To Think this could be breaking point?

[Chefpig]

My mother has been with her husband for over 15 years now. There's been years of her putting him and his family first before her own family, as well as selfish behaviour.

This Christmas I have to stay home. I have always gone to hers apart from a few Christmases I spent with my ex and his family.

This Christmas her husband is working. I invited her to mine. I live 60 miles away and we don't drive so she'd have to stay the night. She stays often as I live by the sea. I'm never short of visitors usually. I'll be on my own, which she's aware of, but she's refusing as when her husband gets home he'll be on his own (from 7pm to bedtime which is around 9pm). Fair enough.

Today I unexpectedly experienced the death of someone very close. The day has gone by in a haze and I've been a mess tbh but I asked my mum if she'd come and stay seeing as I've had the bereavement and she has refused. She doesn't want to leave her husband alone for Christmas.

There's been years of selfish behaviour. Aibu to Think this should be the breaking point and the time I say no more to me not being a priority? I've seen no one today and will see no one tomorrow. It's fine as I chose to move away but I know if I had kids and they needed me, I'd be there in a heartbeat.

The hell is wrong with some of the people responding? “Husband comes first” “husband comes before pets”.

Your children come first. If your step father was halfway decent he’d be putting your mother on a train down to you to support you and offering to come down tomorrow to help cook or lend support, or giving you space to spend with your mum.

You’re right to feel deeply hurt by this OP, but it sounds like there are much more complicated and difficult things to unpack with your family, and when you’re grieving might not be the right time to do it. Are there friends you can see for support over Christmas? Other family members?

But that's an issue with your husband not your mother ....

But we don't know the history here.

We don't know if the mum is feeling well or if she has guests coming or if she's exhausted or if this yet another in a long line of dramas.

The story could be told very differently by the OP's mother.

Its hard to know without more info. I have a family member alone at christmas this year also due to pets. Ive invited them here but they want to bring the pets which just wont work with other guests. They asked me there but i want to be at home this year because thats what my kids prefer and for me, they come first. This relative is now attention seeking on social media for being all alone but they made their choices.

Im sorry for your loss BUT if you can prioritose having pets you need to stay at home for, your mum is also allowed to wamt to be at home for her husband. My children come first because they are dependent but when they are adults they, and i, will have our own lives and its not always practical or possible to drop eveything when things go wrong. You already asked her to come amd she said no. Im sorry for your loss but it doesnt mean your mum has to reverse her decision for an adult child. Can you reach out to your wider support network this time?

Where does it say that OP has a husband?

Of course. We only ever have the information from one perspective on MN. But crucially, no one who is suggesting that the husband comes first seems to have offered those theories. If we strip everything else away and all we know is that her daughter is grieving, could you fairly say that the mother’s husband should come first as default?

The sadness of being alone on Christmas seems objectively more bearable than the sadness of being alone and grieving on Christmas.

I'm sorry for your loss.
I couldn't imagine not being there for a bereaved family member just for the sake of my DH not being alone for 2 hours, I'm pretty sure my DH would be encouraging me to go and support them too.
Emotions will be very raw for you right now so I wouldn't make any decisions just yet. I can completely understand you being so upset though, it's valid and not selfish.

A priority? Are you under 18?

But the dh wouldn’t be alone for “just 2 hours” would he? The dm isn’t going to travel on public transport for a short visit is she? She’s said her dm would have to stay the night, and how much public transport is there on Christmas Day, so possibly Boxing Day before the dm goes home? What did you do with your animals the previous years @Chefpig ?

You're completely misusing that term

Yes

I’m kind of on your side OP except when you look at the logistics of not driving, as trains don’t run xmas and Boxing Day. She would have had to go to you today, then leave on the 27th? So it’s not really just leaving her DH alone for a couple of hours Xmas evening, which to me would be a no-brainer. A longer time seems a more tricky dilemma.

Thanks everyone. This is a longer issue of her selfish behaviour and her putting everyone first before me, especially her husband and his family too when they first met. Shes also a classic narcissist and very controlling. She always put me and my achievements down and punished me for daring to answer her back by having loud sex. Yep, that's my mother. She's tore down my looks and personality through the years. Looking back, there was and is nothing wrong with me. I'm hardworking, don't smoke, drink or do drugs, yet there was always something to have a go at me for. I was too fat, my hair was wrong, I was called a slut and she called me Buddha on a few occasions.

