I can’t stand being a full time step mum to the point it is going to cause my relationship breakdown

[Overthinker92]

When I first met my partner I had one child, he had one (there is 14 months between my bio from previous relationship and sc)- and I do not expect my partner to be paternal towards my eldest, they have a dad etc. I want to start by saying I love being a mum to my bio kids , so why am I struggling so much being a step mum ? there is no jealousy of my SC mum etc as they was never in a relationship. Background - my partner was a 50/50 dad when we met, we lived separately had our own space and then I found out I was expecting (unplanned) so we decided to move in together.
but then when I was around 8 weeks pregnant he got a phone call from SS asking if SC was with him and he was told do not return SC back to mum whilst they was investigating long story short until he got a court order in place to say SC lived with him etc they was on a CPP and they was not allowed to see mum unsupervised.
This was 2 and half years ago, there has been no contact at all now with mum for 18 months.
There is likely some trauma still there, as they display behaviours that are unusual some have now grown out of but some still there, but they was taken from their mum at 3 years old someone who they had lived with , missed , didn’t understand why they couldn’t sleep at mums etc so trauma is understandable. I have sorrow and empathy for my SC , but I just feel depressed, anger and resentment. Everything for them falls on me, dad works hours that don’t fit around having a child full time, he did say when I first brought it up that I was struggling that he would get a new job etc but then financially it would effect him, me and the kids especially in today’s life. SC even tried to start calling me mum and kept saying things like I called you mum then etc and it just didn’t feel right to me, it made me uncomfortable so I said to them i don’t think it’s fair on your mum to call me mum, as you still have a mummy and you will get to see her again one day etc. me and my partner, we do nothing but bicker, usually about his child/my child wars (joys of blended families) but I feel miserable all the time, I just want it to be me and my two children and if I had the money to do it, i honestly feel like I would just up and go. It’s not the child’s fault, but I just don’t know how to approach ending the relationship, like I can’t say it’s because I don’t want to be a step mum, but I honestly feel like the majority of my unhappiness is all down to this and they both deserve someone who can be that person for his child and that is not me. I don’t feel any maternal bond for them, I don’t feel any affection towards them, their behaviour irritates me, I just hate everything about it. Any advice on how to approach this? Thank you if you read all this. I needed to get it all out.

It's normal for SC to act up. They are a child. They have experienced trauma. They don't have a mum or dad who is present. They want to be connected to you and might feel you've rejected them by not letting them call you mum. They may feel a bit othered. They won't have the ability to process it all. Poor thing needs therapy, understanding and a lot of love. Your P needs to be more present.

Thank you , yes we aren’t sure when they found out about new sibling but can’t imagine it was hidden for a while as there was no issues within the household prior to the last few months. We regular spoke about BM when they wanted to etc so I think they would have said.

I have brought up a troubled child myself @Overthinker92 , different in that it was my own. I have done a fair bit of playing at happy families over the years, but we are and always will be a troubled family (for want of a better term).

My younger DC have such a stable foundation with 2 parents in comparison to my eldest. Face up to it now to avoid a lot more trauma later.

Haven’t read the whole thread but did read your posts. Stepmum here.

1. Your partner needs to change jobs now. If it impacts the family financially so be it.
2. He needs to be present when SC need parenting. That means being free all the time SC isn’t at school, or you use holiday clubs.

You sound very caring and compassionate especially to SC’s mum. What you need isn’t unreasonable.

How would your partner have coped if this had happened before he met you? He would have been on his own having to raise his child by himself.

He's got you now and is just leaving you to get on with it and deal with it all alone.

YANBU to tell him you cannot do this for any longer and that the most serious damage is almost certainly being suffered by his child.

Yes, you will be poorer as a family but he has to change job/hours and be far more involved in your family life.

Being abandoned by his mum isn't going to be something that he deals with once and all is ok

As he grows and his understanding changes - especially his understanding that most other children have their mummy in their life and he doesn't - his actions, and reactions, are going to show and change.

