To Think this could be breaking point?

[Chefpig]

My mother has been with her husband for over 15 years now. There's been years of her putting him and his family first before her own family, as well as selfish behaviour.

This Christmas I have to stay home. I have always gone to hers apart from a few Christmases I spent with my ex and his family.

This Christmas her husband is working. I invited her to mine. I live 60 miles away and we don't drive so she'd have to stay the night. She stays often as I live by the sea. I'm never short of visitors usually. I'll be on my own, which she's aware of, but she's refusing as when her husband gets home he'll be on his own (from 7pm to bedtime which is around 9pm). Fair enough.

Today I unexpectedly experienced the death of someone very close. The day has gone by in a haze and I've been a mess tbh but I asked my mum if she'd come and stay seeing as I've had the bereavement and she has refused. She doesn't want to leave her husband alone for Christmas.

There's been years of selfish behaviour. Aibu to Think this should be the breaking point and the time I say no more to me not being a priority? I've seen no one today and will see no one tomorrow. It's fine as I chose to move away but I know if I had kids and they needed me, I'd be there in a heartbeat.

Op is prioritising her pets, where’s all the aghast at that?

Let me guess, you are not a mum? Weird reply. But then this is mumsnet 🤦🏻‍♀️🙄

I can’t believe anyone has said you are being unreasonable. As a mother, I can’t imagine choosing to put my husbands need to not be alone for two hours over my adult child’s need for comfort after a bereavement.

I had a bereavement a couple of years ago and it opened my eyes to who was there for me and who was not. You deserved better. I hope you managed to find some peace.

OP, is it a pet that has died? I only ask because that might explain why your mother isn’t being very sympathetic (though of course your grief is no less). Or is it a relative on your father’s side, and that is why your mum isn’t upset herself?

Your mother doesn’t sound very nice, regardless. In the new year, can you focus on finding better friends, a partner if that is what you want, and connecting with other family members if you have them? You are never going to get what you need from your mum.

Yes. Her husband comes first. You’re a grown adult and while you’re understandably upset about your bereavement- she’s done raising you and it’s actually really unhealthy that you expect your mother to drop her life to come to your aid.

You need to get a partner of your own and build emotional resilience.

You no doubt chose to live 60 miles away - and if you need to rely on your mother so much - was an interesting move. If you feel you need to be around her - go to her.

I’m sorry you’re alone on Christmas Day. I’m sorry you have lost someone and that you’re not a priority for your Mum. I know that hurts no matter what age we are.
You sound isolated where you live. Have you any friends close by?
I don’t think you should make any rash decisions about cutting your mum off. She may not be there on Christmas night when you need her but you already knew she wouldn’t be and that wasn’t going to change it seems.
That aside, do you have any friends close by that you could even pop around to for an hour?
is learning to drive an option for you?

The consensus on Mumsnet is that pets trump human relationships every time.

I’m sorry but at any age your children are still your children. If one of my children had lost someone important to them I know I’d be there, at the very least I’d call so they could talk about their loss. I don’t think many people have children and just wave them goodbye at 18 because they are then adults?

@Chefpig I’m so sorry for your loss and that your mum didn’t want to comfort you. Do you have any local friends? If not maybe this year is the year to work on that? On our local Facebook page I just saw today a brave lady put up that she was lonely and wanted to make friends in the area and she had some lovely replies. Maybe you could try something like that? You may just find your special friend who would support you in times like this? I think it’s probably time to accept that this won’t be coming from your mother so you go and get that elsewhere but I’m sorry that is the situation because I truly don’t think it should be.

Hi op. Sorry for your loss. Are you able to call Samaritans today and talk through your suicidal thoughts? Can you ring your GP and make an appointment to talk through getting some form of extra support?

From your description of your mother it sounds like you would be better off reducing contact and working through your childhood trauma in therapy.

I hope you find the strength to get through this.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I have had a lot of loss myself in the last couple of years. I understand you are in a lot of pain right now and feel let down by your family.

I hope you have someone else close to you that you can talk to and turn to for comfort. If not, I suggest going on a bereavement forum online and speaking to people on there.

You won't, sadly, find what you need here. People are here looking for debate and discussion and will be upfront and honest with you instead of gentle.

Lots of love xxx

You have to separate off from her for all of this, not just her recent behaviour. That is a grey area. The content of this post not at all. No grey. None.

See 2026 as the start of a massive change. Stop batting yourself against this like a moth on a bulb and be done.

Put yourself first. Change your numbers and put up stout curtains at the front of your house. You are enough.

