To be thinking something so awful?

[iamsoashamedofmyself]

I’m aware I’m going to get absolutely destroyed for this. My dad has three children. Me, and two older daughters by his first wife.

His first wife insists that at Christmas she cannot be without her daughters. She refuses. So my dad has never had a Christmas dinner with all of his children present. His ex refuses to even entertain the idea of us all having dinner together. My older sister has a child now and he has never seen his grandchild at Christmas. His first wife times the days so that there is no time for us to see them.

We do a redo on Boxing Day (with dinner and the trimmings) every year but it’s not the same is it? For the last thirty years my dad has never enjoyed Christmas. He has always made sure there was magic there when I was younger, but every year I can tell it breaks his heart that he’s not getting to see his whole family.

This is where the awful thoughts come in. Sometimes I wish his first wife would just die. I know it would destroy my sisters and i hate myself for even daring to think it, but god I wish my dad could have just one good Christmas, with everyone. I wish we could just have one good Christmas as a family. Hearing everyone discussing their Christmas plans at work, knowing that our Christmas Day will be horrendous, breaks my heart. I just wish she wasn’t so selfish and could let my dad have one good Christmas.

It's not the same thing. Christmas and all the excitement is over on Boxing Day.

I don't think that's very nice really, the way your dad behaves. After all, he has his second wife and child...you. There are consequences to divorce unfortunately, but at least he still has a family to spend the day with. Lots of divorced parents and kids have to divide and conquer. He sees them boxing day.

It doesn't have to be the most special day of the year. They could make Christmas Eve the most special day of the year in their family. Or boxing day. Lots of families split the holiday that way and they all managed to live with it without making everyone else miserable.

Only if you make it be over.

We have two Christmas Days (one with my family, one with his) and each is just as good and Christmassy as the other.

I’ll be 44 in January. I moved out from my Mum and Dad’s aged 20. Ever since, and through a number of relationships, I have varied where I am and what I’m doing for Christmas Day: some years spent back home with the DPs, others with the respective In Laws, others spent at home with my other half and our dogs in just our ‘family’ unit, a couple of years hosting my DPs or my PILs.

But EVERY YEAR since 2002, for Boxing Day (one year of Covid being the exception), me, whoever my partner was over the years and for the past 15 years my DH, plus my 2 brothers (with their wives and subsequent children), have all got together at my Mum and Dad’s for a lovely family meal. I can give or take Christmas Day to be honest, especially when it’s just me and DH as it tends to just be a really lazy day, drinking too much Buck’s Fizz, but I love and look forward to our family Boxing Day all together.

All that to say, Christmas is what you make it. You and your Dad shouldn’t get hung up on the date on the calendar but should put your energy into making the best of the day that you do get with your sisters/daughters..

It's silly to sulk the way your dad is. It's not like he doesn't actually get to see his family. He even gets you all together the next day! He's ruining your Christmases with this martyr act. I'd be telling him to get his act together and be grateful for what he has.

And for your part, you're a grown woman, and all this obsessing over your dad's first wife is just weird. I'm sorry, but it is. All this "she hates me" and "I sometimes wish she was dead" stuff, and letting yourself get sucked into the drama. It's very teenage. Stop letting her live rent-free in your head!

I think all this "Christmas is ruined" and "my evil ex wife" stuff is just you regurgitating your dad's feelings, without even realising that's what's happening. Try to distance yourself. I'm sure you love him, but his problems are his problems, and his moods are his moods. They don't have to become yours. I know you feel sorry for him, but it sounds like he's not appreciating the lovely Christmas he does get, and all that you do for him.

Then have your Christmas two days later so the hangovers have cleared.

I'm surprised you even spend xmas day with your dad. He sounds thoroughly miserable, incredibly childish and totally self absorbed.

I'd leave him to his sulking if I were you - go and have a fab xmas with friends somewhere else.

This post absolutely nails it. The best one on here.

I agree, some poor people don't get a wonderful day with family. My DH's boss lost his wife to cancer a few weeks ago, and will be grieving on Christmas day.

The OP and her dad really need to get some perspective here.

You all sounds as ridiculous as each other. Slitting your wrists and chucking roast dinners in the bin over…having to celebrate on Boxing Day? There are 12 days of Christmas.

There are some high maintenance drama queens on this site but this might be the maddest post I’ve read for a long time.

OP you’ve internalised your Dad’s resentment. In life even if we can’t change our situation we can always change our attitude towards it. He can’t control his exW but he can control how he reacts. Guaranteed even if you did get everyone together it wouldn’t be the ideal Christmas or cure all that you think it would be. That’s life.

Sure Oscar Wilde put it best when he said there are two tragedies in this life: the first is not getting what you want, the second is getting it… or in other words take the good & bad in the same hand.

It’s a day. Many would love to see relatives on Boxing Day but can’t for many reasons including that they have passed on, sadly including children. There are still lots of blessings. Your nephew was 3 last boxing day. He might be in great form. Your Dad still gets to see all his family over the festivities and I’d disagree it’s not the same. Why not invest your efforts into making Boxing Day the highlight?

+Imho. Your Dad really should have hidden his hurt and thoughts all these years as Christmas is not just about him and his first family. He should have put that completely to one side and given you and your Mum decades of happy Christmases regardless. That is the bottom line. Appreciate you’ll get defensive but if you’re going to be angry at the universe or people remember he could have reacted differently.