I was brought up by my grandparents due to my parents neglect (they were drug addled alcoholics) and the points at which my parents abandonment impacted me included when I made a new friend and they had a mum and I had to explain that mine wasn't around, when I had a new teacher, every mother and Father's Day, Christmas, my birthday, when I had to explain to new partners or well meaning new friends, explaining to work colleagues, when I was pregnant, etc. I had a lot of therapy on and off through life and that allowed me to work through it well.

The fact he had some rellies who love him won't make up for the fact it will feel like nobody loves him enough to be his mum.

Wondering what all these jobs are that are family friendly and pay well and where they can be found? Genuinely interested as the job market where I live is dire, and it really isn't easy as change jobs like many people suggest and competition is high for everything.
This thread suggests he needs a more family friendly job but is that possible? Working between 9.30-2.30 (so he can be involved in school drop off and pick up) and earning a wage that supports a family with 3 children? Also then with a large holiday entitlement so he is home during school holidays.

It irritates me so much how many people (men and women) get into relationships with people who have kids and only think about their relationship with their partners. If you're going into a relationship with a single parent, it is sensible to ask yourself whether you're willing to be a second parent (and in some cases, the only parent) to their kids. If you're not willing to do this, please do those kids a favour and stay out of their lives. Yes, you are coming into their lives and not just their dad's or mum's, as so many people clearly forget.

In OP's case, the only person I feel for in all this is the SC. This is not "the joys of blended families", it's the 'joys' of parents who only think about their love for each other. Then, when reality hits, they're not up to the task.

OP, please do your SC a favour and walk away. You, dad, and mum have not been fair to SC at all, for different reasons.

I must say this, YANBU to feel the way you do, but YABU by staying simply because you cannot afford to leave. In other words, you're only there because it is more convenient for you. The child does not deserve that, and partners do not deserve people staying with them because they cannot come up with any other option.

You cannot change how you feel, so do what is best for all the kids involved, not just yours.

Haha look how you have just made up a story of why my first marriage broke down, nothing to do with being single and my own “selfish” needs , we went through something that many marriages and relationships would fail to pull through from , something which If I wanted to talk about would be part of the post , I also said my ex was a great dad not man. I am also form a broken home so yes I know exactly what it is like and don’t know what an unbroken home looks like. And you clearly haven’t seen the comment were I have said SC has more family support than most, the only person they don’t have is their mum. And no I Believe my partner should step up etc I am not making excuses for anyone but as I said he works a lot and the only way he could do that is by leaving is job and finding a normal working hours job. If I do make excuses for Anyone it’s usually the SC BM I make excuses for as I struggle to process why you wouldn’t fight for the children you do have before going on to have more.

I have worded this wrong I can afford to live on my own, I just been the start up of getting a house/furniture etc together this is my house so I will be leaving them with everything if things don’t change.

Get the fuck out and put your own child and their needs first.

Out of interest if one of your biological children was upsetting the household would you move out with just the children who were nicely behaved and abandon your biological child? If the answer is of course I wouldn't then you don't treat your step child just the same and there will be an underlying emotional current that they are subconsciously aware of.

It's really hard to read your replies, it is clear that you just are not able to see the world from your step-child's point of view. Maybe you could access some childhood trauma education type courses?

I feel so sorry for the step child. All she wants is a mum and you rejected her. You don’t get with someone who has a child unless you are prepared to accept that child as your own

2 options. First is you separate. Leave sc to their actual parents to sort out.

Second is you stay together but with a huge amount of therapy and support.

There is no easy 3rd option where sc suddenly starts falling neatly into line.

Your step-child has so much to deal with. You and your partner can't manage it by yourself. You need professional help. I

'm not sure keeping their new sibling from them was the best thing to do for example. I don't know if they should be able to call you mum if they want to. I have no idea how you best re-introduce the mum when the time comes.

You need proper help in how to help sc find a way through all this. I have no idea where you'll find this help right enough, it's easy to say you need it but very hard to find. I know.

Having said all that, it's for sc's actual parent to put the work in here. To read about attachment issues and early trauma. There is no easy fix. It would be kind if you felt you could take this on but you don't have to. You can walk away.

Or. They could swap roles. He be the sahp. She be the earner.
I have raised this a few times with no response.
so I’m guessing the op is flat out no way to this, on account of the fact that it’s her child who would now have the absent parent…

Do you not see the correlation there between the behaviors and the fact that they started this when they were removed from their mother? That this stems from the trauma of loss and rejection on top of whatever has happened in order for the mother to not be allowed unsupervised contact.

