I can’t stand being a full time step mum to the point it is going to cause my relationship breakdown

[Overthinker92]

When I first met my partner I had one child, he had one (there is 14 months between my bio from previous relationship and sc)- and I do not expect my partner to be paternal towards my eldest, they have a dad etc. I want to start by saying I love being a mum to my bio kids , so why am I struggling so much being a step mum ? there is no jealousy of my SC mum etc as they was never in a relationship. Background - my partner was a 50/50 dad when we met, we lived separately had our own space and then I found out I was expecting (unplanned) so we decided to move in together.
but then when I was around 8 weeks pregnant he got a phone call from SS asking if SC was with him and he was told do not return SC back to mum whilst they was investigating long story short until he got a court order in place to say SC lived with him etc they was on a CPP and they was not allowed to see mum unsupervised.
This was 2 and half years ago, there has been no contact at all now with mum for 18 months.
There is likely some trauma still there, as they display behaviours that are unusual some have now grown out of but some still there, but they was taken from their mum at 3 years old someone who they had lived with , missed , didn’t understand why they couldn’t sleep at mums etc so trauma is understandable. I have sorrow and empathy for my SC , but I just feel depressed, anger and resentment. Everything for them falls on me, dad works hours that don’t fit around having a child full time, he did say when I first brought it up that I was struggling that he would get a new job etc but then financially it would effect him, me and the kids especially in today’s life. SC even tried to start calling me mum and kept saying things like I called you mum then etc and it just didn’t feel right to me, it made me uncomfortable so I said to them i don’t think it’s fair on your mum to call me mum, as you still have a mummy and you will get to see her again one day etc. me and my partner, we do nothing but bicker, usually about his child/my child wars (joys of blended families) but I feel miserable all the time, I just want it to be me and my two children and if I had the money to do it, i honestly feel like I would just up and go. It’s not the child’s fault, but I just don’t know how to approach ending the relationship, like I can’t say it’s because I don’t want to be a step mum, but I honestly feel like the majority of my unhappiness is all down to this and they both deserve someone who can be that person for his child and that is not me. I don’t feel any maternal bond for them, I don’t feel any affection towards them, their behaviour irritates me, I just hate everything about it. Any advice on how to approach this? Thank you if you read all this. I needed to get it all out.

i think there’s a 6 year old who’s been abandoned by their mother, a 5 year old and a 2 year old. I think. (Or maybe the 5 is 7).

there’s a good argument, for this particular family, that one of them needs to only work school hours and the other full time. The last thing the sc needs is to be in breakfast club/asc.

there’s an even better argument for it to be the op that works full time,and her partner to work school hours. (Amd yes, there’s plenty available, just might not be the ones he wants. Same choice as millions of mothers make when hugely qualified women become cleaners or TAs).

Look online for advice and support for adoptive parents and foster and kinship carers. Parenting a child who has been through so much loss and trauma is hard, and you have the added complication of being a blended family. If you are able to fund it then some specialist therapeutic parenting support would hopefully help you and DP get on the same page and support DSS with all the things he can't articulate that are coming out through his behaviour.

They was 5, and I didn’t flat out say to them no you can’t call me mum, it was said in an age appropriate way, that they still have a mum who loves them very much who they will see, and it was discussed about what her siblings call their dads partners/wives. And I explained that I am like there mum being their step mum how I look after them etc, but they still have a mum, As it’s Maternal family who like to say to them I’m not their mum and my children aren’t the real siblings etc . So I’m trying to make it consistent throughout to avoid long term issues when they could go back to seeing their BM in a matter of months. I am also thinking of the BM when I discussed that as If my BC wanted to call their step mum “mum” it would really hurt and some of the issues there is no contact is not a fault that could of been prevented. After taking children to breakfast club at 7.30 I pick them up after school. And then sometimes have to finish work off in an evening when partner is home or when kids are in bed depending on shifts. But shortly there will be need for after school club for SC as hours will be later.

Unfortunately all children are in breakfast club already - no choice as I don’t just work school friend hours either- they do not go to an after school club or holiday club at the minute. And no my hours have always worked for my bio child. The only difference in the mix is I make sure I can pick SC up from school which I had help for my bio if I was running late.

Then we’ll agree to disagree on that. Must be difficult hearing the other half siblings saying it though…they’ve are very young and will want to be the same.

