To Think this could be breaking point?

[Chefpig]

My mother has been with her husband for over 15 years now. There's been years of her putting him and his family first before her own family, as well as selfish behaviour.

This Christmas I have to stay home. I have always gone to hers apart from a few Christmases I spent with my ex and his family.

This Christmas her husband is working. I invited her to mine. I live 60 miles away and we don't drive so she'd have to stay the night. She stays often as I live by the sea. I'm never short of visitors usually. I'll be on my own, which she's aware of, but she's refusing as when her husband gets home he'll be on his own (from 7pm to bedtime which is around 9pm). Fair enough.

Today I unexpectedly experienced the death of someone very close. The day has gone by in a haze and I've been a mess tbh but I asked my mum if she'd come and stay seeing as I've had the bereavement and she has refused. She doesn't want to leave her husband alone for Christmas.

There's been years of selfish behaviour. Aibu to Think this should be the breaking point and the time I say no more to me not being a priority? I've seen no one today and will see no one tomorrow. It's fine as I chose to move away but I know if I had kids and they needed me, I'd be there in a heartbeat.

She's not married to you.

So her husband should come first?

If neither of you drive she’d probably do well to get a train to you anyway.

Sorry for your loss. I’d try and spend tomorrow quietly grieving, reflecting and remembering my friend.

Yes.

Yes. If you’d needed her today, you should have asked. You clearly dislike your stepfather so he can’t come to yours.Why should he be alone rather than you?

I do like my stepfather and he stays over regularly. I did ask. He should be alone because I lost someone I love very much.

Yes I think you are being unreasonable. I would have told you to come to me though - why isn’t that possible?
Snd why cut contact? You may feel you are not a priority but at least you still have a relationship with her, why do you want to lose that completely?

You’ve explained why your mum doesn’t want to come to yours but all you’ve said about yourself is ‘this Christmas I have to stay home’. Why?

Because there's a lot of history of her being selfish

I have pets I need to stay home for.

It wasn't my friend. It was a very close relative.

I would be there for my daughter without a doubt…. Blood is thicker than water. You are definitely not being unreasonable. Sending hugs.

Im really surprised by the comments on here. Her daughter needs her because she’s lost a close friend, and her husband not spending a couple of hours on his own is a priority. Honestly I do think I would be really pissed off. If this is a pattern maybe now is the time to stop making her a priority as well.

I think you are probably in shock and in grief at this moment.

You've asked your other, she's said no. Leave it for now because your anger/upset with her will get mixed up in your grieving. And I don't think you need to drama.

Can you speak to others who knew the person who died so you can share some grief/shock with them?

I am sorry, it's a horrible time of year to feel.alone.

Sorry for your loss.

I’m afraid you sound like an adult only child who doesn’t like sharing. Your mum doesn’t owe you this level of practical support at her own expense anymore.

That said, you don’t need permission to tell your mum you can’t handle her selfish ways, that she’s not giving you what you need from her and that therefore you’re going to cut her off. You are free to do that. But I don’t see how this will improve your situation. It sounds very much like you want to guilt her into putting you first and certainly ahead of herself under the guise of not being selfish. That’s not normal for an adult, nor reasonable nor acceptable.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I do think inventing what you would feel and do when you aren’t in the situation is unhelpful. We invariably think much more selfishly and in a more nuanced way when apportioning our time vs when we apportion other’s time.

I don’t think that you’re being at all unreasonable to ask this of your Mother in this situation, I can’t imagine refusing a similar request from my own children. I really don’t understand parents who don’t want to help out their children when they can, and in your situation I would remember refusals like this when called upon to help when they eventually need it.

Of course see she’ll priories her husband. He’s her next of kin not you. I’m so sorry for your loss but you sound rather selfish yourself.

I've done so, so much for her. When I need help for once she is not forthcoming with help. If her husband asked the same of her or even his family, she'd be there straight away.

I’m so sorry for your loss, and I completely understand the hurt you feel with your mum not wanting to come visit even now that you’ve had this bereavement. It is painful not feeling like a priority or having support from a parent when you’re facing big things.
Prioritise your self care for now ♥️

There's not one person I'm a priority for. Not one person.

But why? Why can't he come to yours with your mum? It sounds like you're totally excluding him.

@BillieWiper he can't because he's working, He comes and stays at my house every few weeks with my mum. They like I here as it's by the sea.

Her side of the tale would be that she needs t stay home so he husband doesn't com home from work to an empty house on Christmas day. That's all.
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