I can’t stand being a full time step mum to the point it is going to cause my relationship breakdown

[Overthinker92]

When I first met my partner I had one child, he had one (there is 14 months between my bio from previous relationship and sc)- and I do not expect my partner to be paternal towards my eldest, they have a dad etc. I want to start by saying I love being a mum to my bio kids , so why am I struggling so much being a step mum ? there is no jealousy of my SC mum etc as they was never in a relationship. Background - my partner was a 50/50 dad when we met, we lived separately had our own space and then I found out I was expecting (unplanned) so we decided to move in together.
but then when I was around 8 weeks pregnant he got a phone call from SS asking if SC was with him and he was told do not return SC back to mum whilst they was investigating long story short until he got a court order in place to say SC lived with him etc they was on a CPP and they was not allowed to see mum unsupervised.
This was 2 and half years ago, there has been no contact at all now with mum for 18 months.
There is likely some trauma still there, as they display behaviours that are unusual some have now grown out of but some still there, but they was taken from their mum at 3 years old someone who they had lived with , missed , didn’t understand why they couldn’t sleep at mums etc so trauma is understandable. I have sorrow and empathy for my SC , but I just feel depressed, anger and resentment. Everything for them falls on me, dad works hours that don’t fit around having a child full time, he did say when I first brought it up that I was struggling that he would get a new job etc but then financially it would effect him, me and the kids especially in today’s life. SC even tried to start calling me mum and kept saying things like I called you mum then etc and it just didn’t feel right to me, it made me uncomfortable so I said to them i don’t think it’s fair on your mum to call me mum, as you still have a mummy and you will get to see her again one day etc. me and my partner, we do nothing but bicker, usually about his child/my child wars (joys of blended families) but I feel miserable all the time, I just want it to be me and my two children and if I had the money to do it, i honestly feel like I would just up and go. It’s not the child’s fault, but I just don’t know how to approach ending the relationship, like I can’t say it’s because I don’t want to be a step mum, but I honestly feel like the majority of my unhappiness is all down to this and they both deserve someone who can be that person for his child and that is not me. I don’t feel any maternal bond for them, I don’t feel any affection towards them, their behaviour irritates me, I just hate everything about it. Any advice on how to approach this? Thank you if you read all this. I needed to get it all out.

I agree with this too. People who say they love SC as much as their own, i really think they just love the man more and trying to please him.
I could never love any child equally to mine, and neither would I want to. Honestly I would find a way to leave, it’s not fair to you or your kids and also to the SC. Time spent in this unhappy environment isn’t fair to your kids so I think yoy should leave. He needs to figure his own situation out.

Thank you. The picture is SC will go back to contact with mum eventually, building back up to 50/50, the concerns are MH and not working with the services which they do seem to be doing now, but until my partner can’t be sure it will not cause more upset trauma on the off chance it happens again 12 months down the line he needs to be sure.
Bio mum has since gone on go have another child who lives with them now. I tried to shield my SC from this but somehow between visits with maternal family it’s come out.

I never understand this POV, if you raise a stepchild you might love them as your own as you would an adopted child. You might not of course, because there are many shades of step parenting, but you might well.

I love mine and that has dick all to do with wanting to please their Pa, much as I love him.

Your SC clearly needs to see a counsellor who specialises in children

They've more or less been wrenched away from their mother who they love, and haven't seen her since

They want to call you mum because their siblings do, and however justifiable your reasons for saying No, think of the message that sends

Wouldn't any child play up in those circumstances?

You need family help to help this child

My God OP, you have just told us her mum, who abandoned her, had another child who lives with her. Please understand that child must be feeling so unwanted and unloved. Who wants her? 😢

@Overthinker92 your writing is not helping some of us have sympathy for you.

The way you speak abiut your sc is so cold. You appear to show no compassion or understand the harm all of you adults in their life have done.

How can you be so callous?

