To be thinking something so awful?

[iamsoashamedofmyself]

I’m aware I’m going to get absolutely destroyed for this. My dad has three children. Me, and two older daughters by his first wife.

His first wife insists that at Christmas she cannot be without her daughters. She refuses. So my dad has never had a Christmas dinner with all of his children present. His ex refuses to even entertain the idea of us all having dinner together. My older sister has a child now and he has never seen his grandchild at Christmas. His first wife times the days so that there is no time for us to see them.

We do a redo on Boxing Day (with dinner and the trimmings) every year but it’s not the same is it? For the last thirty years my dad has never enjoyed Christmas. He has always made sure there was magic there when I was younger, but every year I can tell it breaks his heart that he’s not getting to see his whole family.

This is where the awful thoughts come in. Sometimes I wish his first wife would just die. I know it would destroy my sisters and i hate myself for even daring to think it, but god I wish my dad could have just one good Christmas, with everyone. I wish we could just have one good Christmas as a family. Hearing everyone discussing their Christmas plans at work, knowing that our Christmas Day will be horrendous, breaks my heart. I just wish she wasn’t so selfish and could let my dad have one good Christmas.

After 40 years you can't change their mum, I don't agree with her actions but your dad and your side of the family are allowing the mum to control all of your lives for 40 years now. You can control your actions and plans, and don't tell the mum so she can't ruin it.

For example, this year I celebrated Christmas on the 21st Dec, I don't have my kids for Christmas. We had such a great day, and this morning they go tk their dad's. Doing our Christmas before the 25th means I'm not as grumpy and sad as I thought I would be, I got to enjoy Christmas without my ex trying to destroy it, and we as a larger family enjoy our time together. We did Christmas eve. Boxing day. The lot.

After 40 years it's time to make a change. So after this Christmas have a talk as family and work out a new plan. Lots of kids have two Christmasses now, and this prevents your sisters, BIL and nephew from being exhausted on Boxing day with you guys.

At the end of the day, the 25th Dec isn't working for you all as a family so just change the date and enjoy yourselves. Stop letting that woman control the whole situation, allowing her that level of power for 40 years is madness!

Of course dad's can miss their children, no one is saying otherwise. People are saying that after 40 years he needs to build a bridge and get the fuck over it. He's ruining things for everyone because he enjoys it at this point.

I think doing Christmas on Christmas eve is a good suggestion if the issue is that they are tired and hungover.

But as a more general point. Having a good Christmas is a choice. If your dad wants to ruin Christmas day for you and your mum because he's sulking about something that will never change then that's not fair on you and you are within your rights to do something different.

Who else do you have in your life? Partner? Friends? Proactively create the Christmas you want then you can invite your parents and sisters! They might actually come if it looks fun!

Ask your half sisters on boxing day without your dad being there ... next year can our Dad (and me) just have one family christmas ... just one!

I can’t believe this thread is still going. Is this even real?
The only person who sounds remotely likeable here is OPs mum.

No one wants two consecutive Xmas days how ever much they love Christmas

That's categorically not true.

Not many pps have addressed the actual AIBU of wishing the ex dead though. That's been largely ignored as irrelevant because of the more important attitudes and dynamics of everyone involved in the story (including the OP's character) that have perpetuated such an unhealthy acceptance of "horrendous" Christmasses for forty years without doing something about it.

I'd expect a qualified therapist to do the same tbh.

Well, OP's mum has allowed her husband to make their daughter feel like second best, and been entirely complicit in giving her shitty Christmases her whole life. Surely most mums would be pretty fucking furious if their DH spent Christmas sulking in a corner, telling their young DD there was no point making any effort just for her. I really, really hope this isn't true as if it is, both parents appear horribly cruel. I can't really blame OP for wanting to kill off her dad's ex if she believes it's the only way she'll get an actual Christmas, though I suspect she's more likely to get one by leaving her parents to it and finding a new group of friends or family who actually value her presence.

Only your sisters can decide whether they will stand up to their mother and her histrionics or not; you can't make them. I know it gets you down, but this is what happens sometimes when people divorce and remarry. You can't fix it; try to let it go.

You are not unreasonable to wish she would just vanish, that’s a normal thought. No reason to think you would act on it, however dreadful she is, especially as you know she is loved by those you love (sisters).
However OP, honestly you need to stop buying in to this drivel. Your dad is behaving appallingly and somehow convinced you that it is normal justified behaviour. It absolutely is not.
Almost every person I know has an imperfect Christmas Day, not seeing everyone we’d like to, due to divorce, blended families, death, geography, work, countless reasons. Most of us just have to make do and spread the meet ups over various days. That’s just life I am afraid!
Your father is incredibly selfish and self absorbed. Take a step back and make a decision to do better than him, or you will also spend 40 years spreading misery!

