He asked me for a handjob 5 days after giving birth.

[mondaystuesdays]

im new here, sorry this is in the wrong place i see posts here seem to get loads of traffic and could do with advice. please be kind though

i have a 5 day old baby boy. He was unplanned but he is loved. I don’t have family support and as a result I live in temporary accommodation by the council with baby. I split up with his dad before he was born but last week we met up and we agreed to get back together. Baby was then born on Thursday and he’s been supportive and staying over since Saturday as we got home Saturday morning.

we’ve just been bonding with him tbh but today I felt more myself and comfortable and we took him for a short walk. Baby was asleep when we got home and I was just resting too as I’ve been worrying about baby not waking up for a feed so I’ve not been resting when he’s been sleeping (google says it’s normal though)

Bf then started asking for a handjob, I said no and when he asked why I reminded him I gave birth 5 days ago. His response was “it’s not like full on sex” and then went to the bathroom after making a comment about doing it himself. He’s seemed to be in a mood all afternoon and has now gone out after saying he’s going out for a smoke.

please be kind as I’m new here but I’ve never posted before so sorry if this is wrong in any way. I don’t have any one else to speak to about this. I just noticed to get it out.

Only read the title to know that yanbu OP.........selfish entitled prick. Congratulations on your new baba xx

I didn't think men were allowed to stay overnight in mother and newborn emergency flats?

Either way tell him to piss off and use his own hand. That you're not ready for anything sexual yet. And not to pester you about it either. If he's not being actively helpful with the baby he shouldn't even be there when you've got so much on your plate already.

Ok it sounds as though you want to try and make it work with him.

If that’s the case that’s fine but you absolutely must also work on yourself too - go to the baby groups and build up a support system away from him, make sure that he is not using you for a place to stay or for sex (limit how often he stays over), think about what career you want and when the baby’s a bit older you could study towards it etc.

I really suggest that you continue to post on MN for advice and support too.
Having a baby is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do and without a good support network it’s even harder.

Talk to him about how his behaviour was unacceptable and how you will not put up with it again.
It was rude of him to ask for it in the first place but his reaction to it was the worse thing.
Tell him that you do not know when you’ll be ready to start doing sexual stuff and it could be months and if he’s not happy to wait until you are ready then he needs to leave.

Well done to him doing an apprenticeship and being involved with his child’s life but that does not mean you should feel disrespected or used.

He still has the same mum.

Why do you think a situation that didn't work for you before will work for you now that you also
have a baby who needs a lot of your time and attention.

It's not going to improve the circumstances.

I wish we would stop second guessing ourselves. You dumped him because it needed to be done. It was the right decision as he was a shitty little mamas boy. He still is. And a sulking sex pest too.

In the bin with the loser.

You need to take time to recover and he needs to go back to his mothers. Do not trust him alone with your baby and do not give in to his sexual requests. This is not the time for any thing but bonding with your baby and working out how to get through the next few months.

🤮

He sounds young, thoughtless and stupid. Now people can grow out of these faults. Not everyone does, but it's not impossible.
Question is, do you love or want this guy enough to wait and see if this will happen? Whatever the answer is, you have to prioritise your baby and your recovery. If that doesn't work for him, tough. Oh, and don't put up with a sulky manchild.

He may not understand the experience you are going through, and how hard it is for you. You need to talk to him, but, fundamentally, its all down to him caring about you and being willing to be kind and supportive. He may have his drives and desires but he needs to understand your feelings, too. He may be young but after talking to him you will be able to see what kind of person he actually is - caring and supportive or selfish and unkind.

i don’t know if I will go to baby groups as I am young and I worry about being judged, and friends drifted whilst I was pregnant so I just feel alone @mondaystuesdays

It's worth going to a few to see what they're like. I wasn't a young mum but I'm not British so I remember feeling like I'd be left out.

The first time I went I didn't talk to anyone but my baby loved it, so I kept going. After a few weeks I felt confident enough to talk to people there.

Craft groups can be helpful as well as there's often older women who will take you under their wing!

Ewwwww.

Get rid.

Congratulations on your new baby
Having a baby is one of the most stressful times in a relationship and that's a long standing stable one at that. I think you will agree your relationship isn't in this category so both of you will have to work harder to make things work.

A couple of things to think about -

You need to tell your DP that he'd better get used to sorting himself out as your off sex for at least 6 weeks, so if he's back with you for a quick shag, he's out of luck and any whining or winging should gethim sent straight back to his mummy.

after the Christmas break please check with the Housing team about the rules on people staying over / moving into you accomodation. The last time you need is being thrown out for breaking the terms of your tenancy.

