Christmas at in laws and lack of allergy awareness

[Runnermumof2]

AIBU. We spend alternating years at family for Christmas. This year it is with In-laws. My youngest has severe allergies and carries Epipens. They haven't made any adjustments for his allergies and so far nearly everything hasn't been suitable for him or me to eat (I'm breastfeeding which they know) we've lived on bagels the last two days and I bought some chicken and rice yesterday as emergency back up which we've used up already . I'm kicking myself that I didn't stock up on more meals items (I've brought plenty of baby snacks that are suitable) We've already had one incident with crisps and are dealing with the face and neck arches at the minute. Then they were annoyed last night when I moved said crisps and peanuts onto a higher table away from his reach . There was a few under breath comments of 'i can't sit over there the tortillas are over here now'
I'm so nervous about Christmas day now. It doesn't help that when my MIL brought up the peanut allergy my partner told her it was totally fine and we "want him to have some exposure so his allergies don't get worse" which is true, but not particularly at Christmas in the middle of nowhere and quite some distance from a hospital.
Christmas dinner prep is underway today and I've been putting things aside, like plain pasta as everything seems to be getting cream and cheese and milks added to them and I'm worried I'll accidentally expose him . I don't really know what to do. They all know about his allergies and can physically see the effects of the accidental crisps incident, but don't seem to be bothered.
I feel like I'm letting my kids down :(
I also don't want to come across as 'difficult' constantly asking about what the food ingredients are and have been trying to sneak read the packets of anything that's bought in.
AIBU thinking that they would have been more considerate?

I’m not sure I agree, @crankycurmudgeon - I think people can educate themselves about allergies, and can use their emotional intelligence to imagine how scary it must be to have an allergy - especially a serious or life threatening one - or to have a child with an allergy. I don’t have any allergies, nor do any of my family - but I have a modicum of sense, and I can apply it to the situation. I also have the sense to ask questions, so that I understand an allergy properly, and can make sure I keep the person with the allergy safe.

Frankly, I’d do this for an acquaintance who was dropping round - never mind my grandchild or any other family member.

Sadly I think some people can’t be bothered to imagine what impact allergies can have - maybe I expect too much of people.

You absolutely can stay at home! If other people don’t come and see you then that’s their loss. Your child’s safety comes first, at least you will be in your own safe home and can eat suitable food rather than what you are doing now which sounds absolutely miserable and dangerous.

I'd go home. My child's health and safety is far more important (and should be more important to close family too) than them having to be a bit careful around food or hurting their grown up feelings. 🤷🏼‍♀️

My understanding is that being exposed to his allergen in the environment without oral exposure is not likely to help you. Building tolerance to peanuts means small oral exposures at frequent intervals, not random and uncontrolled exposures once in a while. Obviously you can't do small exposures at frequent intervals if he carries epipen, because of the risk. In practice, exposing small children to allergens via oral route usually means doing it BEFORE they show signs of being allergic. Once they are allergic, you have to protect them from the allergen.

Sorry, I know that's a bit of a digression from your point. Your husband is muddying the waters and is not supporting you given that you are breastfeeding and there's nothing for you to eat. If your in-laws want to see you, it's up to them to make you want to come there, not up to you to wear yourself out trying to keep your child safe while you bow and scrape to your in-laws' egos.

I had to deal with similar issues albeit my in-laws did try somewhat. But they also did a LOT of expecting ME to go to a lot of lengths to ensure my child was safe while also insisting we stayed at their house for multiple nights even though we lived less than 2 hours away and could have easily made just one day trip. But that wouldn't give the "family" atmosphere they wanted.

You're a mother now. THE mother, in this situation. It's ok for you to stand up for your child's right to have a SAFE and happy Christmas. And it's ok for you to stand up for your own right to have an enjoyable Christmas.

I think you should go home on boxing day OP and think seriously before visiting again, and agree a plan of action with DH beforehand, because at the moment you seem to be working against each other. I hope you get enough to eat tomorrow!

I think that if you have a child with allergies, disabilities, or a range of medical needs, you need to get comfortable being 'difficult' fast.

If people are worth being in your children's lives, they'll make the necessary adjustments to keep them safe. But as his parent, you need to be vocal about what those needs are and be ready to advocate for him if his needs aren't met.

