I can’t stand being a full time step mum to the point it is going to cause my relationship breakdown

[Overthinker92]

When I first met my partner I had one child, he had one (there is 14 months between my bio from previous relationship and sc)- and I do not expect my partner to be paternal towards my eldest, they have a dad etc. I want to start by saying I love being a mum to my bio kids , so why am I struggling so much being a step mum ? there is no jealousy of my SC mum etc as they was never in a relationship. Background - my partner was a 50/50 dad when we met, we lived separately had our own space and then I found out I was expecting (unplanned) so we decided to move in together.
but then when I was around 8 weeks pregnant he got a phone call from SS asking if SC was with him and he was told do not return SC back to mum whilst they was investigating long story short until he got a court order in place to say SC lived with him etc they was on a CPP and they was not allowed to see mum unsupervised.
This was 2 and half years ago, there has been no contact at all now with mum for 18 months.
There is likely some trauma still there, as they display behaviours that are unusual some have now grown out of but some still there, but they was taken from their mum at 3 years old someone who they had lived with , missed , didn’t understand why they couldn’t sleep at mums etc so trauma is understandable. I have sorrow and empathy for my SC , but I just feel depressed, anger and resentment. Everything for them falls on me, dad works hours that don’t fit around having a child full time, he did say when I first brought it up that I was struggling that he would get a new job etc but then financially it would effect him, me and the kids especially in today’s life. SC even tried to start calling me mum and kept saying things like I called you mum then etc and it just didn’t feel right to me, it made me uncomfortable so I said to them i don’t think it’s fair on your mum to call me mum, as you still have a mummy and you will get to see her again one day etc. me and my partner, we do nothing but bicker, usually about his child/my child wars (joys of blended families) but I feel miserable all the time, I just want it to be me and my two children and if I had the money to do it, i honestly feel like I would just up and go. It’s not the child’s fault, but I just don’t know how to approach ending the relationship, like I can’t say it’s because I don’t want to be a step mum, but I honestly feel like the majority of my unhappiness is all down to this and they both deserve someone who can be that person for his child and that is not me. I don’t feel any maternal bond for them, I don’t feel any affection towards them, their behaviour irritates me, I just hate everything about it. Any advice on how to approach this? Thank you if you read all this. I needed to get it all out.

This child has been through so much, that it should be obvious why his behaviour has changed. His family was separated, then his mother abandoned him and his father is barely there. He is going through turmoil.

You are caught between a rock and a hard place - though I'm always amazed how many step-parents do not factor in that a stepchild may live with them full-time for any number of reasons.

Dad needs to adjust his schedule and be more present for his child who is struggling, or you need to leave, so he has no choice but to man up.

I suspect people are "piling on the pressure" because OP seems stubbornly cold towards this child's situation. (I also suspect that the OP's refusal to use the correct tense and sex pronouns is rubbing some of us up the wrong way).

It’s your house. Don’t be the one to leave it, along with all your belongings, if the relationships does end.

This very much isn’t what you signed up for, and it isn’t a situation you have to remain in. Choosing to act as a stepparent isn’t the same thing as accepting the role of quasi adoptive mother, and that isn’t something you have to accept being forced upon you.

Your partner needs to massively step up and stop leaving this on your shoulders. Your responsibility here is to your own children, and to yourself.

Not at all similar though is it

Not at all similar though is it apart from she didn't say that did she.

Ok. If it's your house, then you shouldn't be the one to move out. Your OH would need to find another place and live with his child, with enough rooms for the child you share with him to stay in during custody visits.

That should actually be better for SC to have their own home so she's not forced to either stay with bio mum who can't see her or stepmum who doesn't really want to.

I think you need
a) therapy
b) your DP to take more responsibility for childcare
c) your DP’s wider family to cover weekends and holidays if your DP is working. It’s one thing to look after SC after school quite another when it’s all weekend.

This post nearly made me cry. But it's an excellent post that conveys a lot in just a few short sentences.

Parental abandonment/abuse is awful. Literally affects how these children's brains work☹️

Yes she lost her mum but it’s not permanent.

A child that young isn't going to understand that.

She's also going to be wondering who else is going to disappear on her.

Holy shit @Overthinker92 how can you be this devoid of empathy??

Good gos that poor child deserves so much better than any of the adults she has currently!!

I have read this thread with growing horror @Overthinker92 surely your partner can’t know how negatively you think of his child?

what would you do if he suddenly said, “right, we need to go 50:50 with your own child too, I don’t want them here” ?

Thanks for the clarification.

Massive assumption here, but BM is an addict (not complying with court orders).

You mention a sudden change in behaviour that also coincides with environmental factors, i.e. mum having another baby. Could the change in behaviours be connected to something else? Less free play and more command language, e.g. increased need to follow instructions and reduced wiggle room? What I'm getting at here is whether the child's behaviour might be driven by a combination of factors including, say, FASD? The word 'trauma' can sometimes be used like a woolly blanket and it doesn't address the very real struggles people experience with kids who are displaying pathological demand avoidance (includes lying) and defiance that's literally off the scale.

