I can’t stand being a full time step mum to the point it is going to cause my relationship breakdown

[Overthinker92]

When I first met my partner I had one child, he had one (there is 14 months between my bio from previous relationship and sc)- and I do not expect my partner to be paternal towards my eldest, they have a dad etc. I want to start by saying I love being a mum to my bio kids , so why am I struggling so much being a step mum ? there is no jealousy of my SC mum etc as they was never in a relationship. Background - my partner was a 50/50 dad when we met, we lived separately had our own space and then I found out I was expecting (unplanned) so we decided to move in together.
but then when I was around 8 weeks pregnant he got a phone call from SS asking if SC was with him and he was told do not return SC back to mum whilst they was investigating long story short until he got a court order in place to say SC lived with him etc they was on a CPP and they was not allowed to see mum unsupervised.
This was 2 and half years ago, there has been no contact at all now with mum for 18 months.
There is likely some trauma still there, as they display behaviours that are unusual some have now grown out of but some still there, but they was taken from their mum at 3 years old someone who they had lived with , missed , didn’t understand why they couldn’t sleep at mums etc so trauma is understandable. I have sorrow and empathy for my SC , but I just feel depressed, anger and resentment. Everything for them falls on me, dad works hours that don’t fit around having a child full time, he did say when I first brought it up that I was struggling that he would get a new job etc but then financially it would effect him, me and the kids especially in today’s life. SC even tried to start calling me mum and kept saying things like I called you mum then etc and it just didn’t feel right to me, it made me uncomfortable so I said to them i don’t think it’s fair on your mum to call me mum, as you still have a mummy and you will get to see her again one day etc. me and my partner, we do nothing but bicker, usually about his child/my child wars (joys of blended families) but I feel miserable all the time, I just want it to be me and my two children and if I had the money to do it, i honestly feel like I would just up and go. It’s not the child’s fault, but I just don’t know how to approach ending the relationship, like I can’t say it’s because I don’t want to be a step mum, but I honestly feel like the majority of my unhappiness is all down to this and they both deserve someone who can be that person for his child and that is not me. I don’t feel any maternal bond for them, I don’t feel any affection towards them, their behaviour irritates me, I just hate everything about it. Any advice on how to approach this? Thank you if you read all this. I needed to get it all out.

I wish people would think more before involving their children in their romantic lives. The number of my friends who now say how badly affected by they were by their selfish parents bringing new partners into their home 😢

Thanks everyone - I’ve looked at it from all sides and it’s actually interesting how many people are commenting as though it’s something they would never consider when they haven’t been through it so can’t even imagine how it would be for all people are involved. There is also a lot of threads past and present on here and Facebook that has been beneficial with people in a similar situation.

The child has a lot of support from all family grandparents both sides aunts uncles etc more so than most and are not without love. I’ve spoke to SO and told him it may be best to get SC back into therapy again to see if there is something going on that’s triggering the outbursts and behaviours as yes I may be the adult but Mh and a happy home for everyone is my priority and if that’s not all together then that’s the way it will have to be. Regardless of if my bio children haven’t had that start in life, it doesn’t mean they won’t be affected by household dynamics going forward.

OP, there's no saving this. Your OH is a useless fucker and I don't blame you for wanting out. I also don't blame you for only loving your own kids, that's what parents are hardwired to do. The only thing I will say is that you should make as clean a break as possible. It isn't on you to look after your stepchild or to facililtate a relationship between them and their half sibling (ie your child) but you should be clear and it should be you who moves out. Your OH is spectacularly useless.

I quite agree. I get that single parents want a bit of life but keep it away from home and don't become so involved that another child is brought into the equation and you end up living together.

Warning for all - steer clear of someone with a child or children.

Come on @Overthinker92 ! "If there is something going on"? What? Like, it's Christmas, they're not seeing their mum, their mum has a new child that lives with them all the time, the children they do live with have their mum, their dad is never around and leaves them with their step mum all the time?