His ex wife sounds quite unwell tbh.
Your sisters undoubtedly have trauma tied up in all of this (it's essentially coercive control).
Your dad isn't helping the situation. It's been 4 decades, it's time to get over it or do something different (e.g. Christmas eve)

Only if you let it be. Christmas in my family is a week long affair. I'm sure poor miserable daddy could celebrate on boxing day if he actually wanted to but it seems he's very emotionally manipulative and doesn't want to.

Sorry, but your DF & his first wife both sound grim, sulking & manipulating & making their offspring. I'm amazed that you all haven't gone nc on both of them!

They are adults, it's clear they want to be with their mum.

Exactly this! My grans only daughter and best friend died in 1991 and she always says she'd give up all her future christmas' to have one more Christmas with her as a child. Really can't believe dad throws his toys out the pram because he sees his kids on boxing day 🙄

Your half sisters are grown ups and can decide not to go, and call their mothers bluff.

Honestly, to me you dad is at fault too. He knew when he split up from his first wife that things would be different. If he gets you all round on Boxing Day for a second Christmas then why is he making you all miserable on Christmas Day. I think you all need to adjust how you see it, especially your Dad.

But yiu are all together in boxing day? Don’t let outside pressures - media, etc - make you think that you have to have a ‘perfect’ Xmas day or that anything else is second best. There’s far too much pressure on this one day - it’s a season . Enjoy your whole family Boxing Day and treasure them. Have a lovely Christmas 🤶

Exactly. She sounds horrible, but so does he.

She wouldn't take her own life, it is hysterical manipulative behaviour. Unfortunately no one has stood up to her all these years and they're too afraid and conditioned to do it now. The adult children should have dinner with their mum and then say they are going to see their dad and just do it. I guarantee she will survive.

There is no reason for all this to be so miserable. Your Dad has a lovely wife and daughter with whom he gets to spend Christmas Day and his other daughters and their families join them all for Boxing Day. Why can't you have 2 lovely days? If it is because your dad is miserable and he makes it miserable for you and your Mum, then he is being a shitty husband and father. Who the fuck would throw the roast away if you made one? If that is your Dad then I have no idea why you are defending him. It was his job to make this work and not take his disappointment out on the family he does get to see on Christmas. If he carries on like that I would be leaving him on his own (and it's not a redo unless you do it properly twice)!

He and your mum and now you have had years to figure out how to make this work. Why not do a different fancy dinner if you want to save the turkey for Boxing Day? If Boxing Day isn't great (too soon), how about 27th or even new years day? Or you could have the turkey on Christmas Day and do something different on Boxing Day. There are so many ways you could make this work better.

You can't make his ex into something else, you can only work on how her behaviour affects you or rather how you respond to it. Stop letting her spoil things. Make plans, have fun, enjoy. Jeez. A lot of people spend Christmas alone or aren't able to see their children over Christmas. You are so lucky to have each other.

Also curious as to when the BILs get to see their families?

She sounds lonely and vulnerable and highly emotionally - probably why your other sisters go along with her plans.

When you think of the point of xmas it is about spending time together. Yes you dont get to do that on xmas day all together but that is just the situation. You are doing the next best thing which is doing it on boxing day as best you can. You are adapting around the situation. She wont be around forever. Just carry on as you are, I can understand the frustration but there is nothing you can do about it without causing someone misery - which would affect you all regardless.

It's unrealistic for a parent of adults some of whom have their own children to expect to spend Christmas with their 'children'. It might not have been unreasonable to have negotiated Christmas differently on divorce when the children were children. But that's gone now.

Ongoing moping about it for years will probably have affected your enjoyment of Christmas.

There are solutions - the obvious one is moving Boxing Day to 27th December so your sisters get a day 'off' between bits of family Christmas. There are twelve days of Christmas.

You have options too - though they're probably too unpalatable. You don't have to spend Christmas with your dad if he's going to spend the day being grumpy, you could go and see other friends / family.

To consider in say March- you could spend Christmas Day volunteering for eg. Crisis at Christmas

Your sisters could consider going on holiday over Christmas.

It's worth exploring the relationships section of here and looking for a thread making reference to stately homes / fear, obligation and guilt - this is the territory your sisters' mum is in and it may take your sisters some effort to break away from it. When they do it's going to be more likely they'll want to do Christmas at their own homes or with their partner's family (if any) than necessarily with your dad. You can have a knee jerk response that every time she threatens suicide you phone the police for a welfare check She'll soon stop making that kind of threat.

So basically it is your sisters that are at fault for being easily manipulated. Erm ok then

Have you even read the thread?

What he wants is for his older daughters to come to his for Christmas day, but that's not happening (apparently).

Your dad sounds very childish tbh. You've suffered miserable Christmases your entire life because he's heartbroken his other kids aren't there? You're there! Surely he can enjoy Christmas with your mum and yourself. Why are you two not enough?!!!