Christmas at in laws and lack of allergy awareness

[Runnermumof2]

AIBU. We spend alternating years at family for Christmas. This year it is with In-laws. My youngest has severe allergies and carries Epipens. They haven't made any adjustments for his allergies and so far nearly everything hasn't been suitable for him or me to eat (I'm breastfeeding which they know) we've lived on bagels the last two days and I bought some chicken and rice yesterday as emergency back up which we've used up already . I'm kicking myself that I didn't stock up on more meals items (I've brought plenty of baby snacks that are suitable) We've already had one incident with crisps and are dealing with the face and neck arches at the minute. Then they were annoyed last night when I moved said crisps and peanuts onto a higher table away from his reach . There was a few under breath comments of 'i can't sit over there the tortillas are over here now'
I'm so nervous about Christmas day now. It doesn't help that when my MIL brought up the peanut allergy my partner told her it was totally fine and we "want him to have some exposure so his allergies don't get worse" which is true, but not particularly at Christmas in the middle of nowhere and quite some distance from a hospital.
Christmas dinner prep is underway today and I've been putting things aside, like plain pasta as everything seems to be getting cream and cheese and milks added to them and I'm worried I'll accidentally expose him . I don't really know what to do. They all know about his allergies and can physically see the effects of the accidental crisps incident, but don't seem to be bothered.
I feel like I'm letting my kids down :(
I also don't want to come across as 'difficult' constantly asking about what the food ingredients are and have been trying to sneak read the packets of anything that's bought in.
AIBU thinking that they would have been more considerate?

Because her breastfed baby is allergic to half the things you mention!

RTFT. It's not bloody difficult to understand.

It's not really more difficult to do an elimination diet and note the baby's reaction than it is to do one and note your own reactions.

Not tricky at all when they gave quite violent reactions. My son went from boiling eczema and projectile vomiting and screaming non stop to a happy clear skinned baby within a couple of weeks. The change was dramatic.
(And he was diagnosed through blood tests)

Wow. I have no experience of severe allergies but if I was told my dgc had severe allergies, I'd be taking a lot more care than they are! Do they literally not understand they could kill him?! I'm appalled at their attitude. YANBU.

My adult child has lived with allergies and carried epipens for these for twenty five years. Others in the room eating nuts and then handling items would be enough to give him a mild reaction (hives) if he touched an item they had touched and then touched his face. He learned to challenge adults and ask what was in things when he was still quite small. I took his own good to parties but it was appalling how many adults thought that telling him this treat being offered was special (insert name of item he could not eat) was a good idea. Perhaps it may help if ILs understand that once you administer the epipen the drill is then to take to hospital they will realise how disruptive their Christmas will be? Once there it's observation and quite a while to be sure. Sober person to drive, lots of disruption.

Your partner needs to understand how allergies work and that exposure to the allergens is more likely to create more sensitivity than reduce it unless it's under medical supervision. Food challenges take many hours in hospital with monitoring throughout. Hope you are somewhere you can relax soon. My own mother has just assured my son that 'she does not think' mini Stollen have nuts in them. At least adult son knows not to trust that sort of vagueness and can read for himself.

If you live near Leicester Royal Infirmary and can be referred there they are excellent in dealing with childhood allergies and eczema. It will get better. But your partner is going to have to lay off people pleasing on this issue. Hope you have a lovely rest of Christmas.

Yes we had quite a journey, but he touched some cows milk and it looked like his skin had been dipped in boiling water. Blistered up, it was awful ! So we knew then that is was dairy. We then were referred to NHS allergy clinic, but it was a 12 month wait list, so we went privately for allergy testing where he initially had top allergens on skin prick test , which came back highly positive on dairy, sesame and peanut. They then did the ALEX blood test, which checks for hundreds of allergens, their severity and the part of the allergen that is the trigger. That's when we also added in egg whites as well. He was restarted 6 months later and no change, so will be retested in 12 months time. He started the egg ladder, but failed first step on day 1 so taking a break before restarting the ladder. We were lucky to have the means to go privately, it's completely changed everything. I felt so guilty that I hadn't spotted which things were causing him so much trouble and our local Health Visiting team were seeing us weekly before we had our private testing because they were worried too.

Sorry, appreciate I've gone off topic here. But just to answer any of the questions that have come up and to help any other parents who might be in the same situation r.e. baby allergies.

Also to update. We have filled the car up with petrol and packed ready to go. Appreciate everyone's input on this.
Some comments also highlight that there's a big education gap when it comes to allergies and breastfeeding too ❤️

Just to give you some hope @Runnermumof2 that my son had multiple severe allergies as a baby but has out grown some of them now, so things can get easier (he's still anaphylactic to milk but can now eat eggs, soya,.wheat).

