To Think this could be breaking point?

[Chefpig]

My mother has been with her husband for over 15 years now. There's been years of her putting him and his family first before her own family, as well as selfish behaviour.

This Christmas I have to stay home. I have always gone to hers apart from a few Christmases I spent with my ex and his family.

This Christmas her husband is working. I invited her to mine. I live 60 miles away and we don't drive so she'd have to stay the night. She stays often as I live by the sea. I'm never short of visitors usually. I'll be on my own, which she's aware of, but she's refusing as when her husband gets home he'll be on his own (from 7pm to bedtime which is around 9pm). Fair enough.

Today I unexpectedly experienced the death of someone very close. The day has gone by in a haze and I've been a mess tbh but I asked my mum if she'd come and stay seeing as I've had the bereavement and she has refused. She doesn't want to leave her husband alone for Christmas.

There's been years of selfish behaviour. Aibu to Think this should be the breaking point and the time I say no more to me not being a priority? I've seen no one today and will see no one tomorrow. It's fine as I chose to move away but I know if I had kids and they needed me, I'd be there in a heartbeat.

Ah OK, fair enough. Sorry I misunderstood. It does sound annoying and disappointing your mum isn't rallying round in your hour of need.

Do you have other friends or family you could ask to come round instead? I'm sorry for your loss. X

But that’s totally understandable. I wouldn’t want my husband going home to an empty house on Christmas. Wouldn’t she have to get public transport? How’s that looking journey wise, and she’d probably have to stay over Christmas night too?

Which is awful at times like this. When someone has to choose. And it feels lonely.

But in normal times, you and your mum rub along, you have pets, other relatives, friends.

My single, child-free, black sheep friend recently had an injury. All her friends rallied round because she’s lovely. And it was heartwarming for all of us to see how much the rest of us were willing to do. However, had it been Christmas, I wouldn’t have missed seeing my DH for her. She sees herself as rich, not poor.

At the moment that’s too hard, I understand. But typically, is your life rich?

Your mum is who she is, she's shown you to this before and she's not going to change. All you can do is change how you behave and think. That might be having her to stay less, for example, to prioritise other activities/friends to build stronger alternative connections in your life. Or it might involve less going out of your way for her, so that things feel more balanced. You don't need to work any of this out right now though. Plenty of time to figure it out after grieving. It might be worth thinking about therapy too, to unravel it all

You don't want to travel to her. She doesn't want to travel to you. The bereavement is sad, but doesn't mean she's obliged to change her plans, and the fact that you're considering cutting her off for not falling in line with your wishes makes you sound controlling.

You're not wrong to be hurt but I'd urge you not to make any rash decisions at this stage. Grief is brutal, get through the worst of it before you do anything long term with your mum. I'm sorry for your loss, @Chefpig .

@Chefpig is your mum related to to the family member who passed away too? Do they have any other family you could talk to?

I'm so sorry for your loss and for the lack of support from your mum. I don't understand those who say her husband should come first, that's just insane to me! My mum has always said that her children are her priority, above any man who shares her life. And I'm the same with my kids. Sounds like your mum's husband is already the priority all of the time and it is so hurtful she couldn't make an exception in those difficult circumstances for you. My advice: stop expecting anything from her, and I mean anything. Bu5 also, stop helping her out at all. A relationship of any kind should go both ways.
Lots of love ❤️

Sorry for your loss but you are being unreasonable here. Can her husband come too. It's Christmas

I’m a mother - there is no way in hell I would make the choice she has - I’d be there for my child even if they were 50. However, I think you have to accept she is who she is and won’t get better so you need to match your relationship intensity to hers - that doesn’t mean you need to go no contact - just meet her where she is in the relationship.

I'm not saying your wrong. It's deeply hurtful that your mum won't come and support you and a grown man can be alone at Christmas when he's working.

However, the general advice is not to make permanent decisions in the first six months of grief. It would be unwise to cut your mum off right now- stick a pin in it and come back to it when you're ready.

You should have sorted your pets out and gone to hers... think her husband comes before pets.

Sorry but in this circumstance my adult child would definitely come first. It’s ridiculous to think a woman can’t leave her husband on his own and be with her grieving child. I don’t understand this DH trumps all attitude, it’s like something from the 1950s!

I agree with this (and I have pets I really hate leaving).

Or could the step dad come to yours when he finishes work?

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.
I would always prioritise my daughter over my H tbh - so if I was your Mum I'd come over, no question. But lots of women do remarry and prioritise their new husband over their children sadly.
The shock and grief of your bereavement is probably making you see everything negatively - I'm a soon-to-be divorced mum, and quite honestly, I'm not sure I'm anyone's priority either! I'm always the one who has to pull everything together for everyone else.
In your situation, I think I'd try to find a way to go and visit her instead, so I wasn't alone. But then I am an irredeemable people pleaser.
If you can't do that, then please take care of yourself, you will be in total shock. Self-care: make sure you eat and drink enough, go easy on yourself, cry, listen to music, read etc etc.

You are an adult and she’s married so that’s fair enough. You won’t want to leave your pets, she doesn’t want to leave her husband

If you’ve suffered a close loss I know how it it is. Been there with DH. But no one can help, no matter how much they try, so I would just mourn your loss and accept other people will never make it easier.

Sorry for your loss, OP. If I were you, I would stop hoping that she'll ever prioritise you because she won't. People don't change. I would stop hoping that she will behave differently, and adjust your expectations accordingly. I too had a mother who was incapable of prioritising me, for however short a period. I matched her energy and made a life without reference to her.

And your side is you won’t leave home because you don’t want your pets to be alone 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’ve arranged a dog sitter to facilitate Christmas stays and you could have done the same, but you chose not to.

what a nasty tone in some of these reponses. The Op has just lost someone and is grieving.

Why do you have to stay home? Cant you go to hers?

I'm sorry that's the case. But, as a grown woman, you can't rely on your mum to make you her number one priority just because you haven't formed any more significant connections yet.

It's your responsibility to form a reciprocal network of support now that you're a grown up.

I'm sorry you feel like that and especially that you aren't anyone's priority. I've felt that many times in my life and it a sad, lonely place to be.

There is obviously history here and perhaps also a dependency on your mother based on the above. Your mother has her own reasons for putting her foot down at times and putting her own wants first.

I would think long and hard about cuttng her off as you will be the one to suffer most if you do.

Do you have a friend you can call for a chat?
Can you bring your pets to your mother's house if you can't bear to be alone?

In this instance I really think it should be you that disrupts your environment to go to your mum instead of expecting her to drop everything and go to you.

I'm sorry for your loss.

OP, you knew your mum was going to do this. You've had years of prior behaviour. When it's presented to you in such a stark scenario (even when you knew this was what she was going to do) it really hurts. Deep down you've always known she's not the same mum as other people's mums but it's hard to push that down and ignore when its something like a bereavement and you would like some support. It's not that you need support, it would just be nice from the person who you're supposed to be close with and who ought to want to support you. I hear you, I get you. It's utterly fucking shit to have a mother who doesn't do that kind of 'drop everything' support, even just once.

Big girl pants, you've managed without her support all this time. And maybe think twice about letting them come and enjoy their little holiday by the sea every few weeks next year. Put yourself first. Sending a hug, sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss. At this point in life your mum can choose who is her priority and it can be anyone and no-one. Unfortunately she has shown you that it isn't you which must be very disappointing. However you get to choose as well. I know you say you are no one's priority and that sucks but this is your life and if you want that to change its up to you to do that. Get out there, meet more people, build relationships. Accept your mum for who she is and remember it isn't a reflection on you.