if anyone, even with the same diagnosis as someone else, will react in the same way to any given situation. We are all individuals - thank goodness - and I believe that comparing someone to someone else, is not a healthy response.
But Happy Christmas anyway.

A lot of people on here very keen to point out how very much more saintly they are than the OP. It's clearly his attitude that is the problem, rather than the gift itself! I hope the day is improving for you OP!

You clearly don’t know much about ASD/ADHD brains. It’s pretty common for teens with these conditions to have very disordered sleep. Trying to change it is like herding cats.

Disclaimer: I know they aren’t ALL like this before anyone says their teen with ASD/ADHD is up at 7 o’clock every morning.

Edited to add I completely agree with your second point though😅

I’m surprised at so many people saying they don’t expect any gifts from their teenagers. I don’t think you’re doing them any favours by not teaching them to be thoughtful and that they’re not just recipients of gifts.

Hope you had an enjoyable bath, wobbled yer ead a bit and feel good enough to carry forth. Your post made me laugh - parenting autistic DC through to adulthood can be a laugh in many respects.

Today I received the grand zero in terms of gifts but then I now know for sure that if I wan't to receive a 'gift' then I should mention it. And etc, but in the great scheme of things, I'm a very proud mother. Small scheme he's open to trying a roast potato - big scheme, he's home from Uni.