Christmas at in laws and lack of allergy awareness

[Runnermumof2]

AIBU. We spend alternating years at family for Christmas. This year it is with In-laws. My youngest has severe allergies and carries Epipens. They haven't made any adjustments for his allergies and so far nearly everything hasn't been suitable for him or me to eat (I'm breastfeeding which they know) we've lived on bagels the last two days and I bought some chicken and rice yesterday as emergency back up which we've used up already . I'm kicking myself that I didn't stock up on more meals items (I've brought plenty of baby snacks that are suitable) We've already had one incident with crisps and are dealing with the face and neck arches at the minute. Then they were annoyed last night when I moved said crisps and peanuts onto a higher table away from his reach . There was a few under breath comments of 'i can't sit over there the tortillas are over here now'
I'm so nervous about Christmas day now. It doesn't help that when my MIL brought up the peanut allergy my partner told her it was totally fine and we "want him to have some exposure so his allergies don't get worse" which is true, but not particularly at Christmas in the middle of nowhere and quite some distance from a hospital.
Christmas dinner prep is underway today and I've been putting things aside, like plain pasta as everything seems to be getting cream and cheese and milks added to them and I'm worried I'll accidentally expose him . I don't really know what to do. They all know about his allergies and can physically see the effects of the accidental crisps incident, but don't seem to be bothered.
I feel like I'm letting my kids down :(
I also don't want to come across as 'difficult' constantly asking about what the food ingredients are and have been trying to sneak read the packets of anything that's bought in.
AIBU thinking that they would have been more considerate?

^This.

Pack and leave.

It's better to upset them than to have a very very sick child because of them.

Get the Epi pens out on the side and run through how to use them with everyone. They should know what to do. And it might bring home how serious it is.

I do not condone the behaviour of the ILs but you have higher expectations of them than your 'partner'.

I'm kicking myself that I didn't stock up on more meals items - why couldn't your 'partner' do this?

Then they were annoyed last night when I moved said crisps and peanuts onto a higher table away from his reach - how did your 'partner' react when he saw this or you told him this?

I feel like I'm letting my kids down :( - do you not feel like the biggest let down here is your 'partner'?

These are the sort of people who think that vaccines cause autism. You can't argue with stupid. I would be reading my partner the riot act and also severely limiting my contact with these morons.

Yes but those same people also say autism and ADHD doesn’t exist and they are just badly behaved children. I was at school in the 80’s/90’s with a girl with extreme allergies. She couldn’t eat a lot of foods.

Is this a joke? Just go home and treat yourself to a divorce for Christmas. Your partner is a useless sack of shit, and is potentially putting your child’s life at risk.

I have a serious shellfish allergy and am currently at my in-laws for a week. They have all sorts of shellfish themed traditions for Christmas but when I’m here they just make something else. They tried having their usual things and keeping mine separate but the cross contamination was difficult and I just didn’t eat anything. So they adjusted. And I’m a grown adult with the ability to just go buy something else if I need it. Am sure they’d do anything to ensure my children were safe! This infuriates me.

Right now you and your partner need to get on the same page and then have a family sit down to run through exactly what is needed and how to keep your wee one safe. Your partner confused everything and you need to fix it. Or leave immediately. You cannot take risks when you are so far from help.

You can stay at home, or go home now, if you choose. You can choose whether to prioritise your child’s safety or not upsetting relatives. I know which I would choose.

Your partner is a fucking disgrace. He should be telling them and advocating for his chid, not helping to minimise the allergies and in the process making you look like you’re some sort of overprotective mother.

We’ve had this with in-laws although my partner was on the same page as me and didn’t stand for it. Being vocal is the only way to deal with it….respond to every under the breath comment, every time they make it seem like you’re making a fuss over nothing. Although personally, with no effort made to feed you and your child, I’d be heading home.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

What are the allergies? You need to step up and sort the food.

She is more annoyed at the in laws rather than at him for some reason.

Why can't the partner step up and sort the food? They are at his parents home.

Or him. But it’s the child’s parents responsibility. You can’t expect anyone to understand allergies if they haven’t got a child with allergies. It’s wreck by so many people having intolerances and therefore people don’t take it seriously.

of its life and death then you don’t rely on others unless you know they properly understand.