Ask your midwife / health visitor for mum and baby groups with a larger proportion of younger mums. Even if you can't get that information try out a local one and see how it goes for a few weeks. They can be scary to walk into but most are fine and will be a great source of information, advice and support.

You'll have heard plenty about the birth certificate. I strongly urge you to give the baby your surname. If things do work out for you and your stay togther long term / marry you can change the baby's name if you want to. Don't fall for the 'It's tradition for babies to have the father's name'. The tradition is for babies to have their mother's surname but as way back most mothers were married AND therefore their husband's name, all babies had their Dad's name.

You will need to talk through money - how much he needs to give you for the baby and if he is to stay living with you, how much he pays in rent, food, utlities etc. Take care - if he says he'll live with his mum, but then ends up mostly with you, he'll still need to pay his share of food and utilities.

Take care mondaystuesdays - you sound so young, with a small babe and a very new relationship. However you also sound like you have a sensible head on your shoulders so go with your gut and stand up for what you want to you and your child.

Like everyone else has said. 👋

The real question @mondaystuesdays is do you love him? Do feel like smiling inside when he comes into the room? Do you miss him when he leaves?

If not then don't get into a relationship with him.

He is the father of your baby and he wants to be in the baby's life - that's good. But he can do that without you being in a relationship. It isn't an "either/or" situation.

Maybe I'll give birth to a healthy, live baby, yeah? I have a long history of recurrent miscarriage, IVF and general untold heartbreak. I'm not, have never been and will never be a 'pick-me girl'. I did get on better with some of the boys when I was at school because I was bullied a lot by the girls. I hated their drama and gossip, so I kept a distance from them.

When my periods came, I became anaemic and passed out on my mum's bedroom floor. She asked me to get something for her from her room, so I went to her room and looked for the thing she wanted, I came over really faint and went to lean on the bedside table, I then fell to the floor and dragged a bunch of things off the bedside table. Next thing I know I'm coming round and I hear commotion, my mum is in the midst of yet another psychotic meltdown and then I see an adult-sized foot come straight at my head at what looked to me like 100mph. I was probably an inch away from getting knocked out a second time.

Later on in school, I've had a toilet cubicle door kicked down on me mid-pee by three girls who 'had nothing better to do'. I was the nerdy outcast, so let's ruin my already rubbish day, yeah? I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. My form tutor (a man) took pity on me and told the other kids, mainly girls, to BTFO.

So as you can see by now, I've come to dislike my own species over the years. I have no patience for them. I don't have oodles of patience for some men, either, and at this point in my life, I'm not that keen on people, regardless of what's between their legs.

If you want to be snarky, that's fine. If people think I'm a man for merely having the gumption to post an opinion that I know will get me some flaming, that's also fine. Both of these things are choices that are free to be made in the same way I had the choice to post what I posted. But do not dare think it's okay to try to make me feel lesser just because I have an opinion that you cannot amicably disagree with. I've been abused virtually my whole life, I'm not used it, I'm fed up of it.

If you've got this far, that means you can read. That's good. I don't much care.

I bid you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Have a good one and look after each other.

He just agreed to get back with you as he was missing sexual access.

Put him in the bin.

I don’t think you read it fully…

And? He’s still a loser.

You promised you were fucking off from this thread

Yorkshire does appear to be a woman.
But of the Handmaid / Cockbeggar type. Always on hand to give a misogynist take.

I did no such thing.

YorkshireGoldDrinker · Yesterday 20:15
Yes and I understand where she's coming from. Then I give my opinion without being abrasive.
I've checked out of this thread, to be honest. I don't tolerate such disgusting abuse on this site.

Aww OP ❤️ i was a young mum (18) with my first and understand the fear of judgement. You sound alone. If you want to chat or vent, message me xx

Yes, that is indeed what I said. Please point out the promise I made.

Still don't believe it, actually. Too forceful, angry and self righteous about the priority of handjobs over five day old newborns and their post partum mothers. Too convenient a story about specifically female concerns and why women are so shit and it's still all their fault. Too angry at the idea that a thread about a postpartum woman being treated badly isn't actually a thread about why women are shit and men are victims.

But even if I'm wrong, it's definitely a total me-railer.

i don’t know if I will go to baby groups as I am young and I worry about being judged,

Do give them a try OP. You won't be judged, but if you feel uncomfortable you can always look for another. I found the support and company of other mothers an absolute godsend when DS1 was tiny.