I can’t stand being a full time step mum to the point it is going to cause my relationship breakdown

[Overthinker92]

When I first met my partner I had one child, he had one (there is 14 months between my bio from previous relationship and sc)- and I do not expect my partner to be paternal towards my eldest, they have a dad etc. I want to start by saying I love being a mum to my bio kids , so why am I struggling so much being a step mum ? there is no jealousy of my SC mum etc as they was never in a relationship. Background - my partner was a 50/50 dad when we met, we lived separately had our own space and then I found out I was expecting (unplanned) so we decided to move in together.
but then when I was around 8 weeks pregnant he got a phone call from SS asking if SC was with him and he was told do not return SC back to mum whilst they was investigating long story short until he got a court order in place to say SC lived with him etc they was on a CPP and they was not allowed to see mum unsupervised.
This was 2 and half years ago, there has been no contact at all now with mum for 18 months.
There is likely some trauma still there, as they display behaviours that are unusual some have now grown out of but some still there, but they was taken from their mum at 3 years old someone who they had lived with , missed , didn’t understand why they couldn’t sleep at mums etc so trauma is understandable. I have sorrow and empathy for my SC , but I just feel depressed, anger and resentment. Everything for them falls on me, dad works hours that don’t fit around having a child full time, he did say when I first brought it up that I was struggling that he would get a new job etc but then financially it would effect him, me and the kids especially in today’s life. SC even tried to start calling me mum and kept saying things like I called you mum then etc and it just didn’t feel right to me, it made me uncomfortable so I said to them i don’t think it’s fair on your mum to call me mum, as you still have a mummy and you will get to see her again one day etc. me and my partner, we do nothing but bicker, usually about his child/my child wars (joys of blended families) but I feel miserable all the time, I just want it to be me and my two children and if I had the money to do it, i honestly feel like I would just up and go. It’s not the child’s fault, but I just don’t know how to approach ending the relationship, like I can’t say it’s because I don’t want to be a step mum, but I honestly feel like the majority of my unhappiness is all down to this and they both deserve someone who can be that person for his child and that is not me. I don’t feel any maternal bond for them, I don’t feel any affection towards them, their behaviour irritates me, I just hate everything about it. Any advice on how to approach this? Thank you if you read all this. I needed to get it all out.

Maybe think about something special they can call you that isn't Mum but is special to them to reflect you're fulfilling that role for them? Mama, Mimi etc.

They're seeking that bond, if you can't provide it or really don't care for them then it would be better to address that.

I think you've probably not realised that trauma at that early age will come back to them repeatedly and show in different ways. They may not actively remember the issues with Mum but their brain will.

Discovering an unknown sibling would be a new trauma...

Your partner needs to get a new job and actually do parenting of his children. Why do you need to pick up all the slack? You are way nicer than me as l would have declined being surrogate parent to all of his children, l literally can’t think of anything worse

Women shouldn’t be expected to tolerate anything but they DO have an obligation as an adult to ensure the welfare of all children they are around - biological or not. That’s not a step parent thing - that’s a human being thing. If the OP or any other parent / step parent can’t help but be resentful in front of a small child then they shouldn’t be in their life.

A very young girl has lost her mother. That’s devastating for her and she won’t ever get over it. She needs to be loved not resented.

I’m the parent of an adopted child and I get it. The behaviours sound very familiar! Sadly, experience tells me that SS are about as useful as a chocolate teapot after the paperwork is signed, but tell them what’s going on and try and get school on board as well. Can I recommend “Reparenting the child that hurts” by Caroline Archer and maybe checking out some of the adoption threads? Your circumstances aren’t the same, but they are similar and I think you’ll get some good advice there. Best of luck OP x

Honestly, I would feel angry at myself for getting pregnant with a dad like that and I would struggle to accept the unplanned baby than struggle to love the poor stepchild. This is your own family now, you have to get over your immature and misdirected feelings. You chose this partner and to go ahead with this unplanned baby, there would have been signs that the stepmum was a questionable character and you chose to go ahead and date and have a baby with him. The only innocent ones I have sympathy for are the children. Your actions and choices have consequences, suck it up.

Of course it is bloody trauma - @Overthinker92 you said you had bio dad issues but were fine - I suspect because you had a mother who was there and a solid figure in your life

Her father works shifts and won’t change it, he won’t and never had prioritised her. She had a step sibling and two half siblings and has NEVER been anyones priority just seen as an inconvenience

so yes of course it is trauma and needs proper help and therapy rather than been labelled a naughty child.