Do you not see that your SC is misbehaving and trying to get your bio child in trouble because they are craving love affection a sense of belonging and stability in a safe environment?

they want you to love and care for them the way you do for bio children.

they are probably behaving this way because they feel so utterly rejected by you, their bio mum (yes through necessity but the child won’t understand that - theyll
just feel rejected) and also their dad because he is always at work.

that poor poor child. Try to put yourself in their shoes…. Just for a minute and think how they must feel. Or how you would feel if your child was put in that situation.

what work have you and your DP done to make this child feel safe secure and loved? What age-appropriate therapy has this child had for their trauma? what family therapy have you had together?

How old was SC when you told them they couldn’t call you Mum even though they obviously wanted to to feel like your family. Imagine telling a small child they can’t call you mum whilst your siblings do.

Your posts are unclear. How old are the children, how many hours do you work, how many hours does DP work?

Same here. They hear their half siblings saying ‘mum’ but they’re not allowed. My heart breaks for this child.

Well you need to stop comparing apples with oranges. Your eldest has a brilliant dad. Your SC has a dad & a distant mom. Kids aren’t stupid they know when they’re not wanted. As for your comment my kids never behave like this. Maybe true but i guarantee they aren’t saints either. No child is.

hes a boy you have girls. They are different. Girls tend to like more peaceful endeavours, boys need more physical outlets. He needs to be run out. My daughter could take or leave a park, my son needed it. He needed to run & play & burn off his energy. Being couped up all day if it was raining would be a very difficult day for us all. Maybe you could suggest some after school activities for him. Get him into football.

The kid is 6? Nobody needs to be a SAHP.

If OP had said the kid called her mum, there’d be dozens of posters saying it was wrong and cruel and unfair to the real mum. She can’t win.

Hmm. It’s a big mess from your Stepchild’s point of view.
Definitely worth some sessions with a family counselor.
I think the best option for the step child and general family dynamics might be to let the child call you mum and feel properly integrated into your family unit. I see what you’re trying to do by insisting you are step mum and child’s mum is the only one they can call mum but from the kid’s point of view it’s just been too damned long and they feel abandoned by mum and insecure with you. Could you be ´Mummy Jane’ or something? The child needs to be clear on the actual ins and outs of their parents and parental figures and various siblings but they are asking to call you mum because you are the one consistently parenting them day in day out. The jealous behaviour towards your kids might calm down once your step child feels more secure in your household.
Can some serious changes be made so there is less day to day stress on you? More clubs? More regular grandparent input? Ideally Dad should change jobs so he’s around more but obviously finances do have to be considered realistically. If you’re at breaking point and considering setting up a separate household then those financial questions should be considered with that in mind though.

You say:
'If I do make excuses for Anyone it’s usually the SC BM I make excuses for as I struggle to process why you wouldn’t fight for the children you do have before going on to have more.'

I think you should have fought for your son, rather than have more children and add unnecessary complications. He was obviously struggling and 6/7 years old at the time? I mean obviously it's done now, but adding two more siblings and a step sibling was not a wise move.

Yep, my relationship is strained with my dad due to my childhood. However, we can’t really reconcile this as my dad doesn’t ever see me without his wife who unless you’re talking about her, her family or decorating will sit their in stoney silence until you leave. She’s the epitomises rudeness & yet she was the person that told my dad how rude children we where because we asked for drink. we where told in future to wait until asked. I was about 11 at the time. We’d sit there whilst her adult children would walk into my dad’s house & open cupboards and help themselves to whatever was inside. It stays with you

There isn’t a way out without damaging the child further. What an absolute shit show! However, you’ve tried your best so only you know what you want to happen moving forward. I couldn’t raise someone else’s child, sometimes I barely tolerate my own!

One child with a random one night stand and another with a woman he was only just going out with? Society is screwed if we continue to let men and women bring children into the world under these circumstances. If you break up with him he’ll line up the next victim within the year. I wish you well whatever you decide but don’t waste your life being miserable.