It isn't a couple of hours though. It is 3 days

Sorry for your loss OP.
My parents went NC with me years ago, fully expecting me to apologise and beg forgiveness, even through I hadn't done anything wrong, because that's what they'd trained me to do. They're still waiting.
My point is, you get treated poorly because you allow yourself to be treated poorly. Decide what you what your relationship with your mother to look like moving forwards. Concentrate on building friendships. I have friends I would jump off a cliff for but I wouldn't piss on my mother if she was on fire.

I am so shocked at some of the comments on here. OP is clearly struggling and came here for support. I’ve been wincing at some of the horrible and blunt posts which have completely missed the point. OP’s mum often travels to use her DD’s seaside home as a holiday house. But doesn’t want to now it’s Xmas, and thinks her DH can’t be alone on Xmas night after being out all day visiting his family.

OP, I truly empathise. Please don’t listen to horrible comments on here. Your feelings are valid. Instead of taking up your weekends hosting your DM & her partner, why don’t you spend time on yourself and finding your tribe xxx

This is exactly what I'm thinking. Mumsnet is very strange sometimes. I can't imagine not being able to leave my DH for a couple of hours to make sure my DD was OK when she's lost someone very close.

OP, I'm sorry for your loss and hope you do find support in the future from others.

Hi everyone. Thanks for your advice. As I told my mother that she puts her husband first she's now not speaking to me. What also upset me is that I rang her at around 7am that day to tell her of the death and I was crying and really upset and she didn't contact me to see how I was at all all day. That really upset me.

My mum puts her husband first in all occasions. It's always his feelings and his wants that trump all else. It can be something as simple as a suggestion to go out for the day somewhere. We'll all suggest something, but wherever he's suggested wins every single time. If he'd had a bereavement you can bet she'd be very concerned about him all day and checking in on him and she'd be there with him if she could.

In the past, she hasn't wanted to leave him because he 'cant cook for himself'. If this has been questioned, she's said hes never had to learn. Tbh, I just don't think she cares that much for me.

To the poster saying I should get a partner. Ha! I don't want one. Usually I'm an independent, resilient woman but the bereavement upset me so much.

I don't understand this putting dh first thing? If my adult dcs needed me I'd be there in a shot. Dh would understand as I'd be the same if his adult dc needed him.

I can see why you moved away @Chefpig . Take care of yourself and do something nice. Do you have any friends nearby? If not maybe try and join things to make some?

I moved because I was running away from their toxicity. Unfortunately, they come over far too many times and tell me to shush when they're watching something, say I talk too much and the criticisms don't stop. I actually don't like them coming but I feel mean saying no as one day my mum will be dead.

I've read each and every reply and have drawn strength from each one.

You need to stop with the guilt. Yes she'll be dead that's the way it's supposed to be. Sometimes dcs go first though. Do you think she's feeling bad about how she treats you? Make it a new year a new you. Look out for yourself as she isn't.

I hear you but that isn’t your mum’s fault. It’s grief talking. Grief is horrible. It takes hold of you and does what it wants with your mind. There is no telling how you will experience it each time.

What you are asking your mother to do is no small thing. Try your best to look after yourself.

I am so sorry for your loss.
Thats hard to take that your Mum puts her partner first when you are upset.
Take it easy today and be kind to yourself.

We'll all be dead one day. That does not give any of us the right to boss you around in your own home.

The online bereavement forum is a good idea. Sometimes it’s easier to ‘talk’ to strangers.

OP I’m very sorry for your lost and also think your mum should be more compassionate even if you’re an adult!

Hiya,
I do think you may be a little depressed, and I think that's manifesting itself in a lack of self-esteem, and perhaps when you reached out to your mother you were putting that to the test. "If she rushes over to see me, then that means she loves me, then that means I'm lovable. If not, then it means that nobody cares for me or can possibly care for me."
I can't say too much about your relationship with your mother, but asking her to drop everything and spend Christmas with you rather than her husband, as she'd planned, IS a big ask.
I don't mean to say that she or your stepfather aren't capable of unkindness or thoughtlessness. Perhaps they are. But if they were as awful as all that I don't think you'd have asked her to come and see you in the first place.
I think some of us (and I include myself in that) spend years, even decades, holding our parents up as the arbiters of our own self-worth. It's understandable. It's what we learn when we're tiny. But as an adult you need to move away from that. It's more obvious when your parents are absolutely awful, but if, like most people, they're just human beings who try their best but often get things wrong, you have to distance yourself from them, emotionally speaking, so that you can allow them to be imperfect.
Like some other people have said, make sure you don't spend your time inside feeling sad. See some friends, go for walks in nice places, go and see a film or something. And - if you haven't already, do go to your GP and ask for help. It might just be antidepressants but it's a start. Take care xxx