Husband decided he’s not coming to my family’s for Christmas just because he wants a day to himself at home.

[Puggymummy19]

Aibu to make him come?!
he says he can’t be bothered with the chaos, kids and just wants to be alone at home.
he’s not depressed or anything like this just being anti social.
would you care?
to add we only live round the corner, I said please just come for the dinner at least but won’t even do that

He said he wants to spend it alone, which I'd assume means on his own, without his wife and kids while they are out. So yes, quite a miserable bastard I'd say.

If you want a village you need to be a villager.

If you can’t show up for one day for your family then why should anyone show up for you?

What a boring old arsehole. He clearly doesn't give a shit about family life. Sorry OP, that's a real shame.

Any chance he wants to spend the day with an affair partner or at least on the phone all day?

How about telling him great he can stay at home and you will drop the kids off later when they are full of sugar and then go back to your parents for your quiet half of the day!

His child will miss him and his wife wants him there

he’s not single ffs

op hasn’t said anything about any pecking - if that was the case don’t agree and be an adult and discuss

I hated going to my ils at Christmas. Dhs nieces and nephews were always so loud and full on, his family are shouters and it just wasn't my scene. I'm a quiet, calm kind of person. I gave it a go for a few years but after that we did Xmas day at home. Turns out dh didn't much like the chaos of his parents either. I would hate if I was forced to go every year it's your husband's Christmas too, he obviously really doesn't want to go. If spending the day together is so important to you then why don't you just go for a few hours?

This man is a bad man.

I think part of marriage and having a child is sometimes doing things you’d rather not, to make your partner and child happy. Is that so alien to you?

I didn’t particularly want to go to the pub earlier as I’m tired but the rest of the family did and I wanted to be with them so I went - and had a nice time.

For the dh to agree to a family Christmas and then renege on this the day before bc he “fancies a day alone” is fucking ridiculous and selfish and not normal.

It’s so sad on here the amount of women who are prepared to accept the bare minimum. The point I’m making is I wouldn’t ever have to tell my dh to suck it up and stop being a selfish arse bc I wouldn’t be with someone like that in the first place. Listen to just the people on this thread who had crappy fathers who opted out of important occasions and how it has stayed with them all these years later.

Yes Christmas is one day and yes, if you have a child you fucking well suck it up and do what you said you’d do, do what makes your child happy and talk about having a Christmas with just the three of you next year when you’ve got this one out of the way if that’s what you prefer.

It’s really very simple.

I personally wouldn’t force him — but I do think it’s fair for you to feel upset.

Christmas is usually about compromise, especially when kids and family traditions are involved. Wanting some alone time doesn’t make him a BAD person though, but completely opting out — especially when you live so close and he’s been asked to come just for dinner — feels inconsiderate.

I wouldn’t physically make him go, but I would be honest that this hurts you and puts you in an awkward position with your family. A reasonable middle ground might have been popping in for dinner or an hour, then heading home for quiet time.

If this is a one-off and he genuinely needs space, I’d probably let it go this year. But if becomes a pattern or you notice a huge change then a bigger conversation is needed. Hope you enjoy the day regardless.

Merry Christmas!

Same 😬 every year I promise myself that I will go away for Christmas the following year, yet somehow I never let myself…

I'm very sorry about what happened to you.
I couldn't just read your post and fuck off.
You have been very strong. 💐

All that said, just a little bit for myself - I'm in a position in life, where I can and absolutely do put me first. Carefully planned since childhood.
Because life is short and as I say for
myself, I didn't choose to be here.

Based on my evening so far I sympathise with him entirely. Families are overrated.

Why does his feelings trump that of his wife and kids?

He gets 364 days of the year spending it at his own home with just the 3 of them.
Its 1 day of the year that DD would like to spend with the extended family.

Perhaps for 1 day it could not be all about him.

Desperation? Bizarre? Batshit?

I mean, she’s just calmly asking if it’s reasonable or not for him to opt out of family Christmas plans.

He said he wants to be alone.
I could understand it if he'd said he'd like them all to stay and have a quiet Christmas at home, but he specifically hasn't asked that.

He's probably no different to half the men in the country, but most just grin and bear it !

It’s nothing to do with standards- you are putting your own emotions onto things.

I would take a day to myself at christmas if I really needed one. And I have been in a place where i really needed one, believe me.

You’re being lightweight and presumptive about a situation of which you know nothing and aren’t willing to consider anything but the worst of him.

To be fair though, that's on you. I think that in this particular instance, OP's husband is probably being unreasonable, but I also think that a lot of the anger against him (and against men in general not doing the 'mental load' ) is because we women don't give ourselves permission to opt out. I get that a lot of that is conditioning, but at some point we have to take ownership and not just run ourselves ragged after everyone. Nobody will thank you for being a martyr, and sometimes things just won't get done and people will be pissed off, but that's just life.

But they don’t celebrate Christmas every other day of the year do they. For many of us cramming every family member into one room for 12+ hours doesn’t make a fun Christmas. A quiet one at home doesn’t mean that everyone is sat around bored out of their brains and treating the day like a normal day. Anyone who can’t enjoy a day with their own spouse and child without adding in a multitude of other people make me think that they married the wrong person….

There's having a day to yourself and there's stepping up for his kid on the most exciting holiday of the year for his kid.

Unless your family is wildly obnoxious and physically fighting and throwing stuff, this is weird that he wouldn't even just pop in for a few minutes. This is really about him putting himself over his kid.

Are you sure he would be staying at home? Alone?

Just to cover a couple of things as too many too reply too!
despite living close I actually don’t see a lot of my family, always very busy at work. Never spend the weekends with them, always with husband and daughter.

we aren’t in each others pockets, just have a group chat which we usually have some sort of daily interaction but nothing much.

we are all easily going, chilled and fairly
reserved and definitely not too much for him!

he’s definitely not having an affair no! We are always together, never works late. ( probably why he wants to be alone on Xmas 😅)

Yay! Bingo!

At the last minute!!!

this poster Zov has very low standards and wouldn’t want them for a partner