Christmas at in laws and lack of allergy awareness

[Runnermumof2]

AIBU. We spend alternating years at family for Christmas. This year it is with In-laws. My youngest has severe allergies and carries Epipens. They haven't made any adjustments for his allergies and so far nearly everything hasn't been suitable for him or me to eat (I'm breastfeeding which they know) we've lived on bagels the last two days and I bought some chicken and rice yesterday as emergency back up which we've used up already . I'm kicking myself that I didn't stock up on more meals items (I've brought plenty of baby snacks that are suitable) We've already had one incident with crisps and are dealing with the face and neck arches at the minute. Then they were annoyed last night when I moved said crisps and peanuts onto a higher table away from his reach . There was a few under breath comments of 'i can't sit over there the tortillas are over here now'
I'm so nervous about Christmas day now. It doesn't help that when my MIL brought up the peanut allergy my partner told her it was totally fine and we "want him to have some exposure so his allergies don't get worse" which is true, but not particularly at Christmas in the middle of nowhere and quite some distance from a hospital.
Christmas dinner prep is underway today and I've been putting things aside, like plain pasta as everything seems to be getting cream and cheese and milks added to them and I'm worried I'll accidentally expose him . I don't really know what to do. They all know about his allergies and can physically see the effects of the accidental crisps incident, but don't seem to be bothered.
I feel like I'm letting my kids down :(
I also don't want to come across as 'difficult' constantly asking about what the food ingredients are and have been trying to sneak read the packets of anything that's bought in.
AIBU thinking that they would have been more considerate?

Yes they could be.

we had this.

unfortunately in the end we did have to both reduce the amount of data we stayed and we solely provided our own food.

I’m sorry, it’s really difficult.

we tried and tried to educate over many years.

This is a partner problem not an in-laws problem. Send them out to get enough safe food for the rest of your stay.

Does your partner believe in the allergies?

Your husband is standing by and watching this happen?

I would tell them you're clearly not welcome as there's nothing for you to eat, go home, and think about whether this man is good enough.

yanbu But giving them the benefit of the doubt if they’ve no experience with allergies and your dh has told them it’s all fine and you want to expose him then I understand their lack of attention to it.

I think you need to be explicit that exposure can’t happen on this trip, that you’re sorry but you’ll have to check packets and that you will keep these safe things for you and him.

Of course you are NBU

Your priority is your children’s health & happiness. Anything less would be letting them down.

I think you need to sit everyone down and be crystal clear about the allergies and the adaptions which need to be made. You can say “I’ve brought these foods for us, I don’t wish to cause you more work but this is a medical need we all need to work together to deal with”. Make it clear which foods should not be put within reach etc. And that this is a journey for all of you. Having a young child with extra needs is hard, you need their support not for them to make it harder.

And then if they don’t step up you know you need to make different plans in the future

If the allergy is serious enough for an EpiPen, what is DP going on about needing exposure?? Surely the doctors have given them instructions about this. How old is your child, what has happened in previous years?

You need to offer to provide food and cook. Breast feeding doesn’t need a special diet. I’d probably stay at home next Christmas.

YABU to stay there. Pack up and take your child home and be safe.

Allergies are unfortunately one of those things where people who have never had to live with it can be hugely inconsiderate, and think it's all just a big fuss. See also: ME/CFS ("...what do you mean you're not coming for the post lunch walk, a little walk will do you some good!").

So hard to have to advocate for yourself moment by moment, knowing full well what the consequences are, and that you'll be the one bearing them..m

You have my deep sympathies.

You and DH need to have a clear conversation with them because it sounds like your DH has totally muddied the waters.

I’d go home! It’s not safe for him to be there.

Stay home. I’d be tempted to go now. Contamination is a serious risk if epi pens are needed. It’s awful being dragged round to relatives during Christmas, I’m sure it would be far more relaxing to stay at home. Could you host instead if your dp/you really want to see family? Surely it’s less stressful for everyone to come to you? No dc and their stuff to drag round.

No it doesn’t, but you can’t eat the foods your breastfed child has anaphylactic allergies to!

Doesn’t the mum need to avoid the allergens if bf?

I bring my own food but families are aware of my allergies. If not I would stay at home. Not worth it.

Depends on the allergies.

I don't know why some people have a stubborn refusal to accept the risk of allergies, with an air of superiority.

Surely they would want your child to be safe, and you both to be well fed?

I'd be packing up the car.

You have a DH problem if he’s telling them it’s fine.

Maybe talk about the time when DC had a reaction, how scarry it was, what happened what the Dr's/ ambulance said. What consultants have said about using epi pen and when to call 999. So they have some understanding of the seveity of the situation. ( although not if this would bring up touch trauma, be kind to yourself). Is there a video on YouTube that they can watch so it's a third party explaining the seriousness of it!

This sounds very difficult - infuriating that they can’t seem to prioritize their grandchild’s health.

i have a nephew coming today and tomorrow with a dairy and Fulton intolerance (not allergy). It isn’t too difficult to get stuff in that he can eat- we are baking this afternoon and I have gluten and dairy free everything😊.

my parents claim it is too hard to cater for him so have nothing in he can eat when he visits them. So he doesn’t visit regularly, and when he does my sister brings all his food.

I am sorry but your husband is a dick. So are your in laws

They have had a confusing message from your DH when he has said not to worry about it and you want him to have exposure. Has anyone been straight with them and said the child is at risk of anaphylaxis and you don't want him around the allergens? Do they you can't have the allergens due to breastfeeding? I actually didn't know that so unless they've been told they may not be aware.

Go home. There's still time to whizz round a supermarket.

They may still think you are a fusspot but they will learn you mean it when you have a boundary.

I'm going to give you some straight talk.

You are endangering your child by taking him to where his allergies are ignored and he runs a high risk of exposure. He needs epi pens. He's at risk for anaphylaxis.

If I had a dollar for every grandparent that said I didn't know this would happen when their grandkid ends up in PICU because they chose to be assholes who expose them to their allergens, fuck.

Keep your kid safe. That is your legal responsibility as a parent.

There's already been one exposure. You're far away from emergency medical care. You need to learn some basic emergency care like putting in an airway and pediatric CPR. Are you comfortable with administering his epi? If he has a really serious reaction, his airway might close.

I think your ILs are being unbelievably unkind and not just a little bit stupid!

Catering for people with allergies is a bit of a ball ache but it’s not hard. BIL is allergic to sesame and sunflower seeds, I have bought him a plain packet of crackers so he doesn’t have to risk cross contamination from the multipack. I’ve done all my cooking with olive oil or butter.

Not really a drama at all!