I can’t stand being a full time step mum to the point it is going to cause my relationship breakdown

[Overthinker92]

When I first met my partner I had one child, he had one (there is 14 months between my bio from previous relationship and sc)- and I do not expect my partner to be paternal towards my eldest, they have a dad etc. I want to start by saying I love being a mum to my bio kids , so why am I struggling so much being a step mum ? there is no jealousy of my SC mum etc as they was never in a relationship. Background - my partner was a 50/50 dad when we met, we lived separately had our own space and then I found out I was expecting (unplanned) so we decided to move in together.
but then when I was around 8 weeks pregnant he got a phone call from SS asking if SC was with him and he was told do not return SC back to mum whilst they was investigating long story short until he got a court order in place to say SC lived with him etc they was on a CPP and they was not allowed to see mum unsupervised.
This was 2 and half years ago, there has been no contact at all now with mum for 18 months.
There is likely some trauma still there, as they display behaviours that are unusual some have now grown out of but some still there, but they was taken from their mum at 3 years old someone who they had lived with , missed , didn’t understand why they couldn’t sleep at mums etc so trauma is understandable. I have sorrow and empathy for my SC , but I just feel depressed, anger and resentment. Everything for them falls on me, dad works hours that don’t fit around having a child full time, he did say when I first brought it up that I was struggling that he would get a new job etc but then financially it would effect him, me and the kids especially in today’s life. SC even tried to start calling me mum and kept saying things like I called you mum then etc and it just didn’t feel right to me, it made me uncomfortable so I said to them i don’t think it’s fair on your mum to call me mum, as you still have a mummy and you will get to see her again one day etc. me and my partner, we do nothing but bicker, usually about his child/my child wars (joys of blended families) but I feel miserable all the time, I just want it to be me and my two children and if I had the money to do it, i honestly feel like I would just up and go. It’s not the child’s fault, but I just don’t know how to approach ending the relationship, like I can’t say it’s because I don’t want to be a step mum, but I honestly feel like the majority of my unhappiness is all down to this and they both deserve someone who can be that person for his child and that is not me. I don’t feel any maternal bond for them, I don’t feel any affection towards them, their behaviour irritates me, I just hate everything about it. Any advice on how to approach this? Thank you if you read all this. I needed to get it all out.

What job does he have? Without details I don't think it's fair to comment. If he works 8-5.30 or something that is pretty standard. You mention if you had the money you would leave, so I assume him working also provides your household with income so it's not like he is just going out working for fun.
While also saying you would leave with your two children you need to remember one of them is biologically his too. He had a 50:50 arrangement with the other child previously before being given full time custody so it's likely he would want this too with your shared child. I actually feel sorry for the SC in this. It's not their fault they are in this situation.
If you don't want to be with him then you need to work out a plan to leave rather than continuing in a relationship you feel is going nowhere. There are plenty of single parents out there who manage and may be able to offer advice on sorting finances and what you might be entitled to.

Poor child- the only one who has no power at all. Mum has abandoned them, dad has little time for them and you resent them. Honestly, just leave. Dad needs to work himself out and how he takes on the active role of father. The longer you stay, the worse it will be emotionally on the child. They know that they are not loved. You do need to consider that this is a half sibling to your younger, who will probably want to know their sibling as they grow older.

As you also have a child together, you could simply leave and dwell in separate abodes but continue the relationship, but dad would have to step up at his end. That might reduce your resentment. But if you really believe nothing will change how you feel, then separate completely. This child deserves a stable life.

Unfortunately this is yet another case of a person inappropriately getting involved with a person with kids, and not being truly 'all in'. Though I accept you were making reactive decisions following an unplanned pregnancy.

When you move in with someone with kids anything can happen. It's not just about the person. It's, do you want the whole package?Because all sorts of things could end up necessitating that the kids become a full time job rather than a 50/50 or 20/80 whatever the current arrangement is. It is wise to get to know the children and work out if you can tolerate them before a drastic decision like marriage or moving in together. Not liking other people's children is not wrong, but the child/parent relationship is absolutely sacrosanct and should come before your feelings about the person.

