To be thinking something so awful?

[iamsoashamedofmyself]

I’m aware I’m going to get absolutely destroyed for this. My dad has three children. Me, and two older daughters by his first wife.

His first wife insists that at Christmas she cannot be without her daughters. She refuses. So my dad has never had a Christmas dinner with all of his children present. His ex refuses to even entertain the idea of us all having dinner together. My older sister has a child now and he has never seen his grandchild at Christmas. His first wife times the days so that there is no time for us to see them.

We do a redo on Boxing Day (with dinner and the trimmings) every year but it’s not the same is it? For the last thirty years my dad has never enjoyed Christmas. He has always made sure there was magic there when I was younger, but every year I can tell it breaks his heart that he’s not getting to see his whole family.

This is where the awful thoughts come in. Sometimes I wish his first wife would just die. I know it would destroy my sisters and i hate myself for even daring to think it, but god I wish my dad could have just one good Christmas, with everyone. I wish we could just have one good Christmas as a family. Hearing everyone discussing their Christmas plans at work, knowing that our Christmas Day will be horrendous, breaks my heart. I just wish she wasn’t so selfish and could let my dad have one good Christmas.

Do yours Christmas eve day?

This. Seriously. This is how his family life has unfolded. It isn't fair but life often isn't. He has a lovely celebration with all his children on the 26th. He needs to cop himself on.

If your dad didn't mope about this you could be writing "my dad's older children by his first wife always go to her for xmas day but we have a brilliant celebration all together on boxing day and it really extends christmas for us"

Honestly, I can’t believe you can’t see your Dad’s selfishness! Regardless of the rights and wrongs of Ex behaviour, he couldn’t plaster on a smile for his daughter on Christmas???

He makes it all about himself, what kind of awful self esteem do you have to tolerate being told you’re not enough for him to enjoy the day. He would bin a proper lunch?? Of course it would be lovely if you were all together, but you make the best of it.

When you were a child, was he like this too? This is so terribly sad.

Why can’t your sisters decide for themselves that it’s dad’s turn as mum has had enough Christmas days?

That said, my dad had an affair and chose to broke up the family so I never feel bad that we don’t see him on Christmas Day - he chose to leave and if he hadn’t done that then he’d still get to see his family on special days.

No you aren’t. All those who have said YABU must never have had an impure thought.

Im a mental health practitioner. Thoughts don’t make you “bad”. Its how you behave that matters.

Iv had a boss i used to imagine pushing off a cliff. Im not a bad person. Just human.

You haven't met my mother.

Your dad sounds as emotionally manipulative as his first wife.

If you cooked a roast it would get binned? So you eat a ready made roast instead? Don’t be ridiculous 🙄

I’d go somewhere else for a lovely lunch with my Mum and let my Dad get on with it with his ready meal til Boxing Day, if he was selfish enough to have made us feel second best for 40 years.
Ex wife sounds unhinged but honestly, that’s no excuse.

Two things can be true at the same time.

1. Your dad’s ex wife is completely unreasonable (and frankly her daughters need to stand up to her and call her bluff) and 2.Your dad is also being very unreasonable by refusing to make the most of what he’s got and making you miserable too.

It’s really just another day. Celebrate Christmas on the last Sunday before Xmas day? Start a new tradition. Not on Boxing Day when everyone is tired and cranky.
or go out to a restaurant or take your parents away for a few days?
literally ignore the actual date. It’s just a date. I wouldn’t make a big deal because it won’t change and your sisters are in a difficult position.

Why have you nie read ops updates, it's wuite clear the woman is manipulative and guilt trips the daughters.

You’re being ridiculous. Just cook properly and enjoy the day. It sounds like your half sisters aren’t bothered about spending Christmas Day with you. And it really doesn’t matter, you can be together on Boxing Day.

Your dad sounds sulky and presumably your sisters are ok with seeing their mum Xmas day. I don’t know how old you are but you all sound like you are making Christmas horrendous. I would be incredibly insulted if your Dad was unhappy he just has you Xmas day and none of you make an effort. What about your mum? Can you move things around so you see your sisters Xmas Eve instead so they are not all hungover and tired?

I have tried not to say this, and I hope it doesn't upset you too much - but then you probably won't agree with me anyway, so I should probably stop worrying about it anyway! Anyway, to get to my point, my viewpoint of this situation is that it is your Dad's fault that your Christmas Days have been ruined, not his first wife's. What on earth is, and was, an adult father doing in indulging/letting himself be noticeably upset on Christmas Day, every year, for 40 of years?!? He is completely pathetic, and weak, and indulgent, and performative to behave like that, and ruin all of his 3rd daughter's Christmases in such a selfish manner.

