To be thinking something so awful?

[iamsoashamedofmyself]

I’m aware I’m going to get absolutely destroyed for this. My dad has three children. Me, and two older daughters by his first wife.

His first wife insists that at Christmas she cannot be without her daughters. She refuses. So my dad has never had a Christmas dinner with all of his children present. His ex refuses to even entertain the idea of us all having dinner together. My older sister has a child now and he has never seen his grandchild at Christmas. His first wife times the days so that there is no time for us to see them.

We do a redo on Boxing Day (with dinner and the trimmings) every year but it’s not the same is it? For the last thirty years my dad has never enjoyed Christmas. He has always made sure there was magic there when I was younger, but every year I can tell it breaks his heart that he’s not getting to see his whole family.

This is where the awful thoughts come in. Sometimes I wish his first wife would just die. I know it would destroy my sisters and i hate myself for even daring to think it, but god I wish my dad could have just one good Christmas, with everyone. I wish we could just have one good Christmas as a family. Hearing everyone discussing their Christmas plans at work, knowing that our Christmas Day will be horrendous, breaks my heart. I just wish she wasn’t so selfish and could let my dad have one good Christmas.

That's just mad. There is no reason why your sisters have to be there to make it a celebration. When we were first married and a long way from both sets of in-laws, we had some lovely celebratory Christmas Days with just the two of us - and our respective families also managed to enjoy themselves. You should aim to have a proper Christmas appeal with lots of wine, preceded by Bucks' Fizz first thing in the morning to get you in the mood, and lots of silly games or a nice Christmas walk, or whatever you enjoy doing. It really sounds like it would help your father to shake him out of his somewhat unnecessary misery.

Ah and here we have it, your dad makes your Christmas shit every year. I’m sorry he’s not good at being a dad to you or a husband ri your mum. If I were you I’d tell him you make Christmas every year shit because your other two children don’t come, I’m not coming either if you cannot be arsed having a decent Christmas meal because it’s just me and mum. Mum, I’ll host and we will have roast and gravy and trimmings and go for a walk and watch movies and grumpy old fart who thinks we don’t count can stay here and marinate in his misery. We will come back for Boxing Day, all rested and merry.

this is what you should do op, learn from your dad and don’t be like him- don’t let him continue to spoil Christmas, and always remember some things are in your power to change and some aren’t, and concentrate on the ones that are, here there are lots. You don’t have to be there Christmas Day, you don’t have to accept his misery, you absolutely definitely can have a roast and moany grinch cannot stop you, make your mum and you happy and have an amazing Christmas.

I’m not defending his ex wife- they should have stayed together because they absolutely deserve each other. The poor op having years and years of this shit from her dad who never thought she or her mum were enough to count as a celebration, and she’s absorbed this bullshit so much she blames the ex wife. I’m only surprised her mum is still with her dad, instead of telling him to take his miserable grinch face and get the fuck out of her house because it’s fucking Christmas and I’m making a fucking roast, you miserable fucking sod.

Split families always have to navigate these things at Christmas. When I haven’t had my children on Christmas Day I just mentally made Boxing Day our “real” Christmas day.

My children grew up with two Christmas Days most years, one with me and one with their dad. Two days of presents and two Christmas Dinners. They loved it!

Agree with this. Dh and I are going to our twin baby boys grave tomorrow like we always have the past two years on Christmas Eve since our twins died..

I know split families are hard but he has three healthy children and a grandchild who can see 364 days of the year if he wants to. I'd do anything to see my baby sons again even if it was for a minute. Dont wish someone ill like you have, even if you are being silly, life can change so quickly.

By you buying into all this drama, she's winning. The reality is your sisters choose to go to their mum's, so your dad needs to accept it (accept! Not agree with it) and recognise he has a responsibility to you and your mum to put a brave face on. No more microwave dinners- go out somewhere nice for xmas lunch. Make your own traditions, don't all sit at home moping and letting her win. That's just choosing victimhood.

Omfg. It’s just a day. We do our Christmas lunch a week before so both sides of the family can celebrate. Who cares what calendar day it is! We get two Christmases!

Growing up my dd went to her dads every other Christmas.
this left her brother here with me and his dad.
we had a fantastic time
it’s one day.
all grown up now
of our 4 adult kids we rarely get them all together Christmas Day - they’re all doing their own thing
But we have a great time, with who ever turns up and love each others very much.
Your dad needs to get over himself.
Be glad he has 3 healthy children
This is 40 years of wasted bitterness.
As for the mother - kill herself ??
Batshit - I’d call her bluff the first time this happened- selfish.

Do neither of your sisters have partners? What would happen if their in-laws insisted on having them for Christmas? Would your dad still sulk about that, or is it just them choosing their mum over him that he has a problem with?

I'm afraid your dad has to take a lot of the blame here. He has had 40 years to come to terms with the fact that his ex is psychotic and to develop coping strategies. Instead, he's let the absence of his now adult children affect him so badly that the misery radiates to the whole family and the dinner gets thrown in the bin! That's a whole other level of childish.
It's sad that you don't see your nephew and DS in the day itself. But honestly Boxing Day sounds like a good compromise in the circumstances.

Really? If you cooked a lovely roast, he'd bin it? Well, your dad is an arse and deserves to be miserable, with that sort of nasty, ungrateful attitude, and I can understand why - given the option - your half-sisters choose to celebrate Christmas elsewhere! He can't be very fun to be around.

