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Original poster

He asked me for a handjob 5 days after giving birth.

231 replies

mondaystuesdays · 23/12/2025 18:23

im new here, sorry this is in the wrong place i see posts here seem to get loads of traffic and could do with advice. please be kind though

i have a 5 day old baby boy. He was unplanned but he is loved. I don’t have family support and as a result I live in temporary accommodation by the council with baby. I split up with his dad before he was born but last week we met up and we agreed to get back together. Baby was then born on Thursday and he’s been supportive and staying over since Saturday as we got home Saturday morning.

we’ve just been bonding with him tbh but today I felt more myself and comfortable and we took him for a short walk. Baby was asleep when we got home and I was just resting too as I’ve been worrying about baby not waking up for a feed so I’ve not been resting when he’s been sleeping (google says it’s normal though)

Bf then started asking for a handjob, I said no and when he asked why I reminded him I gave birth 5 days ago. His response was “it’s not like full on sex” and then went to the bathroom after making a comment about doing it himself. He’s seemed to be in a mood all afternoon and has now gone out after saying he’s going out for a smoke.

please be kind as I’m new here but I’ve never posted before so sorry if this is wrong in any way. I don’t have any one else to speak to about this. I just noticed to get it out.

OP posts:
LatteLady · 23/12/2025 21:15

@mondaystuesdays You are new on here, so you may not yet have learn an old Mumsnet adage, which is perfect for your situation, "No, is a complete sentence." You do not need to embellish it further, "No," is sufficient.

Congrats on the new arrival and the great news is you now have an amazing support network right here!

bellhawk · 23/12/2025 21:20

It's okay to be upset and also confused by your bf's reactions.

To give the benefit of the doubt, if he didn't attend any of your appointments and also doesn't know many people who have had kids I suppose he may genuinely not have understood what birth does to a woman, mentally and physically. It would be good if you can have a conversation with him about his expectations for intimacy and why it's important that you do things on your terms - when you feel ready. He may sulk again but that's another matter.

I also agree with others that you should really try to go to baby groups if you can - you can build your support network by putting yourself out there and future you will be grateful. Even if you only meet one new mum friend that you can confide in and spend time with that could do wonders for your confidence. I wish you luck with it.

Hippobot · 23/12/2025 21:24

Get this deadbeat fucker out of your life immediately or you'll seriously regret it.

StephensLass1977 · 23/12/2025 21:26

This reminds me of my (now very) ex. In 2014 my mother had just come through a cancer op, which we were told she may or may not come out of. But she did. I called him, my then-boyfriend from the hospital to let him know, and his reply? "So can I now come round for sex, seeing as you'll be in a good mood?"

He then had the cheek to try and return to me when he realised I subsequently met a far better, more decent man. I never spoke to that guy again.

I think you know what to do, op. Please, please get rid. It is only going to get worse.

fruitfly3 · 23/12/2025 21:33

OP, with kindness, you are young, vulnerable and without a lot of support. The thought of cutting him loose must be terrifying. But please, do just that. Make sure you take every bit of help you can - health visitors, Mums Aid, rhyme time at the library, church groups - I work in this space and there will be people and charities who exist just to support people like you. I have two wonderful colleagues both of who had children at 17 with very little family support. There were single mums for a long time. Both are 40 now and have done absolutely wonderfully - they have successful careers, their own homes and children who are thriving in their own right. You can do this, but you need to find people who can be your community so you don’t need to stay with a guy like this.

SapphireSeptember · 23/12/2025 21:36

@mondaystuesdays Are you still getting visits from your midwife? I'd be talking to her about it (or your health visitor.) They'll also be able to tell you about baby groups in your area.

LeftBoobGoneRogue · 23/12/2025 21:41

gmgnts · 23/12/2025 20:07

Do go to the baby groups - you'll find support there. And if anyone judges you for being young, judge them right back for being judgemental! Congratulations on your lovely new baby Flowers

Definitely go to some baby groups. I met one of my closest friends at one and were still great friends nearly 31 years later.
Congratulations on the birth of your baby boy. If his father isn’t treating you both with the love and respect you deserve, then get rid of him.

Happyasapiginmuck1 · 23/12/2025 21:43

mondaystuesdays · 23/12/2025 19:49

I don’t have any issue with him going out to smoke but it’s just the way he was in a mood all afternoon and he denied that he was, he said he was “just tired”. I wanted to discuss names for the baby with him

I was the one who broke up with him originally and we didn’t have much contact during the pregnancy until we started talking again and met up and agreed to try again and he was at the birth. His mum also didn’t help things as she accused me of trapping him for because I didn’t want an abortion and she just wasn’t supportive at all

i don’t know if I will go to baby groups as I am young and I worry about being judged, and friends drifted whilst I was pregnant so I just feel alone rn

Get yourself to your local family centre, talk to your health visitor, get to the groups, you'll find your own support network and will give your little one a great start in life. You can do this.

Happyjoe · 23/12/2025 21:48

OP, please get yourself strong first and foremost. Concentrate in getting into full-time accommodation, setting up a home for you and your gorgeous little baby, getting on with being a mum - and enjoy it. It doesn't feel like it but you really can do this without your ex's help. Why? Because he's not going to help, not really, he needs to change. He's going to bring you drama, his selfishness, confusion and will erode your self-esteem.

Once you are settled, strong and have had a chance to think, then start to think what kind of relationship you wish to have with him and what he can bring to your lives. You'll be doing it from a position of strength and a clearer head.

