I can’t stand being a full time step mum to the point it is going to cause my relationship breakdown

[Overthinker92]

When I first met my partner I had one child, he had one (there is 14 months between my bio from previous relationship and sc)- and I do not expect my partner to be paternal towards my eldest, they have a dad etc. I want to start by saying I love being a mum to my bio kids , so why am I struggling so much being a step mum ? there is no jealousy of my SC mum etc as they was never in a relationship. Background - my partner was a 50/50 dad when we met, we lived separately had our own space and then I found out I was expecting (unplanned) so we decided to move in together.
but then when I was around 8 weeks pregnant he got a phone call from SS asking if SC was with him and he was told do not return SC back to mum whilst they was investigating long story short until he got a court order in place to say SC lived with him etc they was on a CPP and they was not allowed to see mum unsupervised.
This was 2 and half years ago, there has been no contact at all now with mum for 18 months.
There is likely some trauma still there, as they display behaviours that are unusual some have now grown out of but some still there, but they was taken from their mum at 3 years old someone who they had lived with , missed , didn’t understand why they couldn’t sleep at mums etc so trauma is understandable. I have sorrow and empathy for my SC , but I just feel depressed, anger and resentment. Everything for them falls on me, dad works hours that don’t fit around having a child full time, he did say when I first brought it up that I was struggling that he would get a new job etc but then financially it would effect him, me and the kids especially in today’s life. SC even tried to start calling me mum and kept saying things like I called you mum then etc and it just didn’t feel right to me, it made me uncomfortable so I said to them i don’t think it’s fair on your mum to call me mum, as you still have a mummy and you will get to see her again one day etc. me and my partner, we do nothing but bicker, usually about his child/my child wars (joys of blended families) but I feel miserable all the time, I just want it to be me and my two children and if I had the money to do it, i honestly feel like I would just up and go. It’s not the child’s fault, but I just don’t know how to approach ending the relationship, like I can’t say it’s because I don’t want to be a step mum, but I honestly feel like the majority of my unhappiness is all down to this and they both deserve someone who can be that person for his child and that is not me. I don’t feel any maternal bond for them, I don’t feel any affection towards them, their behaviour irritates me, I just hate everything about it. Any advice on how to approach this? Thank you if you read all this. I needed to get it all out.

Yes I work and yes I could manage financially, we had to move to a bigger house to accommodate the changes. When I’ve said about if I had the money I’d go, I mean do set up again as obviously there would be 3 childrdn to consider. I can bet everything didnt fall on your step father , as it is usually the mothers who take the primary care role and there wouldn’t have been much expected from your SF. When I was a 50/50 SM there was no issues, it’s only since the behaviours have changed I have started to resent it.

I’d never stop them having a relationship.

The SC may well act out for you because they are sensing your rejection of them?

as you’ve already said they have suffered trauma and this will have led to attachment issues.

They wanted to call you mum and although in your adult mind it makes sense they don’t they will feel rejected by this - the outsider in a family whereby everyone else has a mum and dad (your eldest still sees their dad) but the SC just has dad and SM.

If you can’t so this leave. But it will be for the sake of your SC as much as your own. They need someone who can love them unconditionally and if that’s not you then it’s not fair in anyone.

They are a young child with trauma living in a house with one adult who doesn't want them there all the time. They are trying to look to you as their Mother and you have said no. You need to get away asap this poor child deserves to be in a house of love not disdain. No matter how you try and frame it on their behaviour they are still a child and you are the adult here - get out.

But life happens? I wish people entering relationships with children involved would factor this in- it might be 50/50 now, but the other parent could die in car crash tomorrow. Its unlikely, but stuff happens. A lot of the issues with blended families crop up because people think they can keep the stepkids in a nice tidy box marked '50/50, every other Christmas and this exact amount of maintenance which doesn't inconvenience us financially', but life and people aren't like that.

Also in this case I'd be highly surprised if the mother didn't have ongoing issues which the OH at least knew about.

I feel really sorry for everyone in this situation. Dad wasn’t expecting full time childcare when he got into a new relationship, new DC was conceived earlier than anyone planned putting pressure on something that may not have lasted, mum ending up with far more on her plate than she asked for and can cope with, two original DC now suffering as their parents are in pain or in one case absent.

You deserve to be happy but please be mindful about whatever action you choose because whatver you do will cause further trauma to these children. And seek therapy straight away. It’s not a weakness to say you need to support. Anyone would in this situation.

Is this even about a SC, or is this about the sheer hell that having 3 children and juggling all their needs involves? It is relentless and it is all falling in you

I have been a step mum twice. Exdpxs kids lived with us full time for a while and it does absolutely change the dynamic. Dh's son has never lived wirhbus and rarely visited as was a teen and had his friends so dh went to him (his move dis a moonlight flit when ss was 5).

However, what i will say I think you have inadvertently caused some of the issues you are describing. I absolutely understand why you said no to being called mum, but you promised him something you shouldn't have about his actual mum.

He is jealous of your bio child. Who has a mum and a dad. He is still very young and clearly struggling. Mum is probably not the right term but you should have suggested an alternative sonhe felt special and wanted.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but you should probably get some family counselling and definitely counselling for your stepchild. None of this is their fault so you need to try hard to make it work for your shared child as much as anyone else.

Your dh needs to step up without a doubt but I also think you need to take a look at how you present to sc. You appear to be taking your frustration at dh and projecting to sc.

Exdp and I split over 8 years ago. But dss and dsd are still my stepkids. They are always in and out of my house, I visit dsd at uni, she rings forba lift if her dad can't facilitate. She house sits when I go away etc. We will all be having Christmas together.

Sounds like they are acting out of sibling jealousy and they are really craving your love and attention. The behaviour you've described could be happening between your own children some day too.