Yeah this is what my GP said. Don't give up dairy and eggs, the amounts are too small to cause a reaction. She wasn't there to deal with the constant vomiting, reflux, stomach pain, sleepless nights, rashes and eczema, every single time I had dairy or eggs. Yes, only about 2% of babies have a serious enough allergy to react to these in breastmilk. Guess what, my baby was one of them. And other doctors in the NHS, who seem to have better training, agreed my GP did not have up to date knowledge.

But I had to ignore all these people gaslighting me to do what was right for my child.

Regardless, the actual allergens are around the house and these grandparents don't care about the wellbeing of their grandchild. I'd go home, especially given DH doesn't have your back.

I agree. It should be ur partner saying this.

I'd do this too. Your partner has let you down badly.

This.

You need to speak up and be his advocate. Sounds like your DH isn’t going to. And if that means you don’t visit because it’s not safe then you don’t visit.

Honestly they need to make the environment safe for him without question.

Ask would they leave a hot iron plugged in his reach? No? then they need to treat the foods the same. Yes? Then you know the answer.

Explain you will need to leave unless they can do this immediately.

I was fierce strict about this when dc were young. Apologise you hadn’t realised they didn’t understand. Acknowledge it is difficult. Suggest you try a visit another time once they have had time to understand the videos and info you will send them if they think they can make it safe and if not they are welcome to visit you.

I've put you are being unreasonable because if they can't respect allergies and are endangering your child, then I would have stayed at home.

OP, this is awful. I can't believe they would risk their grandson suffering for a bloody bowl of nuts.

Today I would go out and buy my own food. Tell your husband you will hold him responsible if your son has a reaction so he better be on his guard with him. Leave on boxing day or the day after at the latest.

I'd be going home.

We have dairy & coeliac issues here, so would muddle along as best as possible, but where severe allergies involving epipens were a real possibility , I just would not risk it.

I wouldn't give a toss who I offended, my DC would come first.

Thank you, yes. I think there can also be a lot of confusion between intolerance/ allergy - non-IgE Vs IgE . Apparently breastfeeding also reduces significantly the risk of developing an IgE allergy, I'm unfortunately not one of them 🙈 One child zero allergies, one child several. I definitely need a strict diet unfortunately anything I eat shows in him very quickly.

Also yes to add my GP was awful, has no clue. We have a specialist allergy consultant now (private as the NHS wait list was 1 year ! Eek !)

i would leave immediately. I know you said you’re quite a distance from home - did you fly to ILs or drive?

Wow your in-laws are arseholes!

Don't let them hide behind being 'old'. My wonderful grandparents are in their 90s and when my cousin got diagnosed with diabetes type 1 they always made sure they got her plenty drinks and food that she could eat.

Not having any safe foods for you or baby is very inhospitable and if I were you this would be my last Christmas there.

Don't let them hide behind being 'old'. My wonderful grandparents are in their 90s and when my cousin got diagnosed with diabetes type 1 they always made sure they got her plenty drinks and food that she could eat.

Type 1s can eat and drink anything.

I am constantly surprised by how cuntish some people are about allergies. They're not a new thing (my 75 year old grandmother had been allergic to strawberries since I can remember) and people putting their grandchildren at risk of harm should be charged with child endangerment.

My ex husband has coeliac's disease (not technically an allergy, but if he ate something with gluten in it he'd get really unwell) and apart from buying the wrong chicken sauce once (because I didn't think to read the ingredients) I managed to avoid giving him anything with gluten in it for the 12 years we were together.

DS had a mild CMPA that he's grown out of, but avoiding milk and checking ingredients is something I do anyway.

Unfortunately, people who don't have experience of it are generally quite ignorant about allergies 😕 all you can do is go out and buy a load of food that he/you can eat and be vigilant. Maybe cut visit short if it gets unbearable. Have a strong word with DH so you're presenting a united front.

I have a bad allergy to dogs, cats, horses, rabbits etc. Most people think you can just take an antihistamine and be fine whereas in reality being around animals can trigger a severe asthma attack and leave me feeling ill for weeks!

I wouldn’t be want to be staying there, I would want to go home

The bottom line imo is you are choosing to pander to relatives who believe the road only goes one way over the physical safety of your dc..
Give your head and dh's a shake.

i always think of this lady when I hear about Ignorant people not taking allergies seriously.

Show them the video and if they still don’t take any notice I would be pissing off back home. This is your child’s life ffs not a lifestyle choice.

Ige to eggs and dairy sounds like a nightmare. You need to have a stern word with your DH and ask him why not upseting his parents is more important than his child’s life.