GreyBeeplus3 · 23/12/2025 21:50

Pick the 'baby' who you're his mum and he totally relies on you for everything
Get rid of the 'baby' who's only about unreasonable sexual demands and resentful strops

CinnamonJellyBeans · 23/12/2025 21:54

Would he still be interested in you if you didn't have your own flat?

localnotail · 23/12/2025 21:57

Is he also young? You need to sit him down and talk to him. Explain how hard it is for you, and explain that you need his support and understanding. And that you like him etc but at the moment you cant have any kind of sex, him asking you like that feels like he doesn't care about how you feel as you can't enjoy it as you are too tired. Observe his reaction and go from there. If he is willing to listen and understand - good, you can try to make it work. If he gets defensive and nasty - get rid.

If he is older and more experienced than you - definitely get rid, he is a user.

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/12/2025 21:59

Go to the groups. Get rid. This won’t get better.

Shedeboodinia · 23/12/2025 22:00

That's not ok.

HildegardP · 23/12/2025 22:01

The request was dumb, the sulk is predictive - he thinks he has a right to punish you for not providing sexual services.

If he can't cope with being refused a HJ 5 days after you gave birth, he can't cope with being an adult. Parents have to be the adults in the room. If he won't step up to that properly, all you're left with is 2 babies to look after, one of them over-sized.

I know that having someone to help you is huge when you have a new baby, but where is he now? Helping you & his son, or out pitying himself & getting shitfaced?

Theslummymummy · 23/12/2025 22:01

mondaystuesdays · 23/12/2025 18:23

im new here, sorry this is in the wrong place i see posts here seem to get loads of traffic and could do with advice. please be kind though

i have a 5 day old baby boy. He was unplanned but he is loved. I don’t have family support and as a result I live in temporary accommodation by the council with baby. I split up with his dad before he was born but last week we met up and we agreed to get back together. Baby was then born on Thursday and he’s been supportive and staying over since Saturday as we got home Saturday morning.

we’ve just been bonding with him tbh but today I felt more myself and comfortable and we took him for a short walk. Baby was asleep when we got home and I was just resting too as I’ve been worrying about baby not waking up for a feed so I’ve not been resting when he’s been sleeping (google says it’s normal though)

Bf then started asking for a handjob, I said no and when he asked why I reminded him I gave birth 5 days ago. His response was “it’s not like full on sex” and then went to the bathroom after making a comment about doing it himself. He’s seemed to be in a mood all afternoon and has now gone out after saying he’s going out for a smoke.

please be kind as I’m new here but I’ve never posted before so sorry if this is wrong in any way. I don’t have any one else to speak to about this. I just noticed to get it out.

I was asked for a bj the day after miscarriage

RandomUserName96 · 23/12/2025 22:02

Please Please try to go to some baby groups or stay and plays. The more you isolate yourself, the more this arse will control you. You'll see him as all you have/the only support when actually, he's the issue and you'd be better without.

When you say gone out for a smoke, im assuming you don't mean just tobacco?

Original poster
mondaystuesdays · 23/12/2025 22:05

He has been supportive too, he went to the shop to get food, he tries to settle the baby and he fed him a bottle earlier when he got back . He has an apprenticeship that he’s doing, with his mum she treats him like he can do no wrong especially because he’s her youngest. And that was one of the reasons why I broke up with him amonst other things.

thanks for the replies everyone

and yes he is also young

OP posts:
crazeekat · 23/12/2025 22:09

You are worth way way more than this. U need all the help you can get…..but NOT from him. He is bad bad news. Do not put him on the birth certificate, do not add him to your household, and do not give him any money or control over your finances. Speak to your health visitor for help to begin with. Focus everything u have now on your baby. This is essential. U need to bond as much as you can and don’t need this horrible icky man causing you needless stress. Please do as others have said and get rid of him. You will meet someone else down the line but right now is not time to get back into relationships that have red flags all over. Please do this for your child and yourself.

DurinsBane · 23/12/2025 22:13

mondaystuesdays · 23/12/2025 19:49

I don’t have any issue with him going out to smoke but it’s just the way he was in a mood all afternoon and he denied that he was, he said he was “just tired”. I wanted to discuss names for the baby with him

I was the one who broke up with him originally and we didn’t have much contact during the pregnancy until we started talking again and met up and agreed to try again and he was at the birth. His mum also didn’t help things as she accused me of trapping him for because I didn’t want an abortion and she just wasn’t supportive at all

i don’t know if I will go to baby groups as I am young and I worry about being judged, and friends drifted whilst I was pregnant so I just feel alone rn

How young? There are lots of young mums in baby groups. If you are a teenager, and don’t fancy a ‘normal’ group, there are groups specifically for teenage mums

DaisyChain505 · 23/12/2025 22:14

Lives at home with mummy, smokes and pesters a 5 day post birth mother for sex . He’s a fucking creep and not a catch.

Twofortheroadwanderlust · 23/12/2025 22:14

Not withstanding the fact that he sounds hideous - He should NOT be staying in your Temporary Accommodation under ANY circumstances. He has not qualified for TA and been checked out as safe and in need of accommodation and there may be other vulnerable women , babies and families there.

Newmama4321 · 23/12/2025 22:23

Sorry I know this is not why you’re posting but my baby didn’t wake for feeds either and I had to wake her up every few hours - ask your HV if you need to do the same xx

Cyclebabble · 23/12/2025 22:29

What a charmer. The red flashing light and klaxon is at a deafening volume.

blueumbrella2016 · 23/12/2025 22:30

Your priority should be on recovery.