Haven’t read all the replies here but - while your dad’s first wife sounds OTT and unstable, maybe try to look at it from her side. Does she have a new partner? Did your Dad leave her for your Mum, or get together with her shortly afterwards?

If my DH and I divorced and he had a ‘new family’, close as the relationships between the siblings might be, I’d still feel quite sad if my kids then left me entirely alone on Xmas day? I think that’s understandable if that’s the situation. Surely it’s not that big a deal that your dad sees your sisters the next day?!

Sounds like your dad is just as manipulative but in a passive aggressive “poor me” way.

Loads and loads of people don’t get to spend Christmas day with all their kids. For many reasons. Geography, lack of space, kids are married and going to their in laws, etc. It’s really not some massively unusual hardship not to see all your kids on Christmas day and tbh it’s to be expected if your kids have two different mothers.

As a pp said, he has your mum and you on Christmas day, she does not have a spouse or other kids. You say she has “loads of people” she could spend Christmas with - well why doesn’t the same apply to your dad? Why is he allowed to be heartbroken at not seeing his two other kids, but she should be fine to spend it with friends only?

And all this stuff about only getting the sisters hungover and reluctant on Boxing Day. That’s not their mum’s fault, that’s the sisters if they can’t drum up enthusiasm for a second Christmas (maybe stop doing a full roast on Boxing Day, nobody wants that!!)

Sorry but you and he both sound ridiculous.

If boxing day is always a bust, pick any other day. Xmas eve, the weekend before/after, whatever.
I understand it doesn't feel fair (it isn't) but to just mope about it for 40 years instead of finding an alternative solution that minimises the stress for his daughters is pathetic. You've responded to a few posts as if you think they are condoning the ex wifes behaviour - but it is irrelevant. She sounds absolutely appalling but the reality is you can't change how she behaves. Your dad can change how he behaves and make much better of the situation instead of just being bitter about it though.

So make it one?
Its a difficult situation, but I suspect one when it’s a little bit of ‘what you make it’
It doesn’t have to be horrendous
Make a proper roast, invent some new traditions and make things as good as they can be. If it can’t be changed, the only options left are to think it’s going to be ‘horrendous’ or change mindset and do things to make it feel more positive

At this point, I would just try and let Christmas Day with your sisters go. Sounds like there is a lot of emotional baggage attached to it for everyone and even if you finally get together on 25th is not necessarily going to be the perfect day you all hoped for. Doing a runner up version of Christmas Day on Boxing Day also sounds rubbish and slightly depressing. Can you not change the timings and see everyone a bit later on and make your own traditions. No one wants two consecutive Xmas days how ever much they love Christmas. Maybe look elsewhere in the calendar for an annual family get together x

And ps - I know a family that is WAY more complicated than yours in terms of masses of second marriages, half siblings, widowed people, young kids etc. No-one gets precious about who is with who on what day over the holiday season - it’s organised so that everyone who wants to spend time with each other gets to do that, which is much more important than the actual date on the calendar!

Not many people are saying it's fair OP. It isn't fair for your Dad but it is how it is, for this Christmas and the foreseeable future, unless your sisters do something about it. Don't they ever want to go to their partners family?

What can be changed is your Dad spoiling you and your Mum's Christmas, that's just downright selfish. What gave him the right to ruin 40 of your Christmases? They are both just as selfish in their own way.

If you want to help him at all then you must encourage him to snap out of this destructive behaviour. For the sake of his health. And for your poor Mum, how she has stood this for forty years I don't know. I love Christmas, I would have left long ago.

Literally everyone is acting like children here.

Ex wife is melodramatic and using dire threats to control.

Elder daughters are allowing themselves to be manipulated and won’t stand up to their mother, or refrain from drinking so they’re not hungover.

Dad is sulking instead of facing reality and making a nice day of it.

Youngest daughter is refusing to see that everyone is contributing to this fuxked dynamic of “helpless” misery including her.

I grew up with divorced parents. Every year I had xmas day with my mum and her family, full roast dinner. Boxing day was dad and his family, full roast dinner. Me and brother loved having 2 Christmasses and my dad just got on with it. Because he was a grown up

So is your dad completely unable to have a nice xmas day with you and his wife? He just..sulks?

so you get a shitty christmas day because even after all this time your dad can't accept that Christmas is not happening how he wants it?

That's daft, to be honest.

I feel for him, but your sisters are adults and they either need to call their mum's bluff, or you all need to accept the situation.

It isn't about the date on the calendar, it is about the family celebration. For reasons, over the years, ours has been anywhere between 25th and 30th.

I think the whole lot of them are unreasonable.

Your sisters, for not standing up to their narcissistic mother, though that's easier said than done - obviously.

And your dad for making sure Christmas day will be horrible because, despite this being the norm for 40 YEARS(!!) he can't just take one for the team. A ready-made roast? Really?!

what were your Christmasses like as a kid? also awful?

Your dad is, frankly, a knob.

You have to start thinking differently in that Christmas day is just that, a day. In the grand scheme of things it is not like you are all still children and he doesn't get to see your sisters at all. You get to re-do YOUR family day Boxing day all together so it doesn't matter whether it is the 25th or the 26th of Dec or even if its the 1st of whenever. You are all still together being able to enjoy it!!

It's not your father's ex wife who is ruining christmas, it's your father himself. Honestly he sounds like a completely petulant wet blanket who is ruining it for those who do want to spend it with him. You are directing your anger at the wrong person because you don't want to face the fact that your father is willingly making christmas miserable for you.