It's really tough parenting an allergic child and made worse by ignorance and arrogance from others

I feel your pain. DD is allergic to milk and soya, I'm breastfeeding so can't have either. I went to stay with my family for 2 days and every single thing they bought (extended family came too) and every one visiting bought was full of cream so not even hidden milks or soya, cream cakes, ice cream etc etc. I felt so awkward when everyone was eating and making a deal of me sitting there eating nothing. Thankfully DD wasn't weaned at the time but she is now. I will be taking all of our food next time.

I'm an epipen user. Anytime we went to anyone else's houses my mum had meals ready with us to stop all of this

I'm an epipen user. Anytime we went to anyone else's houses my mum had meals ready with us to stop all of this

Safe travels home and so sorry to hear you’ve been going through this. Fingers tightly crossed as have known a number of children that eventually outgrew egg and milk allergies (IgE). In some cases, as late as mid-teens. Your child is lucky to have you

Safe journey home @Runnermumof2 - not sure why you haven't set of earlier though?

I can understand your dp wanting to spend time with his parents, and I can understand some initial ignorance on their part, but what I can NOT understand is why your partner didn't speak to them on day one and make it really clear how serious this was and back you to the hilt in terms of checking everything, moving things from in reach, etc etc. Indeed, in leaving on Boxing Day as you should have.

You are NOT being unreasonable. When we have family with allergies over I won't buy anything with that allergen in or I make sure it's away somewhere where it can't be accidentally used.
These are people who are supposed to care about your child, who are supposed to put their needs first.
I would be packing up my stuff and going home, I also wouldn't be spending any important occasions with these people, your child wouldn't be safe with them.
Some of us in our family are lactose intolerant and some people don't take it seriously as they deem it not dangerous (which is frustrating) but life and death is definitely a different matter.

There are a few options...
A) allergy testing either through blood tests or skin prick tests but these only pick up immediate IGE allergies and not reliably in babies
B) detailed symptoms diaries, this is easier with immediate reactions where you see a difference in under 2h. My daughter has delayed allergies but still reacted to me eating beef in 20 minutes - I fed her immediately after eating it and halfway through the feed she started screaming. Delayed allergies can take up to 3 days to show symptoms
C) if you are unsure removing a food for a 1-4 weeks and then introducing it if you are still unsure keep a symptoms diary and vary whether you have the food or not.
D) other symptoms, you can have contact reactions. I had a friend who's son had a severe rice allergy and he reacted to her touching him having picked up a rice cracker.

My daughter has 20 food allergies most of which we identifed whilst breastfeeding, for many it was very clear that whenever I ate something 24h later she was always screaming and have horrendous nappies. These we removed and waited until we could do controlled reintroduction others we were unsure about and I had to remove the suspects and reintroduce them. For example she reacted whenever I ate baked beans at first I thought it must be the legumes so I removed them but didn't make much of a difference next I tested tomatoes she's seemed to improve so I tried to introduce them again and she reacted so I cut them out again once he symptoms subsided I tested if I could have small amounts of tomato and she reacted to even small amounts so they were removed again.
It took from 4 to 14 months to identify all of her allergies through carefully go through everything. Her allergies are delayed so don't show up on tests.

I think I'd just go home

Sorry I lost the quote I was replying too!

As a side note, get married. Taking about being trapped because ‘it’s not your car’ is not something that should happen in a family unit. It should be our car.

Honestly things like this make me wonder "what's wrong with some people?" Thankfully I don't know anyone with anyphalaxis reactions or severe allergies, but when my coeliac friend visits I make sure to have plenty of food in that she can eat, and to be extremely careful with cross contamination (chopping boards etc) - I'll cook gluten free meals so we can eat the same thing together.

If I invited someone with a severe allergy to my house, I would firstly find out all important information re that allergy from them and then plan a menu around that if they were comfortable, or buy pre-packaged safe food for them and provide a safe storage area for any food they want to bring. If you can't do that, don't invite someone into your home. Keeping visitors safe should be the absolute bare minimum you can do as a host.

OP I'm sorry you went through this and I'm glad you made the decision to leave early. Best of luck to you and your baby going forward ♥️

Your husband is an absolute cockwomble he's happy to watch his child in pain so he doesn't upset his parents ? I'd be packing my bags and fucking off if you dont advocate and protect your children who else will ? Allergys can and do kill will it take your child to go into anaphylaxis before they take it seriously?!

Because the child isn’t allergic to what’s in the bagels etc but is allergic to what’s in the cauliflower cheese?!

Wondering if dp is so blase about the whole thing he wouldn't even know how to use epi-pen in an emergency. He doesn't seem to be putting his child or breastfeeding partner anywhere at the top of his priorities.

I'd be going home myself, rather than risking a lonely trip to emergency while he and his ignorant family carry on enjoying Christmas at home.

Fish, egg, dairy and beesting allergies also require epi-pens.

Exposure therapy has to be done under strict medical supervision usually. Don't even know if its a thing now.

Breastfeeding does need a special diet if your child reacts to allergens through your breast milk - which is extremely common and how a lot if people work out their child's allergies