I disagree completely with you op.
You are contradicting yourself.
Do you really believe that children from broken homes do not suffer?
Well every single piece of evidence would disagreed with you.
I say this as a child from a broken home.
It is never, ever as good as growing up in a stable home with 2 parents who adore each other and their children. absolutely never.
Your oh needs to stop having children with different women.
You have stated the fact that he doesn’t parent his child is causing problems, therefore he isn’t a great father. Of are you now back peddling and saying your oh is 100% blameless here, in which case his issue lies with you?
As for stating the father of your other child is a fantastic man, if that is truly the case, then why on earth did you end the relationship to put your child though the trauma of divorce?
So you are saying you put your own selfish needs first, so as to persue a great single life for yourself regardless of the negative impact this would have on your child?
Own your own actions. Your dh has so far brought 2 unplanned/unwanted children into the world- at least 2. That is not the action of a decent man.
Listen to what people are saying, lots of it from personal experience. None of this is your step child’s fault, none if it. Their behaviour is a desperate cry for help. From what you have written they don’t have a single adult who gives a damn about them.
Your feelings are natural by the way. Nobody here is saying they aren’t. This us what often happens when people don’t take responsibility for their own fertility.
You would not be unreasonable to leave, just stop making excuses for adults.

Yeah, I'm a bit lost in this.

Dad was 50/50 at beginning of relationship.

When OP was 8 weeks gone in her unplanned pregnancy, Dad ended up with full custody of the 3 year old from a previous relationship.

OP and Dad decided to move in together due to unplanned pregnancy but it's not at all clear whether this was before or after Dad got full custody. Like, did the SC move in with the OP and her family or did the OP move in with Dad and his family? If it's the latter, then yeah, would seem it was an unwise decision.

Timeline means I'm confused because if OP was only 8 weeks pregnant when Dad got full custody, and they only decided to live together because of pregnancy, I don't understand how they don't understand that this was the situation they signed up for.

@Overthinker92 , there are things you can do.

Your DH must find another job for you and all the children. Yes it will likely mean a financial hit, but not as much as splitting up.

Ask for help from DC's school with counselling, play therapy; explain the behaviours at home and remind them of what SC has been through and is going through.

Expect your SC's behaviour to be significantly more challenging than your DC, they don't have their mum.

Expect that your DH will overcompensate for your SC; he will be feeling guilt that he had a child in these circumstances and be compensating for mum not being there. He must be there more though.

Keep the return to the status quo in mind; you seem confident that their mum will be back on the scene. Can maternal grandparents do more regular contact, a weekend every month or something?

It sounds really difficult, but it can be improved. I think you and DH each need individual counselling too to get everything out and not have it leaking out at these children all the time.

This debate is quite similar to the abortion debate. Who has the more rights. But look for the root of either problem. The man.

I don’t want sympathy, I’m looking for others who have been in a similar situation. If I’d of wrote it 2/3 years ago, I had nothing but sorrow and hope and really tried to support them through the trauma and behaviours that came with it, but it’s abit of a kick in the teeth that over 2 years later , it’s all happening again, but also a stinking attitude and not listening to me in anyway also coming with it. I don’t get that from my own child so why should I accept it from SC.

I totally get why you told your SC not to call you Mum, but it might be worth allowing them to come up with a special name for you.

Looking at it from their POV - the other kids in your house have their mummy around, most of the children they are around have their mummy around and they don't. They have you - who does mummy stuff but who doesn't (in their mind) want to be their mummy because you said no.

We have similar atm with DN who lives with us (different reasoning as their mummy died) but they went through a stage of calling us mummy and daddy and they simply just wanted to belong like the other kids.
Their counsellor made the suggestion of letting them pick a name for us as they are a very very special child and we have a very special relationship. Gives DN a sense of belonging and a feeling that we see them as belonging.

We also don't correct and ignore any occasional slips of calling is mummy/daddy because children do that sometimes - working in a school I was called mummy several times.

Your SC is likely to be more difficult than your other children - if you think about it logically it would be surprising if they weren't. They've been abandoned (in their young mind) by the person that the vast majority of people have in their lives - statistically if you only have contact with one parent as a child it's your mum.

They'll feel like they've done something wrong. And they'll be expecting you to abandon them as well.

Your DH needs to realise that you are dealing with a traumatised child.

I cannot believe what I am reading to be honest. Nor can I believe the level of acceptance this post has. Your step child has experienced enormous trauma. None of your posts acknowledge this fact or that they will feel replaced by a new sibling. Children don’t just get removed from birth parents for no reason. Adverse childhood experiences impact children for life and your step child has experience so much trauma. You are an adult! They are a child. You need to look into a more trauma informed approach and stop being so selfish quite frankly. Your step child is bearing the responsibility for you choosing to have another child and also for you enabling your partner to be useless. That’s on you not them!

