I can’t stand being a full time step mum to the point it is going to cause my relationship breakdown

[Overthinker92]

When I first met my partner I had one child, he had one (there is 14 months between my bio from previous relationship and sc)- and I do not expect my partner to be paternal towards my eldest, they have a dad etc. I want to start by saying I love being a mum to my bio kids , so why am I struggling so much being a step mum ? there is no jealousy of my SC mum etc as they was never in a relationship. Background - my partner was a 50/50 dad when we met, we lived separately had our own space and then I found out I was expecting (unplanned) so we decided to move in together.
but then when I was around 8 weeks pregnant he got a phone call from SS asking if SC was with him and he was told do not return SC back to mum whilst they was investigating long story short until he got a court order in place to say SC lived with him etc they was on a CPP and they was not allowed to see mum unsupervised.
This was 2 and half years ago, there has been no contact at all now with mum for 18 months.
There is likely some trauma still there, as they display behaviours that are unusual some have now grown out of but some still there, but they was taken from their mum at 3 years old someone who they had lived with , missed , didn’t understand why they couldn’t sleep at mums etc so trauma is understandable. I have sorrow and empathy for my SC , but I just feel depressed, anger and resentment. Everything for them falls on me, dad works hours that don’t fit around having a child full time, he did say when I first brought it up that I was struggling that he would get a new job etc but then financially it would effect him, me and the kids especially in today’s life. SC even tried to start calling me mum and kept saying things like I called you mum then etc and it just didn’t feel right to me, it made me uncomfortable so I said to them i don’t think it’s fair on your mum to call me mum, as you still have a mummy and you will get to see her again one day etc. me and my partner, we do nothing but bicker, usually about his child/my child wars (joys of blended families) but I feel miserable all the time, I just want it to be me and my two children and if I had the money to do it, i honestly feel like I would just up and go. It’s not the child’s fault, but I just don’t know how to approach ending the relationship, like I can’t say it’s because I don’t want to be a step mum, but I honestly feel like the majority of my unhappiness is all down to this and they both deserve someone who can be that person for his child and that is not me. I don’t feel any maternal bond for them, I don’t feel any affection towards them, their behaviour irritates me, I just hate everything about it. Any advice on how to approach this? Thank you if you read all this. I needed to get it all out.

Remember that if you split up, he is likely to have your joint child 50/50 (he’s a full time dad to one so likely the courts will award joint custody) how will you feel, you cannot be just you and your two biological children because he will be in his child’s life. If the relationship is over then you need to split up but if it’s about the dsc you need to get counselling or something, this child exists and deserves a good life, stop pushing them away, they want you to be their mum

I think I just didn’t expect a mother to resign her maternal instincts and not support in anyway in the upbringing of their child. Like that is something I cannot comprehend or ever expected.

The DSc may need specialist help, do seek that via social services too, they are there to help keep families together

All your follow up posts now focus on the SC behaviour. What boundaries are in place for all of the children? You say it is then acting in a way that isn't normal - what is it they are doing?! Also is there any possibility your child shit stirs knowing you already don't like SC and are the favourite, so you will take their side.

Sorry I think I worded it incorrectly. When I said me and my 2 , I just meant in a household were there is no unwarranted stress or upset. I would never stop a relationship between dad / children etc I’d happily remain in the relationship in separate households etc but I don’t know if that’s something that would be possible.

You need to talk to your partner, he must change jobs.
If you leave, presumably, he'll have to anyway?
Awful situation really, I really hate how entitled men feel, often leaving caring to the woman.
Like, imagine you decided to start a full time job with unpredictable hours?
And you expected him to look after the 3 kids?
Would he ever think that's reasonable?
Course not
He would say I can't.
Say it back.

This guy really is wreaking havoc in lots of lives. That's two unplanned pregnancies that we know of.

I didn't say in my first post but I should have - thank you for being honest about your feelings. Nothing is going to get better if you aren't honest.

Start calling children's charities after the hoildays - I was in the US so don't know what's available here. I'm in Northern Ireland and my friend's foster child has been attending very positive couseling through a local charity (Relate I think.)

Call SS again and you may get a better social worker. I have been dealing with care for my elderly parents now I'm back in the UK and some social workers are useless sods, some are brilliant. They seriously expect you, well your partner, to re-establish contact with birth mother with no supervision or counseling around it? That sounds like set up for a disaster. I guess I've heard worse, but I would ask for support.

My children saw thier extended family but not mother due to circumstances. Yes, it did sometimes trigger behaviour but in retrospect it was a net positive. Again, counseling for the SC is needed here to help navigate the complex feelings.

For you and your partner, whatever happens you are going to be coparenting for ever.

You need to leave.

Put plans in place for the new year.

Your DP needs to change jobs. Yes you will have less money, but still more than if you split up.

To be honest, I think the best thing would be if you spent some time bonding with your step child. It sounds like everything happened very suddenly, you were newly pregnant, just moved in with partner. Maybe family therapy would help.

My feeling is that most people can feel affection for children other than their own - nephews, nieces, friends children etc. This child wants you to be her mum, if you can’t be that person then you do need to leave. She will be listening to you referring to yourself as mummy to your DC but then recoil in horror when she says it. Poor kid.

