Christmas at in laws and lack of allergy awareness

[Runnermumof2]

AIBU. We spend alternating years at family for Christmas. This year it is with In-laws. My youngest has severe allergies and carries Epipens. They haven't made any adjustments for his allergies and so far nearly everything hasn't been suitable for him or me to eat (I'm breastfeeding which they know) we've lived on bagels the last two days and I bought some chicken and rice yesterday as emergency back up which we've used up already . I'm kicking myself that I didn't stock up on more meals items (I've brought plenty of baby snacks that are suitable) We've already had one incident with crisps and are dealing with the face and neck arches at the minute. Then they were annoyed last night when I moved said crisps and peanuts onto a higher table away from his reach . There was a few under breath comments of 'i can't sit over there the tortillas are over here now'
I'm so nervous about Christmas day now. It doesn't help that when my MIL brought up the peanut allergy my partner told her it was totally fine and we "want him to have some exposure so his allergies don't get worse" which is true, but not particularly at Christmas in the middle of nowhere and quite some distance from a hospital.
Christmas dinner prep is underway today and I've been putting things aside, like plain pasta as everything seems to be getting cream and cheese and milks added to them and I'm worried I'll accidentally expose him . I don't really know what to do. They all know about his allergies and can physically see the effects of the accidental crisps incident, but don't seem to be bothered.
I feel like I'm letting my kids down :(
I also don't want to come across as 'difficult' constantly asking about what the food ingredients are and have been trying to sneak read the packets of anything that's bought in.
AIBU thinking that they would have been more considerate?

Yanbu
I would stop going there for Christmas
I have children with multiple allergies and I really sympathise. I lost all respect for my in-laws after they were really cavalier about the risks

I put YABU because you are letting this happen around you without any pro activity. It’s not for your in-laws to manage this - set them out a list, being food, get your DH onboard, make a menu for your kid etc. they can’t be expected to understand and know.

I'd sit them all down now and have a chat. Explain the seriousness of the situation and ask if some consideration can be given as you are miles from a hospital and don't want to spend Christmas in A&E.

I'd be so tempted to go home. Pick up some suitable food on the way before supermarkets shut and have a relaxing Christmas without worrying about allergies!

I'd go home if I were you, op. Keep your child safe

I'd be getting in the car and going home.

Why won't your partner say to his mother that your child has an allergy that could be life threatening and they must take it seriously? It seems like he's minimising and leaving you to do all the worrying / arranging of safe food.

Age and life circumstances have meant I no longer tie myself in knots trying to make others feel comfortable about situations that are bad for me or my child. I wouldn't be pandering to their feelings. Try to banish from your mind your fears of being a difficult woman. You are a woman. Therefore, any time someone wants to best you or make your feel small or less than, they will accuse you of being difficult. "It doesn't take much to be a difficult woman.."

I'd be furious at your husband and I'd be packing the car and taking my child home. (Without said husband, who can stay and be pandered to by his parents.)

It does if you're breastfeeding a child with allergies severe enough to need an EpiPen, which is how it reads to me.

This is so frustrating to read. I have allergies to numerous foods and my PILs insist on trying to put some of said foods into something every time we come to theirs. It makes me so angry.
Ifbits so much hassle to NOT do something or place allergens just out of reach why do they bother hosting?
In your situation OP I’d go home. I’m done with people acting like their desire to serve me a nut roast (which could hospitalise me) is above my desire to stay alive.

If she’s carrying an epi pen, I’m going to say something serious. When I do residentials, the epi pens are often for nut allergy sufferers, one child’s notes stated unknown allergen after anaphylaxis but serious so probably nuts.

People who don't have to deal with life threatening allergies day in day out, can forget about them. Has happened with my family and made me really angry. I'd go home you'll not be able to relax the whole time you are there.

Of course YANBU. Like others have said your DH has confused matters by saying it's fine and you want exposure. Are the in laws aware of the severity and the fact you have epipens? Surely due to the seriousness of the allergy any exposure would be done during a hospital appointment and they would be testing the reaction, not letting you do this at home for something that is known to cause anaphylaxis. I would be speaking to DH initially about why he is minimising it and then sending him off to the shops to stock up on safe food.

Honestly, id just pack up and go home. My child has multiple allergies, luckily no epipen needed but people make it harder than it needs to be when we visit, just no thought or understand how serious it is, it makes me cross.
I usually end up taking our own stuff to avoid the stress and then I know there are safe things to eat. But making an allergy free meal/day/weekend isn't difficult.
I dont think people really think about things, especially the breastfeeding, its hard but dont let it ruin your Christmas. Just smile, go home and have a safe christmas.

I'd go home if I were you. I don't think your child is safe in that environmment. Your partner sounds crap btw. He's basically given his mum the green light to ignore your child's allergies.

Them getting annoyed by you moving the problematic snacks away from your child makes them sound pretty horrible. You must be feeling so uncomfortable and stressed out by it all.