But from the rest of your posts, it reads like you care for your SC too but you do sound burnt out.

Is there any chance you could speak to their school after the holidays and ask for some pastoral care for their trauma?

Rejecting them calling you Mum probably didn't help with their abandonment issues, but we're all human and complex so NTA.

Your OH needs to step up now and help SC with making them feel secure, loved and helping you with your burnout.

Thank you. I think it’s difficult because the first two years before moving together and finding out I was pregnant there had never been any issues, I supported him with the 50/50 the issues have only evidently become worse recently, when they first came I supported them through the trauma ensuring they came through it but then recently it’s like we are back to square one but for no reason, nothing has happened for SCs behaviour to take a turn, I’m not sure if it’s because it’s something I’ve not experienced before and if it is “normal behaviour” for a child of that sex , my bios are the opposite sex to SC but my eldest didn’t do the things SC is doing when they was that age.

Actually he became a SAHD to look after 5 children. 3 of which were not his as my DM was a much higher earner. I was 6 when he came into my life and I chose to call him dad. Not everyone is that lucky, I know, and I'm sure he thought I was a complete brat most of the time, but he never let on.

Behaviour has tanked for various reasons, but a massive contributory factor will be that the child knows you don't like them, would prefer it if they weren't there, have no feelings towards them other than resentment. You're the adult in the room. They're acting up in response to you.

DH needs to change his job so that he can emotionally support you.

Obviously, you will have investigated other avenues to emotionally support yourself.

I just want to say that your SC is not misbehaving for no reason. With children all behaviour is communication. The child is behaving in this way because of some unmet need.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with your DP about your SC's behaviour when he is working and figure out how he can find a different job to be around more for SC.

The stepchild is 5 or 6 if I’ve understood the timeline right - social services intervention at 3, 2.5 years ago. And has had no contact with mum for 18 months. I think you are inadvertently making things worse telling them it’s not fair on their mum to call you mum. Whether you stay as you are or not it sounds like some help in how to talk to this little child about their family situation would help you both

The reason I told them about them calling me mum is I’m not there mum and they do still have a mum who they will have a relationship with and I don’t think it’s fair on them to do that and when the relationship picks back up confusion come in, I also don’t feel it’s fair on their bio mum , whatever her demons, there was no issues know, till SS got involved and child loved them very much. I did tell her im their step mum and I will do everything I can for them whilst they are with me like a mum does but they do still have one who loves them.

Sounds like your mind is made up that you want to leave.

Tell him what you've told us.

And then organise the finances so you and your two children can leave.

I know you feel responsible towards SC, but if you don't love her and are resentful towards her dad because of the situation he's put you in, this is never going to work and you need to leave ASAP so you do the least harm to SC.

Please ask SS for family counseling and individual couseling for your SC. You and your partner would probably find couples counseling useful.

If I were you, I'd sit my partner down today, and i mean today, and calmly tell him you are overwhelmed, worried about his child and worried about all the children in the house. That this cannot go on. It's not just the SC who is affected, all the children are being affrcted. He may be just hoping everything will settle down and work itself out magically. It won't. This isn't a fight; it's looking at the reality of your family life.

It's not a failure or embarrassing asking for outside help. You don't have a "normal" family, and never will. This isn't simple parenting and I understand that you're exhausted with it. I and my husband went through months of classes to deal with a child with trauma and I still felt overwhelmed by the reality.

If you haven't read about attachment disorder, do. My adoptived children had a loving but neglectful birth mother who lost custody when my daughter was five and son was three and are affected by attachment disorder. It is extremely hard on the child and on their new caregiver. Many behaviours are regressive and frustrating to deal with. The child has no power and no words to express themselves. They will act out, sometimes after months, years of normal.behaviour. Your SC needs someone neutral to explain what is happening with their birth mother. That shouldn't be put on you.

Everyone here needs help.

If I could, I'd hug you. And I'd hug your children, all of them

This poor kid knows you hate them. Separate with your partner to spare this child more truama I know you have been left to look after this child but the damage of rejection and being unloved is far reaching.
Do them a favour

child has contact with mums other family so grandparents etc - other siblings etc , who tell them - I’m not mum and my bio children from prev is not there sibling. So I’m trying to keep it all on the same level. They will have contact with their bio Mum again whether this be 3 months down the line or 2 years we don’t know there’s a lot more back ground than what I can put into a small post.

Poor child. Desperate to be loved and be treated the same as the other two children in the family. My heart breaks for them.

Thank you, SS was pretty useless tbh, no help was offered it was literally case closed as soon as partner was given the lives with order and was told it’s down to us when we allow unsupervised contact to start again. Child still has relationship with maternal siblings and grandparents and I don’t know if those visits stir up the feelings which then result in acting out.

They did. The moment knowing they had a kid there is always that possibility. What she didn’t realise is she wasn’t willing to take it on. But let’s be clear if you move in with someone who has a child you are signing up to their baggage

Child was treated this way until behaviours began were they started acting out, not listening, upsetting household dynamics such as getting other siblings into trouble etc to the point I had to say to partner, it’s not fair that it’s me dealing with all this. SC was praised, bigged up, and then for no reason would do something that resulted in something occurring that would result in arguments away from them children etc.

You need to leave before you damage the child even more.

You’ve been very honest & that must be applauded. However, is there no way round this so your not affecting the child you have together security? The SC just wants to be the same as your other 2 kids & that’s why they want to call you mom. Everytime you say no you are rejecting them & that’s very sad & damaging. They’ll remember those times forever, so if you can’t you must leave they’ve suffered enough trauma & rejection already. I hope this can be overcome though & again it’s refreshing to see your honesty & acceptance of your shortcomings & how it’s affecting them. It shows to me this can be sorted