OP your own children have not been through what your SC has.

I have said it earlier in the thread ALL behaviour is communication. Your SC has unmet needs and their only way of communicating this is to act out. They are only a child. They are not trying to hurt you or deliberately cause trouble. They are struggling and need support, and 'misbehaving' is how they communicate that.

The trauma of being separated from your mother will continue for a long time, and often seem to go away and resurface again. I think your family really needs professional support.

We had already made the decision to move in together when I found out I was expecting - and then literally with a few weeks as notice was given on his property we got the phone call and it was all up in the air and it took over 12 months for it to all come to light - court was trying to support mum with changes which is why it took so long, they wasn’t going to just grant the lives with it was only when she failed to cooperate it was put in place.

You put your own oxygen mask on first @Overthinker92

DP is letting you down here. He has reneged on the deal by keeping up the hours he is/putting his head in the sand.

Set up in a separate home for your children's sake and the sake of your MH. That should have him picking up his game and parenting his own child.

In an ideal world, you could carry on with a relationship but he is not supporting you in your role adequately and you will break before long so adopt a pragmatic attitude about that and see how the cookie crumbles. He has made it clear the situation suits him. Break it yourself in that case. Set up a separate home. It's the only answer here as he is not going to do anything unless you make the first move.

I had to leave a relationship because whenever DP had the kids, he would bugger off out and leave it all to me, even when I was on call. When I was packing to leave, he was stunned but I had given him fair warning, nothing but in fact. I had applied for a job in another country, been offered it and I left. I couldn't bear the, 'in charge but with no authority' bit and being treated like free childcare. I had zero time for myself but worked full time in a stressful and physical job. He was cocksure I wouldn't go until....I did.

You are probably sc safe person as you are always there which is why they behave the way they do. Shift work doesn’t allow for shared parenting. Yes dp needs to change his job so you are both 50/50 with childcare. That would ease the burden. But if you cannot be around sc and its to much you need to end this relationship either dp moves out or you need a plan to. Has step child had therapy for the trauma? It sounds like sc just wants a mum because the other children have.

But how did he do 50/50 with a job that means he’s not there?

Trauma has long term unpredictable impacts on development so it's not something you resolve and then it's done. Something biological that the child can't help has probably triggered this change. It'll be scary for them as it's out of their control. Please look into trauma informed counselling and techniques so you can help them but be aware it's likely to raise its head again in the future so you'll need to very consciously raise them with boundaries but psychological safety

But there’s always a risk of that. BM could’ve died leaving him with SC. It could happen to literally any single parent.

Ffs the kid is 5 based on your posts. They are so young with zero understanding of what the hell has happened.

Maybe try showing some love and compassion instead of having expectations that a 5 year old can rationalise their feelings.

Jesus christ. How can you be so bloody dumb about this??!!

Your own kids has had a stable life with 2 parents involved. Theybhave not had the trauma.

Don't bother educating yourself. Do that poor child a favour and get the hell out of their life.

People like you are the reason step mums get such a bloody battering on mumsnet. Because those of us who would move heaven and earth for them as we would our own kids are judged to automatically be like you.

That poor child....

I was having the child before this all come to light, and it wasn’t until the child was born that it was decided Sc couldn’t see BM. Which she will be able to again. Just unsure when , but BM has had another child since who is over 1 and is in their full time care with no SS involvement so unsure how it works. The therapy they have had they don’t remember much from being with mum.

Something very serious happened at a crucial age. Recovery won't be quick or straightforward. It created a deep and long lasting trauma in the brain and will impact on them long term whether they remember it or not

I’ve quoted this as it’s worth saying twice, I cannot understand your cold hostile attitude to a tiny child OP it’s heartbreaking to read, that poor child, your whole attitude, it’s just awful.

The fact that the mum has another child that lives with them makes it even worse.

Your SC knows you are not their mum, you literally told them that yourself @Overthinker92 . Why are you so determined to downplay what they have been through and are going through?

This is where you are falling down OP. This trauma is not a reflection on you, but you are doing harm by denying it and by expecting your SC to be as well adjusted as your DC. Of course they are not going to be.