Husband decided he’s not coming to my family’s for Christmas just because he wants a day to himself at home.

[Puggymummy19]

Aibu to make him come?!
he says he can’t be bothered with the chaos, kids and just wants to be alone at home.
he’s not depressed or anything like this just being anti social.
would you care?
to add we only live round the corner, I said please just come for the dinner at least but won’t even do that

I don't like big gatherings myself with the exception being my own family of four DC and DH. Six of us together is enough on Christmas Day. We visit family before Christmas Day of just after.

I agree with your DH. I can't tolerate lots of folk. This time of year is very overwhelming. I personally wish it was all over. It is all the expectations.

How would you make him?

Cant bothered with the kids?!?!

His kids. What about when you cba? These are his children, opting out of parenting is OK especially on Christmas day when kids deserve to be round her family

enough seats to eat together but a small living space considering size of table. Kids honestly arent that annoying! Noisy but not lots of moaning.

There IS something up - he can have his day another day

why on earth doesn’t he want to be with you and his child

Is there no chance for him to get another day at home? Is he back at work quick?

bevause actually he should be doing it for the daughter as it’s Christmas Day. But he’s not unreasonable to want a quiet day at home, I myself want and NEED three

It’s a bit weird then, perhaps he’s feeling run down and low in energy.

This is the kind of person who makes me want to be somewhat cruel (the DH).

I get it’s a bit much sometimes at Christmas with children being excited etc but.. (here’s the cruel bit) he should be fucking glad he has a healthy “regular” child and family to go family Christmas events with.
My only living DD is so profoundly disabled she understands Christmas and Santa but not Christmas Day and can’t handle presents, likes nothing new and depends on me (and her father to a lesser degree).

And 12 years ago I was holding my stillborn perfect DD (full term) howling like a wolf from grief. 11years ago I was in a cathedral with my (now recently deceased mum) listening to O Holy Night and crying silently while smiling at a beautiful baby in front of me. My mum was the only person who recognised that my heart was broken. I mean my husband was there too but he didn’t get it (though he’d lost her too).

You can be the best dad in the world but if you can’t just be there for the few hours that count for your child at times like Christmas it’s a sorry state of affairs.

I’d personally find this typical of some people who can’t not put themselves before others. And I wouldn’t like it.

There are 364 other days in the year to choose to have for himself, tomorrow really makes a statement.

Your DC being an only child is not a big deal and wouldn't be missing out if you just celebrated Christmas Day at your own house next year. Your DH may just prefer this solution for next year.

He doesn’t get to not go!

it’s what was planned - he sounds v immature

Does he feel like a loose part at your family Christmas?

Are you swept up with family and your daughter playing with other children? Does he have a natural group to chat with? Do you two stick together?

I have to be mindful of that with my husband.

I’m so sorry for your loss. 😔

I mean sure, but I wouldn't be accompanying him to see his family either.

This wouldn’t be an option for DH or I at Christmas. He went to his see his family last weekend whilst I wrapped but that was not a quiet day at home to myself. It’s really not much to ask for him to be with you for this family event.

I think good on him tbh. Look how many Women are taking themselves, and dragging children out of the house, to visit Family, when they really don't want to.

He’s actually a great husband and dad

Well clearly not. Great husbands and dads don't just fuck off Christmas with family, when they've accepted the invitation and are expected and catered for, because they don't feel like husbanding and dadding and would rather ditch everyone for some me time.

No, I wouldn’t make him come. But my god it would make me rethink my relationship and he’d one his marriage was on the line.

You don’t get that option when you have children, you don’t get to “can’t be bothered”.

If you, personally, lean into the chaos, i.e. socialising and interacting with your family and all the children and he is essentially "just there" then I would have no issue with him staying home, as a one off.

The concern may be, though, that it will set a precedent and how would you deal with that going forward @Puggymummy19?

I don't think it's weird per se, he is not responsible for what they think of him, the only other important person in this scenario is you and your thoughts.

Seriously! You think he can just opt out and tell OP to deal with it all alone?

You know what I admire him for setting boundaries and sticking to them. Adults shouldn’t be forced to do things they don’t want to do- he needs a day alone, what’s the problem, really?

There are 364 other days to get together with family.

Really, really poor. Selfish. I get we all need space and me-time but not Christmas Day FGS. I'd be really angry.

I used to occasionally when my DC were younger. I’d simply refuse to stay at my in-laws over the Christmas period (not Christmas Day) because I didn’t enjoy it. My DH was perfectly capable of looking after the DC and I’d prefer a couple of days to myself than go.

Deal with what alone? She’s just going to see her family, not off for a shift down the coal mine