Christmas at in laws and lack of allergy awareness

[Runnermumof2]

AIBU. We spend alternating years at family for Christmas. This year it is with In-laws. My youngest has severe allergies and carries Epipens. They haven't made any adjustments for his allergies and so far nearly everything hasn't been suitable for him or me to eat (I'm breastfeeding which they know) we've lived on bagels the last two days and I bought some chicken and rice yesterday as emergency back up which we've used up already . I'm kicking myself that I didn't stock up on more meals items (I've brought plenty of baby snacks that are suitable) We've already had one incident with crisps and are dealing with the face and neck arches at the minute. Then they were annoyed last night when I moved said crisps and peanuts onto a higher table away from his reach . There was a few under breath comments of 'i can't sit over there the tortillas are over here now'
I'm so nervous about Christmas day now. It doesn't help that when my MIL brought up the peanut allergy my partner told her it was totally fine and we "want him to have some exposure so his allergies don't get worse" which is true, but not particularly at Christmas in the middle of nowhere and quite some distance from a hospital.
Christmas dinner prep is underway today and I've been putting things aside, like plain pasta as everything seems to be getting cream and cheese and milks added to them and I'm worried I'll accidentally expose him . I don't really know what to do. They all know about his allergies and can physically see the effects of the accidental crisps incident, but don't seem to be bothered.
I feel like I'm letting my kids down :(
I also don't want to come across as 'difficult' constantly asking about what the food ingredients are and have been trying to sneak read the packets of anything that's bought in.
AIBU thinking that they would have been more considerate?

Yes totally. Though it took my husband a while to get his head round a nut allergy, I had similar frustrations. There is a lot doing the rounds on exposure to peanuts but this has to be medically supervised and having gone through this with my DD I would strongly recommend waiting for the child to be able tp communicate.

i may not have seen it but not sure on which allergies. If peanuts then quite straight forward to avoid. Of milk and eggs the much tougher

I have almost no experience with allergies. However, recently someone came to my house who could not have lactose or peanuts. So I read a few packets. I thought a little bit more carefully about what I made and that was it. It is not hard to account for someone's allergies.

They are out of line for not taking the allergy seriously. But your partner is even more out of line by telling them not to take it seriously and by not putting his foot down and making sure that you and your child are provided suitable things to eat.

breast feeding when a child has severe allergies definitely does - one of my relatives had no idea of her DC’s allergies and he was having all sorts of issues like severe eczema etc as she was eating these foods, which they only found out when she restricted allergens one at a time and reintroduced them to her diet.

It is her partner not her husband.

Her partner doesn't care, never mind his parents but she seems more annoyed at the ILs.

Her own partner is the most stupid here. Poor DC suffering when it could easily be avoided.

In your shoes OP, I wouldn't care what difficulties it causes, in future it makes far more sense for you to stay at home and have your own smaller family Christmas. If other people want you to travel, then they need to be TOTALLY onboard with dealing with allergies. Your IL's clearly aren't, and you simply CAN NOT put your child's life and health at risk. If you invite the wider family to yours for next Christmas, do it in plenty of time, and explain that you're not prepared to risk your child eating or being too close to something that could kill them, and the only way you can more or less guarantee their safety, is by staying at home, so they either come to you, or they don't see you. Then let them chew the bones out of that!

Did you read that her own partner doesn't care? He is happy to put his own child at risk.

I’m incredibly shocked that your Dh said that. That will stick in their minds because it’s what they want to hear. It’s really dangerous.

I have 3 allergies, perfume, seafood and latex of course MIL brings seafood to spread on toast. I mean could she just live without eating it. Mine is not as dangerous but I get awful hives. Sorry they don’t take it seriously.

