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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He asked me for a handjob 5 days after giving birth.

231 replies

mondaystuesdays · 23/12/2025 18:23

im new here, sorry this is in the wrong place i see posts here seem to get loads of traffic and could do with advice. please be kind though

i have a 5 day old baby boy. He was unplanned but he is loved. I don’t have family support and as a result I live in temporary accommodation by the council with baby. I split up with his dad before he was born but last week we met up and we agreed to get back together. Baby was then born on Thursday and he’s been supportive and staying over since Saturday as we got home Saturday morning.

we’ve just been bonding with him tbh but today I felt more myself and comfortable and we took him for a short walk. Baby was asleep when we got home and I was just resting too as I’ve been worrying about baby not waking up for a feed so I’ve not been resting when he’s been sleeping (google says it’s normal though)

Bf then started asking for a handjob, I said no and when he asked why I reminded him I gave birth 5 days ago. His response was “it’s not like full on sex” and then went to the bathroom after making a comment about doing it himself. He’s seemed to be in a mood all afternoon and has now gone out after saying he’s going out for a smoke.

please be kind as I’m new here but I’ve never posted before so sorry if this is wrong in any way. I don’t have any one else to speak to about this. I just noticed to get it out.

OP posts:

CarelessWimper · 24/12/2025 12:51

Do not give the baby his surname. He sounds a right chancer and not a good dad so I doubt he will around for long and then your child will have a different surname for you for ever. If by a miracle things do work out them change it if you get married but he is never going to let you change it from his to yours even if he is a an absent parent

MatildaTheCat · 24/12/2025 13:04

@mondaystuesdays I was a midwife to younger mothers for many years and this is a classic story. You split up as a couple for good reasons. Having him in the delivery room means you were and are both in a heightened emotional state. Getting back together seems the most beautiful thing in the world.

Then reality starts to creep in and he starts to realise that parenting isn’t actually as much fun as his usual life. He is in close proximity to you and forgets you’ve just given birth so chances his luck for sexual favours. In other words he’s already drifting back and next he’ll be out drinking with his mates or whatever floats his boat while you are sad, resentful and literally holding the baby.

I gently warn you this is doomed. Drag it out and you’ll get sadder and sadder. If you decide now to not be a couple but to try and co parent well it will have a better chance.

I suggest you choose your baby’s name yourself and look towards independence. Be happy as a single mum and yes, hopefully he will support you but try and make it works as a couple and it’s very likely to go badly wrong. He didn’t even last 5 days before letting you down.

congratulations on your beautiful baby.

DurinsBane · 24/12/2025 16:46

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 23/12/2025 22:42

You need to take time to recover and he needs to go back to his mothers. Do not trust him alone with your baby and do not give in to his sexual requests. This is not the time for any thing but bonding with your baby and working out how to get through the next few months.

Why shouldn’t she trust him with the baby?!

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/12/2025 18:54

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 24/12/2025 11:00

Maybe I'll give birth to a healthy, live baby, yeah? I have a long history of recurrent miscarriage, IVF and general untold heartbreak. I'm not, have never been and will never be a 'pick-me girl'. I did get on better with some of the boys when I was at school because I was bullied a lot by the girls. I hated their drama and gossip, so I kept a distance from them.

When my periods came, I became anaemic and passed out on my mum's bedroom floor. She asked me to get something for her from her room, so I went to her room and looked for the thing she wanted, I came over really faint and went to lean on the bedside table, I then fell to the floor and dragged a bunch of things off the bedside table. Next thing I know I'm coming round and I hear commotion, my mum is in the midst of yet another psychotic meltdown and then I see an adult-sized foot come straight at my head at what looked to me like 100mph. I was probably an inch away from getting knocked out a second time.

Later on in school, I've had a toilet cubicle door kicked down on me mid-pee by three girls who 'had nothing better to do'. I was the nerdy outcast, so let's ruin my already rubbish day, yeah? I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. My form tutor (a man) took pity on me and told the other kids, mainly girls, to BTFO.

So as you can see by now, I've come to dislike my own species over the years. I have no patience for them. I don't have oodles of patience for some men, either, and at this point in my life, I'm not that keen on people, regardless of what's between their legs.

If you want to be snarky, that's fine. If people think I'm a man for merely having the gumption to post an opinion that I know will get me some flaming, that's also fine. Both of these things are choices that are free to be made in the same way I had the choice to post what I posted. But do not dare think it's okay to try to make me feel lesser just because I have an opinion that you cannot amicably disagree with. I've been abused virtually my whole life, I'm not used it, I'm fed up of it.

If you've got this far, that means you can read. That's good. I don't much care.

I bid you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Have a good one and look after each other.

Edited

Show quote history

All of that is sad, and explains why you are anti-woman. Having an abusive mother is terrible.

None of it means you get to have an opinion on what unwanted sexual activity a 5-day post-partum woman should partake in. You know nothing about post-partum bodies and feelings. Your earlier posts were deleted.

I do worry that you haven’t done the hard work on yourself and you’re having a baby very soon. Be extremely careful about the messages you give them. Giving either a girl or a boy the message that women are horrible and dramatic, and men deserve handjobs when they want them is damaging to both. Someone is raising men who hate women and think they deserve what they get. Don’t let it be you.

Scarlettpixie · 24/12/2025 18:55

vodkaredbullgirl · 23/12/2025 18:28

Tell him to fuck off.

This.

Take it one day at a time and if he is being a twat, send him back to his mums for a bit. If you want to work on your relationship do it as parents and not as BF and GF. That can wait.

Scarlettpixie · 24/12/2025 19:07

Oh and congratulations 💐

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