In other words, has your SC been screened for conditions typical of children born to addicts?

I’d think negatively of any child who was being disrespectful to an adult the way SC is to me. Whether that be another family members or friends child, I’d be quite horrified actually and it’s not been like this since i became a full time step mum which is over 2+ years ago , it’s been the last few months building up for me to take a step back and think should I be putting up with this. It took years and months , adaptations, building a bond, helping with trauma, treating them as my own to the best I can, for them to not listen to me, misbehave, act out , do things that time and time again they have been asked not to do, but only for me, no one else who looks after them so if it was for everyone then it would be different. I don’t shout, I don’t even get angry, I just tell them how it’s upsetting me and how it’s unfair on me but then for it to continue. And no because I don’t expect and never have expected for him to help in anyway with my bio child, I don’t need the help, I did it on my own before I met him and managed so even taking SC out of the equation my bio doesn’t require anything from him which is what I would say to him if he had to say that, then I would also say so if he doesn’t like it he can leave. Which is what I’ve said here, if there’s no coming back from feeling this way then that is what I need to do.

That was partly it but she was unwell aswell and wasnt working with those services either. Not screened that I’m aware of, as my partner wasn’t aware of any of the concerns in regards to Dr4gs etc until he was contacted by SS and she was asked for tests which she wouldn’t do. And SC acting out seems to only be against me , not her dad or extended family grandparents etc. they are really well behaved child, love praise, can be a great help, I literally big up the good things they do etc, but then the what I describe as “naughtiness” which someone bit my head off for saying it trauma not them being naughty / odd behaviours seem only to be a big F U to me , yes there’s the odd other thing like with school or things they shouldn’t be doing that they get told about time and time again , but the attitude and not listening to me is what I’m struggling with the most.

You’re expecting a level of understanding that an adult would struggle with. Time moves slower for children. Saying next week feels like months. She won’t appreciate the timescale. You can’t use this as a defence for your resentment or her unreasonable behaviour because it just isn’t. I know adults that struggle to go a week without seeing their parents & my 20 yo daughter rings me daily when at uni & she still comes home twice a week

@Overthinker92 Can you get yourself some proper advice and support because you genuinely seem surprised and hurt that your DSD is predominantly lashing out/misbehaving against you and it may help both you, and your DH, going forward to know (from a professional) that that is very normal in your circumstances.

That's not to say you have to put up with it forever. However, the fact it seems like bad behaviour because it is specifically aimed at just you is actually one of the biggest indicators that is not just bad behaviour.

But he's not having to do 99% of the childcare and having her child treat him the way sc is treating op so not a fair comparison or question

and you said there was no "reason" for the change in behaviour 🤯🤯

I think you have been a nit naive to think trauma is something that is dealt with and moved on from that quickly. This child has had a huge amount of upheaval in her short life.
I think you said it was only in the last few months this behaviour has surfaced. Something is causing it. And it makes sense that it is big feelings about not seeing mum, dad who used to do 50/50 care now hardly around and also having another child (how did he make it work then, that it all falls on you now?), learning that their mum has "replaced" her with another baby during the time they've been separated, seeing your children staying together while only having contact visits with her other siblings... it's A LOT!
If you want to make this work then do make sure school knows the full story. Yours is definitely a family we would be offering more support to at the school I work in.

@Overthinker92 her behaviour with you makes perfect sense - you have to her become her mother figure like it or not and pushing you away makes sense

have you asked for/sought/being offered any professional help and support because you need it

This, do people realise this child is FIVE?!!

Is she only five? I was thinking older than that,

If she’s acting out more with you, is that because you’re the primary caregiver & she feels safer with you? Either that or she is subconsciously scared her dad will also disappear if she misbehaves for him.

Either way it sounds like you need professional help.

From your own accounts, you obviously worked hard to support your SC who now clearly sees you as her main caregiver. From long term work professionally children (both with trauma and without) will push boundaries and play up for their main care giver or even in settings it will be the person providing their direct care.
So it appears you have manages to provide this child, initially at least with some security and consistency, in the child's own words they clearly see you as their mother. I appreciate the challenges that come with children with adverse childhood experiences, and that your partner isn't engaged due to his work commitments, though I'm curious as to why no bond ever appeared to have developed for yourself and your SC, given how involved you were at the outset?

However, the child will likely be confused on multiple levels given your growing resentment /mums new baby remaining with her/abandonment issues/ feeling othered in the home setting.

Fully agree with other posters, that things need to change not just for your SC as the damage being inflcted will be long term. However and this I something that many people overlook is that your understandable favouritism towards your own children is damaging to them, albeit not as much as your negativity towards your SC.

I'm not sure of the intentions of your partner either. Perhaps he sees it now as his role/traditional male role to be financially providing for all. Equally, did he have his child 50/50 to avoid maintenance payments? The latter may be a consideration for you should you decide to leave. Whist you may leave this man and his child will be in yours and your joint child's life. Another new step mother may materialise who may be looking after your joint child 50%, who may not feel maternal or worst resentful of your Bio child, you will have no control over that. I would move forward carefully but with the resolution to effect positive change ASAP.