There are so many solutions to this. For instance, my parents are divorced, and I never spend Christmas Day with my father as he spends it with his second wife's family. Instead, we have Christmas lunch at his place one weekend in December that suits all my siblings and me. My mother never spends Christmas Day with my siblings, who go to their partners' family Christmases - instead she spends the day with me and mine, and sees my siblings on other days.

If your half-sisters are worn out on Boxing Day, then have your family lunch on Christmas Eve instead, or even the weekend before Christmas. Honestly, your father is being such a bruised testicle about it that it makes it seem as though he doesn't value you and your mum very much.

Fucking hell. If this is really, and I doubt it, you all need to grow the fuck up.

And his ex-wife wants the same - all of her children under the one roof - so why should his wishes be more important?
He had a family with his first wife, left them (decades ago), had another family, but still wants to dictate how the first wife gets to spend Xmas Day - ie without her children.
He sounds awful, as many people have said, acting like he’s miserable and sorely-wronged…and you’re making him worse by indulging his childish petulance.
As many have said, you could have the day together on a different day, and CHOOSE to enjoy that day regardless if it’s a day later.

Why doesn't your dad stop feeding the misery and do what he wants? @iamsoashamedofmyself

I feel sorry for your sisters. They have two toxic parents that are trying to manipulate them into spending Christmas with them, if I was them I’d stay home and not see either.

So your Dad spoils your Christmas because he cannot have all his family around.

Did he do this when you were a child OP, after he left his daughters and his first wife?

Just move the whole thing to Boxing Day. We often did when I was growing up as my mum often worked on Christmas Day. A family member does Boxing Day now as it guarantees she gets all her adult children & grandchildren. They all see their in laws on Xmas day or do their own thing - it’s become a family tradition. I did a few times when kids were younger to meet needs of my eldest. I’n thinking I prob will next year as it’s easier with my eldest and as my kids get older will work well around them and their partners. It can work well if you just embrace it.

Your poor mum.

OP after my parents were divorced and my Dad remarried we always spent Christmas Day with my mother who would otherwise have been alone.

We spent Christmas Eve at my Dad's which was always an enjoyable occasion.

My Dad never showed any resentment about this and just got on with it.

Your Dad sounds a bit self absorbed

This is a melodramatic pity party.

Why doesn’t your Dad do the regular childcare for his DD, then their mum can’t hang it over the DD’s head as a threat to remove if they don’t go to hers on Xmas day?

Why should he get the fun days if he’s not putting in the (presumably free) labour that comes with being the default childcare for your GC?

Have Xmas day at your Dad’s on Xmas eve.

His Dds could stay sober on Xmas day (or at least drink less) so they’re not hungover on Boxing Day?

There’s so many solutions to this “problem”, but it sounds like you all just want a big moan.

Your dad is still a child, and that’s why you feel responsible for his feelings. You are not responsible for them.

So hang on a minute. Ex wife commands Christmas day or she will kill herself - your dad doesn't get Christmas day with all his kids as a consequence. She won't do Christmas day with all of you or she will kill herself - dad still doesn't get Christmas day. You guys get boxing day instead with your sister's but your dad isn't happy. You guys can't do Christmas on Christmas eve again because she would kill herself. It's been 40 years since ex and dad split. Your mum arrives 5 years later. You came along say 30 years ago. You say she blames you for splitting her and your dad up but refuses to interact with your dad since (which if she is still pining over him would be optimal make a move time). Your sisters refused to point out to her that her maths is wrong and that she is delusional that she and your dad would ever get back together whether you were here or not and they are fed up having to be emotionally blackmailed to not ever be allowed to see their dad on Christmas day? Honestly, she has no reason to change her behaviour - why? You have a sister problem, not an ex wife problem. Until they make a change, your dad isn't going to get the Christmas he wants. Why should she change that behaviour? You also have a dad problem - his wishing for a Christmas with all his family present (which isn't wrong by the way) is making you feel inferior. Have you ever sat down with your father and sisters and explained how you feel? That on Christmas you get to feel like an affair baby because ex wife blames you for split and sisters take her side so she isn't alone on Christmas day meanwhile your dad puts in less effort/wallows/makes it obvious he isn't happy FOR YOUR WHOLE LIFE so Christmas day is something to dread for you? If you haven't spoken up about this, do it now or forever have a rubbish Christmas. And if you have and nothing changes, why are you putting up with this behaviour? And where is your mum in all of this? Why hasn't she told him to give his head a wobble? It's been 40 years for heavens sake. What did he do for the 10 years before you came along? I feel for you, I do, but you are blaming the wrong person here.

There’s a touch of misandry in this thread. If the op’s dad was her mum and had never seen her children on Christmas Day for 40 years because of the highly manipulative actions of her ex husband, you would all be saying how awful it was, not telling her ‘mum’ to get a grip. Dads can also miss their children.

That said the time for your dad to fight it was 40 years ago and when your older sisters were children. The dye is set now and you can either continue to allow it to ruin Christmas or not. As it’s just the three of you why don’t you plan to go out? Or go away for it somewhere fancy even? It’s established the older sisters can’t come but you don’t all have to sit around being sad about it every year for 40 years!

When do your poor bils get to see their families at Christmas.