At last you have said, "He". All the theys and thems (along with the 'was' instead of 'were'), was very confusing. At times it sounded as though there were several stepchildren and yours is one boy! You have bio children who are girls and are not used to boys, fair enough, but he is still a child.

It's good that you are working, that gives you some independence. In your place I'd be looking at Rightmove and making shortlists, you'll find a way to afford it if you really want to.

Next time you have a boyfriend make sure you don't become pregnant, belt and braces if necessary and you keep separate homes.

Good luck.

Dad I would hope?
You can't expect a step parent to love their sc more than their own parents do, do you?

God, what a mess.

Your partner 'wasn't in a relationship' with your SC's mother - so what, it was unprotected sex with a casual fling that brought your SC into the world?

Your SC already has several siblings from their mother and now another one, less than a year old? Your SC's mother is continuing to have children with randomers when she can't cope with the ones she already has. It sounds incredibly chaotic.

Your partner, who already had a child through poor contraceptive choices, then proceeded to have another accidental pregnancy with you, who also has a child from a previous relationship to throw into the mix.

So you've got three kids here, all of whom are connected to chaos as a result of the poor decisions both of you - you and your partner - have made.

Whether you like it or not, this is your shit, and you've got to be an adult and sort it out. Your partner is useless in not being around and not dealing with stuff - but you voluntarily entered into this and so can't absent yourself from responsibility.

Have you truly not got the imagination or empathy to understand why your SC's behaviour is as it is? Your SC is traumatised. They are very young, and in that time, have had their mother taken from them, a new mother given to them who doesn't like them, two new siblings in two different homes, one of whom they don't see, a step-sibling they now live with all the time, and the promise that 'one day' they'll be able to see their mummy again but they don't know when. Can you imagine for a moment what on earth this must have been like for a small child to experience and process?

This poor child's emotions must be all over the place, because their life is literally in chaos and they are not old enough to understand why all of this change and upheaval has happened. They are 'acting out' (hate this phrase) because they are scared, unhappy, confused, unsettled, and desperate for some security, certainty and consistent love. Something they've never had.

I appreciate their behaviour will be challenging. But you signed up for this when you decided to enter into a relationship with a man who already had a child. They came as a package.

It sounds to me like you are not committed enough to this relationship to want to make it work, and so I would advise you leave before you inflict any more trauma on this poor child.

I’ve been in a similar situation to you. Although contact returned much quicker, supervised contact came after six months and it has since returned to 50/50.

It was difficult, I remember when SS phoned thinking that I didn’t know how we would make this work, but that I couldn’t let the kids go back to Mum. It was a weird mix of feeling protective but also not feeling maternal. I have never felt maternal towards them and I very much went along the lines of what you have felt ‘you have a mum, I’m not here to be that, I’m an extra adult who can support, listen and guide’.

The challenge is that the children still looked for a mum figure. They still need and want that. They are, I think, very young, they’ll be confused and they won’t understand. Don’t be afraid to give some age appropriate context, has anyone explained why this is happening to them?

We did do that, in very clear and basic terms, mum/mum’s family didn’t help by making it a victim/blame conversation but I subscribed to the idea that when they went low, we go high, and that I wouldn’t be drawn down to their level.

The two things that I can honestly say helped.

1. Treat them as you would your own kids. Don’t perceive yourself as unable to dish out boundaries, praises or consequences. As step parents we tend not to take up our space as ‘parents’ but the reality is that children see you as a caregiver and they have expectations of how you will respond. You’ve openly said that you didn’t feel a bond and I felt similar, but I created moments where we could at least try. From baking together, to playing together, and the things that come with that ‘instructions of how to do something’ or ‘warnings not to do something’ it really helped because we then had time together that we enjoyed. Start really small. We started with playing the Floor is Lava for 15-20 minutes. Enough that the energy is lifted (and released) but not so much that it descended into chaos. I would, given I think that they’re still young, go with a very simple rewards chart, and make a big fuss when something goes well. We did this as a mechanism for pocket money, and for them to then go out with Dad and buy a treat. So it’s not just the ‘behaviour’ straight away that’s being rewarded but it reinforces the idea that you then receive positive time at the end too.
2. You need your partner on board. I don’t think ultimatums in this situation help because it’s already a massive headache, I remember the day we received that phone call from SS and the subsequent calls with legal advisors and then court. It was awful. But he needs to go in the same direction. If a child misbehaves, they need to back you - whether they are here or not. Dad must reinforce the same messages you are putting out. Dad must correct the same behaviours you’re receiving. So I would sit down with him and say, I need these things from you in order to make this work.

