Christmas at in laws and lack of allergy awareness

[Runnermumof2]

AIBU. We spend alternating years at family for Christmas. This year it is with In-laws. My youngest has severe allergies and carries Epipens. They haven't made any adjustments for his allergies and so far nearly everything hasn't been suitable for him or me to eat (I'm breastfeeding which they know) we've lived on bagels the last two days and I bought some chicken and rice yesterday as emergency back up which we've used up already . I'm kicking myself that I didn't stock up on more meals items (I've brought plenty of baby snacks that are suitable) We've already had one incident with crisps and are dealing with the face and neck arches at the minute. Then they were annoyed last night when I moved said crisps and peanuts onto a higher table away from his reach . There was a few under breath comments of 'i can't sit over there the tortillas are over here now'
I'm so nervous about Christmas day now. It doesn't help that when my MIL brought up the peanut allergy my partner told her it was totally fine and we "want him to have some exposure so his allergies don't get worse" which is true, but not particularly at Christmas in the middle of nowhere and quite some distance from a hospital.
Christmas dinner prep is underway today and I've been putting things aside, like plain pasta as everything seems to be getting cream and cheese and milks added to them and I'm worried I'll accidentally expose him . I don't really know what to do. They all know about his allergies and can physically see the effects of the accidental crisps incident, but don't seem to be bothered.
I feel like I'm letting my kids down :(
I also don't want to come across as 'difficult' constantly asking about what the food ingredients are and have been trying to sneak read the packets of anything that's bought in.
AIBU thinking that they would have been more considerate?

They are not mind readers and your DH has minimised this and told them
its no big deal.

you need to sit the adults down and have a straight talk about this.

Yes its a PITA quite literally Im off to DMs tomorrow and im dreading it. She moans if i need the loo more than once. @AntiHop if this were me i wouldnt be going They clearly dont care about causing you stress as well as putting your child at risk.

My DS was the same. Every time I had dairy, we had the arched back, screaming, mucousy poos, not sleeping, miserable baby. Our consultant also told me to cut dairy out.

And he never had formula, so it wasn't that, whatever LLL may claim.

Basically you need a harsh talk with them now and get them to bin the peanuts at the very least. It’s absolutely not safe.

I feel for you, it is really difficult. But your partner has misunderstood- unguarded, random exposure is not going to improve your child’s allergies in any way - much more likely that the child has at best a skin reaction. We had some unpleasant experiences when my DD was small. Other people often don’t get it and until they do you need to supervise and check everything around your child.

Take care all of you x

It sounds like he’s minimised the problem. In the future I would be supplying an exact list in writing of what cannot be eaten at all along with a list of any intolerances (but can be traces) if applicable. State you will be bringing x, y and z substitutes eg dairy free milk etc, but shared meals cannot contain … (with comprehensive list). Is there any language issue? If so provide in their native language.

It sounds like he’s minimised the problem. In the future I would be supplying an exact list in writing of what cannot be eaten at all along with a list of any intolerances (but can be traces) if applicable. State you will be bringing x, y and z substitutes eg dairy free milk etc, but shared meals cannot contain … (with comprehensive list). Is there any language issue? If so provide in their native language.

My son has an Epi pen, there is no way the allergy clinic has told you to expose him to his allergen. This is awful of your husband and your in laws, severe allergic reaction is not a joke and I’m talking from experience. Let’s hope you at least can keep your child safe

My nephew is coeliac. We all just go gluten free when he visits as we really don't want to make him ill. Yes, it can be a pain having to check which cornflour or spices are OK (some brands are OK but some are packed in adjacent areas to things like flour and can be cross contaminated) but it's a small price to pay for him to stay well.

They have seen him react to crips and they don't care.
It shouldn't be this hard.

I'd go home op and give partner a talking to or address them all , see what they say and if you still don't feel you can trust them ,leave

How stressful for you! Get you DH to step up and explain it to them on repeat if needed.

Maybe read up on breastfeeding so you aren’t spreading misinformation.

We have non Epi pen needing allergies and I’d be tempted to go home if they can’t keep him safe. Emotion and temperature are more likely to make an anaphylactic reaction so he’s more likely to have a bad reaction and especially on repeated exposure.

leave

He's 16 months and we discovered his allergies at 6 months (ended up in A&E first week of weaning) So it's the first time we've stayed here with him. I think it's likely a mix of lack of understanding and not wanting to change their annual traditions too. I have tried to explain, but feel like I'm being the difficult one and not really listened to. Agree, we do need to go out and get more safe foods. We are supposed to be here for a week, but I'm not sure I can stay that long to be honest.

Yes definitely needs a strict diet for breastfeeding, super important.

Thank you ❤️

Yes , sorry . IgE allergies to Peanut, Sesame, Egg and Dairy. It's been a real journey the last few months.

Please be really really careful. I've known parents in law to sneak forbidden food to a child in order to 'prove' that an allergy doesn't exist. Absolutely despicable, but don't underestimate the power of the ego in some people.

Oh absolutely. I wish we could. We unfortunately travel significant distances every year as we don't live near any family on either side. This is a separate issue unfortunately. I wish we could stay at home and our doors are always open, but the families won't travel to us and we are expected to travel and I have cut down significantly the number of trips we make in the last few years and it gets very difficult when you have small children.

Introducing known allergens is a thing, yes but way down the line. Your DH has picked up a small part of something he heard a medical say/read on the internet and has downplayed a serious condition to your in-law's who it suits to disregard.
Luckily, you’re there to advocate for your child.

@Runnermumof2 that's sounds so difficult, especially at very start of weaning! I bet you are sick of people telling you that you should have introduced allergens at the start of weaning.
sounds like you need to 'feel unwell on boxing day and go home to safely

See if your DC is suitable for desensitisation treatment OP, it’s available in some places in the NHS and the earlier you start the better the results can be.

The families on each side are being unfair and unreasonable if they insist on seeing you and your family for Christmas but will never travel to you themselves.

Honestly, if you feel that your baby is in an unsafe environment, and you aren't getting help and support from your DH, I would go home. You can't risk your baby's health just to be polite to people that aren't polite to you.

I’m sorry Op but I’d leave now & go home. The risk is too great where you are. Fuck being rude or seen as difficult - you’re the only one keeping your DC safe. Good luck!

Yes we can get it privately, but not on NHS, I think this is where he has got his 'we want his to have exposure bit from

That’s very limiting for you and him!