Go home. They are happy to endanger your child out of ignorance and stubborness. Do not leave yourselves trapped without access to safe food. There's also a strong risk of cross-contamination with this mentality.

(DS had multiple food allergies and extended family coped with label checking)

I just can't believe people do this!!
I don't have allergies and have a low tolerance for people who suddenly develop 'intolerances' but only in foods they don't like! or pandering to fad diets. But allergy is simple to understand surely! It medical and life and death. People are so scared of hair in foods, a slight bit of discolouration on a fruit or veg ect or other mild contamination, and perceived unhygienic things ( but not too health threating) but how can people be so negligent about allergy! Just shocked

It’s so hard op, almost as if they are all ganging up on you. Thank goodness your kids have you in their corner.

You have to be logical about this, you could say one more time that you need to be able to relax and therefore here’s what you need to keep your child alive and avoid drama, being very clear and explaining why what your partner said was wrong. But I think if this is not respected you are right to take the children home, as difficult as that would be.

is it possible for you to have a serious discussion with your other half and get him to do this? If not, you’ve really got a more significant issue

they are all being cunts frankly but I know what it feels like to be so unsupported and cornered. Deliver the information with confidence and a smile, they will all exploit your discomfort and anxiety as that’s just what happens in these situations. Might help to imagine you are their dr rather than a mother while you do it.

I’m sorry, you’re going to have to learn to be difficult. Your child clearly has a life threatening allergy. You HAVE to learn to question EVERYTHING, often twice! This is their grandson and they’re not concerned about his safety or comfort. If they can’t get “safe foods” in the house then they’ve no business hosting Christmas.

Epipens don’t always work! Allergies can get worse as well as better. I developed a gluten allergy as an adult. It’s got worse with every inadvertent exposure, now blue cheese gives me hives! (Apparently the mould is derived from bread mould!!)

I wouldn’t trust my in laws to keep me safe ( actually I wouldn’t trust my own parents!) because a) they’d not believe how serious it is b) they’d never read the labels of things in sufficient detail/understand what is I need to avoid (to be fair it’s taken me years) and c) it’s just too easy to cross contaminate

That’s not true. Allergic reactions to foods that a mother has eaten are not a thing. From LaLeche League: It has been estimated that if you drink one pint of cow’s milk, your nursing baby would need to consume about 2000 litres of your milk in one feed to ingest enough cow’s milk protein to cause an allergic reaction (12). These tiny amounts of allergenic cow’s milk protein can only be detected in breastmilk for a few hours after you drink cow’s milk. Similar findings have been shown for egg, peanut and wheat. When older babies who have started solids are given cow’s milk directly, it typically takes one teaspoon of milk to cause a reaction. (12) If your baby is having formula as well as breastfeeding, they are much more likely to be reacting to the formula than to your milk

OP, why do you think you need special foods because you’re breastfeeding? Presumably this is a toddler you’re talking about as they seem to be able to reach crisps and nuts. What specifically is your child allergic to?
I’m hosting my family tomorrow and he has a suspected dairy intolerance so I’ve just put small portions of things I’ve prepared in advance to one side. I’m pretty certain his parents will keep an eye in him to make sure he doesn’t eat things he shouldn’t.

Nope. https://laleche.org.uk/allergies/#needtostop

I have intolerances rather than allergies which developed when i was forty nine three years ago. Would you like to know how this can SUDDENLY come along. Because the drop in oestrogen can affect the gut microbiome. I also have no gall bladder which can cause BAM. Thats two reasons just off the top of my head as to why intolorances can develop suddenly. Can also be caused by medication including the Pill.

So my child had a dairy allergy. When weaning i could have a piece of toast 1inch squared with a bit of chocolate spread on it. Within 20 minutes of the next breastfeed she would have a rash, within an hour there would be mucus poos.....
The consultant told me to stop eating any dairy- and she now can tolerate cheese but not milk 5 years later.... She is also allergic to mustard.
So for lots of breastfeeding mums we end up giving up foods when breastfeeding....

Why isn’t DH getting you food in, standing up to them? Where is he in food prep?

I wouldn't have agreed to have Christmas in their home in the first place. By your own admission they live in a remote location. They don't (or won't) understand the severity of your child's allergies and accommodate same. To compound the issue, your partner sounds like a clueless, unsupportive arse.

Honestly I'd leave (the safety of your kid should come first, people's feelings be damned). However I realise how difficult that may be for you.

Good luck. 🍀

I'm talking about the oh I'm gultin intolerant or diary intolerant... ( absolutely fine, I haven't drunk milk since I was 7 and avoid very milky and creamy things). They make a big fuss at restraunt or before coming to someone's house decline to eat the adapted meal and them tuck into to cheese sandwich or cake ect
I know a few people who do have very complex dietry needs and they tend to bring there own food because they know it doesn't always make sense from other persons point of view.. well that's kind and understanding.
Gut health is soo interesting though! ( and annoying when it affects health negatively ! )