Yes it does when child has allergies - they still react to the item the mum has eaten via the milk

Your partner is most unreasonable here!

but having cared for kids with allergies particularly the milk and peanuts ones people will be offering the kid foods fairly regularly and you cannot worry about being rude or ott. I raised my voice to a nice grandmotherly type lady at a toddler group who said “one biscuit won’t hurt him” still extending her arm with the food that would send him into anaphylactics over my protestations he has allergies cannot eat that. It was literally the only way to stop her! (That got back to his mother as apparently people were shocked I’d be so rude to someone just trying to be nice- she thanked me lol).

things are definitely better with allergy awareness than when I first started work with children. Particularly gluten and nuts. But milk is never taken seriously in my experience. limited experience and also with kids who get hives or diarrhoea tummy pain no anaphylactic thank god. milk/cheese slips through too often when you do not have full control of the food as it’s so common in so much food.

honsetly when you care for a kid with allergies you have to remember that when you know you are irritating others or coming off rude. You get used to it after a while.

It absolutely does! My son was very ill as a result of allergens passing into my breast milk

This. A silver lining of having kids with allergies is that I had to learn to be assertive. I never had that skill before

Mine knew from babyhood that they couldn't accept food from anyone other than their parents or a key worker

Honestly if he’s that allergic and they refuse to safeguard him I would just leave and go home. Tell them you do also require food so if they wouldn’t mind making just one or two things that you can eat that would be appreciated. Be difficult! It’s your child’s health!

She has to follow the same diet as the child with the allergies.

I’ve got two kids with severe allergies - nuts, dairy, various other things. One 17, one 11. Both carry 2 x EpiPens. To be very clear to your In Laws, your child could very easily die if they give your child foods they are allergic to or foods that contain things your child is allergic to - and milk derivatives, not just “Milk”, are in a lot of things - that’s even after dosing your child with both their EpiPens - they’re not a guarantee, they’re an emergency medication until a full ambulance/ crash crew can reach you. Do not get the idea that an EpiPen is similar to paracetamol if your kid has a fever. Allergen exposure to reaction to anaphylaxis can be very swift and you and your partner need to be on top of monitoring the exposure so you don’t use the EpiPen. As far as the “we want them to have a bit” - that’s bollocks without medical supervision, especially if you’re out in the sticks. I’m 7 miles from my nearest A&E, and I can tell you the 5 mins between me giving my 11 year old one of his EpiPens and the ambulance arriving two weeks ago was among the longest 5 minutes of my life and I was pretty confident the first EpiPen had worked and knocked down whatever he was reacting to. The 8 hours in A&E for follow on monitoring wasn’t much fun either.

She means that if she eats the allergy food her baby reacts … obviously. And lactation actually changes dietary needs quite a lot from different DRVs for calories to Iodene, calcium, magnesium.

I’ve been polite and just not eaten at the occasional single meal. I am an adult and know I can get food as soon as we leave.

my husband still speaks up and points out that his family didn’t make food I could eat.

you have a very young child and you are staying through multiple meals. This situation is ridiculous. Stop being polite. They aren’t being polite. They either need to cater for the allergies or you need to leave.

So they're his parents, yet it's you who is having to say things and check things, and he's told them it's not that big a deal basically. He needs to sort this out.

Sounds like your partner is the problem, telling them it was fine. I'd go home if you can't easily and safely feed your child.

@ManyPigeons Not necessarily the case. See other posts. If the diet is too restricted and older people cannot manage, cook for them. They, I assume, just want a standard Christmas.

They want a standard Xmas over their grandchild’s life? Must be real cunts then.

She’s said they’re not willing to visit her at Xmas and cooking /hosting from someone else’s house is difficult and bizarre.

His grandparents should be willing to eat other food to avoid murdering their grandson.

@ManyPigeons They won’t change though so take food for child/grandchild. It’s not that difficult! I’m feeling the stress of this and I’m not hosting the op. They need to sort out their own food and it’s not unusual to do that. I expect the dh is fed up and wants food peace. There’s always a middle way and both families could try and find it, but there’s a stand off. Neither is being kind to the other.

I mean this kindly OP but why are you being so passive and polite about potentially life threatening allergies? You’re being so meek about it, when you should be putting your needs and your son’s vital needs first! DH is hardly helping either! You must be starving. Please advocate for you both ‘FIL can you take out some mash before you add cream/butter so DS and I can eat it’ etc.

Poor DH is fed up of his son’s allergies? So that’s why he’s being so ineffectual?! Give me a break. I imagine the OP who has had to eliminate those allergens and is constantly checking labels and thinking about safe foods for her baby is also fed up.