Husband decided he’s not coming to my family’s for Christmas just because he wants a day to himself at home.

[Puggymummy19]

Aibu to make him come?!
he says he can’t be bothered with the chaos, kids and just wants to be alone at home.
he’s not depressed or anything like this just being anti social.
would you care?
to add we only live round the corner, I said please just come for the dinner at least but won’t even do that

Yes it’s very insulting

and letting the side down

You have kids... So yeah, I'd not let that slide. He doesn't get to just opt out

I can sort of understand about suddenly not being able to face the noise and chaos, but surely he could compromise and at least go for the dinner? Then develop a headache or something. Not going at all seems rude.

I agree.

You don’t get to live like a single person with no responsibility when you are in a partnership with a child

pick one of the other 364 days!

Well if that's his choice you can't force him.
I'd think he was a miserable shit to not even show his face for dinner, but I'd equally not want him there with a face like a slapped arse at being made to join in so 🤷‍♀️
Go, enjoy your family day and leave him to do this own thing. Don't feel guilty about it.

My eldest was an only for most of his early childhood and we always had Christmas at home and he still talks fondly of those Christmases, surely your daughter can see her cousins etc at other times throughout the holiday Christmases don't need to be noisy and hectic, I can see why your husband fancies a day at home,. But he is being unreasonable to drop this on you the day before so I would insist he came for at least the meal, as he would already have been factored into the catering.

Not when you have a child with partner

he’s not single

He’s selfish. I don’t care what other PP’s say, I grew up with a parental figure (quite a complicated situation) who did this and it was a total narcissistic move. It’s one bloody day. For the sake of this child and his wife he should be able to suck it up for one day for the sake of everyone’s happiness.

Well you can't make him go but you can make sure that he knows you're extremely pissed off and won't be making the effort to see his family from now on!

I'm glad I was a single parent and could make my own decisions.

I'm so sorry and I really, really don't want to be that person, but is it just possible he's sneaking around on you? I hate when people automatically jump to that conclusion, but I'm afraid that I've been here long enough to be suspicious when someone's husband pulls a seemingly out-of-character stunt like this. What set off my alarm bells was you saying he is normally extroverted and cheerful. I wouldn't be suspicious otherwise.

Yes, it very much is. He’s a father, a shit one by the sounds of it, and it’s Christmas fucking day. He needs to put his big boy pants on and spend it with his kid. I’d love to say ‘fuck Christmas, and spend it having a ‘me day’ but I don’t because I’m a fucking mother and the kids would be devastated.

I don’t get posts like this. If my DH got this hysterical about Xmas day and wanted to separate over it I wouldn’t care, quite frankly. But I would wonder how the conversation would go with our kids “dad why you split up our family, we had to go back and forth between houses, you lost half your assets and had to start again at 40, you have to work until at least 75 to make up for it?”

“Well, that selfish arse wanted a day for herself at Xmas”

Will he fancy a day to himself on his daughter's 18th? On OP's 60th? You just don't bail out out of special occasions at short notice.

My Dad was like this all through my childhood, OP. He stopped attending Christmas dinners with my grandparents because he 'didn't like Xmas food', didn't like Christmas TV or the faff and whatever and would rather be alone. That began a pattern... one year of not attending became 5, and then he just didnt come again and wasn't missed.

If a man who has family and responsibilities still prefers to rot in a room like an overgrown teenager on Christmas Day whilst everyone else does the grown-up stuff, well...let him get on with it, but it tells you a lot. I wouldn't tolerate it in a million years.

If that's the case, I would be quite worried.
Why doesn't he want to spend Christmas Day with you and his child?? Very strange behaviour.

Well it depends

do you often spend time with your family? Given they are close perhaps yes- so Christmas isn’t a special day in that respect , just more of the same

has he had much downtime this year? does he need some quiet

have you listened to what he wants for Christmas? Did you make the arrangements despite him? Do you always see your parents on Christmas Day ?

I can sort of see his point but he should have said something much, much sooner so you could maybe do a compromise, such as Christmas morning just the three of you then going to relatives later.

As it is, he's being a twat.

Who said he does not? Maybe he wants to spend Christmas in his own house, with just his partner, and child, the selfish man child!🙄

You said they live really close by, (around the corner,) so there's no reason on earth to spend all day there. I can't blame your DH for not coming. I wouldn't want to spend Christmas day with someone else's family all of Christmas day either.

No reason why you can't just go for an hour or so. Not when they live 'around the corner.' As I said, why are YOU not spending Christmas day with him?

If you want to stay all day, at your relatives house, then crack on. Don't expect your husband to stay all day too though.

YABVU. #teamhusband

How would you feel if he was expecting YOU to spend all of Christmas day with HIS family? Why does it have to be YOUR family? And why on earth does it need to be all day when they live around the corner?

Are you the type of family who are all in and out of each others pockets all the time/can't live more than 10 minutes walk from each other? I would find that exasperating, and can well understand your DH not wanting to spend his Christmas day with your family/his in-laws. I imagine they are in his life most days of the year!

I think he’s selfish and I’d be fuming. So many other days of the year to have a day to yourself.

Was he good in other ways? I actually think that in itself, not liking Christmas is not a red flag. My father was a bit like that and he was the best father ever, but my mother and I always spent Christmas with her relatives while he had the house to himself. It was perfectly fine and we all enjoyed Christmas. What concerns me about the OP is that she says that this is unusual for her husband.

I would be the same and would offer to have the dinner at home and go over there for dessert later on that night for an hour or two. I wouldn’t like noisy chaos all day either.

His behaviour is not that of a committed loving family man. Sounds like he has checked out of the relationship and wants nothing to do with your family anymore . He’s distancing himself already.