To Think this could be breaking point?

[Chefpig]

My mother has been with her husband for over 15 years now. There's been years of her putting him and his family first before her own family, as well as selfish behaviour.

This Christmas I have to stay home. I have always gone to hers apart from a few Christmases I spent with my ex and his family.

This Christmas her husband is working. I invited her to mine. I live 60 miles away and we don't drive so she'd have to stay the night. She stays often as I live by the sea. I'm never short of visitors usually. I'll be on my own, which she's aware of, but she's refusing as when her husband gets home he'll be on his own (from 7pm to bedtime which is around 9pm). Fair enough.

Today I unexpectedly experienced the death of someone very close. The day has gone by in a haze and I've been a mess tbh but I asked my mum if she'd come and stay seeing as I've had the bereavement and she has refused. She doesn't want to leave her husband alone for Christmas.

There's been years of selfish behaviour. Aibu to Think this should be the breaking point and the time I say no more to me not being a priority? I've seen no one today and will see no one tomorrow. It's fine as I chose to move away but I know if I had kids and they needed me, I'd be there in a heartbeat.

I think once we get to adulthood ,we should expect less from our parents
We don't stay the centre of their lives forever
My mum , wasn't involved or even interested in me when I was a child ,so it seems bizarre to me that your first port of call would be to call her to stay ..
Call her to chat I understand
But to expect her to drop everything to stay seems quite demanding to me ..but then I've not had the best example
My own DD is now nearly 30 with 3 younger siblings
I've got to be honest,I do find myself thinking..when does the responsibility end.
I did things massively different from my mum ,have been as fully involved as my DC have wanted ,I've been lead by them .
But still there are plenty of demands from my DC ,and to be honest I do just want my life back for myself
However if my DD phoned and asked me to come , because she needed me ,for whatever reason,if be there like a shot .
I'm sorry op to hear about the death of your relative,I hope you manage to have a nice day today, despite the upset

Dear OP, I know we’re strangers but I want you to know you are in my thoughts right now and I am so sorry for your loss. This is such a difficult time of the year to be alone. I have been there myself. If you feel low today please call the Samaritans. They were wonderful to me many years ago on Christmas Day when I felt so low I considered doing something awful. You might not believe this right now, but this will pass. I hope you have a peaceful and restful day.

Your pets love you unconditionally. Snuggle up, stick the TV on and eat lots of chocolate. I am very sorry for your loss

I’m so sorry that you are going through this OP. I’ve had a similar upbringing and had many lonely experiences where I thought that there was no point in continuing. But look. You know you deserve more than your mother is capable of giving you. She’s clearly pretty awful. I learned years ago that there was no point in asking mine for sympathy or kindness because it seemed to give her a satisfaction in being able to deny it to me. There’s a saying “Don’t drink poison just because you are thirsty.” Make 2026 your year where you go out and try new things, meet new people. To hell with your mother. And be too busy for them to use your house for their holidays.
Sorry for your loss xxx

This seems to be your issue here really. You are grieving and in shock so I can see why this hurts. But there are lots of parts to this. As an adult you are expecting your mum to put you over her husband which is unlikely to happen. Also your pets are stopping you travelling. Again your issue that you are making hers. You need to build a wider support network. I have a family but also have a couple of friends who would have called to see me if this had happened. You seem to be putting a lot on your mum.

@Chefpig was the person you lost a relative so your mum knows them too, or a partner from a relationship?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't think you've been unreasonable at all. Over the years your mum has put her new husband first, and you've accepted that, but in your time of need she isn't there. Personally, I'd be there like a shot if my child needed me, and I'd expect my husband to know this. Unfortunately your mum is a woman who puts a man before the (very reasonable) needs of her adult child. Take the time to grieve for your friend. And in the new year you may need to come to terms with the reality of your mother's priorities.
I'm very sorry for your loss.

I don't think I'd leave my husband on Xmas day . I think you're being a bit unfair here.
sorry for your loss.

Hope you're okay, OP! Some very miserable responses. You're grieving and feeling alone and of course you want your mum! I guess she is torn between you and her husband and that is probably not an easy place to be for her.

Since you're both alone in the day, can you not set up a time today and have a video call with a glass of wine together (if you both drink) and have a laugh, even if you are geographically separated? Better than feeling down.

All of this, you are being unfair there is absolutely no way would I ask my mum to drop everything for what you have put in the op ever

Really surprised at the comments here. How anyone can think her husband, who apparently can’t be on his own for couple hours after work, is more important than her daughter, who is alone and grieving, is priority is beyond me.

I’d be hurt too, OP.

Not even if your daughter was grieving the sudden loss of someone? Well aren’t you a delight? Jesus.

Could you not go to her? The thing is you should be building your own life now. Your mum needs to pour into her husband as that’s all she will have left once you have your own kids etc. it’s hard to split herself in 2 I guess.

Given that you moved out, yes. You put your pets first this Christmas, after all.

Sorry for your loss and the way you are feeling. By the sounds of it, I don't think your mother would have been much help even if she came. Gently distance yourself for now. Start saying no to her. Make an effort to make new friends when you feel up to it. Widen your circle.

Can you let us know you are OK OP.

What happens to adult males if they come home to an empty house? Do they spontaneously combust?

Very sorry about your friend.

We can debate what parents of adults should or shouldn’t do for their DC, but you know your Mum and that she has consistently prioritised her H, so it’s unrealistic to expect otherwise now.

So sorry to hear you've been feeling so low, OP.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans site at https://www.samaritans.org/ or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

I'm so sorry for your loss op. Awful at any time of the year but especially terrible timing with people being busy with their own stuff so less able to make time for you.

Your mother, on the other hand, if she has the money to travel and isn't in terrible health, has no excuse not to see you and comfort you and to be putting her husband (and him not being alone for 2 hours...) before you. I'm shocked by that and absolutely baffled. Surely both of them could come also? Unless he wouldn't want to after work? Can't imagine not wanting to comfort my daughter and him not caring at all when he's quite content to use your house as a free holiday home on my occasions.

You cannot change what they are doing however. Use this time to focus on what you want to do and honouring your family member in the way you see fit. Perhaps watching some telly that resonates or listening to pertinent music. Music helped me so very much when my Mum died suddenly in July. And anything else you can think of. Your pets will also be a great comfort and can you call other family members/friends. You might be surprised who reaches out, I know I was. Sending you so much love at this horrific time.

I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you can gather some comfort from friends and other family members at least.

As a daughter, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to expect support from your mum after a sudden bereavement.

As a mother, I think it’s actually quite awful that your mum can’t be arsed to come and comfort you when you need her.

This is definitely a situation where I would drop whatever I had going on to be there for my child.

Agree ! Think that some people are deliberately antagonistic and lacking in empathy!
My children will always be my priority TBH and I think that is perfectly normal IRL !

Your mother, on the other hand, if she has the money to travel and isn't in terrible health, has no excuse not to see you and comfort you and to be putting her husband (and him not being alone for 2 hours...) before you. I'm shocked by that and absolutely baffled.
it’s NOT him alone for 2 hours, it would have been the DM leaving on Christmas Eve and not returning till today, so definitely not “just the. 2 hours” people are fixating on!

Your mum doesn’t owe you this level of practical support at her own expense anymore.
Do you have adult children?
One's children are one's children for life!
I'm totally shocked by Op's mother.
What a disgrace!

So what!