YANBU

I’d have gone for a shop on my way home. Fuck spending Christmas with these ignorant fools

Nope, fuck them. In future put your child first. I schlepped my kids across the country at Christmas and wish I’d put my foot down. In future you say “we’re staying put as it’s best for the child/ren, you’re more than welcome in our home”. If they refuse, that’s their choice but you’ve offered a very reasonable alternative.

I would make it VERY clear to your husband you won't be making this trip again as his family are literally willing to risk the health and life of your child and you are left starving when they host. How the fuck does he just sit there and let this go on?!

I'd also be packing up the car and going home tomorrow.

You neither to either go home or have separate meals.

My friend's parents fed their coeliac grandchild bread, and said it didn't do him any harm, and that the parents were being ridiculous. 🙄 The child had previously been in hospital because of his illness. People can be so fucking stupid.

Yes so why is the dad not bothered? Surely he would have been the one to have a word reminding his parents that they need to be mindful of the little one, making sure they keep food out of reach and even sending them a list of food to have in, or to say we will bring our own food. It's annoying the in laws aren't on board, but when the child's own dad doesn't seem concerned then it's not really surprising they underestimate the severity of it.

Oh, that's interesting, except completely at odds with my experience of having an exclusively breastfed baby with sudden onset of hives and facial swelling after an IgE reaction to breast milk where I'd eaten a banana. My baby at that stage was pre-weaning and had never tasted anything except breast milk.

He also had an IgE allergy to egg white diagnosed on blood tests, again at the pre-weaning stage where he'd never tasted any food.

I'm very surprised by the la leche information that it takes a teaspoon of milk to cause a reaction in children given even adults can have an anaphylactic reaction to less than a drop of milk.

I call bullshit. The water volume of a human body is ~45L. Around 85-90% of milk protein can be utilised by the body. Therefore if we assume a woman drinks 1 litre of milk and the protein is disseminated in 45L of total body fluid, approximately 2% of cows milk protein ingested in 1L of milk would be in a litre of breast milk (assuming homogenous distribution in body fluids) i.e. the equivalent of 20mls of equivalent protein content for every 1L of milk a baby consumes.

An IgE allergy (versus non-IgE) can happen with a drop of milk, therefore as per my experience IgE allergens can be passed on in breast milk and cause immediate reactions. Non-IgE allergens I suspect are what la leche are referring to, but this is also incorrect.

My daughter has a nut allergy (cashew and pistachio) and we were told to absolutely not give her any of these specific nuts. Dangerous and impossible to predict how serious each reaction could be. She got retested 2 years later and it was confirmed that it was likely to be a lifelong allergy. She did also have an egg allergy as a baby (but she could handle it baked in pancakes, cakes etc). Our allergist told us she would likely grow out of the egg and she was tested for this 2 years later and luckily she had and we were given strict instructions on how to introduce egg using an egg ladder. Maybe this is where the confusion is coming from on your husband's side. I know some children grow out of egg and milk but this all needs to be tested and under the hands of a medical professional. This all sounds so stressful OP and cross contamination could be everywhere. If it was us we would go home especially for a toddler who is putting their hands everywhere and in their mouth. Your husband needs to have a real serious chat with his folks. Epipens are only prescribed if there is a chance of a life threatening reaction so they need to take this very seriously.

Most people, unless they have allergies themselves or a close family member, are clueless regarding allergies and food intolerances, in my experience. Unfortunately, it means that they aren't taken seriously, and often people believe they don't exist or the person is simply fussy. Your husband seems to be downplaying your child's allergy, so his attitude isn't going to help the situation. His parents probably think you're overreacting and are overly anxious. You need a conversation with your husband, because it's very easy for food to be contaminated, especially if someone is preparing food who is not allergy aware. It's not your in-laws fault, they are simply ignorant and don't understand the seriousness of the situation. Your husband appears to want to appease his parents, probably so he doesn't upset them, but that's not helping your child or you.

Op I see you are protecting your husband here and not said a word about him. What father or parent allows this?? Shame on him

If it was me, i'd be going home if possible. I couldn't cope in that environment with not even my husband backing me up. X

Your not being difficult
I'd of fucked of home after the first incident
I certainly wouldn't be staying somewhere I was half starved at Christmas