As it is, your situation is truly horrible. Because you will be depriving your co-child of a full-time together home life by splitting.

I suggest you have a honest heart to heart, explain that neither of you really planned for this eventually, and it's all become too much for you and you need him to either take on more responsibility and see if that affects how you feel, or you fully go your separate ways. Children know when they're resented, and this child's behaviour will likely start to reflect that over time.

Good luck whatever you decide. It's a tough one.

Poor, poor child. They deserve so much better than this.

The fact that the child even exists.

Honestly, posts like this infuriate me. Why even get involved with him?
Stupid people and stupid ‘blended’ families.
Get a job and get out, but try and minimise the damage while you do so.

This is a small child. You need to either tell your partner to change jobs or leave.

Agreed.

Also, he suggested changing jobs. Perhaps that should be tried first?

Have you heard the phrase nanny with a fanny?

That's what you are to him. Free childcare.

Leave.

Poor child! None of the children involved here have choices, whereas the adults involved did and do. I think your choices are to commit to being SC's mum - that's the reality now, the chances of his birth mother pulling it together aren't high - or leave the relationship, though realistically everyone involved will still be in your life a lot given the shared child. I think its worth you really thinking through that last point - in a sense none of these people are going anywhere. I'd start with a really blunt conversation with your OH.

You need to split. This is not fair on the SC.

Also I wonder how much this came out of the blue? Mothers don't go from Perfectly Good Mother to hardcore SS intervention overnight usually. My guess is your OH especially should have guessed this could be on the cards. These threads always end up being an OH problem really

That's a bit harsh

She didn't mind it when the parenting was 50/50 when they got together she just didn't expect to be looking after them 100% of the time which is fair enough

How did your partner manage the 50 50 arrangement before you moved in? Does he spend time with the children when he's doing the parenting, rather than letting you take the lead in it? Do you work? Looking after 3 children is hard without a break. If you dont, id consider going back to work so partner can reduce hours and take on more at home. It may help your relationship with sc if there's more balance.
You say you're depressed. If you haven't already, maybe you should see your doctor. Its very hard to look after others if you're suffering with depression.

I feel very very sad for your stepchild, and it doesn't sound that emotionally your're in the right place to help them at the moment. I hope you're not placing all your resentment on them when it really should be focused on your partner, who isnt stepping up for family life. The blending of the family doesnt sound like it's really happened, for example you say you dont expect him to be paternal towards your child from previous relationship.
It sounds very confusing for all your children to be honest, with both adults acting towards each child differently. Something needs to change.

Do you work? Does your DP pay for everything? Who owns the house you live in?
You say he offered to change jobs to be more present but you can't afford that, so if you split up how do you expect to pay for your share of everything? How would a relationship between this child and their half sibling work?
Someone else's child is not your responsibility but I am just so grateful that my stepfather didn't think like you, and I feel so sorry for the child.

I think more context is needed surrounding exactly how much your DP does for both sc and your shared dc. Like a PP has mentioned if he is working a standard 40 hour week I don't really know what more he can do. I assume you all, like others need that wage coming in? Is there a possibility of you going back to work and he stepping up to do more of the parenting side?
I do feel like your sc will pick up in the resentment here whether you hide it well or not, children are susceptible to even subconscious thoughts and actions. I hope you sc has had help to deal with all he/she has been through.
Whilst I understand your feelings, I think greater depth if attention needs to be paid to the impact on this child from all of this and perhaps you could even reframe it so that this about them, not you and that your feelings are impacting the child, that's not fair so something needs to change. Would you be happier OP.if he did more parenting or are you done? What's this really about?

The poor child. I feel so sorry for her.

That’s wrong because when it was 50/50 there was no issues with me being a step parent what I am struggling with is the behaviour now it is full time and everything falls on me. SC mis behaves for me, doesn’t listen to me, acts out doing things which they know they shouldn’t do, and constantly tries to get my bio child in trouble, and as a result of this is causes dispute between me and DH, which are all problems that didn’t happen for the first few years before it became full time.

