To Think this could be breaking point?

[Chefpig]

My mother has been with her husband for over 15 years now. There's been years of her putting him and his family first before her own family, as well as selfish behaviour.

This Christmas I have to stay home. I have always gone to hers apart from a few Christmases I spent with my ex and his family.

This Christmas her husband is working. I invited her to mine. I live 60 miles away and we don't drive so she'd have to stay the night. She stays often as I live by the sea. I'm never short of visitors usually. I'll be on my own, which she's aware of, but she's refusing as when her husband gets home he'll be on his own (from 7pm to bedtime which is around 9pm). Fair enough.

Today I unexpectedly experienced the death of someone very close. The day has gone by in a haze and I've been a mess tbh but I asked my mum if she'd come and stay seeing as I've had the bereavement and she has refused. She doesn't want to leave her husband alone for Christmas.

There's been years of selfish behaviour. Aibu to Think this should be the breaking point and the time I say no more to me not being a priority? I've seen no one today and will see no one tomorrow. It's fine as I chose to move away but I know if I had kids and they needed me, I'd be there in a heartbeat.

Apt username...

According to the OP it sounds as though the mum's partner is not around during the day (doesn't get home u til 7pm) so I'm not sure it's the case they'll be left alone for 2 days.
Regardless, I don't actually think what day of the year it is should make any difference to a mother being there for their daughter in her hour of need.

Because she's her mum?!!

So. They mum has her own life, daughter is a grown up and chose to move 60’miles away because her mum is “toxic”. It she needs her she calls at 7am and expects her to somehow get there at the click of a finger when she doesn’t drive and it’s Xmas day!?!?!

Chefpig, terribly sorry for the loss of your close relative 💐💐💐

Its taken me too many years to realise my mother didn’t like me. I fully sympathise with you.
From what you’ve posted here, it seems that you still allow the M & SF to come stay with you…maybe quite a lot? I wonder if you might be happier if you could find a way of stopping these ‘visits’, as each visit is only for them really?
I really hope you can find happier times in the near future.

I think you should be able to ask your mum for some emotional support, under these circumstances.You are good enough to accommodate them,as you live by the sea! Which they are happy to take advantage of.Your mothers husband should be able to manage for 2 hrs on his own.He sounds pathetic? I use to have a step farther who ruled by fear, my mother used to enable the behaviour.She would always put him before me, her only daughter! When I needed her which was rarely,very independent.She would always be unavailable! Please,please look after yourself, take care of your own needs.Mum does not sound like she wants to help at this time.Sorry!

This is what stood out for me. I’m long past the point of having expectations from my parents and would never want to pressurise my children. I’m my husbands priority and he’s mine. And I have good friends. But not every marriage or relationship is like that.

I’m assuming you are single which can be both wonderful and hard depending on what’s going on in your life. I really hope you are starting to feel better about your loss.

Hello, I hope you are feeling slightly better today? I can empathise with you to some
extent and know what it feels like to be so alone at this time of year. When my mum died, in the blink of an eye, when I was 30, my dad met someone else that same year and remarried. We knew he only did it because he was heartbroken, but unfortunately he chose someone unpleasant and extremely selfish, which made him more selfish. From that day on we were second best and he made this clear to us. I was single for a long time and suffering MH issues, I frequently felt suicidal and wanted my Dad, but he couldn’t be there for me in the way I needed. I understand that I was incredibly needy and abnormally so for an adult woman. Your mum isn’t going to change and you have to accept that you are going to be second to her husband now. It’s horrible, but stop trying to push at that door. Maybe don’t have them to stay so much, maybe you need some distance between you, but not a massive fallout. When my dad died 4 years ago, I didn’t even grieve that much, because I had been losing him
for years. Somehow you need to harden your heart to your mum a little, or else you will always get disappointed. Xxx

This one issue is not in isolation, it’s part of a long ongoing pattern for the OP, and probably whilst other situations have just been ‘let go’, as it’s Xmas and OP has lost someone she loves, her mothers response is magnified more. Have you discussed how her behaviour in certain situations upsets you OP? Maybe she isn’t aware and whilst obviously her relationship with her DH should mostly be her priority, maybe she can just sometimes make time for you and have some one on one time.

So her husband is working anyway and would only be alone for 2hs? I would definitely be there for my child if they needed me but I guess my situation is very different. My DH would insist I go to see my child but then he doesn't have a selfish bone in his body. I'm sorry for what you are going through and I'm sorry families can be so complicated.

He is a grown man, many people are alone all over Christmas because they have no one. She may be on her own one day and while I would never suggest turning your back on her just make sure she is no longer your priority. That might at least help you to feel like you are taking back some control.

I don’t have adult children, but I am an adult child. It’s been over 30 years since I expected my parents to put me first. Adult children expecting this from their parents screams arrested development, frankly.