In fact, his behaviour is so performative that it leaves me doubting that he actually cares very much about any of his daughters. His selfishness as an adult in ruining his second family's Christmases is actually practically unbelievable, or at least it should be!

There is another thread trending at the moment, which mentions Emma Thompson in it's headline. Please read, even the first two pages, of that thread @iamsoashamedofmyself All those mothers who are putting on brave - and far too often - incredibly brave faces, so that their families, particularly, of course, their dear children, can have a wonderful and magical Christmas, just shows that the thing you should be most ashamed of, is your father's behaviour over all these years, but especially when you were only a child yourself.

However, you appear to have been a fully fledged adult for a long time now OP - unless of course your Mum and dad had you very late, which I will assume for now is not the case - so please don't let your father influence you to such an extent, that his annual 'performance' becomes something that you either share, or take over the responsibility of, by appearing to join him in making sure that Christmas Day is always miserable for those around you.

I think that one of the best things you, and your dear - probably long suffering -Mum, if she is - hopefully -still around, can do, is to celebrate Christmas without your Dad at all. If it is too late to do that this year, then tell him later on today what his behaviour looks like to people outside of his immediate 2nd family, and see what his reaction to that is. I don't know what rose to say to try to convince you to at least consider what I have said here, so I will just finish by hoping that you can have at least, a Happy Christmas.

It's all just so dramatic. Firstly your sisters are adults so they can still say no to her even if she's making these insane demands. Then your dad being so dramatic that he ruins Christmas, and yes, wanting her to die over is is really unreasonable.

Your dad is really not the innocent victim you’re making him out to be, he’s ruining it for himself at this point choosing to mope around and refusing to do anything and making it shit for you and your mum.

that said, I can’t believe anyone is defending his ex wife! There is no reason for her daughters to spend every Christmas Day ever with her. Of course someone should stand up to her. If someone tried to emotionally blackmail or threaten me into seeing them at Christmas by saying they’d kill themselves my response would be “oh well. You better get on with it then!” And I simply would not see them again, probably ever. Yes, even if it was my mother.

At this point in most parents lives, they don't get to see their adult kids every Christmas Day. Some will hardly ever see them for the main event.
Their kids are likely to have partners who have parents who want to see them, too. Or they may well have children who they want to be at home with. Or they might have moved away, or have jobs where they have to work on the day

I love my kids, and they seem to like me too. But last year I was alone on Christmas Day. This year I only have one daughter and her partner visiting on Christmas Day. The other DD and her DH and my grandkids will be here on Boxing Day, as they'd like to be at home on Christmas Day. Last year she was working (she's a nurse) so our Christmas Day was on Boxing Day.

I get that the reason why he doesn't see his other DDs makes it extra upsetting, and the ex does sound awful, but he simply can't just sit there spoiling your day.

Head over to the 'doing an Emma Thompson' thread, to see how brave and stoical some women are having to be this Christmas.

ETA that I now see that I'm not the only one recommending that thread. It really does put things in perspective

Another ETA I say, jeeze, he gets to see them on Boxing Day! And again, you both do nothing but whinge that it's not good enough, when many parents of adults would be thrilled to see their kids for just Boxing Day.

I don’t see why it matters if you celebrate on Boxing Day? You’re still all getting together, just a day later. That’s when my family celebrate Christmas as it just works out easier for ex’s, DP to see his DC etc. I just reframe it in my mind that the 26th is the big day. No big deal. I think your DDad being miserable is the problem and really there’s no need for him to be if he changes his mindset.

With every respect to your dad, he does seem to be over-investing in insisting that he must see his daughters and grandchildren on Christmas Day and that, no matter how much effort the rest of the family makes, he is going to hate it all and be miserable. Is waiting one day really so awful that it ruins the entire day? So many parents cannot see all their families on Christmas Day for various reasons - they live too far away, someone is working, someone can't drive, etc etc. Being guaranteed to see them on Boxing Day would feel like a pretty good deal to those parents.

He should do better than that, you’re his child too and it’s one day. He should do so much better than that for you and his wife, and accept things that are out of his control .

The thing is, if she's that invested in seeing them she clearly isn't going to put any of her threats into effect. They should call her bluff.

Then do the big get together on Christmas Eve, so that the ex gets the tired version.

This is ridiculous. We always used to go to my dad’s side on Boxing Day. It was Christmas - nobody whined or was grumpy and hungover and we saw lots of cousins and nobody went this is fucking shit and the kids are a pain- we were no more of a pain than we were on Christmas Day.