@Overthinker92how old is your sc now?

Op being a step mum is really really hard. Being a full time step mum is even harder.

If your sc is 7 you have a long time ahead of you and you really need to considder how the resentment is going to affect you long term and the relationship you have with your own DC.

Your partner needs to step up but working full time can be tricky around children. Naturally if you don't work and you are a 'family unit' I can see why the child care of sc has fallen to you.

I think you need to have a very brutal and honest conversation with your partner, but ultimately even if he steps up and does more with child you will still be in a family unit with the sc and maybe that is something you just can't come to terms with.

It's a very situation but you can't live your life feeling the way you do.

Thank you everyone for insight on both sides. Just to add when it was 50/50 there was no issues with me being a step parent what I am struggling with is the behaviour now it is full time and everything falls on me.
SC mis behaves for me, doesn’t listen to me, acts out doing things which they know they shouldn’t do, and constantly tries to get my bio child in trouble, and as a result of this is causes dispute between me and DH, which are all problems that didn’t happens for the first few years before.
To the people who asked his work is shift work so can be different each week. It’s strange because everything is okay for a period and then when SC acts out for no reason it then causes a really unsettled household environment which results in everyone being effected.
I can manage to live in separate households but not sure if this would result in the relationship breaking down anyway.

In reality I imagine your stepfather wasn't lumbered looking after and parenting you for most of the time...

OP, your poor stepchild is suffering - almost certainly from attachment disorder (you say, “they display behaviours that are unusual some have now grown out of” ) which is hardly surprising as they have been ripped from their own mother, and in their own little way are trying to establish a connection with you by calling you ”Mum”. I know you find it irritating, but try to imagine being them - you are suddenly removed from your own mother, the most important person in your life, and your DF is notable by his absence. You’re with someone who has two of her own children, and you’re the cuckoo in the nest - and must be painfully aware of the fact. If you as step parent now withdraw yourself from this DSC, just how abandoned will they feel? Is your relationship with your DP OK other than that you resent him for not taking on more of the childcare of his own child? You do know that if you leave him, you will walk straight into another situation where you have two DC by different fathers, and will meet someone new who may well also have children, and be setting yourself up in a situation that becomes ever more complicated? Have you considered counselling to establish why you feel antipathy towards this DSC, who has done nothing other than behave like a child? They deserve love and affection, and are desperately trying to make you love them calling you “Mum” is trying to get you to behave like a mum and care for them like a mother. Clearly, you need help, and you need to speak to someone about how to get it. Family Lives (0808 800 2222) offer a free helpline - maybe start by speaking to them to see if they can point you in the right direction. I’m certainly not trying to say that any of this is easy.

I think the best solution is either to split households again or just split up. I understand why this is so difficult for you, you had no qualms about being a stepparent but obviously didn’t see the situation with his mum arising. It isn’t fair that the parenting almost always falls on you full stop, for your shared child as well.

"..we was...". You was, was you ? :-). Honestly, I counted at least three times.

Do you not like the child, op? I get you are not his or her biological parent but one can still like somebody else's child and I would have thought, being there is only.a year between the child and one of yours, could be cared for alongside the others without too much difficulty. Poor kid.

I agree your husband needs to step up but you've explained that his work does not permit and he needs his job or at least a job that pays the same. I take it you don't go out to work yet.

It would seem to be best all round for you to split up, go it alone; get a job and look into ways of achieving that, However your husband may find someone else who will be step-parenting your child at times. If that happens I hope she doesn't feel as you do.

Look at pace trauma informed parenting and ask social services for support. We had incredible training on supporting children's development after trauma and this was the heart of it. You're right. Bits of their brain are undeveloped due to their experiences at a young age leading to the behaviour you describe. They need trauma informed therapy and parenting to move into a more rational calm state. It's not easy or quick but there are tools and techniques that can help