In terms of the other children, if they are older and more capable, buy in their support. I sat mine down and said ‘actually we have these problems, I need to support Jonny in the morning so I need you to set an alarm, get up for school and make your own breakfast’. The eldest did it, relieving a bit of morning stress that enabled me to be elsewhere. They also gained more autonomy and independence in the process and felt more ‘capable’. Make sure you reward it, but remember it isn’t about neglecting them it’s about supporting them on their own journey to be their own person. Here, they do enjoy being helpful.

I would stress, Dad’s willingness here is crucial to making it work. If you don’t have it, it won’t happen. And the only outcome at that point is to let it fall down. At the end of the day, you’re doing something that’s twice as hard as most typical families, and that isn’t often talked about.

There isn’t a handbook or instruction guide for being a step parent, the role is not defined, the space you’re meant to take up isn’t obvious and you have many people who will heap criticism on you for being selfish or for overstepping. You can’t do right for doing wrong, most of the time.

Go slowly. Trying to do it all won’t work, trying to be everything to everyone will leave you a shell of a person.

Most of all, drop your standards. If that child is safe, fed and watered, some days that’s enough. And that’s okay, that’s one better than they were when you took on the responsibility.

There’s no point just giving stepchild therapy when he has a stepmother who isn’t bonded with him, an absent father and has lost his mother. The situation is extremely fucked up for the child, so it’s not your fault how you feel, but that child needs to feel unconditionally loved in their home and for that reason you need to leave or engage in good quality family therapy/parenting coaching (as a couple obv)
it really upsets me when people talk about giving a child therapy when the setting they are in is so far from ideal, simply putting the child in therapy implies that they are the root of the problem. I would say the situation is the root and this child is being let down by all 3 adults, you because you are sharing their home while feeling resentment towards them. I absolutely understand you are trying to do the right thing and wish I could give you a hug, but you need to get out of the way for this kids sake or work out how to bond with them, and dad needs to step up and prioritise the child rather than work.

I don’t know if they know the new child lives with them, they just know they have a new child which is something I managed to keep them from finding out for over a year, unsure how it all came about it wasn’t until the was telling me a few weeks back about their new sibling I found out they was aware. Her other siblings don’t live with their mum they live with their dads aswell. But grandparents facilitate contact with them all regularly so I think this may be how it’s come to light. SC isn’t without love in fact yes they don’t have their mum but they do have more family and support round them including dad when he’s not working than most.

Im getting crosser and crosser at the people shouting at the op on behalf of the child.

yes, absolutely, the poor child.

but this isn’t her child. The two people to blame are the step child’s mother and father.

should she really be subjected to the next twenty years of misery?

as a mother of nearly adults and also a teacher, I am well aware that I’d rather eat my own shit than become a stepmother. And so I don’t date men with kids. The op had one easier toddler when she started dating this man. She wouldn’t have known yet how bad it would be. And for that one mistake, she is now responsible for this poor abandoned child?

But you've said "everything for them falls on me". How is that not him failing as a parent?

Can you not see the issue here...theybare only loved by extended family and dad who is never there.

You don't have to love them like a mother. But you should love them and show that you love them. They are 5 ffs. They need affection, care, compassion and you are absolving yourself of any responsibility for that. Like a niece/nephew or your best friends kids.