Oh and with public transport, she could've got a lift here today and gone home on the train boxing day.

So still away from her home for 3 days? What about all her plans for food ? do you have enough in to provide a Christmas dinner for 2?
Where was she having this “loud sex” to purposefully annoy you?
and to use a mn classic… do you even like her?

That’s not just 2 hours then is it

I know this feeling. It’s awful. Makes you question whether it’s worth existing. And having said and known and felt that, I can tell you this isn’t your mum’s fault and it’s not her responsibility to alleviate this pain or resolve this issue. You are both adults. She has taken steps to ensure she is someone’s priority and you need to do the same. You can’t appoint someone as the one person who puts you first. The person has to choose to do it, want to do it. She’s raised you, she’s done her part, you’re responsible for yourself now. Break off with her if that isn’t good enough for you - but be aware that what you’re asking for isn’t reasonable. You’d be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

She’s found someone to put her first after she fulfilled her responsibility to her child. You have chosen to put your pets first. That’s your choice. You haven’t sorted out a life for yourself where a human or multiple humans put you front and center. That’s not her job. You can’t dictate that other adults do that, you can’t make her rearrange her life to put your life choices ahead of her life choices. Do you understand?

So actually you wanted her to ditch Christmas with her husband and spend it with you (all last minute) because you want her to AND because you don’t want to leave your pets! Come one, surely you can see how unreasonable that is. You need to stop relying on your mother. Build you own life with your own friends and your own partner and a support system and healthy relationships. This is so, so unhealthy and ultimately self-defeating. You need to help yourself.

Sorry for your loss, but honestly if she’s so awful why would you even want her with you? If she’s a narcissist she won’t be able to offer you support, she won’t be able to give you care or let you have her attention. She’ll likely only make you feel worse by making horrible comments, putting you down and bad mouthing the deceased relative or dismissing your feelings. Your pets will no doubt be better comfort and support than she will be and I think she has done you a favour in saying no.

Thanks everyone. Your advice is appreciated. You know when you don't get the love or care you need and desperately crave someone, just anyone, but especially your mother to actually put you first and say everything will be OK? It never happens though. I'm fiercely independent but following the loss yesterday of someone I loved so dearly, someone I saw every single day of my life, I wanted one person to come over or to call and see how I was. No one did. Not even my mother. It was silence all day long. I considered just ending it there and then. The loneliness and isolation and just not being cared about is killing me inside. Not one person cares.

I'm very sorry for your loss but I do think expecting your mum to travel 60 miles and be away from home for 2 nights last minute is a bit much. It also wouldn't equate to her DH being alone for 2 hours of Xmas (although, does she have other company while he's at work?).
Bereavement aside, you already seemed annoyed she wasn't coming but if you are the one who moved away and got pets, you put yourself in that position! Are they not welcome with you at your mums?

Then why do you want to spend Christmas with her?

Youre an adult, why haven’t you established your own network of partner/kids/friends? It sounds like you’re still living under your mums shadow; you’re grown, you need to make your own life.

So, you lost a relative, someone you really cared about and saw every day...did this person used to put you first and this is what's making the loss even worse? A relative of your mother's? It doesn't sound like it. Anyway, leaving her husband to come home to an empty house on Christmas Day has ended up being a 3-day trip at the last minute so I'm afraid YABU. I understand you can't leave your pets so the only solution is to deal with the grief on your own - I don't mean to be harsh but, as an adult you should have developed some resilience and this is what you need right now. Do you have a friend that you could call tomorrow (not Christmas Day) and pour your heart out to? I hope you get through it OK 💐

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your mum is unkind and uncaring and has been like that since you were a child. I think you need to end the relationship with your mum as it is so one-sided and she obviously has never shown you any love or care. If your mum deliberately had noisy sex in earshot of you when you were a child, that is considered to be sexual abusive nowadays.

I'm sure when she and her husband want a free holiday by the sea, she may try and re-kindle your relationship, but don't let her do that.