Give my head a wobble or return DS’s gifts?

[NameChange2675]

DS18 has Autism & ADHD diagnosis. Generally a poor gift giver but this has been improving in recent years. Had a chat a few weeks ago and he voiced that he’s going to make more effort this Christmas.

He had £500 that he’d squirrelled away but since returning to school this year he’s somehow gone through it all. Nothing to show for it.

He has decided that as he has such a small amount left (about £100) he is not wasting his money on Christmas presents.

I am on a budget but set aside £100 which I have spent on some gifts that are to do with his special interests and that he will really like.

However, I’ve spent the last few days thinking that if he doesn’t want to waste his money on gifts, then why should I? I told him that he’s being incredibly selfish and that it makes me feel like I want to return his gifts - which it does.

I haven’t wrapped any of his gifts and plan to return them all.

Do I need to give my head a wobble?

With regard to what other gifts he’ll receive - the answer is very few. My mum couldn’t think what to get him and so has just bought some socks, which he’ll receive tomorrow. He’s still in bed/asleep right now and obviously has not had his stocking as usual.

It is only this year that he has decided that it is a waste of his funds

What I suggest is that you have a chat with him about how presents should work in future now he is 18 - would he prefer to not give and also not receive? Maybe he genuinely doesn’t care about presents and would happily receive nothing in return for buying nothing. That’s a valid choice and many people are now moving to this.

But don’t return stuff you’ve already bought for this year, that just seems petty.

I’m very sorry OP, that’s a very sad start to Christmas. I strongly disagree with many posters but I find that MN firmly believes that children and emerging adults are not responsible for the feelings of adults regardless of of the behaviour being intentional and them being aware of the hurt they’re causing.

i can certainly understand why you’re hurt. It has nothing to do with being selfish or grabby. A present demonstrates thoughtfulness and shows that the giver knows the recipient well, loves them and cares about the feelings. It’s not about the value of the gift but Esther about the thought and effort they went in. It’s an opportunity to show that the person cares about the recipient and recognises all they do. Having your son decide that all the love, care and work you put in for him isn’t worth a gift is horrible. He spent 400 and has actively told you that he’s rather spend the money on himself rather than appreciate you. Ther would be hurtful.

I wouldn’t return his gifts. I think that will only make the day worse for everyone. I would sit him down and explain how hurt you are and why we expect people to give and receive presents. This isn’t expected od young children so he may not have understood the deep remaining behind gifts and the changing expectations as he’s aged. Then I would be vey clear about how hurt you are and challenge him on how he would feel in the same circumstances (if he’s able to take a theory of mind approach). I would be honest ther you didn’t want to give him his gifts because you’re very hurt and if you’re not worth spending money on then why should you feel differently. If he’s upset or horrified then I would help him see how he could do it differently in the futur. He could save money every week, put aside pocket money or make some free alternative gifts that he genuinely think you might loke. I’d be doesn’t read for doesn’t care then this is something to be works on. Start explaining you do for him and asking for a ‘gesture of appreciation’ in return more often. This sounds crazy but I’m thinking of something like setting the table when you cook diner so he understands that the cook doesn’t have to do everything just because they’re the adult.

younf people should be fixing gifts as soon as they have pocket money or present money. It’s learning to prioritise others and show appreciation. Our standards of young adults are often quite low.

I have mixed feelings about this. Personally, I bought 21 and 23 year old autistic DS's about twelve presents each (not actually sure of the monetary value) and they didn't buy me anything. I was more stressed because youngest would have liked Lego and I didn't get him any!

However, I'm autistic too and I'm not exactly mentally healthy. I'm over-responsible for their feelings and I feel guilty about everything. Their dad is the opposite and bought them (I kid you not) a small tin of biscuits each from Moonpig!

I'd say it's best to give generously and buy yourself lots of presents too. Then forget about it and eat chocolate.

I can relate to just about everything in this post😅

Your the parent.

Give your head a wobble

Jesus, he’s just a kid. A kid with Autism! Just give him the presents.

Hahaha I am a div! And I hate it when other people can't read haha

It's too late for this year, but next year you can ask him if he'd like to "do presents" - which means giving as well as getting - or forgo presents, and neither give nor get any.

He's just a kid! My DS is 25 and no autism and I haven't had a present from him since he was 12. They're just presents, fgs.

And this is why so many men grow up as shite gift givers. Crap parenting.

And this is why so many men grow up as shite gift givers. Crap parenting.

And this is why so many men grow up as shite gift givers. Crap parenting.

Just the men? The poster didn’t specify that their children were male.

Edited to say scrub that. Just read the post again. Still don’t agree though.

I'm pretty sure this 18 year old young man knows what Christmas is.

Yep, it's mostly men. Girls grow up with a culture of gift giving with friends and are definitely socialised to think of others more than boys. Why do you think so many posters come on mumsnet moaning about their male partners buying shit gifts or no gifts at all - because they were never taught to consider others. This is where it starts.

Of course! Why not? Teens get money for nothing a lot of the time or for chores and if they have a job then why shouldn't they budget a small amount for showing appreciation to others? In monetary value they are very much up at Christmas! My DS spent about £45 and received £200 in cash alone let alone the gifts. It's no hardship to save and sacrifice some of their own money to learn how to happily participate in gift giving.

He's 18!! This is such a ridiculous attitude. When is he supposed to learn?

Why not??

Ridiculous that you allow this to go on. Aren't you embarrassed of what you raised?

Another couple of years and I’m sure his girlfriend will be on MN bemoaning how thoughtless and useless he is at gifts. Well done!

Kids can be selfish. And it's usually mothers who bear the brunt of their entitlement. But the world keeps turning and you just have hope they grow out of it.

I wouldn't withhold his presents.

Why not? He has enough money.

You've done the right thing OP. I imagine it must be hurtful though.

He's 18 and at school?

My 18 year old hasn't bought anyone presents. She's done a load of wrapping up for me, but she's still at home . I wouldn't really expect her to buy her own

Shockingly, not all autistic children are the same and have the same abilities, and I am sad to see that some parents of SEN kids are not aware of this.