Can you not see how you are contributing to this????

FFS you have set his child aside, made them feel "other".

This is squarely down to you! Given the child was so young when you became the default parent in loco, you should never have made the child feel different.

I'm not surprised the child is acting up and defying you. When they chose to call you "mum", they were reaching out and you knocked them back, dismissed their needs. You could have gone with the flow, gone with the childs feelings. Relationships evolve but you put up a distinct barrier within the family, creating a separation, making them different. You haven't shown empathy or kindness. You've made it all about you. But I agree you have a DH problem.

Now I think stepchild is a girl and op's bio children are boys; I previously got the impression it was the other way around.
I think we all need a lie down after this.

I was on contraception when I got pregnant with my youngest, I wasn’t planning having any more children due to difficult pregnancy / labour with my eldest. Also I have said they - them - he - were - was as I don’t want to pin point the sex of any of them which is why I have posted on an anonymous page rather than posting it from who I am. Also this is a 5 year relationship not just a boyfriend - it’s only the last few months that have become difficult , for the people who know what we have been thorough in real life, we have defeated all odds of staying together and thought the hard bit was over but sadly it’s now resulting in behaviours that I haven’t experienced before so don’t know how to manage. Many people who know of the situation in real life and more detail have said they couldn’t do it. Yes his child has been through some awful trauma being separated from BM, but there is also other children who’s wellbeing needs to be considered.

Whilst I agree somewhat with what you are saying there was going to be a chance they was going to be seeing their BM over Christmas, so I didn’t want any more confusion for them. To go and see them and come back, when the bio siblings tell them we aren’t her real mum/siblings etc

@Overthinker92 you need to go. You are adding more trauma to that poor SC.

It's awful that you can't open your heart to them when they clearly are desperate for you to do so.

You have to go.

As you have a job op, why doesn’t he be a sahd and you be the earner?

I do hope you feel better after writing it down. While I don’t blame you for feeling how you feel, I wonder if you could perhaps try and open your heart to your SC. Maybe connect to your SC by visualising what it’s like for them. Do you have any childhood traumas or memories on how you’ve been rejected or abandoned? I often think when you have a tough reaction, it’s because you’re dealing with an inner hurt. I am sure you’re tired and fed up with your life but I do think you need to work on compassion for yourself and others in your family.

And as I have said multiple times, I did open my heart , I tried , I helped them though the trauma, supported them give them the support they was missing, had 1-2-1 time anything I did with bio children they was involved , anything I for bio I did for them, I treat them as much as my own as I could, so why the sudden acting up? This is what I’m trying to understand , for 4 years it’s was fine so why now is this happening ?

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing. Your issue isn't with the SC. Your issue is with P. You are parenting 3 kids alone while he works hours that don't fit around being a parent. You feel that everything galls to you. That makes me wonder what exactly he is doing while he is at home. How is he supporting the family other than financially? He should be doing more than just paid employment. Stop focusing on SC and start focusing on P and what they need to do to support you and his w kids.

You could look at leaving. What financial support would you get if you left? Check a nenifit calculator.

You're putting too much pressure on yourself to have "overcome the odds" without realising that the odds will continue into SC's adulthood.

This isn't a complete story, you can't 'win'. Drop the facade and admit to people in real life that you and your SC are not coping.

Your SC has known about their new sibling for an unknown amount of time and you and DH didn't know they knew. Communication is really falling down and it seems like a very small child is feeling pressure to hide things. You all need help with this, at the moment you are papering over the cracks to present a happy family.

I went through it all with my bio dad, but I didn’t disrespect my sd or cause problems in the family dynamics etc. this is what I’m struggling to understand when they first went through it all I was very understanding took a good year to 18 months to get into a good place with support nature it was hard but we did it, so why now the last 6 months has things changed. Maybe it’s normal behaviours of a child that I’m just not used to. I just know that all children need a happy home and happy parents. I just know I can’t go through it all again what has already been through 2+ years ago.