Trust me very few would go through what she had without it

You’re conflating multiple issues here. No one is denying the step child has trauma due to her biological parents. But regardless, it is not specifically OP’s responsibility to sort out. OP isn’t a medical professional trained in trauma. If she wants to end the relationship, she can. There’s no need for the pressure that you and others are piling on to her. The child is not entitled to anything from OP. If OP doesn’t feel comfortable with the responsibility of fixing the trauma (or whatever bollocks you envisage her duty is), OP is being sensible to leave.

if you don’t want to be a step mum then ask him to leave your home. But in his shoes I would be expecting him to break the relationship up. If he doesn’t and he still has a relationship with you and sees your children it looks to his daughter like she is the problem and she is NOT. He needs to split with you and parent all 3 kids equally. That’s the only reasonable solution.

It's absolutely trauma op. Learning about 'trauma' and its ongoing effects on kids is a huge undertaking. It's a huge, and really misunderstood, thing.

Please don't underestimate the effects of this on your sc. You don't get over early childhood trauma of this kind. It stays with you and affects your behaviour and personality in so many ways throughout your life.

It's a full time job to educate yourself and put into practice everything you learn.

But- their parent should be doing this. Not you. At the end of the day this is not your responsibility, you can walk away.

But if you choose to stay you need to do some research for yourself alongside your dp. Not be left to do it all on your own.

I cannot understand this view point at all. There is a small child at the heart of this. If the OP is unhappy she needs to leave because it is in the best interests of a child who has already suffered severe trauma. As if is, she’s openly resentful of the child.

Your struggling then dp need to change jobs, parent more and suck up financial consequences

At this point OP I think the best thing for your DC and SC is for you to part ways. Focus on your DC and career and let DH/partner step up and parent his own child. She sounds like she needs counselling and support.

I was a lone parent for years, only recently blended (after 7 of being in a relationship but having separate houses with his DS20 and my DD16 having reached a decent age and good relationship) …I can tell you that living on your own with DC is way better and more peaceful than the current hell you are putting yourself and all DC/SC through.

Hi op now that bio mum has a new child and ss not took this one away why can’t you start introducing visits for sdc? You need to think about this because this kid is traumatised and probably confused her mum who she can’t see can keep her new baby but not me. Could you handle that? Tell your dp it’s time to get bio mum involved as you can’t be her mum and if this isn’t going happen anytime soon you will move out to for your bio kids sake and if still wants a relationship fine if not then that’s his choice. Bio mum needs to step up now.

How informed are you on child abandonment? It is extremely harmful for children. How she's behaving is normal. Can you get hired help to help with childcare or cleaning?

You need to have a serious talk with your partner. Given the abandonment, he needs to be a bit more present in her life.

i expect if the op leaves, the child’s grandparents may take her on as I get the impression that this man will not even consider leaving his job to do women’s work. And that may very well be the best option for everyone.

You need to have a serious conversation with your partner around how you need him to be around more to care for his abandoned child. He can’t leave it all to you. If he does, you’ll leave. What will he do then? He needs to put that in place now so you’ll stick around.

Why does this obligation only ever consistently fall on women?

Ok, I understand. It must be very hard when you’ve been in a similar position to your stepchild and you didn’t cause any issues growing up. That makes a lot of sense why you’re feeling the way you are.

The truth is, she isn’t your biological child and you don’t have to feel maternal towards her. I say this too as a product of a step child/parent relationship where my SD treated me like one of his own.

Sending some solidarity OP as I can see through your posts how hard you are struggling here and there is no magic answer. Your partner needs to understand how you are feeling. The parenting needs to come from him and you need to feel respected and appreciated in your own home.

This is what the plan was for over Christmas but as there is a risk things might fall apart again with it all being relatively new (BM only back in contact with her parents etc) who will be supervising , we was trying to protect them from extra trauma until we knew BM was going to stick to it, apparently this similar situation happened with one of her other children before SC was born (something which my partner never knew anything about until all this happened) so we was worried reintroducing contact without a strong stable period of consistency with new child the risk would be to great for BM to have contact and let her down again in a few weeks , as when it first all happened there was a lot of trauma behaviours that have stopped for over 18 months. So was worrying about it starting again.

How many children does the bio mother have?

And I do ensure her welfare and needs are met and until recently supported in ever way I could until this behaviour started for me but no one else. Yes she lost her mum but it’s not permanent.

You are incredibly flippant about this situation sh didn’t lose her mum her mum either decided she didn’t want to parent her or was such an awful parent she was taken away. That isn’t losing her at all

No it really isn’t because as I said before I assume the OP had a strong parental figure

this child has a useless father and an absent mother it ISNT the sam

No she wasn’t well and wouldn’t accept the help services was trying to give her, just pushed people away, something which I believe with the correct support and help wouldn’t have come to this, we would of always supported her, But sometimes when people are unwell they don’t see past it through the struggle.

I don’t know what you are on about as I haven’t read what you’ve said previously.

I haven’t said it’s the same?