Thank you so would you say then the behaviour is not just age related behaviour and is trauma ? As I have said we went thorough “trauma” 2 years ago , and this behaviour is not reflecting what we have been through prior in anyway. This is what I would refer to a naughty child , such as misbehaving, not listening, telling lies, doing things they are told not to do multiple times, answering back and only to me, not to dad etc.

This is a hard one. Remember your partner is working fulltime to also support HIS step child, your oldest child. What if times got hard with your oldest, would you expect your partner to walk away? I think walking away is the right thing to do if you genuinely feel resentment towards the child.

Someone suggested your partner reducing hours so you can get a part time job. Would that help?

Your feelings are perfectly valid. It would be a lot easier if your husband was there more.

I think you need to put your foot down about him finding another job, although this may make your finances difficult for a while, which means you may have to find work. Does his ex wife pay him maintenance and does he at least get child benefit?

Get a job and get a nanny. You are able to manage on one salary, so the nanny can take up everything you earn. It's about your mental health. If you had your own life outside the home, you might feel less resentful and I think being a SAHM is part of the problem. A good nanny will be able to help you with SC and have advice on how to manage certain behaviours. Although I symathise with you struggling with your blended family, there is a vulnerable child here, who through no fault of their own has lost a mother and is living with a woman who won't 'let them in'.

Thank you so would you say then the behaviour is not just age related behaviour and is trauma ? As I have said we went thorough “trauma” 2 years ago , and this behaviour is not reflecting what we have been through prior in anyway. This is what I would refer to a naughty child , such as misbehaving, not listening, telling lies, doing things they are told not to do multiple times, answering back and only to me, not to dad etc.

There is absolutely bound to be trauma involved. It will change and evolve as the child grows.

There will be elements of the normal child pushing boundaries as well.

However the fact the child is acting out to you, not dad, is classic given the circumstances. They are testing you because their mum abandoned them and you (to their wee mind) don't want to be their mum so you're bound to abandon them as well.

Trauma reactions are bound to be ongoing through their life. Therapy should be ongoing as well.

I would say that sc's behaviour is almost certainly trauma-driven. A mum who isn't able to be involved in their life with no concrete sense of when they will be able to. Multiple half-siblings living with different dads (think you said that) and some awareness that their mum has had another baby who may be living with her (in sc's mind, will definitely be with her).

This child needs help and support and will do for a long time. I can completely understand that you don't want to be the parental figure most in the frontline of them dealing with their trauma, especially having two children of their own, but that's what will continue to happen in your current living arrangements.

You and your DH really need to spend some time thinking and talking about what happens next. If he can't afford to change his work hours now, he certainly won't be able to if you move out.

Telling a 5 year old not to call you mum. Yikes.

OP - my niece was taken off her mum when she was about 2. She has had no contact with her since and she’s now 19. She still has trauma from that and there’s no step family involved let alone half siblings.

Can’t you see a link between the abandonment by mum and the misbehaviour and answering back to you as the mother figure in his life? It seems you’re more aggrieved that you get the bad behaviour and that dad doesn’t get you can’t see that it’s a link to trauma and not “naughty”. Also when a child is desperate for your love, but afraid you’ll abandon them like their mother, they push back when they seem happiest, as a protective mechanism. I think breaking up the family and you leaving them will do even more damage.

Poor kid, is there no chance at all his mum would be allowed to see him?

Your partner supports you (and his SC) financially so you can support him at home, this includes parenting his kid. If you can't do this, you need to be honest with him and leave. You can't wish his kid out of existence, and what you are doing now if damaging him even further. Its so cruel.

Your partner needs to change jobs and parent his kid, and if you feel the way you do you should not be in this poor child's life.

Also, if I were your partner I would get sterilised.

This is a YouTube video on adverse childhood experiences (Aces) which may help to explain what your stepchild is going through a bit more and how it can affect their whole life.
In terms of their trauma you need to think of it as a rollercoaster and not a straight road with a finish in sight. Firstly, they were abandoned by their mum, the one person who should always have been there for them no matter what. And then things settled down and they began to feel part of the family and settled they looked to you as their mum but you told them they were different from their siblings, you told them you’re not their mum you’re just their step mum so there comes some more rejection (even if you think you were doing it for the right reasons to avoid confusion later down the road - a child will never understand an adult’s perspective on this no matter how hard you try to explain it), then they find out their real mum has a new baby - I.e they’ve been replaced, how come that baby gets to live there, how come my real mum wants that baby and not me etc.