Of course your children are your children until one of you dies - I don’t know what point you’re trying to make with this factual statement. If you mean to suggest that a mother or father must sacrifice themselves (Health? Fun? Social life? Money? Relationships? Peace of mind? Autonomy? Freedom to plan their days and holidays?) every single day of their lives from the moment they give birth to the day they die: I STRONGLY disagree. And frankly, if that’s what you’re doing as a parent, you’ve very badly let your children down. It’s a parent’s job to raise their children to be independent, self-sufficient, contributing adults.

Honestly, I think you have different issues here that you need to unpack. Firstly you have a very poor relationship with your mother. That isn't going change, in all likelihood. It's really not going to be what you want. As others have said , try to nurture other relationships so you have a support network for this sort of sad situation.
Secondly it's pointless asking her to drop everything to come to yours when she can't drive, it's Xmas so public transport is rubbish and she isn't going to be supportive. It's not going to be a few hours, it would have to be 2/3 days and I think you would drive each other mad.
I'm sorry you have lost a person who meant so much to you, perhaps it's time to make friends in the new year and not expect mother to be supportive. And stop being so agreeable to holidays by the sea.

Do you not have friends or other family members that you could have called on? If the person you lost was close family, there would presumably be mutual family members who are also grieving that you could offer mutual support. Reading your post above, about her history of selfish behaviour/being a narcissist etc, why would you rely on her? If she is as bad as you say, perhaps you need to focus on building stronger relationships with other people, friends and other family members, instead of clinging onto a relationship that is clearly unhealthy. I strongly suggest counselling to help you to be less reliant on her.

Well if she lets you down constantly, tell her how you feel and don t have much to do with her..

Disagree entirely.
Even when children grow up, they are still their parents child

It turned from two hours, to at least two days and the Mother spending Christmas unexpectedly travelling.

At what age can we not be expected to sacrifice ourselves on the alter of Motherhood? Especially when our child has chosen to move miles away, chosen to have pets that they can't leave, or travel with and chooses to stay single?
I'm possibly the same age as the OP's Mum and I've really needed the downtime this Christmas. OP you seem to see your Mum as either a service animal for you or her Husband, but she's a person in her own right, who is allowed to say no. She doesn't seem to want to, or can't do that, so uses her husband as an excuse.

Can you see theres a difference between what you have described and OP, where she has suffered a significant loss at xmas and not only will her mum not visit, but hasn't even bothered to call and check in throughout the day? I'd do that for my mum, for my DH, for my close friends. In fact, I was made aware of an acquaintance who was in a bad place and I visited them and checked in over Xmas regularly. It's empathy and consideration for others, not obligation.

Oh yes, mum should definitely have called or checked in somehow. Not given radio silence. I think one of my earlier posts said that. But OP started with “my mum is selfish because she won’t come to me right now because she doesn’t want her DH to be alone for two hours” to “my mum is selfish because she won’t come to me right now by public transport for three nights over Christmas, dropping all her plans, and I won’t go to her because I’ve got pets”. Those are different things. But yes, at the very least mum should have called to check in. That’s basic.

Sorry I do agree with this, it seems op wanted her mum to come and care for her, but doesn’t seem to like her dm much.
did she also know the person?

OP I’ve read your posts and I’m sorry to read how you e been treated. Perhaps don’t allow them to stay so much if they’re not there for you? They don’t sound like good people.

do you have any good/close friends you can lean on and then plan a nice Christmas with the friend next year?

sending hugs

Sorry but yes.

I think you are being unreasonable.

You are asking someone to stay overnight and leave their husband alone on Christmas Evening?

I am sorry for the bereavement, but if you do not drive you can really call the shots on people to be away from their immediate family.

she is married and you are an adult and cannot expect people to beat your beck and call especially at times like Christmas.
Best to collect your thoughts, and offer to get a train (is there someone that can feed your pet), or invite them for a New Year Meal.

I have a narcissistic brother so can empathise a bit.

After some horrible confrontations with my brother, I read up on how to deal with / have a relationship with a narcissist family member and the answer is generally "don't".

I'm sorry, but if your mother is a narcissist, she is unable to give you emotional support. If you keep expecting anything from her, you will carry on down what is clearly a path to extremely poor mental health.

I strongly recommend:

1. Minimising contact with your mum.
2. Being completely realistic that you won't get any type of support from her, or prioritisation. She is incapable of thinking of anyone other than herself and how actions will impact her.
3. Don't have confrontations with her. Keep things shallow and meaningless. Narcissists thrive on drama and will attack if you challenge them.
4. If you're not already, seek out a counsellor who can help you navigate the reality of having a narcissist mother and allow you to thrive. Her behaviour/ your relationship is likely to have affected you deeply.

My thoughts are with you, you should be able to rely on your mum, out of anyone in the whole wide world, and you've had the awful luck of being landed with a narcissist.

That was what made me wonder if it was a pet that had died, and not a person.

Am also thinking pet.