No I just thought it would be better to explain the reason why I am now struggling is due to the behaviour it was never like this previously and I’ve managed to push through the initial trauma that started 3 years ago. And no there have been issues at school aswell which the teacher has spoken to me about and with cousins, it can’t be that all of them are lying. They get on for the best part of it it’s just certain things that happen that they try to play the blame game. I’ve actually resorted into saying I will check the cameras to get the truth rather than initial place blame ( I don’t have cameras but they think I do so they tell the truth)

So what support is being offered? The school should have a family support worker too, and can work as a team with SS and early help. Have you said how bad it is?

You need to decide if you want to stay with your oh.
How did he manage parenting before you came along.
If you want to save your relationship then I think he needs to change jobs so re can step up as a parent.
If he isn’t willing to step up then tell him it isn’t working for you. Do not blame the child, blame his lack of involvement in parenting.

I agree with this. What a fine bloody mess this is. And only the kids will pay the price.

Your "partner" is the problem here.
He should have been actively searching for new jobs before sole custody. Fron when you got pregnant tbh (which i think was madness but i think blended families are generally a mess and the kids suffer).....

He is indirectly responsible for probably half if not more of SCs "problem" behaviour.

I'd be insisting on relationship counselling and be looking to make him step up and lean in.

You arent a replacement for the child's biological parent's, complementary parenting- yes. Replacement and de facto parent - no.

I applaud your honesty worts and all. I'm not sure splitting up is the current answer until you explore other avenues simply becasue many of the issues you are experiencing will follow you. The SC will still need to share time with their half sibling and your partner will still need to share time with them.

I think you need to sit down with your partner and explain your feelings, its just too much for you and he does need to look at changing role. The other option is that you split and he has to leave work to care for his child. I think therapy is needed for you and your partner to explore the issues as it does seem to me that your partner absolves himself fro a lot of responsibility under the guise fo work, making a tough situation even tougher.

The poor step child only has you really as consistency, not ryingt o guilt trip you here but it is the reality and that is not how it should be.

Keep being honest, try the above avenues and if it doesn't work, move out, although as I say, some of the problems will still come with you!

Good Luck, its not a situation I think I could cope with easily either.

Yanbu, I’m not remotely surprised you feel this way. I get paid to look after other people’s kids, no way am I doing it for free in my time off.
I would leave this relationship if I were you, but I would not be blaming the young child who has been through trauma. The blame lies squarely at the foot of your partner who has a job that doesn’t fit in with looking after his only child, who only has him! That is abhorrent and terrible parenting of him. He should have got a 9-5/school time role immediately or the 2 of you swapped roles so that he is the sahp whilst you work. Him To dismiss your frustrations is deeply unfair. So it’s him id be leaving.
I would facilitate a relationship between the siblings as your sdc needs all the love they can get, and you might be able to give it if it’s just once per week rather than 24-7.

good luck op, I think the quicker you do this, the better for everyone.

The child senses the rejection & plays up but are you seriously saying every time it’s him only & your bio child never does anything? Or are you less patient & more blinded by your own child. I’m not saying there’s a 50:50 blame in the falling outs but it definitely isn’t 100% one child either. That would never be true with full siblings. I think you’re biased & that’s caused a power imbalance between the kids & on top of everything else the sc acts out because his jealous, rejected & resentful. Kids are very clever, when one is deemed angel they don’t have to work very hard to poke the devil child & get away with it. They’re kids & kids do what kids do. It’s up to the adult to view things critically & not emotionally.

Not to knock the op but I’m going to agree about women having children with men who are already fathers.
Wake up!
He has already failed at least once.
Think hard before having yet more children with these men.
They are never parent of the year.
Take responsibility for your own actions,
It’s always the poor children who suffer.
Then people wonder why these children don’t rush to help their parents in their old age, why on earth should they.

No support from anywhere. It as literally he was granted full custody , case closed as there was no SS concerns with him he just needed something official in place to prevent bio mum from taking them and not returning them, and it’s down to him to make all the decisions now if and when they get to see bio mum etc. child was in nursery at the time still when it all happened. The behaviours at school are just the not listening to teacher, acting up etc nothing that warrants extra support according to them, when dad is here he spends time with children, he tries 1-2-1 time with each due to different ages and doing things all as a family. It’s just the added pressure with these behaviours that have caused the issues.

I really dont think you should move into a different house, can you imagine the rejection that child would feel, you and the other 2 kids leaving and her being left behind? It would traumatise her further.
That child has been through so much, of course she will act up. Don't blame her.

i would also say that whatever problems the dsc is experiencing as a 6 year old, they will be a billion times worse as a teenager.

I teach a school where the children need extra support for various reasons. You can spot those who’ve been adopted a mile off, it’s really sad, but they want ALL my time, and get very upset if I so much as look at another child because in their mind I therefore must hate them and they’re not worthy if I do that. They need constant reassurance that they’re wanted/love as in their mind, their very first carer, abandoned them.

I think you need to reach out for help. As I said, early help is for families in need and the school should have someone to meet with the child. In Jan ask for help.

You do need to think whether you want to be in the relationship though. There are plenty of single dads who suddenly make childcare work when they have to, so walk away if you need to.

Before splitting up, would it not be better for your boyfriend to get a different job, where he can be more present for his poor bloody kid that noone seems to want?

I he can't do that, then you probably should splitting up, because being an unwanted kid is awful, and the outcomes for those children are often not good.

He was never in a relationship with bio mum, so not really sure how he “failed” he was a good dad 50/50 and there was no concerns there, and I had my eldest child who is a brilliant dad our relationship just broke down due to differences and growing apart. His new partner would be lucky to have a child with him. So you can’t really say just because of a failed relationship doesn’t mean they can’t have more children.