Your poor stepchild is confused, hurt and angry. You are their substitute mother figure so of course they are taking their hurt out on you rather than dad because all the mothers in their life have rejected them.

I would suggest you and your partner talk to the school SENDCO who should be able to organise some trauma therapy or direct you to someone suitable.

I can only imagine how frustrating and hard it is for you but stand in their shoes and recognise how scary the world is for a child who believes no one wants them. I would lovebomb them, when they do something bad / naughty absolutely address it but from an ‘I love you but I do not like your behaviour and it is not ok to do X because…’ but make it clear it’s the behaviour and not them that you dislike. If the want to call you mum, is it really such a big deal - lots of step children call their step parents mum or dad, it does not detract from their biological parents, it means they fully accept you as an important person in their life. They need to trust that no more adults are going to abandon them and from what you’ve said, I think they are challenging you to see if you too are going to leave.

I do appreciate how hard it is for you OP. I come from a blended family. But I can't get over how traumatised this 5 year old child must have been. Knowing that their bio mum has had another child that is possibly living with bio mum full time and she isn't. And she desperately wants to belong but has been told by her step mum that she can't call her mum. Btw, lots of step/adopted/foster children refer to the female in their lives as mum despite having a bio mum somewhere. There is nothing wrong with that. A child can have 2 mums.

Your SC is acting out for you because she desperately wants your love. I know you probably don't ever intend to, but your SC will see you treating your own children better than her. That's why SC gets them into trouble.

I hope your SC is getting therapy as it sounds like she needs it.

Another thread where the vast majority of expectation falls on the woman involved.

Another thread where people haven't bothered to learn that she already works before telling her to get a job.

Another thread where a woman must suppress all her feelings because god forbid she just wants to be honest about how she feels and get advice.

Of course you're not being unreasonable OP, you're unhappy and the judgement of self-righteous strangers isn't going to magically fix that. Its clear that something needs to change. Any given woman cannot conjure up the ability to deal with the trauma of a partner's child any more than foster or adoptive parents can, although foster and adoptive parents are given far more grace on that context.

I think you should end the relationship, not your child, not your responsibility. I think a bunch of posters here are trying to guilt trip you due to their own unstable childhood circumstances. But ultimately it’s not fair on the child to have a step parent who is being forced to tolerate them, OP can’t force that and it’s always going to be a strained relationship. It’s surely better for the child NOT to have that in their life, as opposed to thinking OP can fundamentally change how she feels.

The quicker you move on, the quicker they can move on.

Exactly, it’s nonsense that women should be expected to tolerate anything when it comes to step children.

SC even tried to start calling me mum

This is so heartbreaking :'(

That child just wants a stable mother figure and knows that their own mother is just not going to be that for them. The insecurity they must feel. They might be calling you mum in the hope that it will solidify your relationship in some way, and you won't abandon them as a result. I can see them having emotional issues when they're older because of all of this.

so why am I struggling so much being a step mum?

Isn't it obvious?

It's because they're not your children, biologically. You're not even related to them. Unless you have formally adopted this child, deep down, you will be very aware of the instability of this situation whereby your pouring your time into a child that isn't actually yours (and away from your own biological child), a child which might never see again if you ever split up with your partner.

😢

It sounds like the sc has experienced a lot of trauma and his way of communicating now is by displaying behaviour. He really needs some intense therapy to work through his feelings. Poor kid. But poor you as well. You sound like you've done everything to support him. Dad really needs to be around more, it could well be his attention that sc is craving. Mum has a new child, dad has a new child, where does that leave sc in it all?

I'd honestly sit your partner down and tell him how you feel and that it's got to the point where he has to step up or you are out. Tell him he needs to get a job to enable him to be caring for his kids more, which he needs to do and that he must get his child help for their trauma and their behaviour. If nothing changes then yes absolutely split up, it's not fair on you or any of the kids involved for this to go on.

The sex’ are opposite , I have boys, SC is a girl - I was trying to keep it so it weren’t stated of gender. SC does dance and swimming.