He asked me for a handjob 5 days after giving birth.

[mondaystuesdays]

im new here, sorry this is in the wrong place i see posts here seem to get loads of traffic and could do with advice. please be kind though

i have a 5 day old baby boy. He was unplanned but he is loved. I don’t have family support and as a result I live in temporary accommodation by the council with baby. I split up with his dad before he was born but last week we met up and we agreed to get back together. Baby was then born on Thursday and he’s been supportive and staying over since Saturday as we got home Saturday morning.

we’ve just been bonding with him tbh but today I felt more myself and comfortable and we took him for a short walk. Baby was asleep when we got home and I was just resting too as I’ve been worrying about baby not waking up for a feed so I’ve not been resting when he’s been sleeping (google says it’s normal though)

Bf then started asking for a handjob, I said no and when he asked why I reminded him I gave birth 5 days ago. His response was “it’s not like full on sex” and then went to the bathroom after making a comment about doing it himself. He’s seemed to be in a mood all afternoon and has now gone out after saying he’s going out for a smoke.

please be kind as I’m new here but I’ve never posted before so sorry if this is wrong in any way. I don’t have any one else to speak to about this. I just noticed to get it out.

Yes and I understand where she's coming from. Then I give my opinion without being abrasive.

I've checked out of this thread, to be honest. I don't tolerate such disgusting abuse on this site.

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to and I don't have to give a further justification"

Join as many baby groups as you can and reach out to your friends. Send him back to his Mum's and have a good think about whether you want to stay in this relationship or not. Think hard about whether you want him on the birth certificate.

Ignore the manosphere gang/handmaids.

Bye then 👋

He sounds immature and will need to seriously wise up if you are to build a relationship.
Hope you are getting some support from somewhere.
I'm presuming that you are very young.
Hope you make the right decision.
If he was to wise up to the reality of parenting and supporting you both, it would be worth giving him a chance.
Take care OP

This!!! Couldn’t quite believe what I read there 😳

The word 'handmaids' seems rather unfortunate in the context of this thread.

Fully agree with you, BTW.

This is truly repulsive behaviour from him. Actually makes me feel a bit sick to be honest. You are so vulnerable when you have just given birth! To be honest I’d not be able to look at him and I think you’re better off without him if this is what he is like. All you need in those first few days in unconditional love and support. Please don’t feel you’re better off with him that without, you are not, you and your baby will find your feet and you do not need this kind of man around. Hope you and your baby are thriving and sending best wishes, those first few weeks are a real shock to the system but you will find your way.

Wow! I can't believe a "man" could be so selfish and uncaring. He should be offering to see to your comfort like maybe giving you a backrub or bringing you a cup of tea. If he's like this now, I can't imagine what he'll demand when you're feeling better.Hope you get rid of him before then!

Personally I would have been happy to give a handjob at that time, but then I love DH and he had been consistently supportive and lovable throughout my pregnancies (and still is, nearly 29 years after DC1 was born). I probably wouldn't have been happy to do it for someone I wasn't 100% sure I was happy with. Your reluctance probably says a lot about the relationship, and so does his unhelpful response. I wouldn't say it's a deal breaker yet, but keep an eye on how things are going because you may not be totally compatible.

It's tough OP. You feel tired and overwhelmed. But I am sure you are going to be ok. And I am sure of that because you instantly recognised his behaviour as unacceptable. You might have come here for validation, but you know what you deserve and what is right.

Trust your gut, stay strong, and focus your energy on your lovely baby. Think about mum and baby groups when you're ready, but there's no rush. Its early days and they'll be there when you feel the time is right.

Congratulations OP on your lovely new baby! It's a tiring time, but also so special. Don't let it be taken up by this gross man and his uninteresting penis - try not to give it any more headspace.

Not ideal with Christmas coming up, but especially if you don't have a lot of family / friends support, I'd really recommend going to some baby groups as soon as you can. If you have any Children's Centres you can get to, so much the better. Focus on expanding your network of people, in a way that is helpful to you and baby (where you don't have to "pay" with sexual favours!).

Because they have a baby together

Fair enough, I couldn't think of the right term for women who trot out all the manosphere lines - Erikas?

He has show you who he is. Believe him & leave him once and for all.

To be honest, I think that you selected exactly the right word the first time!

He's an absolute arsehole and I would get rid. He can still be a dad to your son without you having to put up with shit like this.

You literally listed things that men have invented like that was some sort of support for your opinion?!

That has nothing to do with it.

Why doesn’t this man get a job and provide a home for his partner and baby if as you say men provide women with everything we need.

Every person on here should be telling OP to get rid of this absolute waste of space, yet you seem to be the only one who disagrees.

You obviously have issues in your (perhaps non existent) relationship and are therefore projecting.

Well he's shown his true colours hasn't he show him the door and get rid what a waster

He’s being completely unreasonable. You owe him nothing. He owes you a lot of support for going through pregnancy/labour/postpartum to bear a child that is jointly his.

There is something quite seriously wrong with you.

Please don’t let your circumstances of being young stop you going to baby groups, you need mum friends in your corner right now and they are not going to be judging you, they are also entering this new wonderful but scary world of new motherhood and can be there for you.

Have you got a children’s centre near you? There’s one near me and I spent so much time there when my kid was born and most groups are free or very low cost. Definitely check to see if there are any near you.

They do everything from feeding clinics to play sessions and baby massage. You deserve to be there as much as anyone else and you will find that your mum friends become your rock if you seek it out.

I’m sorry you feel so alone it’s such a vulnerable time and you don’t need this gross, immature man around.

Hmm. Are you the waste-of-space boyfriend?

A handjob isn't intimacy, it's just a handjob. What does she get out of it (other than sticky fingers 🤢)?

In any case, she's only 5 days post partum. She doesn't have headspace for this, she's busy caring for her new baby.

@mondaystuesdays asking for a handjob is more than "a bit crass": it's breathtakingly insensitive. Is he good to you in other ways (and I don't mean apologising for things, I mean actually doing useful stuff - running you a bath, shopping for food, cleaning the house, making you a meal)? Is he contributing financially? If not, get rid.